Monday, July 30, 2007

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekakke: St. Louis Rams


Five Fast Facts About The Rams:
-Fullback Madison Hedgecock moonlights as the newest star in the asstraffic.com stable.
-When Pacman Jones’ suspension was handed down, defensive end Leonard Little had a good, hearty laugh. Then he got drunk, hopped in his car, and took out a retiree crossing the street.
-Seriously, fuck Leonard Little.
-Guard Richie Incognito’s Nebraska education makes him oblivious to any and all jokes made about his last name.
-When dining out, head coach Scott Linehan will always order the strangest thing on the menu, only to immediately regret his adventurousness. Linehan has regurgitated such items as turtle blood soup, braised tripe, elephant sweetbreads, cured pig jowl, and a fritto misto with ox asshole.

Projected 2007 Record:
8-8, T-1st in NFC West

Actual 2007 Record:
7-9, T-1st in NFC West

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Marc Bulger!


During our NFL prekakke celebration, I’ll be sitting down to chat with players from various teams across the league. For the Rams, it’s starting quarterback and West Fucking Virginia’s own Marc Bulger.

Big Daddy Drew: Marc, thanks for taking time to sit down with us.
Marc Bulger: No problem.

Drew: Last year, I made the finals of my fantasy league. I’d never even made the playoffs before, so I was pretty psyched. The team I went up against had both you and Stephen Jackson. You threw 4 TD’s, while Jackson had over 250 combined yards and scored 2 TD’s. This isn’t really a question, but I just wanted to tell you: Watch your back. Okay? Because I’ll be watching yours. Comprende?
Bulger: Okay.

Drew: That goes for your family as well. Protect them. Sometimes I black out, and I can’t be held responsible for what happens when “Mr. Stick” takes over.
Bulger: Okay.

Drew: You spell your name Marc with a “c”, which is the French way of spelling it. Is being sacked something you’re just naturally good at, or is it more of a learned skill?
Bulger: Our line is better this year.

Drew: When they make a live-action “Shrek” film, will Orlando Pace be tapped to star?
Bulger: I don’t know.

Drew: Mike Rumph is on your roster. How much pressure do you feel to score 60 points every game?
Bulger: We have a good defense.

Drew: You took over starting QB duties from Kurt Warner. When Brenda Warner leaves you threatening voicemails, is it scary, or just sort of humorous?
Bulger: Brenda is a very nice person.

Drew: I’m sure that’s true during the day. I’m talking about during a full moon. You know. During the Feasting Hour.
Bulger: I don’t know what you mean.

Drew: The Rams signed Drew Bennett in the offseason. How do you feel about the team’s stance against performing physicals on free agents? Is this some sort of Christian Scientist policy?
Bulger: Drew had a physical and is healthy.

Drew: You went to West Virginia. I have a question about wine pairings. What moonshine goes well with grilled nutria? I was thinking a ’79 Jimbob Reserve.
Bulger: I don’t know.

Drew: You’re originally from Pennsylvania. Do you enjoy breathing out of your mouth as much as everyone else from that state does?
Bulger: I’m proud to be from Pennsylvania.

Drew: I’m sure you are. Brock Berlin is on the Rams roster. Why?
Bulger: I don’t know.

Drew: The Rams signed Randy McMichael during the offseason. What has McMichael taught you about punching pregnant women?
Bulger: Randy’s great.

Drew: Your team goal this year is to win the NFC West. Isn’t winning the NFC West kind of like being handed a free Frisbee at a radio festival?
Bulger: It’s a hard division.

Drew: You recently signed a contract extension with $27 million in guaranteed money. Do you ever resent the fact that you’re rich and single but forced to live in St. Louis?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Seriously? I’ve seen chicks from that town. They all wear stirrup pants and have boobs you could hide a box of paper clips under.
Bulger: I’m happy in St. Louis.

Drew: Offensive tackle Todd Steussie is an alleged steroid user. And offensive tackle Alex Barron went to Florida State. Is this the most rape-savvy offensive line in football?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Safety Corey Chavous is known around the league as a savvy draftnik and personnel evaluator. But if that’s the case, why hasn’t Chavous recommended that the Rams release Corey Chavous yet?
Bulger: Corey is still good.

Drew: Rams owner Georgia Frontiere strikes me as the kind of old broad who starts drinking gin at 10AM in the morning, then tries to bang the pool boy around noon, only to become a sobbing wreck when he rebuffs her advances. Agreed?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Is it true that Frontiere played the evil sister in “Whatever Happened To Baby Jane”?
Bulger: That was Bette Davis.

Drew: Is it true she starred as Blanche in a stage production “A Streetcar Named Desire” and begged the actor playing Stanley to actually rape her?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Do you ever think to yourself at night, “Whew! Thank God we’re in the NFC. At least we have a fighting chance.”?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Doesn’t 1999 seem really, really, really far away to you?
Bulger: No.

Drew: Would you consider kissing me?
Bulger: No.

