Introducing the Super Bowl XLII Champion New England Patriots

Feb. 2008. The New England Patriots gather at midfield of the Pink Taco to celebrate the franchise's fourth Super Bowl title following a convincing victory over [random NFC team, doesn't really matter which].

Terry Bradshaw: Straightaway, here: congratulations, Tom. You've just joined Joe Montana and myself as the only quarterbacks to win four Super Bowl titles. It's really the consummate New England Patriots story, isn't it, Tom?

Tom Brady: Absolutely, Terry. All season long everybody counted us in. I mean, every single person, pundit, blogger, commentariat, columnist, analyst, ornithologist, fan, wives of fans, the actor Chris Cooper, the hip-hop group Little Brother - they all expected this, well before training camp even started. We came into the season favorites; presumptive, prohibitive favorites. We were the subject of unremitting and fawning media coverage. Just really mawkish and grandiose stuff. There'd've been pressure, but it was all just so damn easy.

Bradshaw: And what a gritty, character-driven Patriots-type effort, right Tom?

Brady: Oh, you bet, Terry. Who knew that a team of preening superstars with terrible personalities could congeal for a title run? This team went out and paid big money for one of the top linebackers in the game, along with two heralded number one receivers, one of which is a known clubhouse cancer. Our running back is a touted first-round phenom. We have the dirtiest player in the game, Rodney Harrison. Our coach cheats on his wife. Our most recent first round pick likes to engage in fucking gun fights on campus and stomp on Ned. And I've impregnated at least a half dozen women out of wedlock. I'm really going for Ray Charles territory with all my illegitimate children. I just want to give a perfunctory speech up here so I can get back to knocking bitches up. Bridget, Gisele, Natalie, Xiochita: stop calling me for money to raise those kids. My receivers don't expect me to run downfield and block for them after I complete a pass, do they?

So, yeah, isn't that what hard-nosed football is all about?

Bradshaw: And the fans? How does this feel for all the Patriots fans out there?

Brady: I tell you, more relief than anything. God bless them, they're such an expectant bunch of spoiled little pizza-tossing shits. They went through decades of utter irrelevance and now we gotta deliver this every year or we're met with indignant disbelief and bitter recriminations.

Bradshaw: Thanks, Tom. C'mon, celebrate Patriots, you're champs of the NFL once again! I hope the next season is as devoid of drama as this one!