She's Like The Girl Next Door, Unless You Don't Live Next Door To A Strip Club

IF YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THIS BLOG from its inception, you're already aware that we have a bit of a track record when it comes to people of a certain public status. Regardless, we consider it part of our raison d’être to keep tabs on even those peripheral characters in this small, (sometimes) confining realm of professional prolate ellipsoidism. And it so happens that such a person jumped onto our radar during last weekend's Draft.

By now, most of us know that Lindy Slinger is not some random stewardess that the Notre Dame quarterback picked up on his flight to New York, nor is she some high-class prostitute that was assigned to Brady by the League for the purposes of deflecting rumors of Mr. Quinn's alleged homosexuality, a la Rock Hudson.

No, Lindy is actually passing herself off as the All-American Girl to Baby Dreamboat's All-American Gay Guy. She plays Divsion I soccer, has a birthday on Christmas and probably doesn't put out until coerced, or to get back at her last boyfriend, not that I would know anything about that. But is such a generous assessment even in the same cul-de-sac with reality? I asked around, and some people suggested to the contrary. What follows are actual tips sent in from actual readers, and obviously only Jesus cannot confirm or deny whether any of these are true, and He and I are kind of on the outs right now:

I knew her from high school. She [was] pretty much just your typical soccer playing prep girl who was also a huge slut. My sister was in her year and on the soccer team with her; she absolutely hated her.

-HS classmate A

I've only got one, and it's no secret.

-Brady Lite, when asked if he had a secret crush, in his HS yearbook

I think they were waiting til they were out of college [to marry]; [but] they were off for awhile and he dated a girl [for a couple of months] here at ND, but then realized Lindy was The One.

-Notre Dame student

She couldn't get into Notre Dame if her life depended on it. She ended up at Miami, but somehow managed to hold on to Brady while he was in South Bend. She's been rockin' the nasty fake blonde hair since high school.

-HS classmate B

She definitely lets everyone at Miami know she's dating him and tries just like he does to portray this really churchy goody-goody image that couldn't be further off.

-Miami of Ohio student

She didn't start dating Brady until his senior year, so she had plenty of time to build a slutty reputation prior to that. My basis for the label comes mostly from knowing how she acted in middle school and through high school. I guess she could have actually calmed down, found Jesus and what not since she went to college, but...I really doubt it.

-HS classmate A

I kept getting filled with rage every time ESPN gave that [young lady] airtime this weekend, but [if you put a] gun to my head, I'd rather look at her than either of Quinn's mannish sisters.

I've seen her uptown a few times; she's more of a Campus Crusader closet slut than a bar hopping one.

-Miami of Ohio student

For those who would argue that this broad has no bearing on anything, I say this: Lindy's relationship with Brady Lite could very well determine the outcome of Quinn's quest for NFL prominence. Numerous professional studies have shown that people are more proficient during the day when they return to more stable lives at home. Their successes, and failures, will be shared (Her major is communications, for fuck's sake, and the only two jobs for that major out of college are "football player" and "football player's wife").

So if Quinn can be the benefactor of that kind of lovin', good for him. That is, if their relationship is as solid as advertised. Such a fortified presence in his life can only enhance his spirit, provided his list of excuses for being sighted near highway rest stops is ample.

But if that relationship is so damn great, why feel the need to advertise it at all? Will corporate endorsement reps or hotel groupies be setting their rosters any differently based on arm candy that looks more like the Tuesday warmup act at Columbus Gold? Does the league stand to gain by promoting its new Caucasian quarterback as some sort of anti-Leinart? And does this leave Lindy to be an unlikely centerpiece in pro football's return to traditional values? Or the NFL's first fag hag?

Still, at the end of the day, how do you say no to this guy:

Just to reiterate, and to keep Drew from having a stroke, these tips are actual feedback from solicitations for comment that I put out earlier this week, and I suppose, prima facie, that they would be about as credible as what Jimmy told you about what Brad said that Heather said that Karen said that Danny said in front of your locker before third period. They were not made up for laughs, and we're just passing them along.