Tuesday, May 1, 2007

This Week’s Animal Kill: Alycia Lane Perfects The Suppression Of Her Gag Reflex

NFL Network host (and last decent SportsCenter anchor) Rich Eisen got into trouble recently when it was discovered that a reporter named Alycia Lane (With its endless variations, “Alicia” is officially the Antoine of white female names) sent him scantily clad photos of herself to an email account that Rich and his wife, Suzy Shuster, share together. Eisen apparently did not solicit these photos. It was just a matter of an attractive, feisty young woman trying to suck her way to the top.

Well, Alycia Lane, I think this week’s kill kill kill post can help show you the way. It’s a two-parter, featuring a bigass snake squeezing the life out of an alligator and then swallowing it whole, complete with creepy German voice-over!



This clip almost plays like a pornographic outtake from “Enemy Mine”. The camera is too tight in for my tastes. Things here can easily be confused for other things, and I don’t like drawing parallels when I’m watching some good death. Here, the snake finishes up.



Hoo boy! Take that, Kielbasa Queen! If you want to advance in today’s male-dominated sports media industry, you’re gonna have to learn how to not choke like Mr. Anaconda. Within a year, you’ll soon find yourself doing solemn interviews with Brady Quinn in the green room. Exciting stuff.

36 comments:

BeaverFever said...

holy shit! that snake is fast. i like how they show the birds. those birds must thinking, "thank god we can fly and hide out up here in these trees."

peytonloveskenny said...

I like the "i eat bugles the exact same way" tag.

devang said...

I thought a praying mantis video would have been more appropriate, but I'll take my animal snuff films any way I can get 'em.

Suzy Shuster, not bad at all.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I wonder if you can train Anacondas to kill? That could come in handy...

SlickBomb said...

Scary, scary, motherfuckers. I really can't think of a more unpleasant way to die.

Tracer Bullet said...

Alicia Lane is a smokin' hot (white-bred) Latina newscaster in Philadelphia. I actually have to interview her Friday. I'll ask her about Rich if someone here is willing to give me a job after I get blacklisted.

Signal to Noise said...

I don't think I'm very hungry any more after watching that...gulp.

chewbacca lowenstien said...

Really? I'm headed out to lunch this very minute. I'm gonna bring a baseball bat so I can properly unhinge my jaw and recreate that scene.

LadyAndrea said...

I can't even bring myself to watch these videos, Drew. Good job on finding something so scary that the mere description makes me frightened.

becky said...

I'm actually strangely turned on right now.

I'm also drunk at 3 in the afternoon though, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Wormfather said...

Yeah, eating the gator is nice but...my anaconda dont want none unless you got buns hun...

So shameless, yet, so appropriate.

Chris said...


I'm also drunk at 3 in the afternoon though, so take what I say with a grain of salt.


i miss college

devang said...

my anaconda dont want none unless you got buns hun...

I'll take bad 90s rap for 400 ALex

Unsilent Majority said...

becky's q score just keeps rising

LadyAndrea said...

I'm not turned on by the videos, but I am turned on by Becky's drinking at 3 pm. And also jealous.

My Insignificant Life said...

I bet that if Alycia Lane included a video of herself swallowing like that snake, little Suzy would have been more impressed and simply passed along her email to hubby Rich. I think Alycia should take lessons from that snake.

My Insignificant Life said...

Drunk at 3pm - I better hurry to catch up - I have less than 20 minutes....

BeaverFever said...

drunk at 3pm. i agree with chris, god i miss being unemployed/in college. wear that shirt proudly becky.

and thanks to wormfather for getting that classic from sir mix-a-lot stuck in my head.

Wormfather said...

Sorry, but it was a post about a whitina skinny chick, an anaconda, and sex. The time seemed right.

Next week's post should be about untrustworthy girl with a big butt and a smile.

becky said...

LA, take note.
that's how you study for finals in your last semester of law school.

becky said...

drunk and turned on.
yup.

devang said...

I believe drunk and turned on go hand in hand.

Pun intended

McBain said...

I bet that if Alycia Lane included a video of herself swallowing like that snake, little Suzy would have been more single.

Fixed.

Smello said...

I too am now enjoying Sir Mix-A-Lot rattling around in my work avoiding brain. Although Baby Got Back keeps getting infiltrated by Put 'Em On The Glass.

I miss mid-day drinking.

College Wolf said...

I don't care what anyone says... that turned me on.

Chris said...

God I feel like I just stuck my head in the bucket of truth, I have got to get out of this office.

Otto Man said...

becky's q score just keeps rising

Right along with her BAC, just as the Good Lord intended it.

yesiamahooker said...

in another animal documentary i bet that german guy slipped in the line "do you want to pet my monkey?"

oddly enough odb's "dirt dog" was on the internet radio during the clip. somehow i found that fitting.

hakeem said...

for the record, caitlin is the antoine of the white girl names

KillBillWirtz said...

i eat bugles the exact same way

Is BDD 1 inch tall?

Tracer Bullet said...

Wormfather, nah, man. That girl is poison.

Casual T said...

Rich Eisen? Rich Eisen? We talking about Rich Eisen? Not Stuart Scott, the man women live and die for, but Rich Eisen? Rich Eisen?

TurleyGirlie said...

@worm tracer -


AAHHHHH!!! Now I've got Bell Biv Devoe in my head.

Shoot me now.

TurleyGirlie said...

@tracer bullet.


Sorry. I'm drunk at 8:46 in the morning.

Swede Zombie Jesus said...

Sorry. I'm drunk at 8:46 in the morning.

I love Irish coffee

Tracer Bullet said...

Turleygirlie: And on a weekday, no less. Impressive. And here, I thought it was me, made that girl that way.