Friday, May 4, 2007

Are You Telling Me This Guy Doesn't Know How To Please A Woman?


We've made so much fun of Brady Quinn this week. I think the guy deserves a break. Time to go back to one of our favorite whipping boys.

It's easy to discount the spiritual impact of basketball crowds if
you haven't attended a playoff game with special fans before. There's
no way to understand it unless it definitely has happened to you. Then
you know. As strange as this sounds, it's like a woman being unable to
tell whether she's ever had an orgasm. If she thinks it might have
happened, or it felt like it kind of happened one time... it didn't
happen. When it happens, they know. Then they feel stupid for all the
other times when they thought it had happened.


All the other times, eh? How many times are we talking about? Dozen? Couple hundred? To be fair, it is hard to bring a woman to climax when you're busy being overly impressed with yourself. You do actually have to do some work to bring a lady to Pleasuretown. Like Sam Kinison, I do The Alphabet. But I shan't elaborate.

106 comments:

Brother Joshua said...

yeah, uh, i think the orgasm line puts him way way way way way way way over the shark if he wasn't there already.

most horrifying sentence in a simmons column ever.

Burnsy said...

Maybe he was referring to the Dooze.

JAMMQ said...

What the hell is he talking about? Sports? The mystery of life? WTF?

lieutenant winslow said...

Like Sam Kinison, I do The Alphabet. But I shan't elaborate.

is there a knuckle involved in any way?

emily caroline said...

I love Simmons and will read anything he writes, but I almost vomited when I saw this yesterday. First he's an instant expert on college hoops, now he's giving us some wisdom on the female orgasm. His insight knows no bounds.

Chris said...

Sorry I know this off topic and probably extrememly old, but speaking of weird shit have you guys heard this?

devang said...

Maybe he should try the Smoky Tornado with the Sports Gal.

mamacita said...

Nothing says romance like "lemme know."

Redhead said...

Bill Simmons - just the man I've always wanted to discuss the mysteries of the female orgasm with.

David said...

whaddadouche

Jason said...

No, Mr. Simmons, I do not wish to see your 'O' face.

BeaverFever said...

good point Lt. Winslow. working in a digit along with the alphabet technique always works.

as for simmons, that was just weird.

Crazy Little Thing said...

God bless you, Drew, for making light of this. He can't be mocked enough for this.

Otto Man said...

is there a knuckle involved in any way?

No, I use a clockwise swirl.

devang said...

I think the alphabet and the hook works pretty well.

WV - cntmh

Jordan Ginsberg said...

I'm pretty sure that paragraph led to more "I like Simmons, but ..." sentiments than anything else he's written. Ever.

I mean, I like Simmons, but ... Jesus. Reading that gave me the same weird feeling I get from watching "Very Bad Things" in its entirety (albeit without the erection). Simmons writing about sex is like Easterbrook writing about ... well, sex, I guess. Bad juju.

BeaverFever said...

that simmons article was full of way too much sexual frustrattion.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Simmons is like the Luke Skywalker of shitty sports metaphors and Peter King is Darth Vader.

nerditry said...

It's tough to make your wife orgasm when adventurous role playing always involves a fake Larry Bird mustache and a Belichik hoodie.

BigTDog said...

I haven't decided if I like the "Have you tried the Anal Intruder?" or the "Low hanging fruit" tag better.

Phishisgr8 said...

So my buddy J-Bug and I were talking..
"J-Bug, have I brought you to orgasm?"
"You know, TSG..I think you have. Maybe?"

Wormfather said...

...yep these are my balls

BeaverFever said...

i'm guessing that the red sox fans out there can't be too happy with the picture of simmons in a sox jersey.

Burnsy said...

Funny, Otto, I use a counter-clockwise swirl.

Otto Man said...

I prefer clockwise, but it's not written in stone.

As long as you don't use a pinch. This isn't some parlor trick.

LadyAndrea said...

He's actually right, I know girls who are like, "I think I've had an orgasm" and I'm like, "uh, no you didn't."

Also, I'm not crazy about his stuff, but I think Simmons is cute.

Wormfather said...

...also, It'd been like 3 months since I weaned my self off of his junk. Thanks for reminding me how much of an untallented prick he's become.


