Monday, July 23, 2007

KSK Mail: If we use “Ookie” they may sookie

In case you missed it, last week we rolled out KSK’s new “FREE OOKIE” shirts to recognize Ron Mexico’s contributions to Western Culture. We reluctantly agree with the fashionistas who say these shirts have revolutionized the casual apparel market as the world knows it. No big whoop. Then a few days later this showed up in our inbox:

Hello folks,

You are using the name Ookie for promotional items but must be unaware that my company has a registered trademark for that name. Therefore I am sorry but you should no longer use the name. I appreciate a response.
You can see our trademark Ookie at www.babyemporio.com

thank you,
Clasina Valkenberg
Baby Emporio

We checked it out and, sure enough, Baby Emporio sells little rag dolls for babies called “Ookies.” Twenty-six bucks plus shipping and handling for a knotted up diaper that my son wouldn’t wipe his ass with. If he could wipe his ass. Which he can’t.

Our first inclination was tell Clasina Valkenberg to go pound sand. Where the hell does Clasina Valkenberg get off telling us what we can and can’t sell? Plus we had serious doubts over any exclusiveness Clasina Valkenberg claims to have over the word “Ookie” since it appears in other places on the web. But then the shit hit the fan...

We learned from MSNBC’s Darren Rovell that the NFL has forbidden fans from purchasing Mike Vick jerseys with the name “Ookie” on the back. Ye gods, we thought, had Clasina Valkenberg got to Roger Goodell? Had the mysterious baby novelty cartel forced the world’s most powerful sports league to its knees? If the NFL couldn’t stand up to Baby Emporio, what shot did a renegade band of sports bloggers have? Internally, we debated the course of action we should take. At long last, we came to a decision.

Since Clasina Valkenberg requested our response, here it is-- drafted and vetted by a fleet of white-shoe attorneys, every single one a wily Jew:

We don’t give a rat’s ass if Clasina Valkenberg has a trademark on Ookie for her rag dolls. Trademark law was adopted so consumers can identify products from one another. Trademarks aren’t infinite in scope. Miller Brewery couldn’t stop you from selling Miller brand pencils, gum, nails etc. There is no likelihood of confusion between Clasina Valkenberg’s rag dolls and KSK’s shirt, which, incidentally, offer commentary on a wholly unrelated public news event.

[Note to any IP attorneys / smartass law students: I realize leaving out trademark dilution, free speech and other issues which may also figure in to any potential legal claims, but this is an NFL blog, We’ve already spent way to much time discussing legalities. No one wants to read boring shit like that on a Monday morning.]

So, in summary, we are changing nothing and Clasina Valkenberg can take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.


46 comments:

Otto Man said...

Yeah, I don't see how this could possibly turn out bad.

John S. said...

Customarily, you sign letters between attorneys "Very truly yours."

I think that would have been out of place though.

devang said...

Clasina Valkenberg sounds like a nasty female Nazi prison guard.

Those wily Jews better be careful, or "off with zer heads."

Christmas Ape said...

Willie: Boy, you read my thoughts! You've got the Shinning.
Bart: You mean "Shining."
Willie: Shh, you wanna get sued?

Bucktown Skins Fan said...

hmmm... John s., I would have gone with "xoxo" myself.

Rob and Sibyl said...

Go take a flying fuck at the mooooooon.

grungedave said...

I'm a trademark lawyer and... uh... I'm hurt and appalled that no one asked me to write the response letter to Clasina!

okay, no legal rants from me... Clasina would have a hard time winning this one though.

Josh Drimmer said...

your lawyer's going to cry when he sees meth's middle finger flipping off the plaintiff.


(why is my validation code ten letters?)

Wormfather said...

Word Verification:

bbeaf.

I think it's trying to tell you something boys.

(yes, that's all I got)

Weed Against Speed said...

I'm considering marketing t-shirts that read J.K. Rowling Can Eat Harry Potter's Cock.

Is that a violation of trademark law?

JAMMQ said...

KSK, the blog with everything.

See exhibit 1, flubby, infra:

Lawyer by day, sports blogger ripping through the white trash cities of America by mid-day, and baby ass-wiper by night.

Burnsy said...

I'm pretty sure Brigitte Nielsen's name in Chained Heat 1 and 2 was Clasina Valkenberg.

BeaverFever said...

o.k., i had to check out that bay site. more overpriced baby crap, $22 for six pairs of socks ? fuck that. and for the record i can wipe my own ass and i still wouldn't wipe my ass with the ookie doll.

SDM said...

