Thursday, May 17, 2007

Free Crackers For Fitty, Act II

[In case you haven't read it, here's Act I]



Scene i: The Meeting
Setting: Miramax regional office building.


Fitty: [Walking through the lobby with Matt to the reception desk] Damn, this place is tight.

Matt: Yeah, it's alright.

Fitty: Why do people need a water fountain inside an office building? And look, there's not even any change in there.

Matt: [to receptionist] Hey there baby. I’m Matt. What’s your—[realizes the receptionist is not female, but actually a gay male bearing a striking resemblance to Doug from Trading Spaces] uh, we have a meeting with—

Receptionist: [somewhat annoyed that it’s Matt Leinart in front of him and not Brady Quinn] My name is Geoffrey.

Matt: Oh.

Fitty: [yelling] Can I throw change in this fountain?

Geoffrey: They’re expecting you. Room F, down [points limply, as if making a swan-like gesture with his arm, hand, and finger] that hall.

Matt: Thanks. [Heads down the hall] C'mon, Fitty.

Fitty: Damn, man I think he liked you. Maybe he could—

Matt: Shut up. Now, remember, don’t say shit. We’re just gonna listen, and then we’ll leave.

Fitty: And my free crackers are waiting for me on the other side of that conference room door?

Matt: For fuck’s sake, you’ll get your damn crackers. Just be cool, okay?

Fitty: Alright. So who the fuck is Lassie, anyway?

Matt: [stunned] Lassie? You don’t know Lassie?

Fitty: [stares blankly]

Matt: Lassie the dog? Lassie Come Home, all that shit?

Fitty: Like one of Mike Vick’s dogs? That one that Quan was betting on that last time we were over there?

Matt: No, man. He’s...she’s like a real dog. A collie. Climbs down wells and shit.

Fitty: A dog that can climb down a well? That’s some bullshit right there.

Matt: Look, never mind, just don’t ruin this for me [They walk in the room] Hey Harvey, sorry we’re late.

Miramax Guy: Thanks for coming, guys. We started without you, hope you don’t mind.

Matt: Nah, that’s cool.

Miramax Guy: Have a seat. We’re just brainstorming for concepts. Okay, people, let’s get some more ideas flowing.

[Fitty slowly looks around the room as he sits down]

Guy with Goatee: What if Lassie was coked up on heroin?

Token Quasi-Lesbian Writer Who Is Neither Attractive Nor Asian: How about Lassie in high school, and the other girls are just bitches to her. But then maybe she has a friend that she meets, like that girl from Terribithia or some shit.

46-Year-Old Guy With Earring: And then Queen Latifah drives them around in a cab!

Fitty: [whispering to Matt] There are no crackers in this room.

Matt: [whispering back] There's some vegetables on that tray in the corner over there.

Fitty: I see the tray of vegetables, Matt. I also see some oatmeal raisin cookies that I'm sure are delicious.

Matt: I'm sure they are.

Fitty: And I will enjoy them momentarily, because I know that those items will kickstart my bowels in preparation for your punishment of welshing on one promise of free crackers to Mr. Fitzgerald.

Washed-Up Comedian: Maybe the dog finds out that it’s gay and starts humping other dogs in the neighborhood and, um, you know, making them gay or something. Then they all learn how to ride motorcycles and, I don’t know, start their own little doggie faggot biker gang or something.

Miramax Guy: [staring at the floor, shaking his head] Louie, we do not use that word in this room.

Washed-Up Comedian: Sorry.

Miramax Guy: They’re a club, not a gang.

Emo Guy: I don’t see how that sends a good message about the environment.

Token Quasi-Lesbian Writer Who Is Neither Attractive Nor Asian: Or the homeless!

Washed-Up Comedian: Your mom’s homeless!

[room erupts into shouting]

Joe Mantegna: Fellas, fellas. [Room quiets down] I am hearing some great ideas here! But also, I am hearing some ideas that couldn’t outlast a piece of dog shit on a popsicle stick on a sunny day. This is not a Hilary Swank vehicle. This is Lassie. Lassie is a female collie, a dog. Okay? It’s a dog. It’s not Queer Eye for the Terminator. Are we clear on this, everyone?

