Thursday, May 31, 2007

Welcome, UFL. May We Suggest Some Franchise Names?

As you've no doubt heard by now, Mark Cuban has come up with the historically successful idea of a pro football league to compete with the NFL. Although we here at KSK are die-hard NFL fans and junior brownshirts in Der Kommissar Goodell's Third Reich, we also have other interests -- namely, frottage, zoological snuff films, and questionable business ideas.

Earlier today, the six of us brainstormed names for some North American franchises we think would attract fans in tomorrow's UFL. Mr. Cuban, feel free to use any of these, totally free of charge. All we really want is a link on BlogMaverick!


Miami Rafters... Orlando Drifters... San Francisco Treats... Utah Whites... Birmingham Church Fire... Portland Dinghys... Quad City DJs... Tacoma Aroma... Fort Lauderdale Foam Party... Memphis Homeless... Lincoln Logjammin'

New York Overheard Comments... Baltimore Barksdales... Omaha Loblaws... South Memphis Leprechauns... Grand Rapids Rapids... St. Louis White Flight... Brooklyn Negroes... Daytona Beaches... Tijuana Donkeys... Detroit Lions

Alabama FatKid HawgDroppers... Ogdenville Monorail... Mexico City Pollution... Milwaukee White Punks on Dope... San Jose Joses... Kansas City Flyovers... Cleveland Steamers... Louisiana Hurricanes... Michigan Breakdowns

Hawaii Lepers... Virginia Gameness... Mattoon Bangs... Dallas Dallassians... Houston Houstonians... San Antonio Antonians... Toronto Informers... Vancouver Salmon... Winnipeg Pegboys... Los Angeles Fucksticks... Camden Dystopia

Fort Worth Folly... Shreveport Flood... Alaska Xanax... New Jersey Asbestos Dumpers... Scranton Schrutes... Des Moines Huffers... Las Vegas Vig... Fort Wayne Flight Risks... Key West Rough Riders... Fire Island Ferries... Columbus Claretts

Boise Ennui... Durham Spandex... Lubbock Homophobes... Albany Men's Free Clinic... Hoboken Handjobs... Malibu Treehorns... Orlando Stokkes... Boston Relapse... Baton Rouge Uninsurables... Atlantic City Stinkpalm

There you go. Only three Katrina jokes: I think we showed considerable restraint. Your submissions in the comments, please.

292 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

Kansas City(KS) Evolution

TurleyGirlie said...

LOVE the Los Angeles Fucksticks.


And, thanks for the restraint with the Katrina jokes...fucksticks.


:)

Stephen Douglas said...

The L.A. Rehab

BeaverFever said...

San Francisco Unicorns

Albany Steamed Hams (fans of the simpsons should get this one).

Stephen Douglas said...

Las Vegas Prostitutes...Compton R.I.P.'s...Cincinnati Parolees...

Unsilent Majority said...

Eugene Tokers
Tucson Pharmers

BeaverFever said...

Superintendent Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams?

Seymour Skinner: Yes, it's a regional dialect.

Superintendent Chalmers: Uh-huh. What region?
Seymour Skinner: Uhh ... Upstate New York.

Superintendent Chalmers: Really? Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'steamed hams.'

Seymour Skinner:Oh, not in Utica. No, it's an Albany expression.

Superintendent Chalmers: I see.

Burnsy said...

The Alabama frachise has changed its name to the Photoshoppers.

As a season ticket holder for the Orlando Drifters, I would have to strongly recommend a change to the Gunfire. We are kicking Jacksonville's ass in per capita murder this year.

Also, might I suggest the Seattle Coathangers?

Iain said...

Witchita Kin-Bout Willis

Peter McSheisty said...

Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? A this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?!

Skinner: Yes.

Chalmers: May I see it?

Skinner: Oh, erm... No.


I think they should split up the AFC and NFC. The AFC could still play a normal season, and the NFC (who gives a shit) could play during the off-season. I need my NFL year-round.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Planet Unicorn, heyyy!

Albany Steamed Hams? Well, I'm from Utica and I've never heard of 'em.

Newark Pimps
Birmingham Inbreds
Philadelphia Depression
New Brunswick Hos (that one's for the WUFL)

Unsilent Majority said...

