Thursday, May 3, 2007

She's Like The Girl Next Door,
Unless You Don't Live Next Door To A Strip Club

IF YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THIS BLOG from its inception, you're already aware that we have a bit of a track record when it comes to people of a certain public status. Regardless, we consider it part of our raison d’ĂȘtre to keep tabs on even those peripheral characters in this small, (sometimes) confining realm of professional prolate ellipsoidism. And it so happens that such a person jumped onto our radar during last weekend's Draft.

By now, most of us know that Lindy Slinger is not some random stewardess that the Notre Dame quarterback picked up on his flight to New York, nor is she some high-class prostitute that was assigned to Brady by the League for the purposes of deflecting rumors of Mr. Quinn's alleged homosexuality, a la Rock Hudson.

No, Lindy is actually passing herself off as the All-American Girl to Baby Dreamboat's All-American Gay Guy. She plays Divsion I soccer, has a birthday on Christmas and probably doesn't put out until coerced, or to get back at her last boyfriend, not that I would know anything about that. But is such a generous assessment even in the same cul-de-sac with reality? I asked around, and some people suggested to the contrary. What follows are actual tips sent in from actual readers, and obviously only Jesus cannot confirm or deny whether any of these are true, and He and I are kind of on the outs right now:

I knew her from high school. She [was] pretty much just your typical soccer playing prep girl who was also a huge slut. My sister was in her year and on the soccer team with her; she absolutely hated her.
-HS classmate A




I've only got one, and it's no secret.

-Brady Lite, when asked if he had a secret crush, in his HS yearbook

I think they were waiting til they were out of college [to marry]; [but] they were off for awhile and he dated a girl [for a couple of months] here at ND, but then realized Lindy was The One.

-Notre Dame student


She couldn't get into Notre Dame if her life depended on it. She ended up at Miami, but somehow managed to hold on to Brady while he was in South Bend. She's been rockin' the nasty fake blonde hair since high school.

-HS classmate B

She definitely lets everyone at Miami know she's dating him and tries just like he does to portray this really churchy goody-goody image that couldn't be further off.

-Miami of Ohio student

She didn't start dating Brady until his senior year, so she had plenty of time to build a slutty reputation prior to that. My basis for the label comes mostly from knowing how she acted in middle school and through high school. I guess she could have actually calmed down, found Jesus and what not since she went to college, but...I really doubt it.

-HS classmate A
I kept getting filled with rage every time ESPN gave that [young lady] airtime this weekend, but [if you put a] gun to my head, I'd rather look at her than either of Quinn's mannish sisters.

I've seen her uptown a few times; she's more of a Campus Crusader closet slut than a bar hopping one.

-Miami of Ohio student

For those who would argue that this broad has no bearing on anything, I say this: Lindy's relationship with Brady Lite could very well determine the outcome of Quinn's quest for NFL prominence. Numerous professional studies have shown that people are more proficient during the day when they return to more stable lives at home. Their successes, and failures, will be shared (Her major is communications, for fuck's sake, and the only two jobs for that major out of college are "football player" and "football player's wife").



So if Quinn can be the benefactor of that kind of lovin', good for him. That is, if their relationship is as solid as advertised. Such a fortified presence in his life can only enhance his spirit, provided his list of excuses for being sighted near highway rest stops is ample.

But if that relationship is so damn great, why feel the need to advertise it at all? Will corporate endorsement reps or hotel groupies be setting their rosters any differently based on arm candy that looks more like the Tuesday warmup act at Columbus Gold? Does the league stand to gain by promoting its new Caucasian quarterback as some sort of anti-Leinart? And does this leave Lindy to be an unlikely centerpiece in pro football's return to traditional values? Or the NFL's first fag hag?



Still, at the end of the day, how do you say no to this guy:


Just to reiterate, and to keep Drew from having a stroke, these tips are actual feedback from solicitations for comment that I put out earlier this week, and I suppose, prima facie, that they would be about as credible as what Jimmy told you about what Brad said that Heather said that Karen said that Danny said in front of your locker before third period. They were not made up for laughs, and we're just passing them along.

83 comments:

youbeen said...

you guys are crazy.. good work.
HG www.youbeenblinded.com

DrDoom said...

did you posts this in the future, how did you post it at 759 when it is 646? But wow nice job.

The Hoosier Loser said...

I think the "Weakness: Black Guys" pic pretty much made my entire year.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I'm just gonna go ahead and disavow having anything to do with this post.

Please direct all subpoenas strictly to Punter and his hedgehog.

