Thursday, May 10, 2007

Kill, kill, kill: Mike Vick's turtle

This is probably the least lethal video that will get shown in our kill, kill, kill series. Nonetheless, the very same ferocious instinct driving this turtle to attack these cats, compelled the mighty T.Rex to be a killing machine. If this turtle had some dagger-like teeth or sharp claws, there would be two less cats in this world. As it stands, it can only lash out in impotent fury. Like ESPN's ombudsman.

Terrapin vs. housecat. Christmas Ape's loyalties must be deeply divided on this one.


Speaking of foul-tempered reptiles, even though Al Davis can't win anymore, he is still one vengeful old bastard. Adam Rank at the FanHouse says Davis waited as long as possible to fire personnel executive Mike Lombardi, in order to keep him from hooking up with another team this season. Leaky Lombardi should brush up on his Italian, starting with "omertà."

I shit you not: this Arcade Fire song sounds like Eddie & the Cruisers.

Last item: Oral Sex Increases Throat Cancer Risk Scientists Say Just want to let our valued readers know this story is out there. Personally, I think the doctors behind this report are all vile little cretins who are trying to fill our heads with damnable lies. They should be dragged into the streets and flogged mercilessly.

In the meantime, you might want to rehearse a phony refutation in case someone tries to cite this study at a particularly inopportune time. "Whoa baby, that report was roundly rejected by a blue-ribbon, double-blind, uh twelve-year study at the University of Medicine Tech State. Yeah, it was, uh, even on Oprah."

44 comments:

Jez said...

Wow! I heard that Arcade Fire song the other day and that's the first thought that came to my head; "Hey, this sounds like an updated Eddie and the Cruisers tune!" Eddie lives!

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Turtles are vicious little bastards if you fuck with 'em enough. When I was a little kid, a friend of mine almost got his finger chewed off by a turtle.

BeaverFever said...

that turtle is crazy or on crack.

i'm also guessing there were no gay scientists involved with that throat cancer/oral sex study.

vaffanculo is another italian term lombardi might want to brush up on as he walks out the door.

gymclassheroes said...

Refute said article w/this one:
http://2fatnlazy2care.blogspot.com/search/label/scientists

Problem solved...

BeaverFever said...

after listening to that song i was waiting for the mandolin playing singer to bust out with , "on the side....". can't say i will be putting any arcade fire on my ipod anytime soon.

Otto Man said...

Nice to see Flubby stepping up to deliver the Norm-McDonald-does-Larry-King schtick.

"Red wine is a terrific wine, but so is white wine! .... Does anyone really care if Pakistan has the bomb? .... Actress Melanie Griffith: One class act! .... Now that the world population has reached 6 billion, gang, something tells me it's only gonna get bigger. .... Nothing is as consistently funny on the tube as the TV show "Becker". .... The more I read about Albert Einstein, the more I realize this guy was a true genius."

TurleyGirlie said...

I wish I could train my dog to go after cats like that.

I hate cats.

SlickBomb said...

RE: Terp-- That is one bad ass Ninja Turtle. I wonder if a Pellican can go and swallow the fucker whole!

RE: BJ's-- Brady Quinn's a dead man.

LadyAndrea said...

That video made me giggle for 2 solid minutes.

Have you ever fought a turtle? They're fucking relentless.

/Hedberg

Big Daddy Drew said...

Whither John Cafferty and his Beaver Brown Band?

Chris said...

Otto - One of my favorites.

TurleyGirlie - Talk to Micheal Vick, I believe he is trying to get rid of a few well trained dogs/killing machines.

BeaverFever said...

just re-read my earlier post. i meant "on the dark side...".

JC and TBBB were/are the pride of narragansett, ri. let's not forget their other soundtrack hit from the 80's "hearts on fire" from rocky 4

mmmm beefy said...

Remember kids BJ's don't count

Burnsy said...

My thoughts and prayers are with Mike Piazza and his family during his battle with throat cancer.

Burnsy said...

