Welcome, UFL. May We Suggest Some Franchise Names?
As you've no doubt heard by now, Mark Cuban has come up with the historically successful idea of a pro football league to compete with the NFL. Although we here at KSK are die-hard NFL fans and junior brownshirts in Der Kommissar Goodell's Third Reich, we also have other interests -- namely, frottage, zoological snuff films, and questionable business ideas.
Earlier today, the six of us brainstormed names for some North American franchises we think would attract fans in tomorrow's UFL. Mr. Cuban, feel free to use any of these, totally free of charge. All we really want is a link on BlogMaverick!
Miami Rafters... Orlando Drifters... San Francisco Treats... Utah Whites... Birmingham Church Fire... Portland Dinghys... Quad City DJs... Tacoma Aroma... Fort Lauderdale Foam Party... Memphis Homeless... Lincoln Logjammin'
New York Overheard Comments... Baltimore Barksdales... Omaha Loblaws... South Memphis Leprechauns... Grand Rapids Rapids... St. Louis White Flight... Brooklyn Negroes... Daytona Beaches... Tijuana Donkeys... Detroit Lions
Alabama FatKid HawgDroppers... Ogdenville Monorail... Mexico City Pollution... Milwaukee White Punks on Dope... San Jose Joses... Kansas City Flyovers... Cleveland Steamers... Louisiana Hurricanes... Michigan Breakdowns
Hawaii Lepers... Virginia Gameness... Mattoon Bangs... Dallas Dallassians... Houston Houstonians... San Antonio Antonians... Toronto Informers... Vancouver Salmon... Winnipeg Pegboys... Los Angeles Fucksticks... Camden Dystopia
Fort Worth Folly... Shreveport Flood... Alaska Xanax... New Jersey Asbestos Dumpers... Scranton Schrutes... Des Moines Huffers... Las Vegas Vig... Fort Wayne Flight Risks... Key West Rough Riders... Fire Island Ferries... Columbus Claretts
Boise Ennui... Durham Spandex... Lubbock Homophobes... Albany Men's Free Clinic... Hoboken Handjobs... Malibu Treehorns... Orlando Stokkes... Boston Relapse... Baton Rouge Uninsurables... Atlantic City Stinkpalm
There you go. Only three Katrina jokes: I think we showed considerable restraint. Your submissions in the comments, please.
292 comments:
Kansas City(KS) Evolution
LOVE the Los Angeles Fucksticks.
And, thanks for the restraint with the Katrina jokes...fucksticks.
:)
The L.A. Rehab
San Francisco Unicorns
Albany Steamed Hams (fans of the simpsons should get this one).
Las Vegas Prostitutes...Compton R.I.P.'s...Cincinnati Parolees...
Eugene Tokers
Tucson Pharmers
Superintendent Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams?
Seymour Skinner: Yes, it's a regional dialect.
Superintendent Chalmers: Uh-huh. What region?
Seymour Skinner: Uhh ... Upstate New York.
Superintendent Chalmers: Really? Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'steamed hams.'
Seymour Skinner:Oh, not in Utica. No, it's an Albany expression.
Superintendent Chalmers: I see.
The Alabama frachise has changed its name to the Photoshoppers.
As a season ticket holder for the Orlando Drifters, I would have to strongly recommend a change to the Gunfire. We are kicking Jacksonville's ass in per capita murder this year.
Also, might I suggest the Seattle Coathangers?
Witchita Kin-Bout Willis
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? A this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?!
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.
I think they should split up the AFC and NFC. The AFC could still play a normal season, and the NFC (who gives a shit) could play during the off-season. I need my NFL year-round.
Planet Unicorn, heyyy!
Albany Steamed Hams? Well, I'm from Utica and I've never heard of 'em.
Newark Pimps
Birmingham Inbreds
Philadelphia Depression
New Brunswick Hos (that one's for the WUFL)
Laramie Bashers
chamomiles knows what i'm talking about. btw, i think a few cities might be fighting over the inbred name.
i vote for all 3 unicorns from planet unicorn as the s.f. team mascots.
also, thanks CC for the UFl post
The Washington Bullets
Montclair Huskygals
Las Vegas Teasers
Atlanta Dog Fighters
The New Hampshire Jonnycakes.
