Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Killing Daryl Johnston: A Symphony Of Murder In Three Movements

If you woke up in the morning and found a bear in your driveway, you might freak out a bit. Likewise, if you woke up in the morning and found a moose in your driveway, you again might lose your shit. But if you woke up in the morning and found a bear killing and eating a moose in your driveway, well that’s what I call an Animal Snuff Porn holiday. Why, you could even paint your boat with leftover moose fluid.

But whatever you do, don’t call Animal Control. My friend Mr. Bear laughs at your pathetic animal control squad. Animals weren’t meant to be controlled. They were meant to roam free and attack each other at will. It’s what God intended, I say.



You know, I went to college in Maine, and I was constantly warned to be on the lookout for moose. Ooh, they might charge you! They might total your car! Well, you know what? I never saw one goddamn moose in my time up there. And now I see this. I tell you, moose, you’re all talk and no action. Oh, and the moose here is dead now.



And now it’s really dead. Wheeeee!!!!!



Special thanks to AnalRapist for the link. I would expect nothing less from someone who names himself after one of the most horrible acts a man can do.

42 comments:

Otto Man said...

No surprise here. Daryl Johnston never could make it over the middle against the Bears.

Unsilent Majority said...

Number one threat to America: Rosie

Otto Man said...

Fuck, I made the Johnston joke without realizing it was in the post's title.

I am so smart. S-M-R-T!

flubby said...

"Are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over? - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist."

Rob I said...

They have colleges in Maine now?

Good for them.

ygoodmanbrown said...

No, no, it's pronounced a-nal-ra-pist.

BeaverFever said...

rosie o'donnell eats moose knuckle not moose and i'm pretty sure that may have been recorded in my friend's driveway up in new hampshire.

Redhead said...

Bullwinkle!!!

The Pirate Sloth said...

Do we even have any sports teams named Moose or The Mooses? (would plural be Meeses?)

This might be a perfect reason why you should NOT play on a team with a moose for a mascot... oh wait, the Mariner's have one.

My Insignificant Life said...

A moment of silence as Rocky has lost his best friend, Bullwinkle.

Pemulis said...

its not the pronunciation i'm worried about

big skinny said...

Being a UMaine alum makes me appreciate this more than most people would. Did you know, if you are driving and there is a moose in the road you cannot avoid, you're supposed to speed up so it flies over the car instead of crashing through the windshield.

DrDoom said...

"We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!"

(I am not queer)

AnalRapist said...

If I may take off my acting pants for a moment and pull my analrapist stocking over my head.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Nice boat

AdamAnt said...

Still love the trampoline bear most...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ebkqxAeBRHE

devang said...

What's worse, a moose on your TV screen making stupid insipid comments during a football game or one coming through your windshield as you're driving through Maine??

I say push.

SammySenrab said...

So I guess Tank Johnson hid some shiny metal noise makers inside of the moose then?

Ryan said...

BDD - Bowdoin or Colby? I'm guessing you aren't a state school kinda fella.

cinnamon girl said...

Is it just me, or in the second clip did that bear look like he was looking around to find someone to help him drag the moose back to his home.

By third clip, though, he just decides, "Fuck it. I'll eat here."

David said...

I'd consider braving the ridiculous snow, nut-wrenching cold, and having to admit that I'm from New England if I knew I would see things like this in my driveway.

Grimey said...

Part of me is sad that that moose wasn't a shark. Then the mystery could have been solved.

becky said...

something about that is just...poetic.

I'm also glad "Rosie O'Donnell is fat and gross" jokes are still on the table.

Chuckles said...

Becky, I wouldn't want to live in a world where "Rosie O'Donnell is fat and gross" jokes aren't on the table, and I'll thank you to never imply such a thing is possible again.

Vanilla said...

No, no, it's pronounced a-nal-ra-pist.
It wasn't the pronunciation that I was worried about.

Awful Chief said...

Preserve the moose!

My Insignificant Life said...

I want to see who is the bigger animal bad ass...The Bear or The Shark.....

Burnsy said...

In Florida when I usually just walk outside and see a Puerto Rican and a Cuban in a knife fight. I wouldn't mind a change every once in a while.

Awful Chief said...

@ my insignificant life
Home field advantage would probably be too much of a factor in that match-up. They would have to play at a neutral site, like the moon.

BeaverFever said...

rosie is fat and gross jokes will always be on the table.

Julia said...

Damn those godless killing machines.

Chris said...

I believe the moose was trying to start a forest fire. Smokey just saved the day.

David said...

What do we eat? Moose Meat!

How do we eat it? Raw!


I think that might've been the first time I've ever seen a bear eating a large animal... The only things I've ever seen them eat on TV were salmon and trout.

JAMMQ said...

That Bear has the "Oh fuck! How the hell am I supposed to drag this shit back into the woods before Animal Planet gets there cameras down here" look.

Peter McSheisty said...

If i lived in that house I would never walk outside unless I had a sawed off with triple-ought buck slung across my back and a .45 on my hip. Im not getting eaten by no fucking bear.

Barney said...

Slung across your back won't help. In fact that'll be just one more thing to splinter up and impale you with as Mr. Bear jumps up and down on you (see video 2 for example) to make sure you are all crunchy and bendy in all the wrong places before practicing bad autopsy incisions to look for your soft salmony center.

- Barney

Greg Schuler said...

@the pirate sloth:

Yes - the Manitoba Moose of the American Hockey League.

Wormfather said...

@cinnamon girl

I was thinking the same thing. "Who the fuck is he looking for"

A polar bear would have started eating before the thing was even completly dead.

Swede Zombie Jesus said...

Still love the trampoline bear most...

Trampoline Bear is the new mascot for the Chicago Bears.

Now I'm waiting to see Trampoline Sex Cannon

nation_of_islam_sportsblog said...

Looks delcious.

But we have to pass.

Not Halal.

:(

Joe said...

There's a reason I have a bear in my sig. They're the bad asses of the forest. Moose, psssh.

impresario919 said...

I especially like the added effect of the panting provided by the woman holding the camera. It's nice to watch something like that and know you're not the only one pleasuring yourself, ya know?