Fitty: [whispering angrily to Matt] When we get outta here, I am gonna open the sunroof of your vehicle and let the warm air from the interior dissipate into the atmosphere. I will then climb onto the roof of your ride and drop the trousers of justice and unleash a methane-laced helping of truth onto your seats, emergency brake, and cup holders. Such is the penance for--

Matt: [whispering back] You are not shitting through the sunroof of my Hummer!

Fitty: It will be a cacophony of dank chocolate pyrotechnics, all beyond your control. And then after my bowels are empty, I will then close the sunroof and let nature do its thing.

Matt: That's it. Gimme my keys back.

Emo Guy: Maybe Lassie could be the first female president?

Washed-Up Comedian: Yeah, the Taco Bell dog could be her running mate.

Token Quasi-Lesbian Writer Who Is Neither Attractive Nor Asian: How about Lassie in high school, and the other girls are just bitches to her. But then maybe she has a friend that she meets, like that girl from Teribithia or some shit.

Guy With Goatee: And then Queen Latifah drives them around in a cab!

Joe Mantegna: So what if Lassie winds up in China and she has to break into the restaurants there and save the other dogs. And they learn Kung-Fu. David Carridine might be interested.

Emo Guy: Instead of just getting spayed, could we have the dog get a sex change operation and then she has to rediscover himself through a series of personal trials?

Fitty: [stands up] Hang on, what about this? Suppose Lassie could be living in the northern United States, where she held a small but prestigious position as ballboy for the Minnesota Vikings, after which she makes the cover of a popular video game and then heads out on a summer-long quest for crispy, grain-based treats.

Guy With Goatee: …and then what?

Fitty: Uh…and then she flies into wells to collect change…and then, uh…into outer space! And there she merges with four other dogs of different colors to create a colossal superdog that fights paramilitary mutants, witches, and non-biodegradable litter in order to restore peace and harmony to the universe and shit.

[stunned silence for, like, 30 seconds]

Guy With Goatee: Wow.

Joe Mantegna: Wow.

Washed-Up Comedian: Wow.

Token Quasi-Lesbian Writer Who Is Neither Attractive Nor Asian: Fine, as long as the superdog doesn’t vote Republican.

Miramax Guy: This is the best concept we’ve had in three weeks.

46-Year-Old Guy With Earring: We could have Dudley Moore narrate--

Washed-Up Comedian: And Kenny Loggins could write the soundtrack!

Miramax Guy: He can’t narrate the film; he’s dead.

Washed-Up Comedian: Kenny Loggins is dead?

Miramax Guy: Larry, who would you pick to direct this sure-to-be epic picture?

Fitty: I dunno.

Miramax Guy: Well, let’s get some more of your thoughts now then. Let’s get some snacks, everyone. [Speaking into the intercom] Geoffrey, can we get some crackers in Room F, please?

Fitty: That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

33 comments:

David said...

I am satisfied that Fitty got his crackers; the suspense was near killing me.

Oh and:
It will be a cacophony of dank chocolate pyrotechnics, all beyond your control. And then after my bowels are empty, I will then close the sunroof and let nature do its thing.

Pure genius.

Burnsy said...

So Larry ends up being the protagonist. That's some Sixth Sense shit right there.

Brian said...

I don't quite know about you, MMP, but I like you.

From the other side of town said...

Wow! What a save by MMP! Poor parody and scatalogical references creating a literary train wreck of humor that gets saved with the non sequitur of food being ordered.

Fitzee's grandma would be proud.

the butler said...

Hall. Of. Fucking. Fame.

Casual T said...

[slow clap] Excellent post!

Put me down for $50 on the "colossal superdog" against Vick's Priscilla.

Slash said...

It's like a documentary. With a happy cracker ending. Awesome.

Vanilla said...

I’m disappointed that Fitty never got to throw change into that water fountain. It somehow makes him getting his cracker on a shallow victory.

mjhmba02 said...

