Wednesday, May 30, 2007

KSK Off Topic: I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller

Ladies and gentlemen I've got a big announcement for you. Today is my birthday (please hold your applause until a time at which I can hear you).



I'd eat the candle wax out of her ass

Normally I'm quite low-key on this holiest of days. To me there's really nothing worse than a birthday party, unless it's a surprise. What kind of sick vindictive bitch could invent such a treacherous form of birthday sabotage? Hey everything's going your way, now we'll just throw you in a room with a group of people that you never really liked that much to begin with. Fuck that. Instead I choose to focus on the spiritual nature of the birthday--the wishes.

The wishing.

Every year the true believers are rewarded with a special birthday wish to use as they see fit. It's your day and you can wish for anything you want (says so in the Bible) be it the death of Cosmo Kramer or the company of a buxom model.

This year I thought I'd share the experience with you, the glorious reader. Help me choose the ultimate birthday wish. I've included my finalists for your perusal.


I wish Sarah Shahi would share that cake with a Jewy sports blogger

I wish Roger Goodell and Gene Upshaw would just fuck and get it over with

I wish Chris Berman had aphonia

I wish Al Davis was alive

I wish Roger Clemens wasn't

I wish Allison Stokke was looking at me on the internet

I wish Schrutebag's ex-wife was more like Jean Strahan

I wish John Clayton would tear out Sean Salisbury's heart with his bare hands

I wish Mike Vick was haunted by dead pit bulls


I wish Abe Pollin would bake me a cake with a naked Susan O'Malley inside

I wish Brenda Haywood had man-hands to go with the rest of her mannish physique

I wish Caron Butler would come to my house for my birthday

I wish I could procreate with Gilbert Arenas

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away

I wish Dan Snyder wore a top hat

I wish Keyshawn took Tony's job (then Tony could get back to his real job and Key could tell us if whether or not a given player is in fact an Uncle Tom)

I wish Big Daddy Drew answered my fan mail

I wish I had a stalker

I wish Clinton Portis would come to his first press conference covered with fake blood and dog fur

I wish I could see through my eyelids

I wish the season would just fuckin' start already


So let me know what you think in the comment section and feel free to offer up further suggestions.

73 comments:

Christmas Ape said...

Unsilent wishes for 18 more blogs to be affiliated with.

devang said...

I wish that Falco was alive.

box cutter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rob I said...

Happy 13th birthday! Looking forward to your bar mitzvah. Hope you have many Gilbert ice sculptures.

devang said...

Oh, and happy birthday UM. What will you be getting drunk on this morning?

larry burns said...

I wish leoshi would talk to mebecause shes really fine.

how bout I wish farve would just retire
that peter king burns his hands on coffe and never writes again.

BeaverFever said...

i wish i didn't have to look up what aphonia is and that the bills find a way to make the play-offs this season.


Aphonia is the medical term for the inability to speak.

Happy Fun Miles said...

I wish there were more Skee-Lo references in this blog.

I wish UM weren't from DC, then I could enjoy his writing more.

I wish UM a happy birthday.

Redhead said...

I wish the Yankees didn't suck so bad.

And I wish I was there to buy you a drink - Happy Birthday UM.

devang said...

I wish Michael Vick was on the field in cat pelt facing an angry pack of pit bulls chasing him instead of linemen.

How's that for a sport, bitch?

box cutter said...

happy birthday, UM!

Big Daddy Drew said...

I wish I was a neutron bomb. For once I could go off.

Wormfather said...

UM wishes his dickcicle wouldnt keep melting at the worst times...

"Don't worry honey it happens to a lot of guys"

"What do you mean a lot of guys, how many guys do you have to fuck in order to have this happen a few times, you slut"

:Whop: :Bam: :Doing!!!:

Rae Carruth's Trunk said...

I wish Dan Synder would just into a industrial dryer with Magic Johnson and a fist full of razor blades.

Chris said...

I wish I could party with Pacman, and avoid the law like Chris Henry.

