Tuesday, May 29, 2007

He's So Far From Charles Barkley
That He Might As Well Be White

There's a really crucial point that you fucking media people need to pick up on, and that point is this: Dipshittery does not an analyst make. HEY LOOK I AM RAISING MY VOICE AND WAVING MY HANDS AROUND TO PUNCH THIS GREAT...eh, you get the idea.

You probably already know that ESPN, who is determined to make you hate sports before you die, has hired Keyshawn Johnson as an analyst for its once-heralded NFL pregame show. What might surprise you is that Key is ALREADY being heralded as pro football's answer to Charles Barkley. Quoting the SI piece.

I'm not saying that Johnson will be as good as Barkley -- who is? But like Barkley, Johnson will be the same kind of magnetic personality that can give genuine life to those roundtables where the energy and hilarity often feel forced.

I'd like to comment on Keyshawn's analyst debut at the Draft, but I was too busy not drinking (don't ask) and making ill-advised wagers on where Brady Quinn would finally come off the board. But it's tough to hire someone for that panel that's less likable than noted white people/gym-teachers-in-waiting. Merrill Hoge and Mark Schlereth, both dipshits.

Vince Young may have been a proficient college quarterback, but this is the NFL, and to succeed here, you've gotta HEY G0DAMMIT DON'T KICK THE VOLLEYBALL!

But what is this magnetic personality of which you speak? Magnetic...as in getting deactivated while perfectly healthy because he was such a little bitch? Magnetic...as in changing into a Steelers jersey after his Bucaneers won the NFC title?

He'll probably step in and do well, and good for him. He'll have plenty of insight, seeing as he's played for half the teams in the league at one point or another.

But Keyshawn won't measure up to Barkley...at all. Chuck is so good, so LIKEABLE, that one becomes upset after realizing that one must tune into the NBA to enjoy his insight. Keyshawn will never have that problem, as his role will simply be to open his mouth and fill minutes of a show that's already too long, to say just enough, and then pass the ball back to the Combover in time for a circle-the-wagons comment, or some other shit.

And, frankly, the comparison pisses me off. Barkley is a genuine guy that says what's on his mind. Keyshawn is a whore. And while the hire originally had many of us nodding our heads in agreement, Keyshawn will turn out to be little more than Michael Irvin with a more caucasian wardrobe, which is probably all they wanted anyway.

35 comments:

Happy Fun Miles said...

But will he eat Pad Thai out of Rachel Nichols' ass crack?

pbdprg

Happy Fun Miles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Burnsy said...

I was reading that with Stephen A. Smith's voice in my head and the "frankly" in the last paragraph just made my day. It's not going to take much to humor me today.

Unsilent Majority said...

Just give me the damn cheeze doodlez!

Rae Carruth's Trunk said...

Keyshawn Johnson is going to save the NFL pregame show eh? The only thing that can save ESPN is have Keyshawn strangle Berman and Stu Scott with his barehands while they stand on that stupid goddamn football field made of putt putt "grass".

Wormfather said...

Shit they should have gotten Shanon Sharpe from CBS

Zee, dis is wub I twebbin you. The tee-fo efense...

I've never forced a laugh at the CBS show and Mr. Sharpe is the reason why.

Rae Carruth's Trunk said...

One more point, Keyshawn spent the ENTIRE draft talking about how big guys hands were, like he was prepping for a cockoff.

Berman: "Any thoughts about Marquis Hill Keyshawn?"

Keyshawn: "He was a great guy with big fucking hands! He was a Keyshawn guy!"

Jordi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jordi said...

Keyshawn is to Barkley what George Foreman is to Muhammad Ali.

Likable, yes. Controversial beyond his athletic knowledge? Yeah, right. Like ESPN would ever hire someone like that.

swing4 said...

I saw the "sometimes i wish i was black tag" and just assumed this was posted by Unsilent.

Tracer Bullet said...

Eh. Maybe Key will snap one day and punch Hodge in the throat. I keep hoping he'll turn to Salisbury and say, "Man, you got a short dick and no game."

swing4 said...

Of course, if it included misplaced quotation marks, you would know it was posted by me.