Laramie Bashers

BeaverFever said...

chamomiles knows what i'm talking about. btw, i think a few cities might be fighting over the inbred name.


i vote for all 3 unicorns from planet unicorn as the s.f. team mascots.

also, thanks CC for the UFl post

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

The Washington Bullets

Big Daddy Drew said...

Montclair Huskygals

Awful Chief said...

Las Vegas Teasers

My Insignificant Life said...

Atlanta Dog Fighters

Chamomiles Davis said...

The New Hampshire Jonnycakes.

MicroscopicElvis said...

The Cincinnati Bowties

My Insignificant Life said...

Cleveland Brown Stains

Chamomiles Davis said...

Boston Yahdoods

BeaverFever said...

springfield meltdowns, "I've got 'downs syndrome"

Peter McSheisty said...

Straight from the Windy Apple, the Capital City Capitals.

BeaverFever said...

Providence Ciancis (sorry only new englanders might get this one)

MicroscopicElvis said...

Panama City Clap

Chamomiles Davis said...

beaverfever's already working on marketing slogans. Goddamn!

Another submission:

Tampa Bay Strippers (just think about the cheerleader uniforms)

BeaverFever said...

i actually stole that slogan from that simspsons episode. if i remember correctly lenny was carrying a sign or yelled that slogan.

best strip club i've ever been to was in t.b. (mons venus), good call chamomiles.

Peter McSheisty said...

Juneau JewFros

That may be a bit of a stretch.

MicroscopicElvis said...

Knoxville World's Fair

Awful Chief said...

Michigan MARVIN

Josh said...

South Bend Junktouchers
Nashville Rainmakers
Cincinnati Profilers

btw, Virginia Gameness was sublime, kudos to whoever cooked that one up.

Peter McSheisty said...

@Beaverfeaver

Karl: Ive got melt mania!
Lenny: Ive got Downs' Syndrome!

Don't You Judge Me said...

The Troy McClures

BeaverFever said...

nice work mcsheisty

Unsilent Majority said...

peter- how about the Sitka Yids?

Peter McSheisty said...

Matoon Leeches (Leitches?)

Suss said...

Mankato Kaelins

Burnsy said...

@ Insignificant Life,

Cleveland Towel Stains, perhaps?

Christmas Ape said...

North Dakota Almost-Canadians
Montana Loners
Shelbyville Jerks

Unsilent Majority said...

bonus points to anyone who gets Sitka Yids

Wormfather said...

"Fire Island Ferries"

Without a doubt, the best.

MicroscopicElvis said...

UM, have you read the new Chabon? Impressions?

liquid_d said...

Perhaps the Kentucky slack-jawed-yokels?
(trying to stay w/the simpsons vibe)

Wormfather said...

...and my homestate needs a team. Connecticut Cunt Rags?

Did I go too far, yep, probably.

Raskolnikov said...

Bakersfield Methheads

Unsilent Majority said...

micro- I'm only a few chapters deep but I love it. But I'm a Chabon homer.

Raskolnikov said...

Alaska Question

[rimshot]

Don't You Judge Me said...

WITcHita Leather?

yeah, it's a shameless brown-nosing

chrisrobbins said...

The Surry County PETA's

Josh said...

New England Goalie Pullers

MicroscopicElvis said...

Good to hear - the NYT serial was disappointing, but Amazing Adventures bought him a lifetime pass in my book

Pittsburgh Mysteries

Peter McSheisty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Raskolnikov said...

Hiroshima Enola Gays

Not soon enough?

Wormfather said...

Boston Booze Bags
LA Throat Slitter
San Fran Back Bayers
Brooklyn Bats
New York Crack
San Diego Boarder Jumpers
The Seattle Overdose (@Lexipro Field)

devang said...

Camden (NJ) Criminals

Unsilent Majority said...

micro- Wonder Boys is one of my favorite novels in the past 20 years. that and Mysteries made me want to go to Pitt. Sadly I never got a class with the prof who influenced Grady Tripp.

BeaverFever said...

raskolnikov going international, in that case chernobyl would have a serious claim to the nickname meltdowns.

devang said...

@raskolnikov. +1

Tehran Kabooms

Wormfather said...

