KSK PSA: Piss Your Own Excellence for a Week, Why Don'cha?
We're coming up on our first anniversary here at KSK and I gotta tell you, it's been a great ride, what with all the antagonizing sportswriters, antagonizing readers, antagonizing commenters, spurning loved ones, race-baiting, hippie bashing, NASCAR debasing (why, patron saint, why?), soft porn purveying, gay unicorn planet watching, and, lately, the posting of lots and lots of improbable fictionalized dialogues between NFL figures.
It's enough to wear a guy (or six) out. It doesn't help that there's not a whole lot going on in the world of the NFL until training camps open, so we're taking a week to recharge our batteries and buy new bath towels.
It'll be as hard on us as it is on you, believe you me. As we were discussing this, Unsilent said he had a few timely posts to put up, Punter wanted to do another installment of his adventures of Fitty, I wanted to speculate on just how little game Plaxico Burress has to strike out in a bar full of Jersey girls, then Drew cried, then Caveman cried, then I cried and then flubby sneezed. Oh God bless him, he's such a little soldier.
So, until sun-up Monday, May 28, you're on your own for slipshodly written, warmed-over satire of things loosely related to the NFL. Oh wait, that's Memorial Day. Make it Tuesday, fucktasters.
109 comments:
wait you guys are off for a week, the sky is falling, up is down left is right black is white. garcia is straight grossman is gay.
Wait...
Nothing? For a whole WEEK?
I'm saying I'd be upset over losing you guys for a week, but then again, the way you six are, I'm surprised it hasn't happened already. Couldn't you get some guest posters (not the Ladies) lined up? Christ...cheap lazy bastards.
Is it April Fool's Day again?
wait, what am i supposed to sneak read in the library at my school.
HOW will i survive my finals week,
wait maybe i'll spend this time studying instead.
ok, i guess i'll allow this.
but not happily.
This better not be because Drew is saving all the good material for 'Blog Show'.
A 10 minute segment on a locally broadcast news magazine ain't got shit on the best football site on the internets.
Even if you get to pull Mottram's strings.
Thanks for a year's worth of sex cannon-y goodness, fellas.
Whadda we like to rumph?
*'s!
Man o' Man....a week off....damn, now I'll have to work most of the day - My productivity will spike - what will my boss say? He already thinks I'm good at what I do - now expectations will increase. I better cut off my thumb with the paper slicer and curb any thoughts of being even more productive. Hell's Bells, can't you run the 'Best Of' columns and have some low life intern post?
Don't forget to send us a post card.
You pussies. You can't even throw us a Commenter Draft? How hard is it to do rock-paper-scissors to see who posts the animal foootage?
Bah...
Slackers.
Fuck it, we'll make our own Posts.
Mock Draft. BEST BEVERAGES, YOU KNOW THE RULES.
1st pick COSMO w/a ruphies dropped in it...not for me, but ya know for the ladies.
Christ...the commenters are not taking this well. Every shub for himself.
I walked in my office this morning and my boss kicked me in the nuts, fired me and raped my pregnant girlfriend. I didn't think the day could get worse.
But...there was a football player arrested over the weekend. How will I know how to appropriately mock him without the Gay Mafia?
xtine: Mike Cooper has some suggestions on how to occupy yourself at the library.
Dick jokes, PK jokes,Rumphin, girls impregnated by Rextasy (and others) - numbers are going to hit all-time lows this week.
I bet this is just an excuse to go visit the grave of that dead KSK guy. Whats his name? Oh yeah, Falco.
I fully intend to draft something on Friday morning. Whether it's 'Sports and Their Complimentary Alcohols (ie golf and schnapps)' or actual people into my growing militia, there's gonna be a draft.
Awww man! Now I'm going to have to actually work while I'm at the office.
Slackers. You do realize that this is going to create actual work for me now.
I came in on a national holiday (up here in Canada it's a holiday, eh) and I get this. Ah well, back to rubbing one out while I'm the only one in the office, eh.
The last sentence of PK's most recent abomination:
"n. Next week, I'll be skipping my first Monday column since last July. Off to Italy for a recharging family trip. I'll be filing the Tuesday column tomorrow as usual, then skipping Monday and Tuesday next week. I'll be back in this space on June 4."
That's it! Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn is a...
It's like the end of the Usual Suspects. Only Drew is Kevin Spacey, and instead of being Kaiser Soze, he's sipping on orange mocha frappacinos while 'servicing' Bill Belichick.