And Ms. Andrea, Cute, he looks like an ape. As a black dude, if anyone ever tries to call me an ape or a monkey or any shit slinging mammal I'm going to show them that picture...and you think that's cute? Pft.

LadyAndrea said...

Hey dude, I'm entitled to my taste. I'm sure there's some chick you think is cute that I would disagree with.

Redhead said...

ladyandrea: You have friends who are out of college saying that? Seriously?

devang said...

I think Suzy Shuster is cute. What's wrong with that?

Chamomiles Davis said...

I've just read Bill Simmons writing about orgasms. I will now light myself on fire, chew tin foil, jab a fork in my eye, play in traffic and run my testicles across a cheese grater.

Burnsy said...

Cue 20 or so guys asking Andrea where her and her friends live.

Wormfather said...

@ LadyAndrea Not trying to insult you, if you like apes, this is america and you're allowed to do that in some states. I'm just saying, does it have to be THAT ape?

Wormfather said...

...seeing as how x-mas ape is more than available.

devang said...

@wormfather.

Simmons is pretty good at throwing feces and making it stick. Hell of a talented ape.

Otto Man said...

I will now light myself on fire, chew tin foil, jab a fork in my eye, play in traffic and run my testicles across a cheese grater.

Funny, that used to be how Simmons tried to get women to orgasm. No wonder it never worked.

DrDoom said...

now the sports gal can die in peace.

how she achieved her first o with a little help from jbug and the dooze.

LadyAndrea said...

Well, they don't say that now that we've talked about it. But I'm fairly certain there have been no Os for the girls in question.

Ed in Westchester said...

I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

What?

Signal to Noise said...

For some reason, he's the last person I want to know has had sex, especially with that squirrely voice of his, so that paragraph is producing things I need to unsee, quickly.

Funny. I don't usually like to get drunk before going to work. Oh well.

SlickBomb said...

I learned everything I ever needed to know from commedians like Sam Kinnison. RIP.

That being said, the female orgasm doesn't exist.

Redhead said...

ladyandrea: That's actually sadder to me than Bill Simmons using sex analogies in his column. Buy them all vibrators for their birthdays.

LadyAndrea said...

Awwww, Slickbomb. Your poor girlfriend.

I keep trying to get them double-click their own mouses, Redhead.

BeaverFever said...

the comments have taken a somewhat unexpected and enjoyable turn.

a couple of ladies discussing sex toys and self pleasuring activites is never a bad thing.

Otto Man said...

I keep trying to get them double-click their own mouses, Redhead.

Zing! Remember folks -- no children allowed for Lady Andrea's routine. She tends to work a little blue.

thesportshernia said...

He's such an untamed beast.

And he's so crazy with that 'POSADA IS A LITTLE BITCH' shirt showing through his Sox jersey.

What a wildman.

Burnsy said...

Who needs Cinemax when I can just pull up the Bill Simmons orgasm comment thread?

Hustler of Culture said...

The alphabet was Sam's gift to the world. A gift that keeps on giving....

Chris said...

He's poor attempt at growing a beard reminds of the Beavis and Butthead episode where they glued hair on their face to pick up chicks.

Bitch Victim said...

I think Bill's wife's response to him asking her if she had an orgasm is my word verification: YAWEN.....Lady Andrea, better send Mrs. Bill an extra sex toy.

devang said...

God, why are Massholes such Massholes?

I detest them even more now.

the butler said...

I thought the funny part was when he said:

"Then they feel stupid for all the other times when they thought it had happened"

Right. They felt stupid. What, you thought they called you Bill "pinky finger" Simmons because of your spot-on Dr. Evil impression?

LadyAndrea said...

Otto Man, my 7 pm show has me making balloon animals while doing the Charleston, then spinning plates while "Lady of Spain" plays.

My 10 pm show is Adults Only.

Otto Man said...

10pm it is, then.

devang said...

She tends to work blue balls.

fixed

Otto Man said...

Speaking of busting balls, are we going to get the winners for the Brady Quinn Caption Contest?

Chris said...

So is smoking allowed at the 10pm show?

BeaverFever said...

good point otto. i think alot of us are eagerly awaiting the results from the caption contest.

LadyAndrea said...