@Raskolnikov

I see your Hiroshima Enola Gays

and raise you a "The Berlin Superiors"

There, I'm done.

Unsilent Majority said...

peter- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Yiddish_Policemen's_Union

Wormfather said...

...btw, I was going to go with German Gas...but I thought that was too far. In retrospect, it would have been and I wish I had.

Yak said...

The Los Angeles Drunk Drivers

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Titusville Challengers

BeaverFever said...

to stay on the whole nuclear/radioactive theme, nevada radioactive wastelanders.

Don't You Judge Me said...

The Boston Massholes

devang said...

Staten Island Landfills.

That's it I'm not getting any more work done today.

Don't You Judge Me said...

@beaverfever, I see your Nevada Radioactive wastelanders and raise you to:

Chernobyl Lymphomas

My Insignificant Life said...

Green Bay Fudge Packers

Peter McSheisty said...

UM
I found it once I saw you all were talking about Chabon. Thanks Wiki.

Don't You Judge Me said...

The (mark) Cuban Douchebags

Burnsy said...

Nick Saban suggests the Orlando Donovans.

Burnsy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Don't You Judge Me said...

The Spain Train

Signal to Noise said...

Cincinnati Bow Ties.

Yak said...

The Missouri Misery

Undead Zombie Horde said...

New Brunswick (NJ) Pin Cushions

The Rutgers Syphillis

ok..I'll stop. I apologize. To KSKS fandom. Fuck New Jersey.

wrecking_ball said...

Pittsburgh Helmetheads

BeaverFever said...

cicnci bow ties were taken about a half ago. very popular name apparently.

Yak said...

California Wildfires.

devang said...

Fuck New Jersey.

I concur, and I live in NJ

No other reason other than its existence, right?

Raskolnikov said...

Queensland Stingrays

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Reno Divorcee's

Yak said...

Madison MudButts

Awful Chief said...

Greensburg Touchdowns

Wormfather said...

@ Don't You Judge Me and Beverfever

I'm going all in with "The Tokyo Bukkake"

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Tulsa Redskins

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Jersey smells like chemicals. I'm not even being a dick. It really is that polluted.

I hate NJ for that and the fact that nearly 99% of its wretched inhabitants thinks that their state is the tits and they are sooo proud to be from there. It just chaps my ass.

From the other side of town said...

Chicago Crooks

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Little Rock Sisterfuckers

Pork Chop U said...

Flagstaff Fluffers

devang said...

Seattle Depression

Grimey said...

Oklahoma City Bombers?

Yeah I know.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Prince William Sound Hazelwoods

Casual T said...

Toronto Homewreckers?

Otto Man said...

Damn, coming late to another party here. A lot of good ones there, but the "Baltimore Barksdales" is pure fucking genius.

Alright, here's mine:

Vancouver Hydros
San Diego Whale Vaginas
San Francisco Treats
Staten Island Fairies
Bismarck Sinkers
Cincinnati Flytraps
Lincoln Headwounds
Mississippi Mullets
Honolulu Hemophiliacs

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Sumatra Tsunamis.

I'm already aware that I'm going to hell

Awful Chief said...

La Crosse Halfsmirk

The Penalty Kill said...

Reno Janets

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Corpus Cristi Catamites

Atlanta General Shermans

Chamomiles Davis said...

One year, a friend of mine used "Oklahoma City Bombers" for the name his fantasy baseball team. This was in 1995.

Here's one: the Michigan Militia

BeaverFever said...

cincinnati race riots

Chamomiles Davis said...

The Columbus You-Jackin-Its
Cleveland Steamers

Well, that covers Ohio -- unless you want to count the "Parma Johns."

Don't You Judge Me said...

@otto man - a correction:

it's the Fire Island Fairies

Otto Man said...

@otto man - a correction: it's the Fire Island Fairies

Nah, I'm sticking with the pun on the Staten Island ferry. Plus, I hate that fucking place.

Anyway, it would be the Fire Island Faaaaaabulous!

devang said...

The Phoenix Rivers

AP said...

Atlantic City Direct Current

BeaverFever said...

chamomiles, ohio is not done yet. no one has mentioned toledo.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Milwaukee Dahmers

Andrew said...