If CC is seen wearing a red sox jersey, or simmons mentions something about being on sabbaticle in Tuscany, alert the authorities.
In related news, my company's productivity just went up 200%.
Holy shit! Big Daddy Drew is really Peter King, Captain Caveman is really Bill Simmons . . . what's next . . . Flubby is Lupica, Unsilent is Wilbon, MMP is really TMQ, Ape is really Brady Quinn's "friend" . . . this really isn't going well. Fuck.
I will be forced to kill animals and video tape it myself.
Bastards.
Enjoy your week off, and wonder if that crap in your front yard is from a Great Dane, or from me.
cbyzg
Damn you Gay Mafia. The Arseblog would never take a week off.
Oh snap, the Arseblog gauntlet has been dropped.
Chris Henry. High.
Here is your KILL KILL KILL segment for the week.
Little Buffalo Calf vs. Lions vs. Crocodile
Thierry Henry. Useless.
And chuck Fealski. Back to the NFL and dick jokes. And killing.
Miller arrested. Henry facing jail. Portis saying stupid things. Clearly NFL players were just waiting for the KSK vacation in order to really cut loose.
Wait, you're telling me it's excellence that I've been pissing? Pfft. Tell that to my so-called doctor and this stupid penicillin prescription.
I must be really excellent, because it's white hot.
You know, I'm not going to miss KSK at all this week. I think I'll get the Simpsons seasons 1-9 on DVD and understand the inspiration behind KSK's musings. That will be combined with me calling in sick from work on Tuesday so I can watch the Champions League and the theatrics of AC Milan.
Devang, you'll never call in sick alone.
+1 Chief
But take look at Steven Gerrard's Bride to Be . wow
So bored. I've searched the rest of the internet to no avail...
day too long...cant go on any longer...
your posting on deadspin so you are there i know you are. Come on just 1 post a day, each fo you gets 1 (aware that this does not work but you know). i don't even care if it is crap.
@ devang
Oh, to be King of the Scousers for a day...and even better, for a night.
I propose, that for every day we do not get a new post, we publish a blatantly false rumor about each member of the Gay Mafia. That includes Falco.
This plan is foolproof, except that none of us have blogs that are read by anyone other than our grandparents.
I have now worked 90% of my day versus spending 90% of my day on KSK. Someone please talk me off the ledge.
analrapist:
I propose, that for every day we do not get a new post, we publish a blatantly false rumor about each member of the Gay Mafia. That includes Falco.
This plan is foolproof, except that none of us have blogs that are read by anyone other than our grandparents.
Feel free to use mine. No one ever reads it as my grandparents are dead.
Smell you later.
Smell you later, forever!
Maybe you could get that commenter, Markos, from With Leather to run the site for a week.
(http://www.withleather.com/post.phtml?pk=2926)
That guy's a laugh-a-minute.
Feel free to be be an asshole on my little space of the intertubes. It ain't about sports, but it is about what we'll all have to do this week (work) now that the KSK crew is opening their new site Jezebel...
/sorry guys
perhaps for everyday they do not post clint gets a guest post?
Wow, they're really not gonna post anything, are they?
I guess we could talk about the NBA playoffs...
/ducks
Captin's Log, Stardate - Day 2 without KSK Post:
This morning my boss thanked me for preparing audit papers ahead of schedule. I gave a half smile as this was the unintended consequence of KSK's abandonment.
I fear that if they dont return soon that this may lead to a promotion wich would consequently lead to even less time to read KSK upon their return. Outlook bleek.
As we struggle to get motivated as well as entertained this morning, I thought this would kick start our day. I've always said, nothing like a good body count to get the juices flowing.
Note - semi safe for work.
http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2007/05/john_rambo_freaking.html
Rambo separates people from their heads. With his fists. Roid rage?
How can the Clinton Portis comments go unmocked? Where is Unsilent Majority now, when yet another D.C. athlete that D.C. fans fawn over has stuck an RFK sized foot in his mouth? Where is the next installment of the off-season adventures of Michael Vick by BDD? God, this sucks.
Captin's Log, Stardate - Day 2 without KSK Post
Nicely done.
And this really sucks - what am I supposed to do for entertainment for an entire week? You friggin guys need a guest blogger this week or hand over the keys to devang or otto man or someone - ANYONE so we can waste time at work the way it was meant to be wasted.
Oh god, now I've got to get my sports fix from Peter King, Dr. Z and Simmons. Someone put a bullet in the back of my head now.