From the other side of town said...

Charles Barkley of football?

Let me know when they work out the contract details to get Lawrence Taylor on the set.

A good per-diem expense accout, 2 coke-dealers {good} on the speed dial, and he gets to keep the clothes that wardrobe puts on him.

That'll be the football equivalent of the besotted pearls of greatness that Barkley imparts.

Wait, on second thought LT has a couple of rings, which means his opinions would be more credibile than amusing.

Is there another Sharpe brother available?

TheNaturalMevs said...

Nice take i must say.

BeaverFever said...

keyshawn = one more reason not to watch espn.

brad said...

@tracer bullet:

I can tolerate Hoge but I would pay good money to see him say that to Salisbury.

I rape red sox fans said...

@carruth's trunk: do we have an over-under for when meshawn starts bitching about not getting enough touches on the mini-field?

Jason said...

@rape sox fans-

TAKE THE UNDER. Whatever it is.

save the steagles said...

Nice work, IRRSF. The drama which may unfold on the mini-field alone could make this a wise decision.

grungedave said...

Key has it easy - he just has to be better than Tiki (zzz...), Shannon and Sterling Sharpe (still harnessing the English language), and Joe Theismann (what's that? fired? awesome!).

and what the *fuck* - I missed not one but TWO commenter drafts last week?!?! Shit!!

grungedave said...

Key has it easy - he just has to be better than Tiki (zzz...), Shannon and Sterling Sharpe (still harnessing the English language), and Joe Theismann (what's that? fired? awesome!).

and what the *fuck* - I missed not one but TWO commenter drafts last week?!?! Shit!!

Joe Asheville said...

Most of the female commentators fit the profile of girls gym teachers, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Why wouldn't they give Steve Young his seat back?

Mr Furious said...

Keyshawn will turn out to be little more than Michael Irvin with a more caucasian wardrobe, which is probably all they wanted anyway.


That's really all you needed to write...

Rae Carruth's Trunk said...

@rape

The first week. It will start out with a joking "Hey Steve! Throw me the ball, I still got it!"

By week 5 it will be "Hey motherfucker, I'm better than any receiver you played with, give the the fucking ball!"

Brother Joshua said...

if he's going to be successful he's going to need to ditch that ibm corporate suite and get one with huge checker squares on it and buttons all the way from the adam's apple to the knees.

wv: gvebo: what shannon sharpe put up in his back yard for his wife's last birfday.

Peter McSheisty said...

Glad to have you guys back.

devang said...

TJ: "Are you retarded?!?!?"
KJ: "FUck you , you motherfuckin' Dionne Warwick nostril havin', no superbowl winnin'linebacker? I played with linemen who shit out bigger turds than you!!"
Steve Young: "Hey, hey no need to get personal!!
KJ: "Fuck you Mormon boy. Go fuck your 8 wives!!"
Berman: (Hides under the desk. "We'll be right back")

Awful Chief said...

All they need to do now is hire Pam Oliver away from FOX, sit her next to a ruler-wielding Keyshawn, and just sit back and wait for the magic to happen.

Total BS said...

Then we can start a blog called "Ruling Pam Oliver"?

Bloof said...

Keyshawn will be too busy talking about himself to have any football analysis.

On the other hand, isn't it great to have another analyst to hate? We'll have blogging material coming out our ass.

Sideburn said...

I have a huge Keyshawn man-crush, so I'm excited for it. Keyshawn can't throw to Keyshawn.

rar288 said...

I'm sorry but Pam Oliver looks like she sucks like 5 dicks a day. And I mean that in the best way possible.

Also, MMP, Charles Barkley is a "genuine guy"? He's the most obnoxious commentator I've ever forced myself to listen to. And that includes Tony Siragusa.

box cutter said...

but he's genuinely obnoxious...

Bill said...

Did you see the interview Ed Werder had with Key right after the Bucs Super Bowl? Werder said (paraphrasing) "So the Bucs won with basically no help from you" and Key was all "Fuck you motherfucker I got a Super Bowl ring now you can't tell me shit cracka-ass-cracka." It was awesome.