Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear

In a world where reality is a constant state of upheaval and turmoil, we present KSK's latest attempt to separate fact from fiction….

Rumor: OJ Simpson was refused service at a Louisville restaurant on Derby Eve.

Fact: The owner had never actually heard of OJ Simpson, it was just a VERY authentic 1950's style Kentucky diner.

Speaking of the Derby, if my first-hand observations are to be trusted, the Big Ten fans continued their domination of the infield, with Michigan and Ohio State partisans exchanging first verbal jousts and later their own waste. The MAC and SEC also put in strong showings. This year's upstart: a surprisingly large group of pixie-like Wofford coeds who had made the trek up from Spartansburg, SC. Terriers, y'all!!!

Rumor: Osi Umenyiora will jump off the George Washington Bridge if he doesn't have one of the best seasons ever for a defensive end.

Fact: Unless he is being facetious, it sounds like Umenyiora is trying to win support by making an outlandish statement that no one really believes, kind of like when Paris Hilton says she's never, ever, ever going to do it again.



Rumor: Donovan McNabb (aka "Jasper Beardsley") was shocked when the Eagles spent their first round pick on a QB.

Fact: Really? Donovan is surprised that after blowing out his knee and Jeff Garcia flying the nest, that the Eagles would seek some insurance at the most crucial position in the sport? Donovan was reportedly also shocked last week when May unexpectedly followed April.

In McNabb's defense, surprising things have been afoot all over lately. For instance, did you know there is a basketball team called the Golden State"Warriors"? Apparently they play very entertaining basketball games while I am sleeping. (As you can see, I am in the midst of my annual tawdry eight-week fling with the NBA. Right now my favorite player is the Nets' Bostjan Nachbar. Because "Nachbar" looks a lot like "nacho bar". Mmmmmm, nacho bar.)

Rumor: Keyshawn Johnson to the Oakland Raiders?

Fact: Who knows? It would have been great to be in the Carolina war room when the Panther brass watched Keyshawn interview Dwayne Jarrett. Do you think they were merely exchanging knowing looks and smirks or were they justout-and-out holding their side braying with laughter while pounding on the table? I'm hoping the latter.


That's all the enlightenment I have time for right now. But before I go, I saw this over at Mondesi's House. Since KSK's Big Daddy Drew was the one who blew the lid off Brady Groingate, I thought it on only apropos we link it here. This one is for the Steelers fans, particularly Christmas Ape





36 comments:

BeaverFever said...

McNabb also shocked that Christmas will once again be celebrated on December 25th and that fire is still hot.

Chris said...

I wonder if OJ ever found the real killer last weekend? Also should it come as a shock that the SEC showed up big? We always play well in big games.

SlickBomb said...

Google image search of "Browns Helmet"

http://evanperry.org/images/Browns+helmet.jpg

Google Image Search of "No Helmet"

http://www.banditalley.com/funny/roadrash2.jpg

Awful Chief said...

what i wouldn't give to have fifteen minutes alone with that nacho bar...

Vanilla said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Burnsy said...

Why hasn't someone named a horse "Nicole's Real Killer" yet? That would be a fun derby.

Wormfather said...

@Burnsy

I just spat my drink out I lol'd so hard.

12-inch Idongivafuck Sandwich said...

The question is, where can i get a "drink like a champion today" shirt, along with 3 coeds?

Burnsy said...

He got the beard and BO at Miami of Ohio. He probably got the shirt and girls from Akron.

becky said...

mmmmmmm nachos...

also,
mmmmmmm boki...

it's like a double whammy for this snack food AND slovenian loving gal.

devang said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
devang said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Smello said...

Devang - really, that goes beyond NSFW and sits squarely in Nightmare Fuel.

devang said...

Sorry

BeaverFever said...

seriously, i just puked in my mouth a little bit. not cool devang.

devang said...

This should make up for it Mildly NSFW

DrDoom said...

@ burnsy,

If i ever get a horse (which will never happen) i will name it that, in fact if anyone ever gets a horse it needs to be named that.

SMP said...

Followed the links to the New Yorker OJ article, and here is a bizarre OJ quote re: Nicole:

"I loved the way Nicole looked. If I saw her on that sidewalk right now, I'd pull over and hit on her. If she had a different head."

Perhaps that's why he tried to remove it?

Grimey said...

I've always thought "Ghettofabulous" would be an awesome racehorse name.

devang said...

@drdoom,

I think Howard Stern can afford a horse. He hates OJ enough.

egroeg (dr.doom) said...

ok, now how do we tell howard stern?

devang said...

Scratches head.

Never thought of that. Oh well

egroeg (dr.doom) said...

i snet an email to stern at

http://www.howardstern.com/contact.hs

(no i did not take credit)

Slash said...

Seeing them side by side like that really kinda snaps it into focus. I'm not usually into football players, they all seem like a bunch of 'roided-up closet cases (sorry if that offends anyone), and beards usually creep me out too, but Ben's got sumpin' sumpin' going on there. Get rid of the skanky hos and I would not turn that down. Probably. Plus, the names - no contest. "Ben" (bear name) vs. "Brady." An almost unpronounceably cool last name vs. "Quinn." You know the last famous Quinn? That's right, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. I don't think that's a coincidence.

Breck said...

Is that Hilary Clinton hugging on Scooter Roethlisberger's right side? I guess that guy doesn't party as hard as I thought...

David said...

That Brady Quinn picture never ceases to confound and delight me. Every time I see it, I cock my head to the side like a confused dog...

Golden Jew said...

Today during the mets game, it showed Shawn Green and all the newly shaved mets. Keith H i could swear said achtung then chuckled

Ryan Adams said...

The sophmoric attitudes displayed from that picture is very disheartening. What is so "confusing" about it?

Even if Quinn were gay, and I highly doubt that were true, has it made him any less of a QB? He holds how many ND QB records? 30 something?

Society has so much further to go. Yes, the pictures were funny, but that attacking his masculinity or somehow suggesting that this makes him a worse QB - which I think this graphic and a lot of these comments I've been reading do - is absurd.

How are professional athletes ever supposed to come out - when they actually play - when this is the kind of attitude so many neanderthals display?

Jackin'4Beats said...

Wait, is this a political debate over Quinn's possible gayness or a comedic site where we should rightly make fun of a group of men who take pictures of themselves groping each other's man meat.

I really like my friends, but I doubt seriously if any of them would suggest we take a picture like Dr. Quinn and the Medicine women there.

Burnsy said...

@ Soapbox Douchebag

Who the fuck elected you mayor of Key West?

SlickBomb said...

Hey Ryan Adams--

Fuck you.

Signed,


Everyone.

Robocats said...

If Brady Quinn was just dating a dude, I don't think people would make fun of him...well probably in some states, but nevermind... It's that he's allegedly straight, and just a REALLY, REALLY FUCKING WEIRD, preppy moron who enjoys participating in mutual, public sexual harassment like some kind of insecure 9th grader.

throwbot said...

Hey Ryan Adams,

I want my $15 back from rocknroll.

Oh, and play "Summer of '69" douchebag.

luv and kisses,

throwbot

Jez said...

Ryan Adams is riff raff. Anyone who responds to his comments is as gay as Brady Quinn.

Thomas said...

I was just glad the Bears didn't try to draft Quinn. I couldn't handle seeing "Quinn" on the back of jersey after watching the immortal Jonathon Quinn play... no, stumble through.. no, fail miserably at QB for the Bears.

God, he even spells Johnathan like douchbag.

TheNaturalMevs said...

The Browns and Brady Quinn are going to fuck the steelers up on opening day. Mark it down.