Thursday, May 17, 2007

Will Somebody Puhleese Think of Corrupting the Children?

To atone for their various misdeeds and to burnish their image with the league, Chris Henry, Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson and Michael Vick met with Mrs. Plimsoll's 4th grade class at Roosterhaven Elementary School in suburban Philadelphia to discuss proper conduct and comportment.

Mrs. Plimsoll: Okay, class. We have four special guests today. These men are professional football players that have gotten into some trouble and are here to explain to you what they did and why you shouldn't do the same. We'll begin with what each player did.

Tank Johnson: I got strapped. Then I strapped my house. Strapped my dog. Bought a second house so I could strap that. Shot somebody so I could worry about someone getting revenge on me, thus giving me an excuse to buy more guns. Worry that the guns I have would plot against me, so I bought more guns. You kids got guns? We're not in Virginia, so I guess not.

Michael Vick: Oh my god. Am I back in elementary school again? This is great. I get to do finger painting and discover weed all over again. I don't think that was until 5th grade, though. Maybe a little revisionist history is in order.

Pacman Jones: I tossed paper currency on an exotic dancer in a manner suggestive of meteorological precipitation. Then I had sex with her without saying "thank you."

Chris Henry: Pick up the packet under your desk. Read items one through eight on my rap sheet. Don't do them, 'cept six, that's still going through appeal in the courts, so we'll wait on that.

Mrs. Plimsoll: Class, you may ask questions of Mr. Vick, Johnson, Henry and Jones.

Frankie Tompkins: Is your real name Tank?

Tank Johnson: Nah. It's tracked armored combat vehicle. But that's too long to stick on a gun permit, so I shortened my name and I also stopped filling out gun permits.

Mrs. Plimsoll: Students, doesn't Mr. Jones' name remind you of something?

Steven Showalter: Yeah, they had that game at the bar Chris Henry took me to last night.

Chris Henry: Which one of you kids asked me to pick up that pack of Spaten. Must've been that German kid in the back.

Mike Hunt: Mistah Jones, what causes the rain?

Pacman Jones: The rain is caused by one of three ways: these are known as condensation, coalescence and the Bergeron Process. But more often, it happens when my dick get hard and some freaky bitch twist her ass out.

Wendy Cappercan: Mr. Vick, why do you have doggies fight each other?

Michael Vick: I'm really glad you asked that. See, when at first I brought these dogs together, it was to get at the root of the pan-canine hostilities. We had doggie drumming circle, doggie art therapy classes, doggies team building exercises. Then we all sat down together, got really high and watched The Crying Game. Then Mr. Googily Eyes, Forest Whitaker gave that tale about the frog and scorpion, with the scorpion attacking the frog despite their need for one another and the frog saying, "Why did you sting me, Mr. Scorpion? For now we both will drown!" Then the Scorpion replies, "I can't help it. It's in my nature." That really opened my eyes. Also, the dogs were kinda pissed about the transvestite stuff and wanted to work it out through combat.

Mrs. Plimsoll: That's enough for the question period. To wrap up, each of the players will say what lesson they learned from their experience.

Tank Johnson: Obtaining guns is only the result of a more pressing problem, which is not owning enough guns.

Pacman Jones: Don't make catchy names for your deviant acts. It only makes the punishment more severe.

Chris Henry: Don't commit a whole bunch of crimes unless you're ready to suffer the consequences. Like, being suspended for four games. So, try to keep at least a paycheck saved up in your bank account for times like that.

Michael Vick: Then the dogs come to me after the fight and tell me how freeing and natural the act of combat is to them. It really caused me to reevaluate a lot of things. Like, I'm trying to spend all this time reading these defenses when I could be talking to them, finding their true nature. I think at the end of it, the defenses realize that my place is in the endzone and they'll leave me at peace there. Then we can get some defense drum circling going.

41 comments:

SMP said...

I tossed paper currency on an exotic dancer in a manner suggestive of meteorological precipitation.

Genius

Otto Man said...

Mike Hunt: Mistah Jones, what causes the rain?

I'm hoping it was an intentional choice to have "Mike Hunt" ask about the strippers.

Unsilent Majority said...

This has been a banner day

emily caroline said...

Reading this will easily be the highlight of my day.

But that's too long to stick on a gun permit, so I shortened my name and I also stopped filling out gun permits. Absolutely brilliant.

Burnsy said...

I learned something from their mistakes.

My Insignificant Life said...

This has truly been an 'A+' day.

Wormfather said...

I've said it once and I'll say it again. If making it rain on hot bitches and then ripping up the club with ya nine is wrong, then I dont want to be right.

Smello said...

I now have Blame It On The Rain stuck in my head. I feel like I'm being punished for having enjoyed stories about crackers.

Michael said...

"Oh my god. Am I back in elementary school again? This is great. I get to do finger painting and discover weed all over again."


Oh Ron Mexico, you crazy little scamp

mmmm beefy said...

why didn't any of the kids ask the player what they though about pooping on their towels

Wormfather said...

It's official, the poop post shall live on in imfamy.

POOP UPDATE: I took a shower this morning and fogot to poop before hand, I'm trying to hole out till this evening.

Ben Conant said...

