Tuesday, May 29, 2007

A Hearty Welcome To Our New York Times Readers


A month or so ago, a New York Times reporter interviewed us for an article in the Sunday Styles section about the rising power of blog commenters. I shit you not. They took Ufford's picture and everything. I'm sure they retouched it to add color and make Ufford appear more human, but I digress. Long story short, they killed the article. But I wrote a welcome post for the day the article would have run, and I figured why waste it. So here it is.

Oh, hello there! And welcome to Kissing Suzy Kolber. Many of you may be visiting our esteemed site for the very first time, as you no doubt saw this article about us in today’s New York Times (NOTE: article never ran). We were just enjoying a fresh pipeful of imported apple tobacco in our den while catching up on a conversation regarding the philosophical ramifications of the ongoing Darfur crisis. Later, we plan on passing around a copy of Club International and jerking ourselves raw. Hope you’ll be there for that.

We at KSK are huge fans of the Old Grey Lady. That Helen Mirren’s got some luscious tits. But we also enjoy the Times as well. On Sunday mornings we catch up on what we really love. Captain Caveman goes straight for Arts & Leisure. I check out the Magazine! Unsilent Majority enjoys the Opinion section, where his gay Jewish overlords brief him on his talking points for the coming day. Monday Morning Punter is a big fan of Maureen Dowd’s work. Like the rest of us, he too dreams of one day nailing her in the back of a Subaru and leaving her for dead on the side of the road. Flubby, our resident lawyer, enjoys browsing the Metro section for potential police assault victim plaintiffs (bonus points if the victim has any internal tearing!). And Christmas Ape likes to cut out the names of any Ivy League reporter at the Times and add them to his very special “Pipe Bomb” list. As you can see, we’re huge fans of this paper!

If you’re an avid Times reader, I think you’ll find that our little site syncs right up with your interests. If you like the big in-depth personal profiles the Times does on occasion, there’s no doubt you’ll enjoy this guided tour through the drug-addled brain of Falcons QB Michael Vick. If you miss Safire’s old “On Language” column, well why not catch up on the origins of the phrase ”pussy basket”? Want to feel guilty about the current state of race relations in our country, as many affluent, suburban white Times readers with nothing better to do enjoy? I think you’ll like this piece. Like tits? Try the Friday Cheerleader posts. Learn about nature with our animal snuff porn video spotlight. Or perhaps you lament the fact that the Times, unlike other papers, has no Funnies section. Well, consider this a long overdue correction!

Of course, you’ll also find some of the most complete an in-depth NFL coverage in the universe here. This is stark contrast to the Times’ sports sections, which eats a fat hairy cock. I think you’ll find it an improvement over William Rhoden’s poorly constructed racial arguments, or Dave Anderson’s column, which meanders from topic to topic with no real cohesion or insight. Or George Vecsey, that old Amish-bearded dipshit who only likes soccer. At least, I hope you do! You’ll also notice that our site will take note of sports scores that go final after 3PM! Huzzah!

And now that we have a more upscale readership thanks to you, the Times reader, we’re going to do our damnedest to model this site closely after the Paper of Record. So look out for movie reviews that don’t clearly recommend a film one way or another, conservative op-ed columns that aren’t actually conservative, Nicholas Kristof-style reports from Pakistan that make you feel like shit for a good five minutes, catty TV reviews, Frank Rich-style pieces that marry the latest hot button political issue to the latest pop culture trend in one very clever double entendre (Like, “How Iraq Became A Grind House”! That’s gold!), a printable science section you’ll roll up and use for kindling, the wedding details of wealthy white asshole couples you’d like to beat to death with a shovel, food recipes for things like homemade crème brulee that the author insists “couldn’t be easier to make” but in reality take five goddamn hours just to get in the oven, Al Sharpton quotes, reviews of ballets and operas no one under the age of 72 attends, letters to the editor from righteous dipshits, and a bitching obit section. All that and more!

Of course, most of that will be safely ensconced behind our new “KSKSelect” subscriber section. This section will only cost you $44 a month. We’ll also throw in a Rex Grossman Sex Cannon thong for free! I hope you folks at the Times enjoyed our tour of Kissing Suzy Kolber. Be sure to tune in later this week, when we’ll be profiling a 11-year old cello prodigy, sharing a latte with Barbra Cook, and talking about what a fucking asshole Chris Berman is. Be there, or be uninformed!

55 comments:

Wormfather said...

NYT is for looser's anyway. I get real pissy in morn when I'm on the train from CT into the city and those assholes are doing the crossword.

Hey douchebag, it's got four letters starts with "C" and you can suck it.

Cock, does cock fit?

Christmas Ape said...

Brand X screws us again. At least there's one major player that gives us some play, however shrill.

Christmas Ape said...

major paper, I should say

BeaverFever said...

NYT = fish wrap. the only ny paper worth reading is the ny post (just my opinion).

and let's not forget the fact that the sports section does not include the daily spreads and lines for our friends that might enjoy wagering on various sporting events. fuck them and their "we are too good for that" attitude.