Concur with David...Pure Genius

Whoever could've imagined that cacophony, dank, and pyrotechnics could be coherently strung together within a stretch of five words....

larry burns said...

i am amazed by this, great job. lesbian who is neither asian nor attractive.

Ben Conant said...

So Matt Leinart was a ghost the whole time?

miamidiesel said...

"Matt: No, man. He’s...she’s like a real dog. A collie. Climbs down wells and shit.

Fitty: A dog that can climb down a well? That’s some bullshit right there."

Admittedly, I have no idea what all this is about... but that exchange right there is going to have me giggling like a school girl all day at work...

Greg Schuler said...

Is there anything on the cracker? Maybe a hummus or perhaps a quick dip in some peanut butter? I mean, just a plain cracker - that's pretty borring.

I like the Wispride cheese spread myself, or a cheese log.

Cake icing on a graham cracker is nice.

Raskolnikov said...

greg, see the Act I Mitch Hedberg comment.

And if Ritz's are too salty, just get the reduced sodium version.

J said...

Wow. I used to work in Hollywood, that is exactly what it's like.

That's why we can all look forward to "Fast and the Furious 4".

For real.

SlickBomb said...

I'm so glad that turned out well. Fitty and his crackers could have been KSK's Vietnam.

My Insignificant Life said...

All in all, a happy ending - just like a Lassie movie. Fitty is so on top of things. He saved the day and got him some crackers!

Now I need to explain to my boss why I was busting a gut laughing so loud.

This has got be the Blog Entry of the Year Candidate.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Still laughing about this one. Maybe the anticipation of creating a "cacophony of dank chocolate pyrotechnics" unleashed Fitty inner brainstormer to create Lassie the super-powered wonder dog (on smack).

I think this is the second post that has used the word bowels. Fortunately they weren't loosening this time.

Jackin'4Beats said...

MMP - you've officially redeemed yourself for allowing the ladies... to take over this site for a day.

Well done.

Otto Man said...

Washed-Up Comedian: Maybe the dog finds out that it’s gay and starts humping other dogs in the neighborhood and, um, you know, making them gay or something. Then they all learn how to ride motorcycles and, I don’t know, start their own little doggie faggot biker gang or something.

Wasn't that already made, starring John Travolta, Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence, and Filliam H. Muffman?

Otto Man said...

I'm so glad that turned out well. Fitty and his crackers could have been KSK's Vietnam.

And now it's Grenada. Hooray!

Becky said...

MMP, you complete me.

Complete me being a total waste of work space - I'm on lunch at least - but still. Bravo.

ColeTrain said...

Crackers and Doggie Voltron?

There is no real rationale for this to be funny, but some how I am laughing.

devang said...

It will be a cacophony of dank chocolate pyrotechnics, all beyond your control. And then after my bowels are empty, I will then close the sunroof and let nature do its thing.

Quote of the year so far

Wormfather said...

I'm less confused now, but still confused.

Wormfather said...

...and there'd better be an act three or I'm gonna make it rain in this bitch.

Brian said...

MMP - you've officially redeemed yourself for allowing the ladies... to take over this site for a day.

Well done.


Exactly. The last few days have totally washed the estrogen off of the site.

mjhmba02 said...

@devang

Someone needs to get Samuel Jackson to recreate his Jules Winnfield character but replace the Ezekiel bible quote with MMP's cacophony passage. Instead of pointing a gun a Lienart, he could point some celery and carrot sticks.

Just a thought.

surt2k said...

I find myself strangely attracted to the Token Quasi-Lesbian Writer Who Is Neither Attractive Nor Asian.

swing4 said...

I scrolled up the page, reading the tags first. When I saw "things that are too salty", I imagined the worst.

Or, so I thought.

rar288 said...

"start their own little doggie faggot biker gang or something."

I thought for sure this was BDD's work. Man you kick ass MMP.

Tracer Bullet said...

"Drop the trousers of justice" Just so you know, I'm going to be stealing that line.

Roger said...

Have you been reading a lot of Burroughs, MMP?

That was a scatolotical stream of consciousness that had no reason to be funny but clearly was. Bravo. You just made it rain up in this bitch.