Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Bitter Peyton Manning’s Kentucky Derby Jambaroo!


The New York Post recently reported that Peyton Manning attends the Kentucky Derby every year with Kid Rock, Dennis Hopper, Travis Tritt, and George Strait. Rock told the Post:

“It's kind of a little clique of us that you see every year. You have to understand the levels of whiskey involved. One time I ended up in a freestyle battle against Meat Loaf.”

Well, wouldn’t you know it, KSK was able to transcribe this year’s historic meeting. Here’s what happened.


Kid Rock: Who’s ready to fucking party?!

Manning: I am ready. I am more prepared than any of you for this party. I studied tape of Wisconsin students for the past two weeks. I’ve got all their tendencies down pat.

George Strait: Then let’s get to drinkin’!

Travis Tritt: Yeah, let’s watch the horses and have some fun!

Kid Rock: (whispers to Manning) So, what do you think? They’re both nice.

Manning: (drinks) I don’t know. They’re more or less indistinguishable.

Kid Rock: (drinks) C’mon, man. You need this. How long has it been?

Manning: (sighs, drinks) A year.

Kid Rock: (drinks) A year! C’mon, man! You gotta let him go!

Manning: (drinks, crying) You don’t fucking get it, man! He saw a window into my soul!

Kid Rock: (drinks) I know heartbreak, my friend. Trust me. I too had a special someone.

Manning: (drinks) Oh, you mean that little midget of yours?

Kid Rock: (drinks, lunges) Don’t you fucking talk about Joe C. like that!

Manning: (drinks) What are you gonna do about it?

Kid Rock: (drinks) Bawitdaba.

Manning: (drinks) What does that even mean?

Kid Rock: (drinks) Bawitdaba, bitch.

Manning: (drinks) Seriously, that's just gibberish.

Kid Rock: (drinks) I’m a cowboy, bitch.

Manning: (drinks) No, you’re not. You’re from fucking Michigan.

Kid Rock: (drinks) Bawitdaba.

Travis Tritt: (drinks) Now, now, you two. There’ll be plenty of time for fightin’ later on. Let’s go try and find Randy Travis, Alan Jackson, Clint Black, Ronnie Milsap, and other similar artists.

Dennis Hopper: (does a whippet) This place is so full of… energy, man.

Manning: Jesus, who brought him? He fucking creeps me out.

Hopper: C’mon, man. Just relax. Just let the atmosphere... absorb you.

Manning: What does that even mean? None of you people make any goddamn sense.

Hopper: (does a Quaalude, pulls knife) It means you do what I say, bitch.

Manning: I thought we said no knives this year.

Hopper: When you rape Diane Keaton, you get to do whatever you want.

Manning: What?

Kid Rock: (drinks) C’mon, let’s go watch the race. Who you guys got? I got Imawildandcrazyguy, because that’s totally me.

(Street Sense wins)

Kid Rock: Fuck this, man. Where’s Meat Loaf? I want to fucking BATTLE.

Meat Loaf: I’m glowing like the metal on the edge of the knife!

Kid Rock: Don’t you sing that fucking song, fat man.

Phil Rizzuto: Ok, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker here.

Kid Rock: And no Rizzuto! That’s fucking cheating!

Meat Loaf: Very well. I shall seduce you with a 9-minute minisuite!

(both men get up on a stage)

Kid Rock: Pass me the mic, bitches! Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!
I’mma fucking party tonight
Got a Party Ball with cold Coors Light
No bitch ever tells me no
Got drunk once and nailed Sheryl Crow

Beat that, ass face.

Manning: (over in the corner) Oooh, Randy Moss! Oooh, the Pats are the team to beat! Well, la di fucking da. Who fucking won the Super Bowl this year, you fucking cunts?

Travis Tritt: (drinks) Are you okay, Peyton?

Manning: I’m fine! Those mint juleps are too fucking sweet.

Travis Tritt: (drinks) Kid told me about what happened with Kenny. If you ever want to talk, I just wanted you to know that if you need someone to talk to. Or to do a duet with…

Manning: I appreciate that, George.

Travis Tritt: Travis.

Manning: Whatever.

Hopper: (corners Strait in a stable) So Coppola has this big fucking heart attack, and then it’s like fucking anarchy, man. These Cambodian fuckers take me to a shooting range, and they let me machine gun a cow for, like $10. You ever machine gun a cow on ether?

Strait: (terrified) Uh, no.

Hopper: It’s fucking great.

Meat Loaf:
Objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are…
Objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are…


Random Man In Crowd: Do “I Would Do Anything for Love,” asshole!!!

Meat Loaf: I won’t do that, you fuck.

Random Man In Crowd: You melodramatic fat shit.

Manning: I love this song, man. Objects in the rearview mirror really do appear closer than they are.

Travis Tritt: Wanna go in that handicapped bathroom?

Manning: Sure.

Kid Rock: Hey, where’d everyone go? I’m Kid fucking Rock! Nobody parties harder than me! I fucked Pamela Anderson a decade too late! C’mon, man! Fuck. This party blows.

44 comments:

SammySenrab said...

Hopefully there will be at least 3 of those shiny rails in the handicap stall...Peyton is a fan of "The Wheelbarrow," and two rails will not suffice for such acrobatics.

Unsilent Majority said...

When you rape Diane Keaton, you get to do whatever you want.

I've been trying to tell people that for years!

golgi apparatus said...