Chris, smoking is allowed. I'm always smoking *ba dump ching*

Otto Man, I feel like I used up my good one over at Deadspin. It's a damn shame.

"Is this how you take a few strokes off your game?"

Chris said...

Lady Andrea can I make a request for you to wear my old Sid Breem jersey or is that a little too weird?

LadyAndrea said...

Uhhhh, okay.

Chris said...

Never mind I forget the majority of commenter's are from the north. Also I meant Bream.

Laura said...

LadyAndrea and Redhead, they also make shower heads for things like that. Being able to walk into Bed, Bath, and Beyond and buy a sex toy is a beautiful thing.

Burnsy said...

I feel the same way about Home Depot, Laura.

BeaverFever said...

you could also feel the same way about the produce section at your local grocery store.

Burnsy said...

And PetSmart.

assorted charms said...

Oh god...nothing turns me on more than Bill Simmons regurgitating tired misogynistic shit.

Does his shirt say "sad little bitches"?

Laura said...

beaverfever, that's much less hygienic.

burnsy, Home Depot is a sexy place.

chris, we're not all Yankees here.

SarahSpain said...

Let's forget the subject matter of this paragraph for a moment and focus instead on its painfully awkward syntax. The fact that this man makes a living as a writer is embarassing.

Wormfather said...

Becky was supposed to be the opening act, but unfortunatly, she hit the sauce a little early and was drunk around 3PM.

And I'm still stuck at this desk for another 2 hours.

Otto Man said...

chris, we're not all Yankees here.

Seriously. Screaming Sid Bream's fat old ass all the way to home plate is one of my finer Braves memories.

But ever since Leo Mazzone tried to seduce me, well, I try not to think about it too much.

John S. said...

I am going to look onpy at the introductory clause of this statement:

"It's easy to discount the spiritual impact of basketball crowds if you haven't attended a playoff game with special fans before."

Did he really mean to say "spiritual"?

Really?

Hey, you want to talk about an "emotional" impact, that is fine, but, to describe it as "spiritual" simply demonstrates that he has no grasp of the meaning of the word. Even if it is a simile, it is an improper one as the hyperbole serves to detract from the credibiity of his argument rather than enhance it.

In other words.... he is a jerk-off who should not get paid to write for a living.

John S. said...

and by "onpy" I mean "only"

(which is why I have a secretary)

SMP said...

As a native of such a seafaring town, you'd think Simmons would have at least a rudimentary knowledge of the man in the rowboat.

Smello said...

That man is going to have some serious jowels when he gets old.

Danny G said...

What the fuck? When did KSK turn into an unfunny message board? Can we stick to funny comments?

I obviously don't have one.

Chris said...

So clint has been reincarnated as danny g?

Consigliari said...

Genius by SMP.

I just feel bad for the guy. Just remember Bill, your lady's orgasm is kinda like an expensive suit with no price tag. If you have to ask.....

Burnsy said...

I was wondering when Hench or J-Bug would stop by under the handle "Admiral Lovejuice" to tell us all to get lives and stop being jealous of TSG, but I guess Danny was close enough.

And Laura, it's a good thing you didn't go with Lowe's because then you'd be a fag hag.

Chris said...

@Laura, thats good because I was starting to get a bit worried. I am going to go chug a glass of sweet tea now.

BeaverFever said...

sweet tea kicks major ass. can't find that shit anywhere up north. i always have to order unsweetened iced tea and then doctor it up with sweet-n-low. sweet tea is one more reason why this yankee likes the south.

Hustler of Culture said...

Sweat Tea is like crack without the upside. I can't stand the stuff.

Wormfather said...

@Consigliari

Genious, I love it, bravo.

Laura said...

Actually, burnsy, I prefer the local hardware store even over Home Depot, but both make Lowe's look like a chode.

Laura said...

Chris, drink some tea for me! And Go Braves!

beaverfever - we don't put sugar in out cornbread and put it in the tea.

BigRicks said...

When I'm finished I prefer to stare into her eyes, or the back of her neck, and whisper "to be continued."

/Attell

Danny G said...

Chris & Burnsy-

I was referring to the comment section, no problems w/ the posts. Can't stand the side conversations and unrelated banter.

