A Hearty Welcome To Our New York Times Readers

A month or so ago, a New York Times reporter interviewed us for an article in the Sunday Styles section about the rising power of blog commenters. I shit you not. They took Ufford's picture and everything. I'm sure they retouched it to add color and make Ufford appear more human, but I digress. Long story short, they killed the article. But I wrote a welcome post for the day the article would have run, and I figured why waste it. So here it is.

Oh, hello there! And welcome to Kissing Suzy Kolber. Many of you may be visiting our esteemed site for the very first time, as you no doubt saw this article about us in today’s New York Times (NOTE: article never ran). We were just enjoying a fresh pipeful of imported apple tobacco in our den while catching up on a conversation regarding the philosophical ramifications of the ongoing Darfur crisis. Later, we plan on passing around a copy of Club International and jerking ourselves raw. Hope you’ll be there for that.

We at KSK are huge fans of the Old Grey Lady. That Helen Mirren’s got some luscious tits. But we also enjoy the Times as well. On Sunday mornings we catch up on what we really love. Captain Caveman goes straight for Arts & Leisure. I check out the Magazine! Unsilent Majority enjoys the Opinion section, where his gay Jewish overlords brief him on his talking points for the coming day. Monday Morning Punter is a big fan of Maureen Dowd’s work. Like the rest of us, he too dreams of one day nailing her in the back of a Subaru and leaving her for dead on the side of the road. Flubby, our resident lawyer, enjoys browsing the Metro section for potential police assault victim plaintiffs (bonus points if the victim has any internal tearing!). And Christmas Ape likes to cut out the names of any Ivy League reporter at the Times and add them to his very special “Pipe Bomb” list. As you can see, we’re huge fans of this paper!

If you’re an avid Times reader, I think you’ll find that our little site syncs right up with your interests. If you like the big in-depth personal profiles the Times does on occasion, there’s no doubt you’ll enjoy this guided tour through the drug-addled brain of Falcons QB Michael Vick. If you miss Safire’s old “On Language” column, well why not catch up on the origins of the phrase ”pussy basket”? Want to feel guilty about the current state of race relations in our country, as many affluent, suburban white Times readers with nothing better to do enjoy? I think you’ll like this piece. Like tits? Try the Friday Cheerleader posts. Learn about nature with our animal snuff porn video spotlight. Or perhaps you lament the fact that the Times, unlike other papers, has no Funnies section. Well, consider this a long overdue correction!

Of course, you’ll also find some of the most complete an in-depth NFL coverage in the universe here. This is stark contrast to the Times’ sports sections, which eats a fat hairy cock. I think you’ll find it an improvement over William Rhoden’s poorly constructed racial arguments, or Dave Anderson’s column, which meanders from topic to topic with no real cohesion or insight. Or George Vecsey, that old Amish-bearded dipshit who only likes soccer. At least, I hope you do! You’ll also notice that our site will take note of sports scores that go final after 3PM! Huzzah!

And now that we have a more upscale readership thanks to you, the Times reader, we’re going to do our damnedest to model this site closely after the Paper of Record. So look out for movie reviews that don’t clearly recommend a film one way or another, conservative op-ed columns that aren’t actually conservative, Nicholas Kristof-style reports from Pakistan that make you feel like shit for a good five minutes, catty TV reviews, Frank Rich-style pieces that marry the latest hot button political issue to the latest pop culture trend in one very clever double entendre (Like, “How Iraq Became A Grind House”! That’s gold!), a printable science section you’ll roll up and use for kindling, the wedding details of wealthy white asshole couples you’d like to beat to death with a shovel, food recipes for things like homemade crème brulee that the author insists “couldn’t be easier to make” but in reality take five goddamn hours just to get in the oven, Al Sharpton quotes, reviews of ballets and operas no one under the age of 72 attends, letters to the editor from righteous dipshits, and a bitching obit section. All that and more!

Of course, most of that will be safely ensconced behind our new “KSKSelect” subscriber section. This section will only cost you $44 a month. We’ll also throw in a Rex Grossman Sex Cannon thong for free! I hope you folks at the Times enjoyed our tour of Kissing Suzy Kolber. Be sure to tune in later this week, when we’ll be profiling a 11-year old cello prodigy, sharing a latte with Barbra Cook, and talking about what a fucking asshole Chris Berman is. Be there, or be uninformed!