Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Introducing the Super Bowl XLII Champion New England Patriots

Feb. 2008. The New England Patriots gather at midfield of the Pink Taco to celebrate the franchise's fourth Super Bowl title following a convincing victory over [random NFC team, doesn't really matter which].

Terry Bradshaw: Straightaway, here: congratulations, Tom. You've just joined Joe Montana and myself as the only quarterbacks to win four Super Bowl titles. It's really the consummate New England Patriots story, isn't it, Tom?

Tom Brady: Absolutely, Terry. All season long everybody counted us in. I mean, every single person, pundit, blogger, commentariat, columnist, analyst, ornithologist, fan, wives of fans, the actor Chris Cooper, the hip-hop group Little Brother - they all expected this, well before training camp even started. We came into the season favorites; presumptive, prohibitive favorites. We were the subject of unremitting and fawning media coverage. Just really mawkish and grandiose stuff. There'd've been pressure, but it was all just so damn easy.

Bradshaw: And what a gritty, character-driven Patriots-type effort, right Tom?

Brady: Oh, you bet, Terry. Who knew that a team of preening superstars with terrible personalities could congeal for a title run? This team went out and paid big money for one of the top linebackers in the game, along with two heralded number one receivers, one of which is a known clubhouse cancer. Our running back is a touted first-round phenom. We have the dirtiest player in the game, Rodney Harrison. Our coach cheats on his wife. Our most recent first round pick likes to engage in fucking gun fights on campus and stomp on Ned. And I've impregnated at least a half dozen women out of wedlock. I'm really going for Ray Charles territory with all my illegitimate children. I just want to give a perfunctory speech up here so I can get back to knocking bitches up. Bridget, Gisele, Natalie, Xiochita: stop calling me for money to raise those kids. My receivers don't expect me to run downfield and block for them after I complete a pass, do they?

So, yeah, isn't that what hard-nosed football is all about?

Bradshaw: And the fans? How does this feel for all the Patriots fans out there?

Brady: I tell you, more relief than anything. God bless them, they're such an expectant bunch of spoiled little pizza-tossing shits. They went through decades of utter irrelevance and now we gotta deliver this every year or we're met with indignant disbelief and bitter recriminations.

Bradshaw: Thanks, Tom. C'mon, celebrate Patriots, you're champs of the NFL once again! I hope the next season is as devoid of drama as this one!

28 comments:

Chris said...

I have all ready cut the sleeves off my favorite hoodie in preparation for the up coming season.

Steve said...

That is some grade A masshole hating. Excellent work ape.

Rickey Henderson said...

fahk dood--the patriots are rolling.

SlickBomb said...

I'm not sure Bradshaw uses bing words like "devoid" but either way, well done. I love me some Mass hatin'.

Awful Chief said...

Tom Brady: Putting more babies in these hos for a brighter tomorrow.

My Insignificant Life said...

"I just want to give a perfunctory speech up here so I can get back to knocking bitches up. Bridget, Gisele, Natalie, Xiochita: stop calling me for money to raise those kids. My receivers don't expect me to run downfield and block for them after I complete a pass, do they?"

Tom truly does understand his role....he delivers and others take over from there....This is what a team player is all about!

Crazy Little Thing said...

Ape: well played. This (and some coffee) made my morning.

Burnsy said...

The Patriots are who we thought they were.

Brady should get a face tattoo.

lieutenant winslow said...

jealous much?

Jackin'4Beats said...

Love the jinx, jinx, jinx tag. Anything to derail the P-Train before minicamp starts.

devang said...

stop calling me for money to raise those kids.

Tom Brady, the Shawn Kemp of the NFL. The difference is the Championships and the future 1st round in the 2028 NFL draft.

Chuckles said...

Bill Simmons is not amused.

milesdavis said...

nice Little Brother plug

"...can't think of nothing that rhymes with fifteen"

Big Daddy Drew said...

Little Brother?

Tom Brady, you is cheatin'.

Misha said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Smello said...

Ack! No, no, no. It's already painful enough to venture into NH during football season. Another Patriots Super Bowl victory will make the homeland officially unvisitable.

mmmm beefy said...

alright who put an article about dreamboat and didn't include pictures of his baby mommas. that is just a disservice to all the readers

Peter McSheisty said...

"stop calling me for money to raise those kids. My receivers don't expect me to run downfield and block for them after I complete a pass, do they?"

Fucking.Gold.

BeaverFever said...

i was going to college in rhode island in the early '90's when the Pats were terrible.

what kills me is the same fans of the BoSox that root for the Pats have no trouble motherfucking the Yankees and their fans when in fact the Pats and their fans are no better. hypocrasy i tell you.

great, if the Pats win again I'll get to see the "home of the super bowl champs" sign everytime i drive into massachusetts.

FFJewbacca said...

Awesome stuff. You've managed to bottle the hatred I feel for Massholes.

TheStarterWife said...

Yea! A Christmas Ape Jinx!

Now keep your Steeler opinions to yourself and we're all set!

peytonloveskenny said...

Well said, Ape.

Captain Caveman said...

alright who put an article about dreamboat and didn't include pictures of his baby mommas. that is just a disservice to all the readers

Wrong site, my friend. That's only the standard operating procedure at With Leather.

Signal to Noise said...

Hopefully the jinx works, Ape. More smug is not necessary this year.

Chamomiles Davis said...

I'd happily change my name to "Expectant Spoiled Little Pizza-tossing Shit" if the Eagles would win just one of those fucking things.

Barney said...

Thank you Christmas Ape. I am going to be using those talking points as an antidote to the endless gloating I'll have to endure (as a native of Wisconsin) from one of my friends for the next 9 months. This gloating started 4 days after the Pro-bowl as I recall. He's down to less then a week between whining that the Patriots don't simply play themselves in that game and gloating about how they have the ghost of John Kenneth Galbraith doing genius shit with their caps.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are doing God's work Christmas Ape.

verification code = ttiaxsad

I'm guessing this is the name of one of the Supermodels catching babypaste in the off season?

the butler said...

can you jinx the Madden Curse (at least for this year)?

TalkingNFL said...

As a Patriots fan, I caution everyone to remember that no awards are given out for free agency and the draft. We have a long way to go before Scottsdale, and many quality young teams (Jets, 49ers) have a good chance to pass by the Pats, not to mention the fact that they still have to get by the defending champion Colts.

So good luck to everyone & may the best team win this season.

[/fictitious Pats fan]

Go suck it, you fairies. Suck my big fat Patriot Missile & swallow every sour drop of Dreamboat goodness.