Wednesday, May 2, 2007

The Offseason Adventures of Michael Vick! Episode 4: Meeting With The Commish


Vick: Oh man, this is a long ass wait. Ma’am, how long have I been up in this bitch?

Receptionist: Three minutes, Mr. Vick.

Vick: Fuck me, man. You got any other magazines here besides “House Beautiful”?

Receptionist: No, Mr. Vick.

Vick: The fuck, man? I read “King”. Can I get another glass of water?

Receptionist: You’ve had six already.

Vick: I’m so thirsty. God, I’d love to just go swimming. You ever stick your donger in front of the water jet?

Receptionist: No.

Vick: It’s fucking great.

Receptionist: The Commissioner will see you now.

Vick: Nice. (walks into commissioner’s office) Whoa, this is fucking nice. I could sleep here.

Goodell: Hello, Michael.

Vick: This your office?

Goodell: Uh, yes.

Vick: I gotta ask Mr. Home Depot for an office like this. Is that a Geochron? Fucking sweet. I like Russia, because it’s really big.

Goodell: Michael, would you mind taking a seat?

Vick: Not at all, Mr. commissioner man.

Goodell: Michael, we’ve had some concerns about your recent conduct.

Vick: Are these Werther’s Originals?

Goodell: Uh… yes.

Vick: You mind if I have one?

Goodell: Sure, go right ahead.

Vick: These are great. You mind if I just throw the rest of them in my hat for later?

Goodell: Michael, our league office is extremely concerned about what’s been going on in your life. It’s hurting the league’s image.

Vick: Ah man, that’s some bullshit. Like what?

Goodell: Well, the cockfighting.

Vick: I already explained that shit. I don’t even live at that house. I’m never there. Unless there’s a cockfight going on. But it’s not like I ORGANIZE that shit. It’s very spontaneous and free-flowing.

Goodell: And the dog fighting?

Vick: Bob Barker told me to help control the pet population, sir. I take that shit seriously. Jack Russell terriers are fucking feisty!

Goodell: We’ve also heard reports of frequent marijuana use.

Vick: That’s just a flat lie. I would never smoke pot on weekdays. Do you wanna watch a DVD or something? This whole meeting is fucking up my chi.

Goodell: Okay, I’m not gonna dance around it anymore, Mr. Vick. You need to straighten out your act, or else you may find yourself suspended from play.

Vick: WHAT?! That’s horseshit! Can’t nobody do what I do!

Goodell: I know you can run very fast.

Vick: Goddamn right! AND I’ve done good shit, man! I went to Va. Tech when Data from “The Goonies” started going apeshit!

Goodell: We appreciate that, believe me.

Vick: And I went to DC to talk about kids and shit!

Goodell: I thought you missed the flight.

Vick: You ever fly fucking Delta? FUCK DELTA. The one time they aren’t late is the one time I am. I ain’t had nothing to do with that shit!

Goodell: Look, just be careful, okay? You’re an incredibly talented young man, and I’d hate to see you throw it all away.

Vick: You got it, Mr. Tagliabue.

Goodell: Goodell.

Vick: Oh yeah yeah. Forgot about that. It was so sad how that Tagliabue died of lupus and shit.

Goodell: He didn’t die.

Vick: Are you sure?

Goodell: Yes.

Vick: Fuck. Now I owe Marcus five bucks.

Photo courtesy of The Onion

32 comments:

Greg Schuler said...

Airtran, Delta, same shit, different day.

Otto Man said...

I gotta ask Mr. Home Depot for an office like this.

Priceless.

The whole piece is solid, but even better if you hear the Vick part as a paranoid Tracy Jordan from "30 Rock."

Brave Sir Robin said...

Was anyone else shocked by the restraint Roger Goodell showed. He didn't swear a Vick once. Must be because he's not one of those draft hopefuls.

Burnsy said...

I thought Rog was a bigger badass than this. This meeting implies he has the ability to show compassion and restraint. In actuality I like to think of him as White Pac Man.

devang said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
devang said...

You ever stick your donger in front of the water jet?

Goddamn that's funny!!

You know the more BDD writes about Vick, the more I start to think that these conversations actually happen. Can NFL films please put a mic on Micheal Vick during the game and "forget" to take it off after the game's over?

Wow would that be sweet!!

Redhead said...

Vick: ... Can’t nobody do what I do!
Goodell: I know you can run very fast.