Since we're making retroactive picks to the draft from a few weeks back...
I take Priyanka Chopra with my 12th selection.
Take that devang and miamidiesel. BWAHAHAHA.
Hey, Larry- did you post the celebrity draft breakdown?
Question is, who would be a good guest blogger? I nominate the deadtern.
CC, I can still see you on with leather. Write something here, dammit!!
If you guys are still looking for something to do, you can check out my MySpace page. Granted, it is still in its infancy.
http://www.myspace.com/mmpunter
@jason:
about that, its taking me longer than i thought (i have exams for hs coming up) but i promise by friday it will be there sorry for the delay.
Instead of insightful, brilliant, and cleverly written KSK posts we are directed to Myspace. Oh, the horror.
No problem, Larry- it's not like you're paid for your efforts. Although, given the absence of KSK posts, now would have been the opportune time...
"Hello? Mrs. Pummelhorse? I'd like to get down now!"
Glad to see MMP striking while the iron's hot on that MySpace thing.
Your MySpace link is wrong, MMP. In fact, it looks like the url that Ryan created for Creed on "The Office."
I guess this reveals MMP's secret identity. Swing low, sweet chariots.
Legends in your own right; and legends need time off.
uhm i know this is a football blog but:
suck on that billy boy.
@jackin'4beats: if that's how you want it, then I'm adding to my Sarah Shahi pick up by selecting the luscious K.D. Aubert, who played Donna in Friday After Next and Giselle in - guuuhh - Soul Plane. Not the best actress, but a damn fine piece of ass regardless. Do not start what you can't finish my friend.
Also, I checked out MMP's myspace page, a pretty useless exercise, except for the fact that it led me to Lady Andrea's myspace page. Turns out that Lady Andrea is pretty fine in her own right (which I previously didn't know), and seeing as how she's in law school, has the beauty to go with the brains. Also, it appears that Lady Andrea has some pretty damn fine friends. So Lady Andrea, I plan to be in the Midwest sometime this summer, and all I'm saying is... Lemme know.
Time for Falco to start picking up the slack.
Here is your daily KIL KILL KILL video....
http://news.sky.com/skynews/video/videoplayer/0,,31200-1266788,.html
I had to find my kill kill kill video by going to get my car worked on at the Acura dealer this afternoon... and what is on? The fucking great white destroying that fucking seal.
Brings a tear to my eye every time.
Now why can't someone like Chad Pennington or Tony Romo own a gigantic aquatic pool and have underground illegal caged matches of Orcas vs. Sharks vs. Seals going on for betting? And get caught doing it? On film?
I'd pay money to see that fight.
Captin's Log, Stardate - Day 3 without KSK Post:
Came in to work like always, opened email, then my auditing system then internet explorer, went to KSK, still nothing. I fear that one more day of this will lead to the premature opening of the bottle of BLENDED scotch in my desk drawer.
I must admit it's strange not having to alt tab when my boss comes around. I've even noticed some of the news letters sent out by HR.
Outlook sober.
Wormfather, i feel the pain. Ever morning i drag my hungover ass to work, hoping this horrible nightmare has come to an end. Faithfully I hit my favorites button on he monitor, praying for some cheerleader poontang or a draft...only to find nothing. this has NOT helped my drinking
Isn't blended scotch for pussies? Where's my Maker's Mark?
Isn't blended scotch for pussies? Where's my Maker's Mark?
It's for people who don't know any better. And if that makes me sound like a snob, I don't care. I take my single malts pretty seriously.
C'mon Redhead, back me up.
I'm just trying to get a fight started. Maybe coax someone into posting. Maybe take my pants off at Sea World.
I keep coming back to read the next entry in the Captain's Log. Doesn't sound good...I see some scotch drinking in your future.
@miamidiesel
Great pick, K.D. Aubert is hot, but why stop there. With KSK on hiatus, I'm sure we can entertain ourselves with fresh pics of ethnic Woo-Tang for the rest of the week. To that end, I choose Suman Ranganathan and raise you a Shakara Ledard.
Take that one pal.
Fro some reason, that 1st pic didn't appear, so here's another one...
Suman Ranganathan
WV: arfukcl
But really, aren’t we all just waiting until “Lost” starts tonight? I know I am.
http://screeningjock.blogspot.com/
yeaaaaa.........
No, sorry.