The Cincinnati Bowties
Cleveland Brown Stains
Boston Yahdoods
springfield meltdowns, "I've got 'downs syndrome"
Straight from the Windy Apple, the Capital City Capitals.
Providence Ciancis (sorry only new englanders might get this one)
Panama City Clap
beaverfever's already working on marketing slogans. Goddamn!
Another submission:
Tampa Bay Strippers (just think about the cheerleader uniforms)
i actually stole that slogan from that simspsons episode. if i remember correctly lenny was carrying a sign or yelled that slogan.
best strip club i've ever been to was in t.b. (mons venus), good call chamomiles.
Juneau JewFros
That may be a bit of a stretch.
Knoxville World's Fair
Michigan MARVIN
South Bend Junktouchers
Nashville Rainmakers
Cincinnati Profilers
btw, Virginia Gameness was sublime, kudos to whoever cooked that one up.
@Beaverfeaver
Karl: Ive got melt mania!
Lenny: Ive got Downs' Syndrome!
The Troy McClures
nice work mcsheisty
peter- how about the Sitka Yids?
Matoon Leeches (Leitches?)
Mankato Kaelins
@ Insignificant Life,
Cleveland Towel Stains, perhaps?
North Dakota Almost-Canadians
Montana Loners
Shelbyville Jerks
bonus points to anyone who gets Sitka Yids
"Fire Island Ferries"
Without a doubt, the best.
UM, have you read the new Chabon? Impressions?
Perhaps the Kentucky slack-jawed-yokels?
(trying to stay w/the simpsons vibe)
...and my homestate needs a team. Connecticut Cunt Rags?
Did I go too far, yep, probably.
Bakersfield Methheads
micro- I'm only a few chapters deep but I love it. But I'm a Chabon homer.
Alaska Question
[rimshot]
WITcHita Leather?
yeah, it's a shameless brown-nosing
The Surry County PETA's
New England Goalie Pullers
Good to hear - the NYT serial was disappointing, but Amazing Adventures bought him a lifetime pass in my book
Pittsburgh Mysteries
Hiroshima Enola Gays
Not soon enough?
Boston Booze Bags
LA Throat Slitter
San Fran Back Bayers
Brooklyn Bats
New York Crack
San Diego Boarder Jumpers
The Seattle Overdose (@Lexipro Field)
Camden (NJ) Criminals
micro- Wonder Boys is one of my favorite novels in the past 20 years. that and Mysteries made me want to go to Pitt. Sadly I never got a class with the prof who influenced Grady Tripp.
raskolnikov going international, in that case chernobyl would have a serious claim to the nickname meltdowns.
@raskolnikov. +1
Tehran Kabooms
@Raskolnikov
I see your Hiroshima Enola Gays
and raise you a "The Berlin Superiors"
There, I'm done.
peter- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Yiddish_Policemen's_Union
...btw, I was going to go with German Gas...but I thought that was too far. In retrospect, it would have been and I wish I had.
The Los Angeles Drunk Drivers
Titusville Challengers
to stay on the whole nuclear/radioactive theme, nevada radioactive wastelanders.
The Boston Massholes
Staten Island Landfills.
That's it I'm not getting any more work done today.
@beaverfever, I see your Nevada Radioactive wastelanders and raise you to:
Chernobyl Lymphomas
Green Bay Fudge Packers
UM
I found it once I saw you all were talking about Chabon. Thanks Wiki.
The (mark) Cuban Douchebags
Nick Saban suggests the Orlando Donovans.
The Spain Train
Cincinnati Bow Ties.
The Missouri Misery
New Brunswick (NJ) Pin Cushions
The Rutgers Syphillis
ok..I'll stop. I apologize. To KSKS fandom. Fuck New Jersey.
Pittsburgh Helmetheads
cicnci bow ties were taken about a half ago. very popular name apparently.
California Wildfires.
Fuck New Jersey.
I concur, and I live in NJ
No other reason other than its existence, right?
Queensland Stingrays
Reno Divorcee's
Madison MudButts
Greensburg Touchdowns
@ Don't You Judge Me and Beverfever
I'm going all in with "The Tokyo Bukkake"
Tulsa Redskins
Jersey smells like chemicals. I'm not even being a dick. It really is that polluted.
