Monday, May 7, 2007

ESPN: Pipeline to Soap Opera Stardom

Last week ESPN's primary source of breaking news--Mike and Mike In the Morning--informed us that their buddy Mark Schlereth has a new gig. The Big Stinky will be moonlighting as Detective Rock Hoover (a name of his own creation) on Guiding Light, a show older than Philo T. Farnsworth himself.

Stink is set to become the second ESPN television "personality" to crossover into the world of retarded housewives the beautiful people after Stephen A. Smith agreed to a cameo on General Hospital. Now we all know what prompted Smith to make an ass of himself...

...but why would Schlereth stoop to such lows? I can still remember when he was known for being one hardcore motherfucking lineman and know it's come to this?

Top Ten Reasons Mark Schlereth Wants to Be a Soap Star

10. ESPN's health plan cut him off at the knees

9. Mike Shanahan is attached to direct

8. He'd rather die than be upstaged by his daughter

That's Alexandria on the far right left, definitely the left. And yes, this whole post is just an excuse to show you pictures of another pundit's daughter

7. He's bi-curious and Salisbury is too much of a closet case to experiment with him

6. He was looking for a more professional work environment

5. He's tired of ESPN dumbing him down for their audience

4. Some people still respected him

3. He thought Guiding Light was the "Man Law" thing

2. Always dreamed of playing a guy named Rock Hoover--all the gayness of Rock Hudson with the added suck-factor of vacuum cleaner


OK, that post was thrown together with a bit of haste. Here's another picture of Alexandria Schlereth.


Burnsy said...

I'll bet she's had more Broncos in her than Mile High Stadium.

Casual T said...

I'm glad that the diagram for #1 had "brain" labeled. I was wondering what that small intestine-looking thing was...

Chris said...

So why did Stephen guest on General Hospital?

BeaverFever said...

where is this guy's pride ? everyone knows that "days of our lives" is the coolest soap opera on t.v.

Otto Man said...

I think he's just hoping to chop block Susan Lucci.

Burnsy said...

Days? Please, how 1989 of you. Everyone knows Passions is the shiznit.

Hmmm, WV is ymaleip. Moises Alou is apparently moonlighting in internet watchdogging.

Vanilla said...

Slow day today, huh?

Burnsy said...

Like Mo Clarett slow.

Smello said...

So, ummm, in the group picture, the one who is second from the left - she's somebody's mother right? Because, seriously, she looks like she's 50 next to those other girls. And, that dress is just tragic.

SlickBomb said...

Great job, UM. Burnsy, go sip your MarTimmy's somewhere else.

Also-- yes, hell yes, hell yes, hell yes, and yes.

Burnsy said...

Thanks, I had to Google MarTimmy. No booze. So sad.

Wormfather said...

@ Burnsy

...and one Worm, well assuming her presence in my immagination counts.

mmmm beefy said...

who is will to bet that stink isn't the father of that fine piece of ass

My Insignificant Life said...

So Mark Schlereth took too many hits playing football and spent too much time in General Hospital. Realizing that he truly has only One Life To Live, he wanted to live life with Passion and wear a Falcon Crest proudly on his chest.

Of course, he did not leave much of a football Dynasty, better if he would have played for Dallas. He said "I took the role so I can take care of All My Children." And that "I'll be remembered for Generations."

Football like soaps, are like living in Another World and the people involved in both are Bold and Beautiful.

Of course, he also said, "I take life like watching the sands through the hour-glass of times, because so goes the Days of Our Lives. And "I hope that living in Another World will be worth it."

Awful Chief said...

I was so engrossed in the surprisingly untrashy photos of little miss stink that I overlooked that hideous dress on the cougar until reading your comment. A tragedy indeed. A Floridian tragedy.

Jackin'4Beats said...

@ my insignificant life

WOW, just WOW.

devang said...

@My Insignificant Life


Awful Chief said...

@ my insignificant life
What a tour de farce! Very well done .

Signal to Noise said...

@my insignificant life:

(golf claps)

Unsilent Majority said...

@my insignificant life:

/backs away slowly

Otto Man said...

I haven't seen an audience turn on someone like this since the Muppet Show.

WALDORF: That was wonderful!
WALDORF: I loved that!
STATLER: Ah, that was great!
WALDORF: Yeah, it was pretty good.
STATLER: Well, it wasn’t bad…
WALDORF: There were parts of it that weren’t very good, though.
STATLER: It could’ve been a lot better.
WALDORF: I didn’t really like it.
STATLER: It was pretty terrible.
WALDORF: It was bad.
STATLER: It was awful!
STATLER & WALDORF: Terrible! Take ‘em away! Bah, BOO!!!

big skinny said...

Totally off the topic, but what's the deal with man-love Manny?

Jackin'4Beats said...

@ big skinny

That's why he's got one of the best nicknames in baseball:


Still not as queer as Simmons and Quinn though.