Thursday, May 10, 2007

Shaun Alexander Begins to Doubt the Power of Prayer

[Shaun Alexander, as he does a minimum of 18 hours a day, sits on bended knee to address Yahweh, his second best lead blocker to Mack Strong]

God, I'd been praying and praying for you to heal this foot of mine. And, Lord, you brought succor to my wounds. For that, I am eternally grateful. You've let me continue to live this incredibly privileged life so long as I commit myself to your sacred service.

May I then offer one quibble, God? I came back to play 10 games - yeah - the better part of last season, sure. But 896 yards? Less than four yards a carry? Is mine a benevolent God? We're talking career worst stats here. I'm finding my faith rocked. Doubts are starting to creep in. Big, quitting-at-the-end-of-the-season doubts.

I touted the restorative powers of prayer, did I not? Didn't I donate that really big fucking cross to that baptist church in Alabama. You remember? That one Alabama baptist church? You told me there were those to smote and they have been smoten!

Why hast thou forsaken me in favor of the one who is called Frank Gore? He of the land of the Sodomites. No, not Dallas. The other one, the one with the bay. What is his record of good works? I've carried out your earthly missions, averaging clearly more than four blessings per mission carried out. Clearly, the same should apply to my football carries.

But now, I'm left with no sign that my efforts are appreciated. And thou has provided no linemen to replace Steve Hutchinson. Fuck you, Yahweh, I do it myself!

[Alexander rises to his feet, immediately feels a sharp pang in his left foot]

Ah, haystacks.

33 comments:

David said...

Up yer butt, Yahweh.

Unsilent Majority said...

beautiful.

lawdy, lawydy, lawdy is my new favorite tag

Monday Morning Punter said...

You tryin' to tell me Jesus Christ can't pull down an offensive lineman in the free agent market?

MemphisRaines said...

Wait, so you're saying in 10 years Shaun will be selling Allstate insurance?

Monday Morning Punter said...

No, in ten years, he'll be President of Jack Bau- um, the United States.

MemphisRaines said...

My bad MMP. And I can see Hasselback as the Eddie Harris of the Seahawks - bet he's got Vagisil in his helmet every game.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Great Major League reference. I wonder if Shaun attempted to sacrifice some KFC to make his left foot heal faster?

The only thing that would have made this better is if he was praying around a group of Union Soldiers like in Glory.

"Oh my LAWD, lawd, lawd lawd, um hmmm...um hmmm..."

Rob I said...

I hereby vow to use 'succor' in my everyday conversation.

"Honey, I'm tired, gimme some succor"

Burnsy said...

In 10 years he'll be handing out brochures about the power of Christ at the Everett bus station. Not the new fancy one. The old one where homeless people take dumps on the sidewalk.

SlickBomb said...

In 10 years he'll be giving Chick-Tracts to AIDS patinets at hospice facilities.

You also forgot to mention that going to "Tha U" probably disqualifies Gore from any holy blessings. Right?

David said...

Thought I was done with the Major League references, but nope: It is very bad to take Yahweh's run. Very bad.

Otto Man said...

In 10 years he'll be giving Chick-Tracts to AIDS patinets at hospice facilities.

But which one? There are so many to choose from. I'm putting my money on That Crazy Guy.

SlickBomb said...

Thank you, Otto. That brightened up my morning!

Chris said...

You think he would have prayed to God to fix his teeth as well.

Billy said...

Nothing like some solid blasphemy to start your day. :)

Jackin'4Beats said...

OK, that Chick Tract was depressing. Nothing like some good old fashioned fear to prevent people from having sex. The only thing missing was the burning in eternal hellfire line from the "doctor."

Otto Man said...

Glad to make a difference, folks.

Be sure to head to www.chick.com and collect all 415 or so of his masterpiece tracts. Don't miss out on "Allah Had No Son," "Are Roman Catholics Christians?", "The Witchcraft Side of Masonry," and "The Decider: The George W. Bush Story."

Apparently, Jack Chick hates the NFL. He has tracts about baseball and soccer, but no football. Maybe he's just waiting for Shaun's story to play itself out as inspiration. "Holmgren, the False Idol" has a nice ring to it.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

What does his twin brother Ronde think about this?

Grimey said...

Hey bartender! Yahweh needs a refill!

Burnsy said...

Otto, I think he's waiting for something bad to happen to Brady so he can weigh in on praying to false idols. Or he's possibly awaiting the same fate for Manning so he can pen "Peyton: The True Whore of Babylon."

Casual T said...

Geez! After reading that tract, I'm scared to even look at a girl now! I especially liked the part about "your school doesn't care about your or your soul". He was referring to "The U"...definitely.

Rextasy needs to hire that lady to spray every chair he sits in for public safety.

Otto Man said...

Nice suggestion, Burnsy. But since Peyton's under the watchful eye of Tony Dungy, Jack Chick would probably steer clear.

I bet he's got a big one coming out about the Vikings or Bengals, though. "The Dilemma of the Double Dildo" or "Satan's Slammer" would work well.

Burnsy said...

With that logic, I'm a little upset that Jack didn't jump all over the Minny sex boat as "The Trip Down the River Styx."

Otto Man said...

Actually, I'm hoping Chick titles it "The Man Inside the Boat" without getting the unintended reference.

devang said...

Yahweh looks a little like a slimmed down Kirby Puckett

What? Too soon?

Smello said...

Oh, Otto Man. You are brilliant. I think in interwebs speech, what I mean is +1 or some such.

Big Daddy Drew said...

"A titanic triumph!"?

A Hindenburgian success!

Awful Chief said...

That Chick fellow sure is against homosexuality! this was pretty special

Otto Man said...

I have to imagine growing up with the last name "chick" gave him some weird takes on masculinity.

I do like how in his world all of teh gays have evil demons poking out of their chests. I guess Jack Chick sees the world like he has the special Rowdy Roddy Piper sunglasses from "They Live."

SMP said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SMP said...

Slickbomb and Otto Man, I don't know if I should order your ascension to heaven for making me laugh my ass off, or condemn you to the fiery pits of hell for making me realize (1) that Chick exists, and (2) that people must actually buy/read that shit. Hmmm, W.W.Chick.D . . . to hell with you (literally).

Brilliant work though.

Otto Man said...

Yeah, Jack Chick is a bittersweet experience.

To steal a line from Bill Hicks, it's like a sore tooth I can't stop touching.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Thanks to this entry, "smoten" is now my new favorite word.