Milwaukee Flagelence

Seattle New Year's Suicide

Baltimore Sam Cassells

Baltimore Bunks

Connecticut Giant Disparities Between the Rich and the Poor

Staten Island Fragrance

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Toledo Mud Butters

Peter McSheisty said...

Is everybody ready for some crass, low brow shock that is not really funny and will ultimately make me an outcast from KSK? (Im already going to hell for other reasons; mass pet grave in backyard, kids in trunk, etc.)

Alright, here goes!

The Blacksburg Crasians!

Chamomiles Davis said...

Missoula Oblongatas

Otto Man said...

The Indiana Inbreds

AP said...

El Paso Illegals Immigrants

BeaverFever said...

thanks you hercules

Grimey said...

For the Phil Collins fans: The Sioux City O's.

And if Phil doesn't like it, he can sue the Sioux City O's. Oh-oh-oh.

devang said...

@Chamomiles Davis +100

Casual T said...

Tennessee Tuxedos?

Otto Man said...

Missoula Oblongatas

Now that's good. They could play in the same division with the Reno Failures.

Don't You Judge Me said...

Toledo Taco

devang said...

The Memphis Raines

BeaverFever said...

South Beach Bikini Waxers

Get Him A Body Bag, Yeah! said...

Miami Rafters
Columbine Gunners
Alabama Late-Term Abortions
Atlanta Freaknik Rapes
New Jersey Rest Stop Handjobs
Mobile Colored Restrooms
Montana Package Bombs

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Helena Mirrens

Oh, This is for the Rapture said...

Santa Monica Panhandlers

BeaverFever said...

kentucky whiskey dicks

Otto Man said...

The Memphis Raines

Heh. I had that down but thought no one would get it.

As long as we're on Nick Cage -- the Arizona Raisins.

Casual T said...

Casper Friendly Ghosts

Andrew said...

For any tranny lovers out there:

South Beach Conspicuous Adam's Apples

South Beach Really Really Big Hands

flubby said...

for A-Rod:

The Toronto Strange

devang said...

The Cleveland Garys

Chamomiles Davis said...

Compton Drivebys
Vancouver Hydroponics

Wormfather said...

Oklahoma Speed
Missisippi Backwash
West Virginia First Cousins
Dairien Date Rapists (a CT thing)
Bronx Bodiquas
Nigerian 419's

Chamomiles Davis said...

@flubby: +69

devang said...

The Paris Penetrators

Otto Man said...

Vancouver Hydroponics

I already had that. And then I named it here too.

Get Him A Body Bag, Yeah! said...

Tanzania T-Cells.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Cheyenne Chitkickers
Brokeback Mountaineers

Don't You Judge Me said...

Mexico Rons

Chamomiles Davis said...

@otto man: Sorry, I must have missed it. I knew it was too good to be an original idea!

BeaverFever said...

D.C. Crack Addicted Mayors

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Bismarck Chancellors

Casual T said...

Paris Penetrators? That's a pretty big team.

Otto Man said...

Lynchburg Holy Rollers
D.C. Cabs
Charleston Chews
Oklahoma Homos
Montana Joes
Utah Johnnys

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Montpelier Saps

BeaverFever said...

Miami Sound Machine (i apologize for that one)

santa monica lewinskys

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Otto Man is destroying this

devang said...

Alabama Slammers (crickets)
Stockholm Syndrome (crickets)

Otto Man said...

No worries, Chamomiles. The Missoula Oblongatas has earned you a significant free pass.

If the Paris Penetrators is too much, how about the Paris Penicillin?

Awful Chief said...

Houston FUPA

BeaverFever said...

d.c. cabs and charleton chews in one comment. yes, otto is on a roll.

Dat RoRo Kid said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andrew said...

New York Bullshit Smoking Ban

Dat RoRo Kid said...

Gotta say: I LOVE Alaska Xanax.

"The Xanax sure are looking particularly lethargic on offense out there tonight, huh, Terry?"

Awful Chief said...

DC GentriFire

devang said...

Pittsburgh Pussy Baskets

Otto Man said...

Otto Man is destroying this

Thanks. This comes from a decade of thinking up fantasy names. A sad, pathetic decade.