What?!? Kenny and Peyton broke up??? Man, if those two can't make it, what hope is there for other gay mafia inspired blogs??

mmmm beefy said...

that was just wrong to include scooter into this grabasstic scene. The man is a legend

Peter McSheisty said...

Best.Ever.

My Insignificant Life said...

This was priceless - I felt like I had a rail side view of the action....There has to be an after race party though - involving some Horse Porn maybe????

Otto Man said...

I can only assume John Daly was already passed out in the handicapped stall.

Smello said...

Was flubby the Random Man In Crowd? I imagine he'd had enough bourbon by then to enjoy the Loaf.

Big O said...

Drew, after the Peter King and Tom Brady post, it's getting hard for you guys to being that gay again. However, this was pretty damn close.

BoSox Siobhan said...

And to think, 2 days later, Peyton Manning was at a State Dinner for the Queen in the company of his "wife." What the fuck, indeed.

Wade Garrett said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Peter McSheisty said...

Baby wants to fuck! Baby wants to fuck Blue Velvet!

janie said...

He saw a window into my soul!

Never mind, Peyton - there's some new blood in Cleveland who'll help you to get over him.

Wade Garrett said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wade Garrett said...

Did you guys know that Peyton ate dinner with the Queen last night?

Burnsy said...

If George Strait were gay his name would be ironic. I bet that has never been noticed in the history of the world.

the butler said...

Gold.

I really must try machine-gunning a cow on ether.

Redhead said...

"I am more prepared than any of you for this party. I studied tape of Wisconsin students for the past two weeks."

Well look at that, Peyton got something right. On Wisconsin!

BeaverFever said...

You ever machine gun a cow on ether?

one of the greatest questions ever asked on this site.

i'm surprised gay quaterback isn't one of the tags on this post.

College Wolf said...

Hahahahahah that was hilarious.

For the record, I happen to love Meat Loaf. That man can croan.

12-inch Idongivafuck Sandwich said...

That was awe-some...

Casual T said...

Is the cow the one on ether?

nation_of_islam_sportsblog said...

In 1989, I saw a Meatloaf concert in Allentown, PA.

He got on the stage and threatened the crowd. And challenged anyone to come up there and take on his 260 pound ass.

Some guy jumped on the stage. Ran up to him. And punched him in the face.

I have gone to every Meat Loaf concert (well, that I could go to since), and Meat Loaf never challenged the crowd to a fight again.

Pussy.

janie said...

The Queen was at the Kentucky Derby too - is Peyton stalking her or something?

janie said...

He really shouldn't have issued a challenge like that in Allentown.

nation_of_islam_sportsblog said...

Yea, those out of work steel mill guys don't mess around.

SlickBomb said...

Drew, I was crying to keep in the uproarious laughter. Masterful performance.

devang said...

Travis: "So Peyton, why'd Kenny ditch ya?"

(Silence)

"Peyton...."


"Fuck you, I don't want to talk about it!!!"

"C'mon man let it out. It's all about heartache and pain for us country folks. You know the old classic, it's better to have lost at love, then never to have loved at all."

(sobs loudly)

One day (sob) me and Kenny were having a grand old time after a game and (sob) coach Dungy walked in on us. He roared a phrase from the bible and..and..(sobs), I can't remember anything after that..

Puts hand on Peyton's shoulder "try and let it out"

I found Kenny in a seedy Biloxi motel hanging with the words SODOMIZER carved into his chest.

Travis: "Stay the fuck away from me man!"

BeaverFever said...

when was the last time kid rock put out a cd ?

Smello said...

Apparently, Kid Rock moved on to Mr. Federline after he was done with Mr. Loaf -- (from Page 6)

After DJ AM finished his set, Federline hi-jacked the microphone from Kid Rock. K-Fed gave "shout-outs" to hot girls in the crowd and screamed, "I got four kids already - which one of you Kentucky girls wants to have my fifth?"

There were no takers, and a spy said Kid started to "tool" on Federline, making fun of him.

janie said...

Ha! +10 devang - nice.

@beaverfever - I think people may refuse to answer that on the grounds they may incriminate themselves.

BeaverFever said...

@janie, good point , i never thought of that.

@smello, good call on story from today's Page 6. talk about a white trash battle. at least kid rock has some talent.

Jackin'4Beats said...

I think Dungy would have pulled a Jules Winnfield on Peyton and Kenny if he ever caught them backing that thang up on each other.

Ezekiel 25:17 works just fine for him.

AustinBoston said...

Peyton Manning's attorney would like you to refrain from spreading lies and slander about his client. These accusations are completely false. Mr. Manning only drinks Gatorade and other similar endorsed products as stated in his rehydration contract.

Andrew said...

Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!

Clutch247 said...

12-inch idongivafuck sandich-

Did Brady Quinn give you the green light to use his middle name?

Wormfather said...

Yeah, that was real creative.

/sarcasm

Then again, I'm about as talented as a teaspoon.

Carry on.

The Pirate Sloth said...

wow, that strangely sounds like my adventure last night,

DportC said...

haha that was great...nice work

John said...

Smoking causes emphasema...and heart attacks!

Mike said...

+1 jackin'4beats

The Casey Hurley Experiment said...

If you guys don't post a link to the bear killing the moose in someone's driveway in Alaska that's on youtube by tomorrow, then... I mean, I guess I don't really have an ultimatum.

JAMMQ said...

Maybe Manning went to the Kentucky Derby hoping hoping to meet Prince Charles.

Nobody is more straight than Prince Charles.

*cough*

Thomas said...

It's never to late to nail Pamela Anderson.