Drew: What if I flashed you a little leg? See this milky white inner thigh? It could be all yours.
Bulger: No.

Drew: Marc, thanks for your time.
Bulger: My pleasure.

25 comments:

Pete Rose Colored Glasses said...

"You’re originally from Pennsylvania. Do you enjoy breathing out of your mouth as much as everyone else from that state does?"

ZING!

+1

Shan said...

I think that is actually Bulger's van pictured above him.


WV: kskdjn

Raskolnikov said...

Sometimes I black out, and I can’t be held responsible for what happens when “Mr. Stick” takes over.

Cause of Bulger's Death: Blunt trauma to the head by projectile vomit.

Rich said...

Nice one, D - Everyone knows rape/murder-savvy defenses win championships...but do you really want rape-savvy o-linemen covering your "blind side?"

The Magnificent Eeyore said...

"Seriously? I’ve seen chicks from that town. They all wear stirrup pants and have boobs you could hide a box of paper clips under."


Don't confuse St. Louis proper with Festus, Arnold, and the west of the East-Central Missouri outliers.

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price said...

Your team goal this year is to win the NFC West. Isn’t winning the NFC West kind of like being handed a free Frisbee at a radio festival?

....and now I have a new snarky comment to use today.

tomrigid said...

+1 for my spit-take on "grilled nutria." Pair with wilted skunk cabbage and a Willamette Valley pinot noir.

Otto Man said...

Very nice.

But you forgot to ask him what it feels like when his receiver Reverend Ike beats him with a loafer.

Wormfather said...

What if I flashed you a little leg? See this milky white inner thigh? It could be all yours.

For fucks sake man, have a little decency.

I've said it once and I'll say it again. Get your ass down here and clean this vomit up from my keyboard.

ColeTrain said...

mag eeyore is right.

St. Louis proper and West County have all the college chicks and hot young professionals. Stick to those areas, and you will have quality poon.

Speaking of which... damn I miss Morgan Street Brewery.

My Insignificant Life said...

Rams owner Georgia Frontiere strikes me as the kind of old broad who starts drinking gin at 10AM in the morning, then tries to bang the pool boy around noon, only to become a sobbing wreck when he rebuffs her advances.


No wonder Kurt Warner is no longer the QB or pool boy.

Pemulis said...

i was going to say, "as a fordham university alum, i would like to point out that fordham's intercampus transportation was called the ram van" but that isn't a joke or anything and not funny, plus it would also have entailed admitting that i went to fordham, so i'm glad i decided to keep my mouth shut.

J.L. White said...

Wait a tic, Drew....I see you have the Rams tying the Division lead with a 7-9 record this year. That could only mean the Vikings and soon-to-be 11-5 Seahawks are switching divisions soon.Also, can you thank Heir Goddell, for sending the 'Hawks to an even less competitive division? Thanks.

Awful Chief said...

That was just lovely! I feel like I just took a pill of Gleemonex.

Pemulis said...

@awful chief: where's your father?
upstairs masturbating to gay porn.
again?

Otto Man said...

"As soon as I got depressed, I got undepressed. 'Cause as I was cleaning the gleaming guts of that bird off my car, I thought of a name for the drug -- Gleemonex!"

"Gleemonex makes it feel like it's seventy-two degrees in your head... all... the... time!"

Pemulis said...

"Hey, didya see that, uh, Nina Bedford show this morning?"
"Yeah, that uh... thing about toast-fucking."
"...toast-fucking?"
"Yeah - it's the new thing where you fuck or get fucked with toast."
"No, the... the show this morning was about that new drug."
"Oh. Must have been a dream I had. "

Big Daddy Drew said...

Life is short.
Life is shit.
And soon it will be OVER!

LeNoceur said...

coletrain, eeyore...

You guys need to get out to some other cities

Chamomiles Davis said...

I laughed so hard I forgot to breath out of my mouth. Damn you for almost killing me, Drew!

airraid81 said...

Wow, Bulger sure is a crappy interview. It was good reading just for the questions, though. I especially liked these ones:

Drew: You spell your name Marc with a “c”, which is the French way of spelling it. Is being sacked something you’re just naturally good at, or is it more of a learned skill?
Bulger: Our line is better this year.


Drew: Mike Rumph is on your roster. How much pressure do you feel to score 60 points every game?
Bulger: We have a good defense.

He should be a pr man when he retires.

Otto Man said...

Wow, Bulger sure is a crappy interview. It was good reading just for the questions, though.

Um ... Shit. I don't have the heart to tell him.

SlickBomb said...

Drew: Is it true she starred as Blanche in a stage production “A Streetcar Named Desire” and begged the actor playing Stanley to actually rape her?
Bulger: No.


I don't know what this means, but I laughed anyway.

Rick Muscles said...

Sometimes I wonder if Bulger gets career counseling from Rich Gannon

The Mighty Favog said...

Oh my god, this man is my exact double...

THAT DOG HAS A PUFFY TAIL!