Doctor Milhouse said...

This is all going to end in tears. I just know it.

mmmm beefy said...

and while we are at it I banger her 3 times when i was in sixth grade...and i live in New Jersey

golgi apparatus said...

It should have been obvious that the drapes don't match the carpet.

Unsilent Majority said...

Ohio, home of the haters

Clutch247 said...

In French she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted with only her cunning to protect her.

Bucktown Skins Fan said...

I have no ill will towards this girl, but I just have to ask: did you guys take note of her mom's name?

Cheri Slinger.

My formulaic porn name (middle name plus childhood street name) is pretty damn good, but it can't even touch her REAL name. Wow... you cannot make that stuff up.

Sarah said...

Brady and I have the same weakness.

Lindy doesn't look as busted in those pics though as she looked on Saturday.

Rob I said...

You're a big meanie.

Unsilent Majority said...

Aside from Brady they make a lovely couple.

Cedrick said...

Punter - sorry to hear that you and Jesus are having problems right now.

BTO

rodeoclown said...

There is a reason this site has become one of the first I check each morning...even during the off-season.

For all of you not living in the Midwest...Miami of OH has a bit of a reputation for being a snotty, elitist, dickwad of a school.

Except for the girls...who are known for all of that and being sluts...good score Brady.

BeaverFever said...

wow, it looks like the claws are out after reading some of those comments.
me-fucking-ow.

"It should have been obvious that the drapes don't match the carpet.", assuming there is a carpet.

becky said...

HA! I was 110% convinced she was a stewardess! For realz.

denvergodfather said...

there is, for sure, no carpet on her or any woman like her

Burnsy said...

As a former collegiate women's soccer groupie, I can say with unequivocal foresight that she's most likely a total hooker skank. Complete with an iron liver and a rock solid beartrap snooch.

God bless them all.

lieutenant winslow said...

Lindy Slinger?

Aye mon, I had in me cab once

Awful Chief said...

"La mademoiselle a un certain je ne sais quois."
- HS foreign exchange student

Translation:
She's an ass-to-mouth kind of girl.

Burnsy said...

And having traveled to Miami of Ohio quite a few times, all there is to do there is drink, hump and pray for an early death.

Phishisgr8 said...

FUCK that mustard costume is sweet!

Jordi said...

Brady better keep her on a short leash, what with Pac Man unemployed this year.

josh said...

1) man, I wish I'd come up with that ketchup/mustard idea before b. lite and his buddy did.

2) that's some real investigative journalism there. edward murrow is smiling down at y'all from heaven.

3) (sound of bubbling pipe.)

becky said...

nobody?

OK, I'll do it....

Where the white women at???

Slash said...

Knowing that her real name is Lindy Slinger (which sounds like a dance or a drink), I kinda feel sorry for her. The hell that girl must have gone through in high school.

I wish I had that mustard costume.

Steven said...

Isn't she married to Rextacy? Seems she's already taken his last name...

devang said...

I mean, doesn't the name just drip of sluttiness? Isn't it a given that female high school soccer players are the sluttiest?

Once Brady starts hanging out with the Rexstacy, I forsee a Michael Strahan like future for him as far as his marriage is concerned.

Is the Browns center a black guy? If so, I see Quinn "fumbling the snap" quite a bit.

LadyAndrea said...

She is a lot cuter in these pictures than on Saturday.

MMP, where is the hedgehog picture I was promised?

Otto Man said...

Am I the only one who's seen the mustard and ketchup costume combo before? That's been a Halloween staple for a while now.

What's wrong with you people? Maybe I'm the only one cruising the junior high schools on Halloween...

Jordan Ginsberg said...

You mean that this girl's peers who *aren't* dating soon-to-be millionaire NFL quarterbacks have a bunch of cunty, jealous-sounding things to say about her? Fascinating!

Otto Man said...

The mustard/ketchup costumes are available here and, apparently, at 50 other stores.

I post this just to stamp out the rumor that Brady Quinn had an original, creative idea.

Brother Joshua said...

that girl is dirty, no question. it's not even something you have to debate for more than few seconds. she's going to be doing most of the browns team in a couple years.

LadyAndrea said...

jordan ginsberg, excellent point.

Redhead said...

devang: no, it's not a given that female high school soccer players are the sluttiest. (I always thought that title went to the cheerleaders.)
Now be nice so I don't have to kick your ass.

Unsilent Majority said...

kick his ass!

devang said...

@Redhead, yes ma'am!! I assume you were one? (soccer player, not slut)

Well, at least in NJ they were. I need to get out more.

