Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I Called This Press Conference To Let You Know That I Dislike Press Conferences


I’m glad you’re all here today. Sorry I’m a bit late. I know y’all have a job to do, so my apologies about that. Anyway, I wanted to call this press conference to let all of you know that I dislike press conferences. Hate ‘em. Can’t stand ‘em. Wouldn’t be caught dead at one.

You see, I’m just a simple country guy. If I had my druthers, I’d be back in Kiln, sittin’ on top of my lawn tractor, mowin’ the grass. But I felt obligated to be here today, to let you know that I really resent havin’ to be here. I don’t want all this attention. It’s not me. This really ain’t my thing.

Man, look at all your fancy cameras! Back in Kiln, we don’t even have cameras! Don’t need ‘em. We’ve got Tookie the mud painter to preserve our memories. And that’s all we need. I’m not a real technophile. Sure, I own a flat screen TV, iPod, laptop, and Harmon Kardon surround system. But I don’t use any of it. I just like to bring friends around and point at it and mock it for being so materialistic. We don’t need any of it. I play a washboard for my friends and they like it just fine.

I’m a down home feller, guys. I just want to be with my family. In fact, they’re callin’ my Blackberry right now. But I can’t answer it, because I have to be here with you.

I just want to go out there and play football. I’m not in this for the money, or the attention, even though I signed endorsement deals with Motorola, Nike, and Ted’s Auto Body. That’s not what Brett Favre is all about. I’m just a hard-workin’ boy who hopes to retire one day to a life of farmin’, fishin’, huntin’, and hostin’ NFL Live 6 days a week. That’s all I ever wanted. Don’t you see that you people are robbin’ me of precious time with me and my family? Jesus.

Peter, you understand better than anyone. I’m not some spoiled diva, am I?

Buttboy: Hell no.

Of course not. Even when I bitched to the team to bring on Randy Moss, hell I wasn’t doin’ that out of selfishness. I did it because I think it would be some darn good fun to have Randy Moss on our team. The sullenness. The lackadaisical attitude. I wanted him to be around here because we could play some old-fashioned ball together. I certainly didn’t want him here to help bring more media attention to my falling team as I try desperately to remain in the limelight as my skills quickly rot away into nothingness. That wasn’t my intention. And I resent having to mention that idea to you and then refute it. It ain’t right.

I’m not some total media whore who puts up a Bobby Bowden-like country bumpkin front for reporters in exchange for favorable coverage. I’m not some selfish prick who pretends to be a team player but really just can’t stand to live one second without the attention. I don’t wish I was Peyton Manning and secretly hope to catch him, skin him, and then wear his skin as a disguise while I try and play five more years. I’m not a whiny, hypocritical douchebag who thinks he’s better than everyone because he fancies himself so fucking down-to-earth. I’m not a fucking asshole - a big, gaping, flaming red asshole who deserves to get brained by a roided-up, tire-iron wielding Shawne Merriman and then thrown into a wheat thrasher and brutally murdered for being such a tiresome sack of shit. I’m not like that at all. Which is why we should meet regularly every week from now on, so I can reinforce that point.

I’ll be honest here, I’m not sure how much longer I can take this. Maybe I should retire. Maybe. Probably not. But possibly. I'd say there's a 30% chance, but a 50% chance I could increase that first percentage. But maybe a 15% chance I could lower it. I'm not sure. Maybe. Possibly. I'd have to talk to my family about it. Then I'd have to think about it. Then I'd have to have a conference call to hash out my feelings. Maybe a conference call. Possibly a town hall forum. Not sure.

Let’s hold a press conference next week and I’ll inform you of my decision. I won’t like it, but you Northern fuckers have forced my hand. Guess I’m missing Breleigh’s birthday.

50 comments:

Otto Man said...

In fact, they’re callin’ my Blackberry right now. But I can’t answer it, because I have to be here with you.

Well, that, and the fact that it's an actual blackberry.

David said...

I’ll be honest here, I’m not sure how much longer I can take this. Maybe I should retire. Maybe.


As a Bears fan, I love this annual ritual. Will he spend the summer thinking he might not come back for another year of (un)begging for affection and throwing into triple coverage?

It's like the swallows returning to Capestrano, except that it makes winning the NFC North that much easier.

larry burns said...

wait brett farve thought about retiring the wwl let me down i had no idea.

lieutenant winslow said...