I hate NJ for that and the fact that nearly 99% of its wretched inhabitants thinks that their state is the tits and they are sooo proud to be from there. It just chaps my ass.
Chicago Crooks
Little Rock Sisterfuckers
Flagstaff Fluffers
Seattle Depression
Oklahoma City Bombers?
Yeah I know.
Prince William Sound Hazelwoods
Toronto Homewreckers?
Damn, coming late to another party here. A lot of good ones there, but the "Baltimore Barksdales" is pure fucking genius.
Alright, here's mine:
Vancouver Hydros
San Diego Whale Vaginas
San Francisco Treats
Staten Island Fairies
Bismarck Sinkers
Cincinnati Flytraps
Lincoln Headwounds
Mississippi Mullets
Honolulu Hemophiliacs
Sumatra Tsunamis.
I'm already aware that I'm going to hell
La Crosse Halfsmirk
Reno Janets
Corpus Cristi Catamites
Atlanta General Shermans
One year, a friend of mine used "Oklahoma City Bombers" for the name his fantasy baseball team. This was in 1995.
Here's one: the Michigan Militia
cincinnati race riots
The Columbus You-Jackin-Its
Cleveland Steamers
Well, that covers Ohio -- unless you want to count the "Parma Johns."
@otto man - a correction:
it's the Fire Island Fairies
@otto man - a correction: it's the Fire Island Fairies
Nah, I'm sticking with the pun on the Staten Island ferry. Plus, I hate that fucking place.
Anyway, it would be the Fire Island Faaaaaabulous!
The Phoenix Rivers
Atlantic City Direct Current
chamomiles, ohio is not done yet. no one has mentioned toledo.
Milwaukee Dahmers
Milwaukee Flagelence
Seattle New Year's Suicide
Baltimore Sam Cassells
Baltimore Bunks
Connecticut Giant Disparities Between the Rich and the Poor
Staten Island Fragrance
Toledo Mud Butters
Is everybody ready for some crass, low brow shock that is not really funny and will ultimately make me an outcast from KSK? (Im already going to hell for other reasons; mass pet grave in backyard, kids in trunk, etc.)
Alright, here goes!
The Blacksburg Crasians!
Missoula Oblongatas
The Indiana Inbreds
El Paso Illegals Immigrants
thanks you hercules
For the Phil Collins fans: The Sioux City O's.
And if Phil doesn't like it, he can sue the Sioux City O's. Oh-oh-oh.
@Chamomiles Davis +100
Tennessee Tuxedos?
Missoula Oblongatas
Now that's good. They could play in the same division with the Reno Failures.
Toledo Taco
The Memphis Raines
South Beach Bikini Waxers
Miami Rafters
Columbine Gunners
Alabama Late-Term Abortions
Atlanta Freaknik Rapes
New Jersey Rest Stop Handjobs
Mobile Colored Restrooms
Montana Package Bombs
Helena Mirrens
Santa Monica Panhandlers
kentucky whiskey dicks
The Memphis Raines
Heh. I had that down but thought no one would get it.
As long as we're on Nick Cage -- the Arizona Raisins.
Casper Friendly Ghosts
For any tranny lovers out there:
South Beach Conspicuous Adam's Apples
South Beach Really Really Big Hands
for A-Rod:
The Toronto Strange
The Cleveland Garys
Compton Drivebys
Vancouver Hydroponics
Oklahoma Speed
Missisippi Backwash
West Virginia First Cousins
Dairien Date Rapists (a CT thing)
Bronx Bodiquas
Nigerian 419's
@flubby: +69
The Paris Penetrators
Vancouver Hydroponics
I already had that. And then I named it here too.
Tanzania T-Cells.
Cheyenne Chitkickers
Brokeback Mountaineers
Mexico Rons
@otto man: Sorry, I must have missed it. I knew it was too good to be an original idea!
D.C. Crack Addicted Mayors
Bismarck Chancellors
Paris Penetrators? That's a pretty big team.