Otto Man said...

kick his ass in a cheerleader outfit!

I rape red sox fans said...

Yes, but is she a Red Sox fan?

devang said...

Alright now let's settle this amicably.

@redhead. What if I send you a bottle of 10yr old Laphroaig?

We cool?

Redhead said...

First of all, the NJ comment didn't help (since I'm from NJ). But you saved yourself by offering the Laphroaig. We're cool.
Wait, did I just imply I can be bought? Oops.

devang said...

Wait but, how as I, I mean...?

You can stop talking for while Champ.

BigRicks said...

awful chief made me laugh harder just now than i've laughed in some time. thanks bro.

Jez said...

Did Save the Steagles give you any of those comments? I'm waiting for her to show up and post here...she goes to U of M (Ohio), you know.

I don't know if they're slutty at U of M (Ohio), but I do know that one time when I visited that campus, I didn't see any bad-looking ones. And I know bad looking...I went to Iowa State.

devang said...

@redhead, BTW I'm from NJ too

Awful Chief said...

@bigricks. Thanks dawg, er, mawg.

Redhead said...

devang: Now you're just starting to sound like you're scared of me.

Chris said...

@Otto Man, those costumes have been a staple of the college frat scene down in MS as well. I like the plug and socket costumes better.

Rob I said...

Hooray for sweeping generalizations!

Casual T said...

If she meets up with Rextacy, then the Sex Cannon will take the title of "Lindy Slinger"

SlickBomb said...

Masterful performance by the guys at KSK. I would bang her in a second... but you can't turn a ho' into a housewife.

devang said...

@redhead

ALL women scare me.

mamacita said...

Not your finest moment, fellas.

Otto Man said...

Thanks for backing me up, Chris. I had a moment there where it was like everyone was marveling over this brand new invention called "tel-e-vision."

ColeTrain said...

Brady Quinn is lucky - there are few women more loyal to their friends than "fag hags."

@sarah, hit me up!

MCBias said...

I second mamacita's comments. Hey, speculation about famous people is fun, and I like the fan insider detail...But can we stick with the over-21 set next time, and not rip off facebook accounts for pics? And yes, this no doubt is the work of save the steagles.

Monday Morning Punter said...

But can we stick with the over-21 set next time...

What's this "we" shit, white man? Your problem is that she's only 21, but 22 is okay?

You might have a logical position for not liking the post, and that's fine, but your arbitrary nonsense is not welcome here.

SlickBomb said...

@ Jason:

Punter's just making a few jokes we've all made before, posting some pics she obviously put on the Internet herself, and getting info from people who know her personally. I did the same thing at TheBigLead a few weeks ago, and there is nothing wrong there.

If she doesn't want attention, maybe she should stop acting like it.

Monday Morning Punter said...

Jason just got his ass Punted.

Slash said...

I wasn't suggesting homeboy crafted the mustard costume himself, I was just sayin, I would like to have that outfit. You know, just for funsies. The proper companion costume, though, would be a big weiner or a big-ass pretzel.

And I like ragging on sorta trashy-looking chicks, though these pics of her aren't bad, she's not doing anything a million other college girls haven't done (and are probably doing right now), she's classy enough to not be giving us the ol' tongue-through-the-fingers pose (used to be a favorite among drunk sorority bitches).

twoeightnine said...

Speaking from experience, MU girls are sluts. At least the ones I've come across and I've come across 5.

BigTDog said...

and I've come across 5.

Well played, sir.

Signal to Noise said...

Those photos could be a ton worse, and it's not like it isn't anything most of us didn't do (or at least try to do) in college.

Looks 10 times hotter in the photos than she did on draft day. You select beards well, Mr. Quinn.

yesiamahooker said...

it seems her name in french would actually be "salope"

http://www.notam02.no/~hcholm/altlang/ht/French.2.html#so110

MCBias said...

MMP, there are more than one of you who write the site, thus "we."

My over-21 comment was meant to mean there's a difference between adults who are already public figures and college students who no one has ever heard of except for some contact with some other celebrity.

In my opinion, KSK is great when it kicks UP, at guys like Peter King and Brett Favre who get too much credit. However, today you guys decided to kick down to take out someone's hometown girlfriend, who he may not even be with in a year. Yes, you put qualifiers in there, but still. Why take out the nobodies of the NFL when there are so many better targets?

Look, do what you think is right, it's your site and reputation. You guys made your call. I just posted my thoughts. If everyone else on your site likes it, then maybe I get the "Clint" treatment. Whatever.

