Monday, July 23, 2007

Jeff Triplette, I Am Gonna Find Yo Ass


So Orlando Brown is picking up the paper the other day and reading about how all the referees in basketball have ties to the mob.

Then Orlando Brown read that those refs are rigging games.

This made Orlando Brown think.

This made Orlando Brown flash back to 1999. This made Orlando Brown think of you, Jeffrey Triplette. This made Orlando Brown think that little flag-throwing “accident” you had wasn’t much of an accident at all.

Jeff Triplette, I am gonna find yo ass.

Jeff Triplette, I hope you are living in a small, European country that has no extradition treaty with the United States. I hope the house you are staying in you has a secret passage located behind a bookcase that only you know about. I hope that passage leads to an underground chamber that is stocked with lots of canned food and other non-perishables.

Because, if you haven’t done any of that, I will find you. And when I find you, I’m gonna fucking destroy you.

Oh, I know you apologized. How very convenient. You were just “careless”. Sure, you were. I’m sure you were real careless surgically removing my cornea with a handkerchief. Could have happened to anyone, eh? Had nothing to do with the fact that you are a decorated war veteran who probably took courses in hand-to-handkerchief combat, eh? Had nothing to do with any possible ties to the Bonanno crime family, eh?

Orlando Brown is skeptical. No, now that this new information has come to light, Orlando Brown thinks it might be nice to seek a little bit of retribution on yo monkey ass.

You took my eye, you piece of shit. Nobody does that to Zeus without getting a lightning bolt crammed down their esophagus. You may be tricky with a handkerchief, my friend, but Orlando Brown is skilled with over 27 different firearms and blunt objects.

Oh, and this time, I’ll be bringing these.


Advantage: Orlando Brown.

Jeff Triplette, Orlando Brown is a very religious man. Not only does he believe in eye for an eye, he actually is more than happy to go above and beyond that. An eye for a leg, perhaps. Or maybe an eye for a testicle. Or even an eye for a large intestine. Or, perhaps I’ll be feeling extremely biblical that day and trade an eye for all of the above. Enjoy reffing games with only half your vital organs, you son of a bitch.

Are you scared yet, Triplette? You should be. You should be kissing your family goodbye, and wearing adult diapers to guard against pooping yourself with fright.

Because I’m gonna find you. And when I do, it ain’t gonna be no light shove like this.


No, it’s going to look more like this.


So look out, Mr. Triplette. Zeus is gonna go Ixion on your ass.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: My 2007 Vikings preview is up over at Deadspin. And 10 out of 10 commenters agree: it's a piece of shit!

22 comments:

BeaverFever said...

patent law and greek mythology in the first 2 posts today. i feel smarter for just visiting this sight.

Unsilent Majority said...

i feel smarter for just visiting this sight.

not smart enough!

Hustler of Culture said...

Nice, just in time for lunch....

BeaverFever said...

agreed UM. that's why i wrote "feel smarter". i am well aware that i am still an idiot. and my first comment should have read "site."

Chris said...

I got mind control over Zues. He be like "shut the f**k up." I be quiet. But when he leave, I be talking again.

JAMMQ said...

I think that picture might be more gross than the one MMP put up for 4th of July . . . maybe.

Maybe Triplette could go hide out with Tim Donaghy, since I'm sure he's nice and safe. Publicly saying you're going to cooperate with Federal Prosecutors by snitching on your mob bookie friends pretty much guarantees you a good hiding spot.

K-Rock said...

I always mix these guys up. Is Triplette the one who refuses to pronounce the "L" in "holding"?

The Last Unitard said...

Penalty flag > Shuriken

Jackin'4Beats said...

Shut the fuck up Smokey!

+1 chris

Peter McSheisty said...

Tell Drew to stay away from WWTDD.com

Wormfather said...

@Peter

Oh you just fucked up his year. What next tell him that porn isnt real?

Big Daddy Drew said...

I've been sent that link about 600 times within the past hour.

Does no one appreciate a little showmanship anymore?

Jackin'4Beats said...

Why does Discovery think they can replace Bear Grylls? Maybe they think Americans should corner the survivor market.

Peter McSheisty said...

@ Drew

Yeah, but those other assholes sent it directly to you, to try and ruin your day. I was very sly and tactful and said for you to stay away.

J.L. White said...

I don't understand how someone can become so enraged at an NFL referee........

(Lokking over at my own avater)

.......Um, I think I'm just going to leave, for a little while.

Hustler of Culture said...

Suviorman is Canadian.

fallex said...

My eyes! These goggles do nothing!

/obvious

Ken Dynamo said...

your deadspin post may have been comopletely devoid of useful football analysis but #5 made me laugh pretty hard.

deafjeff said...

They are all liars. Bear is a omnipotent being and the poser from Oregon and the other crappy hangers on are all just jealous of the Bear. Just Remember, If you fuck with a bear, be prepared to get eaten. Kill, Kill Kill them all Bear!

Otto Man said...

I have to think if Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez had lived, she'd look like that top photo now.

And she'd probably have burned down Andre Rison's house a couple more times too.

Rick Muscles said...

Zeus angry. Zeus smash. AWWWW!!!!!!!!

the butler said...

damn Drew, I went over to Deadspin to check out your Vikes post... reading their comments was akin to dumping vomit on my own head.

If I was a part of the elite Deadspin Commenters Society I would go tell that Unregular douche to get fucked.

"Will should have pushed back on this..."

What a fag.