Monday Morning Punter said...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, nobody said anything to ME about a Suburu.

Burnsy said...

It's like a wasted Oscar speech. With all the reference to cock, I would imagine it belonged to John Travolta.

Grimey said...

Your obit section is already bitchin'.

Greg Schuler said...

As a former NYT employee, well, shit I don't really care. It sucked to work for them and I am glad I quit.

From the other side of town said...

I'd feel a greater sense of loss/missed opportunity if the squashed story was from "High Times"

"H" comes before "N" so its got be better (especially on a report card).

Margo said...

Can you guys make a Viva El Cumslinger g string? I bought my brother a sex cannon t shirt for his birthday, but I want the g string for my anniversary. Am I a classy broad or what?

Margo said...

My anniversary with my boyfriend, not my brother- just to clarify I'm from Chicago not West Virginia.

Matt said...

that's west fucking virginia to you, margo

ColeTrain said...

What, did you guys jack off to "Shadowboxer?"

Helen Mirren is fucking O-L-D! Until you start complaining of knee problems and wear hats more often, she should be off limits.

Otto Man said...

Captain Caveman goes straight for Arts & Leisure. I check out the Magazine!

That's one fine commercial spoof. That dude always creeps me out.

NYT = fish wrap. the only ny paper worth reading is the ny post (just my opinion).

Yeah, I'm not sure that Rupert Murdoch rag qualifies as "reading."

That said, I was very impressed with this amazing journalistic scoop they pulled off.

BeaverFever said...

i think BDD was making a joke about the NYT's nickname "the old grey lady". and i'd be willing to bet that 99% of the men here would bang helen mirren o-l-d, or young, but hey to each their own.

BeaverFever said...

otto, i was waiting for soemone to comment on my ny post opinion. i know a lot a people that hate the post, but they still read Page 6.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I wonder what the reasoning was to scrap the article? Was it the picture they took?

save the steagles said...

KSK's chance to push "pussy basket" into the mainstream was lost. Those snooty bastards.

Otto Man said...

i know a lot a people that hate the post, but they still read Page 6.

The gossip column? If that's the big draw for the newspaper, you're not really convincing me.

The Times -- for all its faults, like Maureen Dowd -- is an actual newspaper with actual reporting and actual facts. You read it, you learn something.

The Post is for people who can't wait until the next US Weekly hits the stands. You read it, you get dumber.

For instance, let's compare and contrast today's lead headlines for the two papers:

NY Times: Bush Tightens Fiscal Penalties Against Sudan

NY Post: SMASHED! Lindsay Collapse Drama

To quote Lionel Hutz, case closed.

BeaverFever said...

Otto, i'm not sure if i can get any dumber. maybe all those years of reading the post has caught up with me. in the posts defense if you are a fan of any ny team you need to read their sports section.

btw, missed you during last fridays mock draft.

Otto Man said...

The Post definitely has the Times when it comes to sports, but I'd actually grab the Daily News for that. And in any case, I'm a Chiefs fan, so I can do without all the hot Tiki and Eli action.

Yeah, sorry to miss the drafts. I was out of the country and foolish enough to believe the boys when they said the site would be down 'til Tuesday.

Goddamn liars.

feep said...

otto, you should know that the only one you can trust is falco. I'd like to point out that falco is now mysteriously "silent".

I totally agree with the assessment of the post though. Of course, since i'm not from NY... why would I care about their sports? Where I live, I get to watch the Washington Post start every football season with high hopes for the Redskins and then watch it spiral into despair. Good times for all.

Otto Man said...

Ah, Falco. We hardly knew ye.

I have a couple friends in D.C., and the annual Redskins meltdown is their favorite local condition. The sports radio rage is particularly strong.

Otto Man said...

Um, favorite local tradition.

Wormfather said...

@Otto

The Daily News? I used to enjoy the NYDN, oped's were balanced, the news was, well the news. The sports were even decent...but then Lupica went from covering the news to writing op eds about sports. Then he got a hard on for the steroids stories and tried to convince me that I didnt like sports anymore. I'd rather fucking eat goat dick than read his shit (with all due appologies to the goat community)

Now, I read the wall street journal, suprisingly good stuff and they dont fuck up the sports section (they dont fucking have one, I come here for that even though i havnt gotten a sports score here since, well, ever).

BeaverFever said...

wormftaher, any thoughts on phil mushnick in the ny post ? i think he hits it on the head every time.

The Pirate Sloth said...

We're discussing papers without any dick jokes...

Come on now people. Seriously. Well, except for Worm, you can always count on the Worm for a quick dick or two.

Rob I said...

If we are mock-drafting columnists, I call dibs on Safire. I want to torture him slowly with a hot poker and my grandmother's sewing machine.

Rob I said...

Hey fuck you wormfather! Just because you're not smart enough to do the crossword doesn't mean you have to shit on the rest of us!