Yup, that pretty much sums it up.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Angry Goodell is strictly flubby's baby.

Pervert Goodell is strictly Punter's baby.

I'm left, of course, with rational Goodell.

Otto Man said...

I'm left, of course, with rational Goodell.

So Goodell comes in varieties, like the Seven Dwarves, Spice Girls and Care Bears? Good to know.

becky said...

what about kooky free-wheeling "I'll switch up the order in which I say the player's name and position because I fly by the seat of my pants!" Goodell?

BeaverFever said...

who hasn't stuck their dong in front of a water jet ? good stuff.

also, that picture never gets old.

SlickBomb said...

AND I’ve done good shit, man! I went to Va. Tech when Data from “The Goonies” started going apeshit!

Ha! Great as usual, Drew.

Unsilent Majority said...

I'm left, of course, with rational Goodell.

I'm all about Goodell as the Devil.

Jesse said...

I don't know if Rational Goodell is the pick after Angry Goodell and Pervert Goodell come off the board.

Vick is hilarious, but I think I'd rather see Pothead Goodell, Racist Goodell or Sex Cannon Wearing A Mission Impossible Mask Goodell.

"I’m don’t even live at that house. I’m never there. Unless there’s a cockfight going on. But it’s not like I ORGANIZE that shit. It’s very spontaneous." -- that made me laugh my ass off.

the butler said...

Goodell = Illuminati puppet

David said...

Vick: Are these Werther’s Originals?

Goodell: Uh… yes.

Vick: You mind if I have one?

Goodell: Sure, go right ahead.

Vick: These are great. You mind if I just throw the rest of them in my hat for later?


I seriously had to stifle the laughter.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Not at all, Mr. commissioner man

I have officially started reading Vick's lines with Tracy Jordan's voice going through my head.

"Thanks for da brew pillsh Dr. Space Maaaaan"

HAAAAAAA!

Burnsy said...

Otto, please don't get me started on another Baby Spice kick.

The Young Nucleus said...

My prayers have been answered. Thanks, BDD.

Now all we need is Goodell at the concussion conference. Flubby?

Jackin'4Beats said...

Talk about Baby spice
Talk about Baby spice
Talk about Baby spice
Talk about Baby spice

That should do it.

Slash said...

Every time I see that picture, I think of the giant bag of weed from "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle."

And yeah, I was hearing Tracy Jordan's voice, too, while reading that. My favorite parts:

Vick: Nice. (walks into commissioner’s office) Whoa, this is fucking nice. I could sleep here.
AND
Vick: That’s just a flat lie. I would never smoke pot on weekdays. Do you wanna watch a DVD or something? This whole meeting is fucking up my chi.

The Pirate Sloth said...

How come Vick didn't 'take' a seat?

And I'm totally with Vick on the Werther's - I'd have taken a couple of handfuls of those things too.

Tracer Bullet said...

I went to Va. Tech when Data from “The Goonies” started going apeshit!

That's some ill shit right there. I hate myself a little for laughing. And I thought that dude looked more like Short Round.

Otto Man said...

And I thought that dude looked more like Short Round.

Well, that's the same kid, so you're both right.

save the steagles said...

Everyone knows well thought-out cockfights are the worst.

Absolutely inspiring, Drew. This is my favorite running series you guys have ever done.

Signal to Noise said...

Bob Barker told me to help control the pet population, sir. I take that shit seriously. Jack Russell terriers are fucking feisty!

Hey, rape stands are part of "controlling" the pet population in their own way.

Nice job Drew.

The BMF your mom wants said...

Damn that shit is funny...im gonna get fired laughing so loud everyday.... can i come work for you fuckers or what?

Drizztdj said...

Vick: Goddamn right! AND I’ve done good shit, man! I went to Va. Tech when Data from “The Goonies” started going apeshit!

People do not derive laughter from this line need therapy.

Bravo sir.

mmmm beefy said...

where is the mention of Ron Mexico

"hey man i didn't give no girl herpes...it was some guy named Ron Mexico."

Matt T said...

Good thing Marcus won that bet, he needs the money after getting cut and all

smeos said...

If he doesn't clean up his act, we'll all be able to read The Offseason Adventures of Michael Vick in Federal Pound Me in the Ass Prison.

God Hates Raiders Fans said...

YES! god I love that movie...and both Vicks need a good ass pounding in prison.