Wormfather said...

BTW, i was just joking, Happy Birthday!

lieutenant winslow said...

i wish that UM's long awaited negroplasty operation goes smoothly

Shan said...

I wish the wings didnt lose

i wish the tigers fallowed through last year

and i wish the lions didnt make me want to kill myself

save the steagles said...

I don't know if its possible to come up with a better wish than seeing through one's eyelids. Good luck with that one.

And is that dog from Pittsburgh?

Jackin'4Beats said...

i wish that UM's long awaited negroplasty operation goes smoothly.

Now that's funny.

Happy birthday UM - glad to see you finally made it to legal drinking age!!!

I wish that Southeast Jerome showed up at your house to take you the Nexus Gold Club so that you coud get yer freak on.

Chopper Dave said...

I R WISHING KSK USES MOAR LOLCATZ/LOLDAWGZ!

k thx bai

brad said...

"I wish Roger Goodell and Gene Upshaw would just fuck and get it over with"

Replace Goodell with Clemens and Gene Upshaw with Andy Pettite.

Shan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Grimey said...

Have you thought about possibly... a fur jacket? Maybe a flying car? Or who knows... a planet full of unicorns?

Awful Chief said...

Some fine wishes, sir. Others to consider:
-to have Sarah Shahi demand that you smoke the weed bikini she happens to be wearing off of her, bud by delicious bud
-to have a private luxury bathroom at work
-for Lupica to have been the one to get that hip replacement
-to get your rug back

Wormfather said...

@grimy...I've got to go watch that again now.

liquid_d said...

The season fucking starting, followed by the banning of soccer. Keep on wishin UM, keep on wishin.

Jordi said...

I wish this wish was a spliff (or a fifth) so I can get all fucked up.

Peter McSheisty said...

I wish that I could hold you now
I wish that I could touch you now
I wish that I could talk to you
Be with you somehow
I know you're in a better place
And you know I can see your face
I know you're smiling down on me
Saying everything's okay
And if I never leave this thug life
I'll see you again someday
I wish, I wish, I wish
I wish, I wish, I wish

oh, and lots of fire bud for me and UM on his birthday

The Last Unitard said...

May you be blessed with a bountiful harvest of matzah balls, titties, and bong rips.

Unsilent Majority said...

May you be blessed with a bountiful harvest of matzah balls, titties, and bong rips.

that might be the perfect birthday

Brother Joshua said...

Wish that all the talk about Jason Campbell being about to have a Pro Bowl year comes true.

the butler said...

Awful Chief w/ the win...

the weed bikini one.

Burnsy said...

I wish I had a soul.

Julia said...

Happy birthday UM!!

Otto Man said...

Wait, I thought Josch got punted by MMP yesterday.

Did someone wish him back? Someone who misses Clint?

rdg said...

I wish the Sex Cannon weren't bi.

http://img.waffleimages.com/390b2761f34368bf1b8d3b5a1d6dad9ad6f46283/390b2761f34368bf1b8d3b5a1d6dad9ad6f46283.jpg

Monday Morning Punter said...

Fixed.

Jackin'4Beats said...

MMP is officially the protector of all that is safe and holy. I shall knight thee, Sir Punter, ruler of Planet Unicorn.

Otto Man said...

MMP, I rarely use the word hero. But you, sir, are the greatest hero in American history.

SportsGirl365 said...

Greatest Hero in American History? That's a pretty sexy title.

mmmm beefy said...

I wish i didn't have to check the towel for poop now after i shower.

Damn you Gay Mafia

BeaverFever said...

how is attacking people by calling them a bunch of cunts joking ?

Otto Man said...

Wow, the whole elitist hypocrisy thing is real.

How exactly have people here been hypocritical? Do you even know what that word means, or did it just sound so cool coming out of Rush Limbaugh's mouth?

Monday Morning Punter said...

Let the crying elsewhere begin!

Burnsy said...

Hold on, William Katt is the only Greatest American Hero.

