Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Your Lackluster NFL Roundup

A couple of League-related tidbits while we wait for Drew's next Michael Vick adventure to drop this afternoon:

  • Matt Millen is not enamored with that "Internet thing, whatever those things are." It is unclear whether he was referring to blogs, email, or the Amazon page that features his new book, How to Suck at Your High-Profile Job for Six Years without Getting Fired.
  • Marcus Vick got the axe from the Dolphins. So, uh, best not go to the McDonald's anytime soon. In the long run, it's for the best. Someone needs to run the family business of illegal animal fights.
  • Keyshawn Johnson got released from the Panthers, who drafted USC's Dwayne Jarrett, a similar receiver to Keyshawn except he's a decade younger and never called Wayne Chrebet gay for being better than him. Still, Keyshawn proved an excellent addition to ESPN's NFL crew, filling in ably in the role of "boisterous black former wide receiver" without resorting to Michael Irvin's bad habits of wearing the ill-advised quintuple-Windsor knot or snorting blow between takes.
  • It came to light that Tom Brady restructured his contract to allow the Patriots to trade for Randy Moss. Of course. Tom Brady selfless blah blah blah oh for fuck's sake start the season already.

16 comments:

Skin Patrol said...

Unless Tom Brady is taking a paycut, there isn't anything selfless about restructuring. Pure restructures, where salary is converted to guaranteed money, is always in the players' best interests. First, the team cuts that player a check up front meaning they get it a year earlier than they would have (and thus can make in rain on strippers in the present before inflation devalues those dollars -- or else they can invest, in strip clubs). Second, the player now has guaranteed money protecting salary at the end of their contract. While I don't see Tom Brady getting cut anytime soon, it's never a bad thing to increase the amount of overall dead cap hit a team will suffer if they cut you, and that's exactly what a restructure does.

If Tom Brady was taking a paycut, they wouldn't say "Tom Brady restructured". I cannot imagine in the history of the NFL any player that was asked to restructure by their team has ever refused to do so for any reason.

Smello said...

Keyshawn was all proud of himself for being right about the fact that Carolina was going to pick Jarrett. He was looking forward to taking Jarrett under his wing. Now...probably not so much.

BeaverFever said...

you have to wonder if keyshawn was just putting on a fake smile after jarrett was drafted, while inside his head he was saying "i'm fucked, good-bye carolina."

Otto Man said...

Is that a picture of potpourri? Or is it a Thanksgiving dinner made by perennial fuckup Matt Millen? Hard to tell.

Robocats said...

Wow he doesn't even know what it is does he? It's sort of like letting Lennie from Of Mice and Men run your football team. Probably drafted Mike Williams because he looked cuddly. He's not evil, he just doesn't know his own incompetence.

devang said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
devang said...

Listening to some sports talk radio on my way back from work, I heard this brilliant insight from a caller. Why don't the Jets pick up Keyshawn Johnson and let him end his career in New York? Click, change the channel. Then I started thinking, you know it might not be a bad idea, seeing as the Jets have a pretty thin receiving corps and Mangina doesn't look like he would take bullshit from a preening self-promter. But then I heard Cher's voice, "snap out of it", and I did. Keyshawn won't have a skinny white wide receiver to call gay, so that will frustrate him even more. He COULD insult the noodle armed Chad Pennington and call him gay, sissy, whatever. That would be Eagles take 2, 100 miles up the NJ turnpike. Would be nice to enjoy for a while, especially in the New YOrk media. It would all end one day by Keyshawn climbing into the stands (a la Artest) screaming to that fucking annoying fireman dude "shut the fuck up asshole, this town isn't big enough for both of us" and beating the ever living shit out of him.

The Jets would then implode and I could go back to bitching about Eli Manning and General Coughlin.

Otto Man said...

It's sort of like letting Lennie from Of Mice and Men run your football team.

You know, substitute "flashy wide receiver" for "fluffy bunny rabbit," and it's pretty much a perfect fit. I guess Mariucci would've been George.

nation_of_islam_sportsblog said...

Brady restructures. Moss takes a pay cut. I've never seen such wonderful, team oriented actions.

It's beautiful to witness.

Thanks, Tom. Thanks, Randy.

I have a renewed faith in the wholesome nature of man.

MDT said...

Shit, I didn't know Marcus was eligible for parole already.

QueeferSuthrland said...

The Jets would then implode and I could go back to bitching about Eli Manning and Fuhrer Coughlin.

Fixed.

Weed Against Speed said...

devang: You hear Cher in your head? That's terrifying.

Otto Man said...

devang: You hear Cher in your head? That's terrifying.

That was my reaction, too. I decided to pretend it never happened.

peytonloveskenny said...

Doesn't it look like Brady and Moss belong together?

SlickBomb said...

Marcus,

Enjoy your time in Canada.

Love,


Roger.

J.L. White said...

Maybe that's why Matt Millen is ignorant of the overwhelming shitiness of his own compitence. He doesn't use those Internet things. I think I'm going to write a hand-written letter, using squid ink and paper personally milled by the Amish, and mail it to him using the Pony Express.

In about 4 months, he'll finally learn the horrible truth.