@bsanders37
Well yeah, kind of, there's something on TV every night or a bar to go to, or a stripper to rape, gut and throw into your trunk then drive to the beach only to realize that you fogot to get something to weigh her down with so then you remember that your uncle owns a butcher's shop so you call him and ask him if you can swing by because you really would like some nice steaks and you promise to leave a $50 on the counter this time just so he gives you the keys then you go to the butchershop drag her in the back and start to hack and saw at her then you realize that you still dont know what you're going to do with the body so you start sobbing then you decide to donate this nice "meat" to the homeless shelter so you package it up and bring it only to be told that they dont accept parishables so then you just decide to bring it to the dog shelter, but instead fall asleep in the parking lot and wake up pissed because you're going to be late to work so you end up just thowing all the "meat" in the dumpster and feeling sad because someone somewhere is hungry.
But my point is what I do tonight has no effect on getting me through 8 hours stuck behind a fucking desk, there's only but so many smoke breaks I can take.
But then again, i did pack an extra meat sandwich for lunch today.
/sob
@ Wormfather
Sweet jesus. Sweet baby jesus.
This is why I come here, because of people like you sir.
Where am I?
TURF TOE
I agree with everything, Worm, except it looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
Please . . . mock . . . Simmons
this isn't going well... now i know how a crack addict feels going through withdrawal... i am absolutely dying to know what rextasy and mike vick have been up to this week, and the silence from KSK is deafening... if any of you guys are in nyc and want to setup a support group (by which i mean getting epicly hammered until you no longer remember your name) to get us through the rest of the week, let me know
@jackin'4beats: the suman ranganathan pick shows some real depth of knowledge on your part. i am truly impressed. in response, i'm taking Gabriella Richens, and i'll raise you a Bipasha Basu, Koena Mitra, Diana Hayden, Neha Dhupia, Celina Jaitley, Riya Sen, and Malaika Arora. Plenty of spank material there, so be sure to have some lotion ready. I feel like we need to open this up to some other races -- anybody want to jump in with their East Asian or Native American picks? We could use some more colors of the rainbow here...
Does anyone else think that this is some type of sick plot to build up anticipation, and the legend of KSK by going on hiatus while at the height of KSK's popularity?
Kind of like HBO did with "The Sopranos."
And goddamn is it working. Fuckers are gonna be more resilient than Major League Baseball coming back from the '94 strike.
Without the steroids.
does this mean that you bastards are running out of ideas for the commentor mock drafts?
At least it's Fleet Week. If I can't be entertained by smart men online, at least I can be entertained by hot men in uniform wandering around NYC.
Actually I'm not too upset. I've been over at Clint's blog. You guys should join me.
In these bleak times of abandonment I vote that we pull together and entertain ourselves by posting our own KSK style articles. I may not be able to piss excellence but I’ll tinkle mediocrity all over this comments section like Moises Alou.
The Keyshawn Retires
Keyshawn: What are my options?
Agent: Well, the thing is Key...
K: Don’t you tell me I have no options! I go across the middle, I see a dude coming at me trying to kill me, I tell myself get killed catch the ball! Booyah! I make miracles happen!
A: Well, the Vikings have...
K: What did I tell you about how I look in purple?
A: You said you looked like a throttled penis?
K: Damn skippy! Plus I can’t even name their QB. Who else is calling?
A: Uhh. Well the Raiders said...
K: Oakland?!? Man even Jerry looked bad there and he ain’t that much worse than I am! Who else?
A: Well Jeff Fisher called...
K: That freaky little chess genius I learned about through Netflix? What? Does he need someone on the same intellectual plain to practice with?
A: Uhh, no Key. JEFF Fisher. Of the Titans
K: The Titans? That ain’t no major TV market. The only highlights you see outta’ there is of that dummy QB, Steve Young. The peeps gots ta see the Key!
A: You mean Vince.
K: Why would I care if the people see Vince? Who else is interested?
A: The Packers called...
K: Nope. Too cold and I don’t like to have to tackle that often. Who else?
A: I think that’s it Key, except for... well... ESPN.
K: ESPN? Yeah, I could do that. I got cut because of my own magnanimous analysis of my replacement so I know I’m good at it, plus the peeps would see the Key e’ey day, all day in HD! That’s freakin’ genius! More genius than that Norman Einstein dude that ol’ snap-leg likes to talk about. I’m going to ESPN baby!
Picture
All those seamen have herpes.