Anybody else read the article and start giggling uncontrollably at "multipartner-jigjig throat cancer"?

Landru said...

As a Terp and a cat person, I gotta say: that cat is a total pussy.

Awful Chief said...

I could sure go for some good old fashioned plain-vanilla rogering to help get me out of the mid-afternoon doldrums.

Otto Man said...

Anybody else read the article and start giggling uncontrollably at "multipartner-jigjig throat cancer"?

No giggling, but it did make me think of Quagmire from Family Guy. Giggity-giggity!

Redhead said...

Totally agree with landru - my cat would have killed that turtle the second it moved her out of her sunspot. Then this video would have been like every other kill, kill, kill video.

jackhandey said...

With the first pick in the 2008 NFL Draft the Detroit Lions select...
that turtle.

Millen: "Tremendous upside, we'll probably play him at receiver."

LadyAndrea said...

totally landru. My cat Fred would've eaten that turtle.

Rob I said...

Jesus, the turtle scared the fur right off that cat.

Spectacular Sam said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spectacular Sam said...

Was that a re-creation of De la Hoya-Mayweather?

David said...

If you guys want to see pictures of a cat that actually kills things, visit www.whatjeffkilled.com.

disclaimer: it's not for the faint of heart/stomach

albaNY Hawker said...

We all know what's going through that turtle's mind.

Once you get a little taste of pussy, you become singularly focused on getting as much as you can!

BeaverFever said...

albany hawker. upstate NY, represent !

devang said...

JC and TBBB were/are the pride of narragansett

Isn't that a filthy tasting beer like Boh's?

Otto Man said...

We all know what's going through that turtle's mind.

Once you get a little taste of pussy, you become singularly focused on getting as much as you can!


In that case, it must be a box turtle.

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

BeaverFever said...

i wouldn't call it filthy tasting. they stopped brewing narragansett beer for a long time , but recently started brewing it again. never heard of Boh's , but Piel's is one nasty ass beer.

mikeski said...

C-I-L-L...

that cat.

Awful Chief said...

We all know what's going through that turtle's mind.

Once you get a little taste of pussy, you become singularly focused on getting as much as you can!

In that case, it must be a box turtle.


That turtle's going to get throat cancer if it's not careful

LadyAndrea said...

Did anyone click on David's link up there? I'm afraid to.

Billy said...

It's pretty much the anatomy lesson of small animals that you'd expect to find......

VicariousLee said...

How do you guys know the Arcade Fire song is ripped from "On the Dark Side" when that song is itself sonically indistinguishable from Bruce Springsteen's "She's the One"?

Barney said...

That turtle video would have also benefited from some Beastie Boys SABOTAGE.

So While You Sit Back and Wonder Why
I Got This Fucking Thorn In My Side
Oh My, It's A Mirage
I'm Tellin' Y'all It's Sabotage

- b b b Barney

Ohyea, PA.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I kept rooting for the turtle to take a bite out of that cat!

Everyone deserves to get a lil tang every now and then...

JAMMQ said...

That turtle is the balls!

Does this study cut both wise?

Like, are there a million girls out there scared that noone is going to go down on them anymore either?

Wesley said...

jammq- yes, the study cuts both ways. Oral sex does not cause throat cancer, but HPV (a virus) can, and can be sexually transmitted. And apparently through oral sex, too. The "oral sex linked to throat cancer" headlines are very misleading.

rar288 said...

Wow...the feline population better watch out because that turtle isn't fucking around.

That turtle is as deadly to pussies as the Sex Cannon...damn...

Wormfather said...

Wonder what we will be drafting today? I hope its fast food.

...I'm hungry

Jackin'4Beats said...

Jeff the cat is a mean bastard. I think his killing spree would come to an end if he met that Terminator Turtle.

Deltron3030 said...

RE: Arcade Fire, The Boss, and Eddie and the Crusiers.

I blogged my thoughts on the new album when it initially came out.

Check it out!

On the Darkside

j.l.o.theoriginal said...

kill vick