Brother Joshua said...

The proper companion costume, though, would be a big weiner or a big-ass pretzel

apparently i've already got half of the companion costume.




now if i can only find a big weiner.

quiet cardinal said...

I had a comm. class with the quinn slinger at Miami(OH)... she is cute and all, but she was average compared to the hundreds of gorgeous women there on campus... damn, i miss my alma mater

Will said...

Guys, gotta say, love that shit when you're doin' it to professionals. But seriously? Some girl who got some airtime when she was someone's DATE to something? The off-season is not treating you as well as I would have hoped. Can't you just pick your next-favorite sport to write about?

Captain Caveman said...

MCBias: Let me define "we" for you: It's first-person plural, which means you're including yourself with us. The correct pronoun you're looking for is "you."

You don't have to like the post, and you're welcome to voice your displeasure, but don't pussyfoot around it by implying you're part of the gang.

Jez said...

MCBias isn't part of the gang any more?


*Checks list*
*Crosses out MCBias' name, which happens to be only name on the list*
*Puts away list*

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Goddammit, I hate that my company blocks Blogger, I never get to play with you guys. So I add a lame "good post, Punter" and slink away ...

MCBias said...

MMP was right to challenge my logic on the first comment. I needed more detail.

But CC, your forte is English, not psychology. Don't subject me to weak Freudian slip analysis with poor evidence. If I use 'we' as in "We are fighting over a two-letter pronoun", does it mean you or I are friends, wishing to be included, or at all in agreement?! Way to dodge the main argument to haggle over pronouns.

Look, no one, including myself, wants me to be "that guy" who won't leave a particular topic alone. Thanks for not deleting my comments.

Monday Morning Punter said...

McB, thank you for not being a toothless dipshit.

Jason was fine until he made it angry and personal. I maintain a monopoly on vitriol in this space, but his calling me a faggot about me finding people calling someone a slut didn't do him any favors, either.

JAMMQ said...

Nothing libelous or slanderous here.

This article published by KSK is clearly satirical.

In addition, although this Lindsay person is a private individual(as opposed to a public figure or public official), by being present at the draft and holding herself out to the community as being connected to Brady Quinn(who is a public figure) there is clearly no cause of action for defamation here.

(I knew all those dollars spent on law school tuition would one day be worth something).

God Bless KSK!!!

JAMMQ said...

And since when do people expect this site to play it safe?

Geez, it's not like anyone was in full-on stalker mode and tailed Brady Quinn to cum-Slinger's dorm room 3 months ago. The pictures were already published in the public forum of the Internets, by her or her friends.

She only came to the public's attention because she, and Quinn, and Condon, and the NFL decided to have her sit next to Quinn with 18 million cameras on him on Saturday.

That's thrusting yourself in the public's eye if you ask me.

You people, or we people, or whomeever need to relax.

This was funny sh*t. Case closed.

Good job Gay Mafia.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I am now forming a new non-profit organization, solely devoted to collecting any funds willingly donated to bail any of the Gay Mafia out of jail before they have to have to make good on the 'Gay' part while in jail.

JAMMQ said...

Didn't Bill Hicks and Dennnis Leary joke about cancer? And, Bill Hicks actually died from cancer and he could joke about it.


Who's gayer . . . Duke basketball fans, or Notre Dame football fans?

Because, I have a feeling(and it's just a feeling) that it was a lot of Notre Dame fans who took offense to the post.

Not defenders of privacy, or those opposed to defamatory comments, or those who feel KSK is overreaching for comedic material . . . but it's Notre Dame fans who are upset at this. I bet you if it was about JaMarcus Russell's girlfriend people would be giggling there asses off.

But the blonde girl, ooooh that's off limits.

Thank God this site isn't owned by a major corporation, because "they" would have shut it down already.

God bless KSK, and . . . kill kill kill.

Monday Morning Punter said...

I know em both...

Mr. Yellow Shirt, I presume.

twoeightnine said...

Now why would you think that someone who posted something about Brady Quinn in 14 out of his last 17 blog posts would be a ND (or Browns at least) fan?

Monday Morning Punter said...

The awesome writing skill was a clue, but the smell was a dead giveaway.

But that's all over now. Hooray insomnia!

Phishisgr8 said...

@thenaturalmevs:

It's all fun and games till someone you "know" is the subject, I see.

And by "know" you mean masturbate to their posters on your wall while all the time saying, "Ya, Brady, you liek that don't you!"

Punch Rockgroin said...

If you're going to have a beard, may as well be something like this.