Vick: Oh man, this is a long ass wait. Ma’am, how long have I been up in this bitch?
Receptionist: Three minutes, Mr. Vick.
Vick: Fuck me, man. You got any other magazines here besides “House Beautiful”?
Receptionist: No, Mr. Vick.
Vick: The fuck, man? I read “King”. Can I get another glass of water?
Receptionist: You’ve had six already.
Vick: I’m so thirsty. God, I’d love to just go swimming. You ever stick your donger in front of the water jet?
Vick: It’s fucking great.
Receptionist: The Commissioner will see you now.
Vick: Nice. (walks into commissioner’s office) Whoa, this is fucking nice. I could sleep here.
Goodell: Hello, Michael.
Vick: This your office?
Goodell: Uh, yes.
Vick: I gotta ask Mr. Home Depot for an office like this. Is that a Geochron? Fucking sweet. I like Russia, because it’s really big.
Goodell: Michael, would you mind taking a seat?
Vick: Not at all, Mr. commissioner man.
Goodell: Michael, we’ve had some concerns about your recent conduct.
Vick: Are these Werther’s Originals?
Goodell: Uh… yes.
Vick: You mind if I have one?
Goodell: Sure, go right ahead.
Vick: These are great. You mind if I just throw the rest of them in my hat for later?
Goodell: Michael, our league office is extremely concerned about what’s been going on in your life. It’s hurting the league’s image.
Vick: Ah man, that’s some bullshit. Like what?
Goodell: Well, the cockfighting.
Vick: I already explained that shit. I don’t even live at that house. I’m never there. Unless there’s a cockfight going on. But it’s not like I ORGANIZE that shit. It’s very spontaneous and free-flowing.
Goodell: And the dog fighting?
Vick: Bob Barker told me to help control the pet population, sir. I take that shit seriously. Jack Russell terriers are fucking feisty!
Goodell: We’ve also heard reports of frequent marijuana use.
Vick: That’s just a flat lie. I would never smoke pot on weekdays. Do you wanna watch a DVD or something? This whole meeting is fucking up my chi.
Goodell: Okay, I’m not gonna dance around it anymore, Mr. Vick. You need to straighten out your act, or else you may find yourself suspended from play.
Vick: WHAT?! That’s horseshit! Can’t nobody do what I do!
Goodell: I know you can run very fast.
Vick: Goddamn right! AND I’ve done good shit, man! I went to Va. Tech when Data from “The Goonies” started going apeshit!
Goodell: We appreciate that, believe me.
Vick: And I went to DC to talk about kids and shit!
Goodell: I thought you missed the flight.
Vick: You ever fly fucking Delta? FUCK DELTA. The one time they aren’t late is the one time I am. I ain’t had nothing to do with that shit!
Goodell: Look, just be careful, okay? You’re an incredibly talented young man, and I’d hate to see you throw it all away.
Vick: You got it, Mr. Tagliabue.
Vick: Oh yeah yeah. Forgot about that. It was so sad how that Tagliabue died of lupus and shit.
Goodell: He didn’t die.
Vick: Are you sure?
Vick: Fuck. Now I owe Marcus five bucks.
Photo courtesy of The Onion