Then Vick got the whole class blazed and they watched YouTube videos about gay unicorns on the overhead projector.

Brian said...

I think KSK has officially recovered from the takeover by ... Ladies.

Redhead said...

As if Philly sports fans don't have enough issues, now their children are learning about life from Vick, Pacman, Tank, and Henry. Outstanding.

Oh, and the tag 'children are our future unless we stop them' is about as good as it gets.

The Destroyer said...

Then I had sex with her without saying "thank you."


Perfect.

TurleyGirlie said...

And, now I have Blame It on the Rain stuck in my head.

Thanks, smello.

Raskolnikov said...

It's always sunny in Philadelphia until Pacman Jones arrives.

Derrick said...

True story......
I stopped by my local strip club last night because a friend is the bouncer and he let me in free (also he sells me weed). Anyways, I stayed for a beer to watch the talent. During one girl's stage dance, this old pervy lookin' dude stood at the edge of the stage with both hands in his pockets for almost the full song. At the end, he suddenly whipped both hands out and "made it rain" with like $6 worth of crumpled up singles.
I laughed so hard I had to leave or I was gonna pee myself.

devang said...

And, now I have Blame It on the Rain stuck in my head.

Thanks, smello.


I'll do you one worse...

I was taunted in HS with derisive chants of Blame it on Devang.

Yes I am that old.

becky said...

I didn't get the memo that it was "Smoke Crack at KSK Day."

Ed in Westchester said...

"The rain is caused by one of three ways: these are known as condensation, coalescence and the Bergeron Process. But more often, it happens when my dick get hard and some freaky bitch twist her ass out."

Nearly made me spit out a mouthful of soda.

Brilliance.

Smello said...

The question is, Devang, were you wearing bike shorts & a suit jacket with no shirt during that period of your youth?

And, I feel your pain, I saw Milli Vanilli in concert...with Information Society.

devang said...

were you wearing bike shorts & a suit jacket with no shirt during that period of your youth?

That would be a no.

I did wear Z-Cavarricis with a California roll and black high-top Reebok sneakers.

BTW, I'd like to forget the 80s decade of music. Bad times.

sledgod said...

In a few years, these children can take a sex education class with guest speakers Tom Brady, Matt Leinart, Rex Grossman and Mark Chmura.

denvergodfather said...

Devang, I think this has to win the worst cloths in the 80's-90's contest. Polka dot MC Hammer pants with a green and black cardigan sweater. I have a piceture somewhere. I doubt that ensemble can be beat.

denvergodfather said...

i have a picture in addition to my piceture

larry burns said...

@sledog,

don't discriminate based on sexuality:
for the gays we have jeff garcia peter king and of course the great audibler.

by the today was great, i loved both posts.

Awful Chief said...

The first rule of doggy fight club is you do not talk about doggie fight club.

devang said...

Then the dogs come to me after the fight and tell me how freeing and natural the act of combat is to them. It really caused me to reevaluate a lot of things. Like, I'm trying to spend all this time reading these defenses when I could be talking to them, finding their true nature. I think at the end of it, the defenses realize that my place is in the endzone and they'll leave me at peace there. Then we can get some defense drum circling going.

Can't read this shit during conference calls. Good thing my phone was on mute.

Endless material for the Adventures of Michael Vick.

the butler said...

"My name is Snoop...and I wanna be a mutha-fuckin' gangsta."

Awful Chief said...

the butler, isn't it 'hustla'?

The Diamond said...

Pick up the packet under your desk. Read items one through eight on my rap sheet. Don't do them, 'cept six, that's still going through appeal in the courts, so we'll wait on that.

I lolled.

Burnsy said...

@awful chief

Actually, the first rule of doggy fight club is lay down a pee pad.

Andrew said...

Well done with this...

Jackin'4Beats said...

@wormfather

I've said it once and I'll say it again. If making it rain on hot bitches and then ripping up the club with ya nine is wrong, then I dont want to be right.

PREACH ON BROTHA, PREACH ON.

@smello
If Blame it on the Rain is bad, nothing beats this little ditty from the one and only Oran Juice Jones (yes that was his real name):

The Rain

Awful Chief said...

OK Burnsy, so obviously the second rule of doggy fight club is
LAY DOWN a pee pad.

Third rule of doggy fight club is DO NOT fuck with Priscilla.

rar288 said...

Great job Ape. I don't think Tank ever shot anyone though.... that may be wishful thinking on my part since I'm a Bears fan.

Babydaddy said...

Very educational for the childrens. Along with the new Better Basketball video from Bruce Bowen. Lesson 1: The Sack Attack.

Andrew said...

rar: wasn't it a bodyguard?

rar288 said...

andrew: no man, the guy that got killed was Tank's best friend. A thug killed his best friend right in front of his eyes. Tank's never hurt anyone, but he has made horrible life decisions.

Robocats said...

I agree completely with Emily Caroline, my favorite line too:

"But that's too long to stick on a gun permit, so I shortened my name and I also stopped filling out gun permits."

However, I have to back rar up on this. Tank didn't shoot someone, he's a gentle giant. A gentle giant who owned a shitload of REALLY, REALLY illegal guns.