BeaverFever said...

sloth, sorry i lost focus after the long weekend. where is a good dick joke when you need one ? i guess i could look in my pants for starters.

Otto Man said...

If we are mock-drafting columnists, I call dibs on Safire. I want to torture him slowly with a hot poker and my grandmother's sewing machine.

That's a good idea. But he'd probably keep interrupting you to correct your grammar.

And that reminds me of one of my all-time favorite Onion headlines:

"Bill Safire Orders Two Whoppers Junior."

Otto Man said...

By the way, that Safire sarcasm will be my dick joke for the day.

BeaverFever said...

is bill safire still alive ?

BeaverFever said...

josch, feel free to add your non-cunty comments. still failing to see the relation between deabting NY papers and being cunt, help us out josch.

Otto Man said...

Sorry to talk about the NY Times in a post about the NY Times. How stupid of me.

Anyway, I think both sides of the NYC paper debate will agree on Josch's cuntitude. It's probably what the extra "C" in his name stands for.

BeaverFever said...

+1 otto.

Jackin'4Beats said...

The KSK NFL Coverage brought back good memories of us all ganging up on Clint and making him retreat to his log cabin in the middle of the Ohio wilderness.

That reminds me, I wonder if he was in on the Brady Quinn nut-grabbing in that picture a couple of weeks back? That would be classic!!!

And the NY Post eats a fat dick. NY Waterway gives it out for free in the morning. So stop by if you're moving and need some newspaper to wrap up the valuables.

Monday Morning Punter said...

Josch just got Punted. Not that the situation wasn't in hand, but sophomoric name-calling just pisses me off.

BeaverFever said...

thanks MMP. sophmoric-name calling is one thing, just being a dick is another.

Wormfather said...

@Rob i

Just those who do the New York Times crossword, I loved the Daily News one (until I had to divorce it as part of my seperation from Lupica), yeah, I'm too dumb to do the NY Times cross word, but I'm smart enough to know that those people piss me off.

No that didnt make sense but you know what, people who do times crosswords have small dickcicles.

Done and done.

Wormfather said...

...Oh and in this mock draft I'm taking Simmons, I'm gonna make him watch J-Bug and that other dude have hot man sex, clockwork orange style.

Then I'm gonna give the sports gal something to write about.

BTW how the fuck does she get the title sports gal? She doesnt know shit about sports (much like her husband) yet she's the sports gal. Well then my fiance shoudl be the Big Dick Chick just by association. Man I want steal his daughter raise her as my own let her be a yankee fan then return her to them in 15 years.

Otto Man said...

Wormfather, I do the Sunday crossword, every week, in pen.

I used to use my dickcicle, but it just tore the paper to shreds.

larry burns said...

for only 10 dollars more you can get the comment drafts complete with larry burns fucking up so badly that he considers chaning his name.

wait what is the new york times you speak of? as a teenager i thought that the only news came from the daily show and my friend's homeless friend who sells him pot.

K said...

Sensationalize this story so much it makes The New York Times look like The New York Post. Or The Post look like The Times. I forget which is the good one.

Pemulis said...

no love for Newsday?

J.L. White said...

Is josch really George W. Bush? Both have the same opinion of those you read newspapers....

Slash said...

No love for the NY Press? I know it's a weekly (I think), so probably doesn't count, but it's certainly more entertaining to read than the NYT.

Second or third or fourth on Safire. He's a douche. I think he's (unfortunately) still alive. He's one of the worst writers ever in the history of people who write.

JAMMQ said...

Please tell me "Mike & Mike" are close to the top of the pipe bomb list. They fucking suck.

Raskolnikov said...

Maureen, you have 13 fewer babies than the average Catholic mother in the 1950's. Lemme decrease that z-score. MMP gets the next turn in 9 months.

Robocats said...

I was laughing so hard at that Maureen Dowd line that I was basically screaming with pleasure. Much like Ms. Dowd would be when I was done with her.

Kline said...

Glad everyones back, i was missing my daily source of football and sarcasm. Oh yea, fuck the NY Times. What I enjoy most is how even if you don't read it you still have to hear about their bullshit when its quoted in the news.

JoSCh said...

Am I a legend yet? Not quite...

And sorry to get your collective panties in a bunch, by all means, get back to your elitist hypocrisy. And remember, the internet is for fun! I heart you all!

@ Beaverfever... obviously I know nothing of non-cunty comments, but thanks for the stroke.

Otto Man said...

And sorry to get your collective panties in a bunch, by all means, get back to your elitist hypocrisy.

Hypocrisy? What the hell are you talking about? Go look that big word up and get back to us.

JoSCh said...

Ah Ottoman, you fell victim to one of the classic blunders. Never get involved in a land war in Asia, and never engage in sophomoric name calling with a sophomoric, uh, name caller!

Inconcievable!

Bloof said...

Nice PB reference...

And props to actually get reprimanded/deleted/moderated/bitch-slapped on KSK. I didn't think that was possible.

Gotta go, this must mean Jesus is on his way.

[yelling into distance] HEY, JC!!