BeaverFever said...

laura, you lost me there for a second. so let me get this straight cornbread = no sugar, tea = sugar.

and bill simmons still sucks.

Laura said...

beaverfever, sorry, my post was poorly written, but you've got it.

I had too much fun with Simmons' running blog during the NCAAs to not appreciate him.

Jeff Hawkins said...

I'm hoping Simmons goes into his airplane food or men and women are different material next

Chris said...

@Beaverfever - exactly

Also you guys don't rock the fried okra up north either.

Consigliari said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Consigliari said...

@Hawkins

Brilliant. Here's a sneak peak of Simmons' next article:

"If the professor can build a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix the hole in the boat?"

What was once a poignant observer of pop culture and sports has degenerated into open mic night at Rooster T Feathers.

Rob said...

Isn't he paraphrasing dialogue from American Pie?

Consigliari said...

Im not sure that makes it any better.

The Pirate Sloth said...

This might have been my most favorite comment thread ever.

I love you KSK people. Its made my long day now enjoyable after that damned AIA Convention.

word verif: zkuhiwgz - about the only thing I can manage to speak after 2 days of saying the same sales pitch over and over again.

Sportscaster Mark Nagi said...

I think we all feel even more sorry for the sports gal now.....

Adam said...

I never knew Howard K. Stern was a Red Sox fan.

Clutch247 said...

Dude, he looks like fuckin Quagire from family guy. No seriously, he does.

Signal to Noise said...

@clutch247:

Holy shit. I can imagine him saying "Giggity!" repeatedly.

The Love Doctor said...

What's funny to me....all these 20-something young boys who don't even get what he's saying because they've never actually given a girl an orgasm but think they have...

guess what boys, if you had ever "converted" a girl to a woman before, you'd know what he was talking about. And yes, the woman feels stupid, because she was fooling herself the whole time.

Simmons' mistake: writing above the understanding of the children who read him.

;) hardee har har...please don't be too mad guys...

Otto Man said...

Sweat Tea is like crack without the upside. I can't stand the stuff.

Well, I think I may have discovered your problem. It's "sweet tea" and not "sweat tea." If you're adding perspiration to the tea, it's going to taste like shit.

Robocats said...

Shockingly, this is the first post with the "Have you tried the anal intruder?" tag. I expected better of you, or rather worse.

bradswint@yahoo.com said...

i wonder where simmons read this? in his l.a. or boston home? maybe he read it after renewing his celtics or clippers season tickets? or maybe he read it after writing his espn column millions will read. i don't really know. don't be so goddamn jealous. don't hate the player, hate the game. you were just a few years behind the curve.

Eddie said...

Why has no one mentioned his list of games the crowd helped the Celtics win? Those "we swung the outcome of six series" - and he includes the 1991 Indiana Pacers! The 41 - 41 Indiana Pacers! That was a team you needed the crowd to swing for you?

Okay, maybe he meant the 1991-1992 Pacers or the 1989-1990 Pacers. No, they both won about 41 games too. That inclusion is by far the most egregious (The Celtics had 15 more wins than the 1991 Pacers, but were pushed to the brink of elimination), but the Celtics had more wins than just about all those other teams too.

This is the internet Bill, people check you on that sort of BS.

K said...

bradswint@yahoo.com:

Millions of people paid money to see A-Rod play baseball last season. Should those criticizing his then-lackluster play have stopped hating the player and instead hated the game? Were they all just jealous? Or how about people who thought any number of box office successes sucked? Are they jealous of the filmmakers? Norbit was seen by millions of people (sadly), but I guess saying that movie looked like dogshit is just jealous.

I love the "jealousy" defense of Simmons and citing the number of Simmons' readers as to why he's untouchable. I don't think the disdain for Simmons stems from jealousy so much as it does 1. his laziness of repeating the same topics over and over again and 2. his tendency to shit on both print journalists and bloggers. He's the Man of the People who once he got to the top became paranoid and complacement.

In Simmons' style, think of it this way: he's the Rocky from Part III who lost touch with what made him champ -- pre-Clubber Lang beatdown, of course.

Of course, I guess by your rationale I'm just another "player hater," since apparently writers are free from criticism. Maybe the same should be said for athletes and movies. Don't have an opinion on anything, otherwise you're just jealous!