"Believe it or not, George isn't at home. So leave a mess-age at the beep."

Wormfather said...

I'm sooooo confused someone was punted, MMP now has a fur coat and a flying car and is a hero.

If only I was one of those new york times cross-dressing, er puzzle doing fellows.

BeaverFever said...

"How exactly have people here been hypocritical? Do you even know what that word means, or did it just sound so cool coming out of Rush Limbaugh's mouth?"

i think otto just admitted that rush limbaugh is cool (just kidding).

Otto Man said...

i think otto just admitted that rush limbaugh is cool (just kidding).

My TV tells me that anyone who makes that much cash and is that addicted to illegal drugs is automatically cool. And his sense of style? Amazing.

And then I remember this is Limpdick we're talking about.

Burnsy said...

Otto, did you read his radio transcript about his run-in with Bill Clinton?

Otto Man said...

No, where can I see that?

Burnsy said...

Priceless self pomp...

http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/home/letters/Rush_Meets_Former_President_Bill_Clinton.guest.html

Bulger in My Pants said...

I'll be your stalker if you want.

I'd have to do it from the 'burbs though, because I only go into DC for million something marches and when I'm being arraigned. Oh, and for male prostitutes, but that's only on special occasions.

Otto Man said...

That's some priceless egomania there, Burnsy.

I like how he implies at the end that the former president and mayor of L.A. chose the same restaurant as him because they were groupies. Yeesh.

brad said...

I wish seasons of "The Shield" were longer than 10 episodes.

Smello said...

I wish "summer hours" meant not actually ever having to go to work.

Happy Birthday, UM.

Chet Lemon said...

I iz in Mike Vick’s bakyard, ruinin hiz career.

Otto Man said...

I wish seasons of "The Shield" were longer than 10 episodes.

I'll second that emotion. Luckily, they cram in more per episode than any other drama except "The Wire."

Landru said...

Susan O'Malley? Dood, she was the chick in the car with Jerry Buss. More like 23 cubed.

Kurt said...

I wish the new season of The Wire was coming out this summer instead of January '08.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Please tell me everyone has seen that Bang Cartoons video making fun of Vick, Williams, Pacman, Far-v-re, and Henry.

I'm usually one of the last to see anything funny on the internet, so I don't need to post it - as ya'll are more than likely better interneters than me.

Chris said...

Your right Otto, I can't wait for the new season Rescue Me to start either. Just have to be patient.

Signal to Noise said...

I wish for a federal law that eliminates such things as last call or bars closing.

I also wish UM a happy birthday.

clock cleaner said...

I wish Slippy would quit getting into trouble every time I go into battle.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Happy b-day, UM! Are you gonna get 50 Cent or Peyton to come to your bar mitzvah?

MoonshineMike said...

I wish UM could take a boat ride on my friend's boat, while enjoying some of the local smoke and some fine moonshine.

Unsilent Majority said...

you know i'm scared of that boat.

50 and Peyton will both be at the party, but they'll be fighting to the death. I'm rooting for the rare double knockout.

thanks to the well-wishers. the rest of you can piss off.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Piss off? What are you now Jewish, black, AND British?

Happy bday Grumpy.

JAMMQ said...

Happy Birthday, UM!

Stop being gay and jocking D.C. athletes and wishing you could conceive their chidren.

Oh wait, this is the KSK Gay Mafia . . . carry on.

TheNaturalMevs said...

I wish Roger Goodell and Gene Upshaw would just fuck and get it over with

Very nice.

Happy bday, your Jewness

swing4 said...

I wish for a weaker-than-usual Redskins defense. Oh, and a heart.

Happy Birthday, UM. I hope all your wishes come true.

becky said...

I wish I weren't studying for the bar.
I also wish for a sense of humor that isn't busted...
busted like your mom's hymen!
no wait...like your mom's FACE.
umm...see?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, UM!!!

Fenway said...

I wish it weren't going to be 92 fucking degrees in DC today and it's still only May.

Happy Birthday!