+1 Vanilla
And your new American Idol is . . . Unsilent Majority
@miamidiesel
Kudos for placing all that spanktackulous ass on the site. That's what I'm talking about, now I'll go visit all those sites now...where's my towel? KSK is still killing me with this hiatus.
@wormfather
You are one sick bastard...WOW...LOL.
At least Ufford is still posting like 10 times a day. Guess I'll head there next.
Captin's Log, Stardate - Day 4 Without KSK Post:
Things are getting worse. I've volunteered to do the invitations for the engagment party. My boss thinks I'm pissing excelence, the way he said it almost made me snap, thinking he was mocking me. I killed an hour actually discussing in detail who I thought the american idol should have been, unfortunatly Antoinella Barbera was kicked off months ago.
To make matters worse, the police knocked on my door at 5AM with a warrent, they were all concerned about some dead stripper and wanted to take some funny light and look in my trunk. Go figure.
Crap, gotta go, my uncle is on the phone and he sound pissed.
Outlook, think I will need to be sedated.
So that Matt Mosley guy is hilarious...
So...
Brady Quinn hasn't done anything gay lately...or anything gay that has been reported...
Well then...
Guess I'll get back to work.
Jackin4beats said:
And this really sucks - what am I supposed to do for entertainment for an entire week? You friggin guys need a guest blogger this week or hand over the keys to devang or otto man or someone - ANYONE so we can waste time at work the way it was meant to be wasted.
Oh god, now I've got to get my sports fix from Peter King, Dr. Z and Simmons. Someone put a bullet in the back of my head now.
So, like, as in fix you mean stay on the page all day and make 5-10 comments. When in Rome I guess.
*sigh*
Now I know how much I depend on the internet to entertain me while I travel around the country. My mornings have been horribly un-humorous this week.
I actually have to make my own jokes to keep myself entertained, and if anyone has ever read anything I've written... I'm not that funny.
Damnit, I gotta go teach now.
..I'm gonna go watcht he season finalie of Lost...on the internet at work...
Thumb - Alt
Middle Finger - Tab
Looks like we're ready to go.
As an aside. I think we need to vote on a draft for tomorrow.
for all who care my anaylsis will be up by 12;00 midnight, i just have to hope that my latin teacher doesn;t ralize im using my comp during class.
I just can't believe the KSK guys left us in the midst of NFL Extreme Dogfight 2007. I don't know what to think about Clinton Portis and Mike Vick fighting dogs unless Christmas Ape and the boys tell me first.
wormfather, what are the nominees for tomorrows mock draft ?
We could draft punishments for the KSK writers for just ditching us like this.
I mean this is getting bad. I'd settle for the Ladies... posting something at this point.
Lets see, here are the nominies for tomorrows commentor draft.
1. Hybrid Animals: You get to pick two to become one ultimate animal.
2. Movies. Just a straight draft of movies.
3. Booze. 'nuff said
4. Characters from movies or tv shows that you would want to bail your ass out if you were about to get gang raped ala "Pulp Fiction".
5. Cartoon character's you'd like to doink.
There we go guys, lets put it to a vote.
i think the cartoon characters thing was done not too long ago.
booze is always good.
booze is always good.
until it makes you do something where you say what the fuck was I thinking?
On that note, i suggest we have a draft of worst drinks concocted by mankind.
I'll start - Liquid Heroin (shot of Jager, Rumple & 151)
i say we go with punishments for the ksk guys, that is clearly the spirit of the week.
If you love making fun of Massholes the ladies have a post for you. This was freaking genius, the KSK guys couldn't have done any better.
http://ladiesdotdotdot.wordpress.com/2007/05/24/how-to-make-love-to-a-______-fan-the-boston-red-sox/#comments
OK, I've got it.
THIS WEEKS COMMENTOR DRAFT...
Movie sceans where someone gets fucked up/killed or just straight up fucked over that you'd like to replace the guy getting to good with a member of the Gay Maffia.
Are we in aggreement?
There is no way in hell the ladies should ever be allowed to post here ever again . . . ever.
Monday better be a bukkake day.
@jammq: hate to break it to you, but i don't think they're coming back until tuesday since monday is memorial day -- but i agree, tuesday better be a bukkake day
Your obligatory pieces of ass for the day are Tiffany Mulheron, Denise Van Outen, and Michelle Marsh (i also liked this wallpaper of her's). when these trying times are over, don't say the miamidiesel didn't pull his weight in helping everyone through the darkest days...
KSK go on vacation the very same week Hashmarks starts up.
Coincidence?
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