The Stockholm Syndrome is terrific. I'll try to go international.

London Callings
Edinburgh Burrs
Berlin Metros
Amsterdam Brownies
Roman Hands
Venetian Blinds
Luxembourg Collective

Jason said...

You know the recievers for the Pussy Baskets will catch everything.

Wormfather said...

Brooklyn Wife Beaters

fallex said...

I was with you on OKC, grimey. Just got here late.

What about the Gary(IN) Gnus? I would buy a jersey.

fallex said...

In keeping with the theme of the avatar:
Kentucky Waterfalls
Mississippi Mudflaps
Tennessee Tophats

Jason said...

Since we've gone international...

The Bangkok Lady-boys
The Singapore Canes
The Mumbai Holy Cows

The Calcutta Black Holes

The Tokyo Roses

Otto Man said...

Colombia Neckties
Brazil Waxers
Uruguay Homophobes
Argentina Godhands
Lima Beans

devang said...

Shanghai Steamers

Jason said...

@otto- Argentina Godhands? Uruguay Homophobes?

I concede to you, sir.

devang said...

Ivorian Hitman

fallex said...

Shanghai Surprises

Awful Chief said...

Kansas City Faggots

Otto Man said...

Vietnam Beach Parties
Hong Kong Phooeys
Cambodia Holidays
Myanmar Burmese
Kyrgyzstan Consonants
Tokyo Roses

devang said...

Caracas Carcasses

Jason said...

Kiln, MS, Dildos.

fallex said...

I expect commenting to cease NOW for five to ten minutes.

Otto Man said...

+10 Chief. Great reference.

fallex said...

on the East Coast, anyway

Jason said...

Obscure-

the Ashgabat Fighting Turkmenbashis.

BeaverFever said...

otto, i thought you might have gone with the London Jacks but a reference to The Clash is very cool.

Seoul Trains
Manilla Dog Eaters

Awful Chief said...

thanks otto man, we're all just trying to keep up with your good work.

devang said...

Montevideo Blockbusters

BeaverFever said...

K.C. Faggots, Blazing Saddles reference if my memory serves me.

Paul said...

"Roughriders", all one word.

The Ottawa Rough Riders folded due to the cost of the extra space in their letterhead. The Saskatchewan Roughriders live on.

Casual T said...

[slow clap for Awful Chief with the KC ref.]

The Teutonic Titwillows?

Molotav Cocktails?

fallex said...

excellent, beaverfeaver. The endzone dances would rule.

Otto Man said...

the Ashgabat Fighting Turkmenbashis.

I'd love to see that sideline mascot. A giant gold statue that slowly turns with the sun.

Jason said...

God bless you Otto. I was hoping someone would get that.

Awful Chief said...

Salisbury Jukers
Bristol Yellers

Jason said...

Moose Jaw Boners

BeaverFever said...

fallex, i'm quessing you're talking about the dog eaters end zone celebrations ?

michael vick would try to have the dogs fight before they were eaten.

Steve said...

I'm just glad my city actually got mentioned. And I would totally buy tickets to a Fort Wayne Flight Risks game! They could even have a terrorist as a mascot. Weeeeee

Andrew said...

Illinois Nazis

fallex said...

Reviving a classic (real minor league hockey team)

Macon Whoopee

Otto Man said...

Seoul Trains and Montevideo Blockbusters. Well played.

Antwerp Nerdlingers
Sydney Lumets
Singapore Slings
Dehli Sandwiches
Manila Envelopes
Istanbul Shitters

fallex said...

Taggart: "I expected you to get a little track laid, not dance around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots."

Otto Man said...

Bangkok Blueballs
Bogota Blow
Milano Cookies
Hanoi Hiltons
Monterrey Jacks

Don't You Judge Me said...

Cancun Chupacabras

devang said...

Pyongyang Yinyangs

BeaverFever said...

Sparta 300's
Brussels Sprouts
Warsaw Pacts
Odessa Steps

Awful Chief said...

"What in the wide wide world of sports?!"

John said...

With my apologies to the fake sports league that was on Deadspin recently:

Tehran Asarus

devang said...

Budapest Goulash

fallex said...

Sorry devang, but:

The Pyongyang Twins