Lynchburg Holy Rollers
D.C. Cabs
Charleston Chews
Oklahoma Homos
Montana Joes
Utah Johnnys
Montpelier Saps
Miami Sound Machine (i apologize for that one)
santa monica lewinskys
Otto Man is destroying this
Alabama Slammers (crickets)
Stockholm Syndrome (crickets)
No worries, Chamomiles. The Missoula Oblongatas has earned you a significant free pass.
If the Paris Penetrators is too much, how about the Paris Penicillin?
Houston FUPA
d.c. cabs and charleton chews in one comment. yes, otto is on a roll.
New York Bullshit Smoking Ban
Gotta say: I LOVE Alaska Xanax.
"The Xanax sure are looking particularly lethargic on offense out there tonight, huh, Terry?"
DC GentriFire
Pittsburgh Pussy Baskets
Otto Man is destroying this
Thanks. This comes from a decade of thinking up fantasy names. A sad, pathetic decade.
The Stockholm Syndrome is terrific. I'll try to go international.
London Callings
Edinburgh Burrs
Berlin Metros
Amsterdam Brownies
Roman Hands
Venetian Blinds
Luxembourg Collective
You know the recievers for the Pussy Baskets will catch everything.
Brooklyn Wife Beaters
I was with you on OKC, grimey. Just got here late.
What about the Gary(IN) Gnus? I would buy a jersey.
In keeping with the theme of the avatar:
Kentucky Waterfalls
Mississippi Mudflaps
Tennessee Tophats
Since we've gone international...
The Bangkok Lady-boys
The Singapore Canes
The Mumbai Holy Cows
The Calcutta Black Holes
The Tokyo Roses
Colombia Neckties
Brazil Waxers
Uruguay Homophobes
Argentina Godhands
Lima Beans
Shanghai Steamers
@otto- Argentina Godhands? Uruguay Homophobes?
I concede to you, sir.
Ivorian Hitman
Shanghai Surprises
Kansas City Faggots
Vietnam Beach Parties
Hong Kong Phooeys
Cambodia Holidays
Myanmar Burmese
Kyrgyzstan Consonants
Tokyo Roses
Caracas Carcasses
Kiln, MS, Dildos.
I expect commenting to cease NOW for five to ten minutes.
+10 Chief. Great reference.
on the East Coast, anyway
Obscure-
the Ashgabat Fighting Turkmenbashis.
otto, i thought you might have gone with the London Jacks but a reference to The Clash is very cool.
Seoul Trains
Manilla Dog Eaters
thanks otto man, we're all just trying to keep up with your good work.
Montevideo Blockbusters
K.C. Faggots, Blazing Saddles reference if my memory serves me.
"Roughriders", all one word.
The Ottawa Rough Riders folded due to the cost of the extra space in their letterhead. The Saskatchewan Roughriders live on.
[slow clap for Awful Chief with the KC ref.]
The Teutonic Titwillows?
Molotav Cocktails?
excellent, beaverfeaver. The endzone dances would rule.
the Ashgabat Fighting Turkmenbashis.
I'd love to see that sideline mascot. A giant gold statue that slowly turns with the sun.
God bless you Otto. I was hoping someone would get that.
Salisbury Jukers
Bristol Yellers
Moose Jaw Boners
fallex, i'm quessing you're talking about the dog eaters end zone celebrations ?
michael vick would try to have the dogs fight before they were eaten.
I'm just glad my city actually got mentioned. And I would totally buy tickets to a Fort Wayne Flight Risks game! They could even have a terrorist as a mascot. Weeeeee
Illinois Nazis
Reviving a classic (real minor league hockey team)
Macon Whoopee
Seoul Trains and Montevideo Blockbusters. Well played.
Antwerp Nerdlingers
Sydney Lumets
Singapore Slings
Dehli Sandwiches
Manila Envelopes
Istanbul Shitters
Taggart: "I expected you to get a little track laid, not dance around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots."
Bangkok Blueballs
Bogota Blow
Milano Cookies
Hanoi Hiltons
Monterrey Jacks
Cancun Chupacabras
Pyongyang Yinyangs
Sparta 300's
Brussels Sprouts
Warsaw Pacts
Odessa Steps
"What in the wide wide world of sports?!"
With my apologies to the fake sports league that was on Deadspin recently:
Tehran Asarus
Budapest Goulash
Sorry devang, but:
The Pyongyang Twins
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