Brett's so cute when his vicoden scrip runs out and he pops off about wanting to be traded and the Bus Cooke gets him a refill and all is right with the world again

BeaverFever said...

more brett favre press conferences !

wrecking_ball said...

Pity about that Moss thing, Brett. Would've been fun to try and guess which of you was more high at kickoff.

Wormfather said...

I always hated that prick, more than manning even. Nothing's ever his fault, he's like the fucking brittnay spears of the NFL.

Slash said...

This is almost as good as the Off-Season Adventures of Michael Vick. Almost. Oklahoma (where I'm from; go ahead, make your jokes) and Texas (where I now reside; make all the jokes you want about them, I'll join in) are both full of people like this:

"I’m not a whiny, hypocritical douchebag who thinks he’s better than everyone because he fancies himself so fucking down-to-earth."

Heartland, my ass. Believe me, the "red" states here in the middle have just as many gigantic assholes as any other part of the country, only they're also self-righteous, always yapping about Jesus and family values. I imagine Favre is very popular with these people, yet another reason not to like him.

Matt said...

Some Vikings fan is a little bitter.

But even as a Packers fan, Brett can go to hell. Even if it means us joining you at 3-13 next year.

BDD, look at the bright side here...



Matt Millen doesn't run our teams.

*points and laughs at the city of Detroit*

The Last Unitard said...

I think the next press conference should be about how he hates receiving a blumpkin from PK.

liquid_d said...

@ Wormfather
"brittney spears of the NFL"
Freakin' priceless and oh so true.

Otto Man said...

I bet Josch thinks Brett Farve is a hypocritical elitist.

The Brooklyn Boy said...

Hilarious. Can the next one feature Roid Roger saying he's doing it for the love of the game and to bring a championship to New York for the fans without acknowledging the prorated $28 mil for four months of work?

Oh wait ...

Vanilla said...

@Wormfather: he's like the fucking brittnay spears of the NFL
But with better hair.

BeaverFever said...

i'm a little disappointed there wasn't one tabacco chewing reference during the press conference.

Wormfather said...

Dickcicle (dik-sik-il): 1. A tasty desert enjoyed by ladies and gay unicorns alike. 2. A device that can be used to ride on to get to Exitacy, Orgasmonappolis or Cummsilvania. 3. Brett Farve.

throwbot said...

I think we can all agree that Favre did "There's Something About Mary" for the love of the filmmaking craft.

Smello said...

I'd still do him. But I'd insist that PK let go of Brett's cock first.

BeaverFever said...

isn't PK surgically attached to favre's dick ?

Awful Chief said...

Matt Millen doesn't run our teams.

*points and laughs at the city of Detroit*


Remember when the Lions last beat Favre in Lambeau? Me neither, because it still hasn't fucking happened.

* points to head with gun *

Bloof said...

If Brett were black, he would be widely regarded as sulking prima donna with attitude problems like Moss and TO.

It's gonna stay that way until the GayBay front office grows some balls and releases him. Then the media circus can become a traveling one.

MicroscopicElvis said...

You don't see the Sex Cannon pulling this crap. That's why the Bears win and the Packers pine for the halcyon days when the Packers were winning titles and Favre was popping vike and chasing tail around Beansnappers Strip Club in Bumblefuck, WI

Andrew said...

Man, I love everyone who hates on Favre because of all the times he ABSOLUTELY TORCHED YOU AND YOUR SHITTY TEAM.

larry burns said...

wait bloof what are you implying? and i beleive that king mentioned his being attached in his cofferdness of the week a year or two back.

I quote.

" so i got a latte and i was drinking it and then brett started to yell because it was burning his penis, i guess you just had to be there."

larry burns said...

hey andrew farve has never torched my team, im not a packers fan.

TheNaturalMevs said...

One of the finest posts I've ever seen on this or any blog. Good work.

Landru said...

Matt: I think we'd all be spiritually and comedically poorer if that gaping fuckwit Matt Millen left the Lions, don't you?

Matt said...

Absolutely.

I appreciate the 2 wins he gives every NFC North team each year.

ColeTrain said...

Drew, just because Jesus is too busy rollerskating with Favre to answer your prayers doesn't mean you have to be snippy.