If you go to the US trademark office's webpage (yes, I'm a monstrous nerd), you can search here: http://tess2.uspto.gov/bin/gate.exe?f=search&state=hlsvqp.2.1

and you'll see that all the registered trademarks for "Ookie" appear to be dead, including one owned by good ol' Clasina (number 75342932). Not sure what "dead" actually means, but I bet it means that Clasina doesn't have a legal leg to stand on.

Pemulis said...

at the very least you'll probably have to stop selling the shirts that say "FREE OOKIE DOLLS"

SDM said...

Meant to add, that in spite of not having a legal leg to stand on, she may still have a peg leg. Arrrrrr.

Hats For Bats said...

I can guarantee that at least one of the two or three dozen team names I'll cycle through in FFB this year will be "Clasina Valkenberg".

flubby said...

grungedave and sdm are all over this one-- Clasina Valkenberg doesn't stand a chance

grungedave said...

sdm - "dead" means she probably failed to pay her maintenance fees with the USPTO to keep the registration active. My guess is Clasina had no idea she had to "maintain" the registration. oops.

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price said...

Since Grunge, SDM, and now Flubby have all chimed in, I have nothing to add except....what a cunt.

Grimey said...

I always wondered why Meth was holding a hammer in that picture.

JAMMQ said...

Some well-educated readers for a dick-joke, gay-mafia, football blog.

Peter McSheisty said...

After reading this post, I want you guys to know that I would totally go gay for the Gay Mafia.

liquid_d said...

KSK should grab up that dead patent on "ookie" and harass(both legally and sexually) that bee-yotch.

grungedave said...

(pet peeve alert)

liquid_d - the correct term is "trademark" not "patent". You can't patent a word or phrase. You can't copyright it either.

gerry dorsey said...

free clasina!!!!

Zodiac said...

I think you should have actually used the term "pound sand" in the letter... but then again I don't have a team of high powered Jew lawyers giving me legal advice, so I could be wrong.

Shan said...

Any volunteers to fuck the grumpiness out of this hag?

grungedave said...

Shan,

isn't that what the Sex Cannon is for? He still has a few days before training camp starts!

James said...

Merge this operation and give me an Ookie doll wearing a Free Ookie shirt.

Shan said...

Dave,

I'm pretty sure that is in his contract. Thanks for clearing that up.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Oh,

Oh man,

Lady just give me the free ookie! I saw the dudes in the Mrs. Field's shirts, I know you got some, now gimme. Shit, I don't want your diapers lady, now get me some delicious fried ookie, ookie want some ookie lady!

Slash said...

What kind of name is Clasina? Seriously, if that's her real name, she should sue her parents for deliberate infliction of harm.

I salute your defiance of the stupid trademark laws. I think use of a term for purposes of parody or comment is fair use, but I'm not a lawyer, I could be wrong about that. Regardless, I think this chick should have seen this as a promo opportunity and sent you some free shit instead of a half-assed cease and desist notice. It's not like you're dealing with Disney, I'd never even heard of "Ookie" before you mentioned it here.

BeaverFever said...

i can't wait for the response from clasina.

lieutenant winslow said...

you're my kind of lawyer flubby. i take back all that stuff i said about you

Tim said...

Those dolls look like Abu Ghraib prisoners. Do you think they come in black?

Wormfather said...

You should donate the proceeds to a charity, then she can try and sue the charity for the cash.

May I suggest the Free Ookie Alliance.

the butler said...

this is just too much fun. I expect a Clasina Valkenberg picture post very soon.

The Last Unitard said...

And keep feedin ya... and feedin ya.... and feedin ya...

twoeightnine said...

Seriously, who names a baby product... a baby blanket none the less... ookie? Last I checked Ookie Cookie wasn't tear free.

TheGoldfishCowboy said...

Just FYI... We have recently trademarked "flying fuck at a rolling donut" and your cease and desist order is in the mail.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Let loose the frozen ropes of Rexjelly on Clasina. Right in the EYE!!!!

Chamomiles Davis said...

Gay Mafia? Suzy Kolber on line 1. She sounds upset.

TheAntiFollicle said...

@grungedave

You think the Sex Cannon is going to stop unleashing the dragon on lil ol ladies just because training camp starts? I think we've got time.

Rick Muscles said...

apparently it's not just football dorks reading this blog. it's all baby clothes dorks also.

Gordon Sewer said...

Stay-at-home moms who sell crap on the internet send these e-mails to each other all the time. I could tell you stories about my homeschooling SIL's adventures, but you don't want to read them. These women probably need to get laid more often.

nycyvqw