Wormfather said...

@MicroscopicElvis

Titles? Singular man, Title.

@Andrew

You hypocritical elitiest! Let me rephrase that. Um, are you talking about when my Jets torched you in the medowlands to close out the 2002 Season 42-17?

Noooo, you must be talking about the complete ass smacking we gave you guys on 12/03/06 38-10.

Or maybe you're talking about how Mr. Mexico and the Falcons came up to Limpbo and whooped the packers 27-7 when nobody had ever beaten that team when the temp was under 32 degrees blah, blah, blah.

Your ass better be happy I cant find any of the Dickcicle's quotes from after those games

In otherwords the Dicksicle's sucktitude didnt start yesterday asswad.

TexasHoney said...

HILARIOUS.

I've been wanting Brett to retire for a while.

Der... been hit in the head too many times...I'll throw it to him! interception

Wormfather said...

BTW Guys, totally aside. I finally saw Apacolypto last night and I can say that the frequentors of this website will find the movie, well, delicious.

denvergodfather said...

@ Andrew
Like in the Super Bowl Vs. the Broncos?

denvergodfather said...

@ wormfather
Apocolypto kicks much ass.

5150 said...

As a Bears fan,

BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*breathe*

BWAAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Otto Man said...

Guess I’m missing Breleigh’s birthday.

Nice job of sticking the landing there, BDD. Farve's tendency to go with the same children's names as Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel is all the evidence we need here.

Andrew said...

Bears fans can always take solace in the eight wins they've taken from Favre...out of 30 contests.

Andrew said...

@ Wormfather

Elitist? Yeah dude, Wisconsin is totally for elitists. After we graduate from Exeter, of course.

I have to hand you the beatdown at the hands of the NYJ...Favre is 0-3 against them.

My consolation prize, I guess, are the decades of disappointment you've garnered by following the Jets.

devang said...

Oh hey, here's my gap toothed buddy for whom I laid down like a sick whore so he could get a sack record. How's life these days?

What's that, your wife divorced you and took $15 million of your money an sold all your shit? But hey buddy, git yer chin up, you still have the single season sack record going for you, which is nice. Now if you'd listen to me and married a down home country Kiln girl, you'd have none of these womenfolk problem.

C'mere, lemme me give you big ol' fashioned country hug, and some vicodin. That'll help you with the pain. Always did fer me.

larry burns said...

hey andrew whats his record agains teh colts: come on do it. make the walls bleed.

rar288 said...

Is it possible that the SEX CANNON is the best starting QB in the NFC North?

Vikings - Tarvaris Jackson
Packers - Oldy McShitmypants
Lions - Jon Kitna (what a great christiant)

I would actually take the Sex Cannon right now over those 3.... amazing.

swing4 said...

Great post.

Tracer Bullet said...

I'm sure Farve wants to be back in Kiln; school will be out soon and those 4th graders are looking sexier than ever. Mark Chumura is on his way.

Brent said...

Honestly, the man's won 3 MVP's, quarterbacked one of the best team's of the 90's, been to two Superbowl's,won one of them, hold's numerous records yet, all while spending a career throwing to a bunch of backup JV receivers, He's considered one of the all time greats and a lock for the Hall of Fame. Rex Grossman (I'm assuming that's who all you FIBS are referring to when you say SEX CANNON, which clearly isn't a reference to his 10 year old girl arm)single handedly cost the Bears the Superbowl this year on a team with one of the best defenses in recent memory. 10 years from now Fido's going to be at best a backup for the Raiders, if he's even in the league. I'd take Brett at 50 over Rover any day of the week.

Drew said...

This might be the most boring thing i've read on your blog. ever.

Bloof said...

Just don't say everyone's a cunt.

Jackin'4Beats said...

I woulda double bagged it.

ben said...

Favre: *stumbling, with fist full of oxycodone* "You get my father down here! If I'm drunker than he is, you can fire me right now!"


Too soon?

Wormfather said...

@Ben +1

Nice use of the flash foward.

Slash said...

RE "Nice use of the flash foward."

I second that...

I don't know shit about quarterbacks, but if KSK doesn't like somebody, that's good enough for me. From now on, all my football knowledge (it's up to about 45 seconds' worth now) comes from this site.

You are mighty...