Sunday, September 30, 2007

Hey, Heath Miller is in the Endzone!

Only he's blanketed by three Cardinals. Why not go ahead and throw it anyway? Maybe there'll be a glitch like in Madden and the ball will go through one of the opposing players and materialize in Miller's hands. Who knows? Life's an adventure.

Oh, shit. One of the Cardinals did catch it. Well, just remember to show Tomlin your "Did I do bad?" face. He can't get too mad. He is the one who refuses to use Najeh Davenport in short yardage situations. First and goal from the four? Let's run it with Willie Parker twice up the gut. He's sure to move the pile.

Speaking of Willie Parker: would you like to fumble a few more handoffs? Tiki Barber just called. No, no, allow me. I'll hold the phone up to your ear so you can listen to him bitch about you stealing his schtick. It's a nice phone. I'd hate for you to drop it, shithead.


Thinking about which play to call, coach? Thinking about a shotgun lateral dumpoff pass on 3rd and 1? I bet you are. Let me just give you a little piece of advice. You see the big strong kid wearing #28 over there on the bench? You know, the one who averaged 11 yards a carry on the afternoon? The guy who only got 2 carries in the second half? The only good player on your offense? The one you apparently assume is made of peanut brittle? The only thing about this season that's keeping me from drinking a gallon of rubber cement? THE ONE YOU HAD RETURNING KICKS LIKE HE WAS DAVID FUCKING PALMER? Here's a wild idea for you:


Jesus Christ. I hope Ragnar drives over your goddamn head.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Reminder: Kevin Everett is recovering AND law-abiding

Newscast bloopers are a shopworn staple on YouTube, but this one is better than most...

It's a testament to Everett and his medical team that this screw-up is f'n hi-larious and not a tragic embarrassment for the station. Good on ya, big man. (Thanks to Food Court Lunch for the heads up.)

Now as is the tradition in these parts, here is your gratuitous T& A...

The Redskins have a bye this week. That means a few special guys have a chance to knock out some of that court-ordered community service. To the rest of you: try to get laid this weekend. Cheers!

Ocho Cinco. "A Disgusting Act." WHO YA GOT?

Though the matchup this Monday night hardly seems in doubt, what with Rudi Johnson ruled out and the Bengals' defensive unit only showing up as a formality, if at all. That doesn't mean we can't comment on this special showdown of intransigent receivers. So, America, WHO YA GOT?


Chad Johnson__________________Randy Moss


442 yds., three TDs_______________403 yds., five TDs

Catch phrase

HUGH!________________Straight cash, homie

Alienates fans by:

Importing Spanish, however incorrect, in his nickname, Ocho AMERICA ZERO!____________Slacking off

Sympathetic to Kevin Curtis' struggle?

No________________________Fuck nah

Inspires lyrics from:

Ryan Parker_______________________Outkast

Favorite hipster FroYo chain


Daring feat

Leapt into Dawg Pound_______________Played for Raiders

Can outrun:

A horse_________________His demons

Finishing Move

Whatever it is, it'll be covered exhaustively by ESPN______Same amount of coverage, just with more scolding

Put me on the board! Put me on the Cadillac board!

Welcome to the Week 4 edition of Always Be Covering. As you may be aware, the bulk of my gambling advice should not actually be taken. For the most part everything you read here will be in jest, but not anymore.

How bout that! Last week I decided to put a modest wager on my 8 favorite games and I ended up making money. I didn't even know you could do that! So after a 4-2-2 week I'm ready to declare my self a damn expert. With that being said, Always Be Closing will now be classified as "KSK Insider" material. From this point on this content will only be available to dues paying members. If you would like to keep reading we must insist that you mail us a check for five dollars every month.


Seriously, send us some fucking money or stop reading right now. Don't go ruining the honor system for everyone!

Welcome to the new and improved Always Be Closing...After Dark! Where anything can happen...

No, I'm not on just seems like it sometimes. Let's get to the picks.

Oakland +4 at Miami
Anytime the Dolphins are giving more than a field goal count me against them.

Green Bay -3 at Minnesota
Sorry Drew, but White Jesus is still more powerful than Purple Jesus. Frankly I prefer Earl Monroe.

New York Jets -3.5 at Buffalo
I wonder if I'll regret taking all of these road teams...nah, probably not. I like betting against Buffalo the way hipsters like detachment.

Tampa Bay +3 at Carolina
I'm thrilled to welcome David Carr back into my world. L'chaim!

Pittsburgh -6.5 at Arizona
Another road team? Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, "traveling is a fool's paradise," but then he says "my giant goes with me wherever I go." If the coaches are showing My Giant on the team bus then you have to figure they'll be pretty pissed by the time they get to the Pink Taco.

Detroit +3 vs. Chicago
I'd rather shave my balls with a fillet knife than take Griese and the points.

St. Louis +13.5 at Dallas
Uh-oh. I hope Jesus heals Bulger next.

Philadelphia Eagles -3 at New York
Will Donovan McNabb still be able to see Kevin Curtis when he's dressed in the same colors as the field? Let's hope so.


New England -6.5 at Cincinnati
The second I heard that Rudi Johnson was ruled out for Monday's game I jumped all over this one. To be fair, I was going to bet on New England anyways, that's just good business. But considering the injury I decided to put two and a half times as much money on this one than all of the others.

And now a little (big) something(s) just for fun...

There's something different about Ed Hochuli this year...

There you have it, now go forth and wager.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Doug & Doug's Fantasy Rules

Reader Scott I. tipped us off to these guys, whose work is featured over at Pretty funny. Pret-tay, pret-tay funny.

Wait, did he just say 'running from the KKK'? Man, I've got balls like grapefruits and I wouldn't go anywhere near that. Punter would, but not me.

Oh God, I Gotta Take A S—t

Wade: Oh Jesus Jesus Jesus. Holy guacamole. I hope no one’s using the bathroom stall.

(runs into bathroom, stall is occupied)

Oh, man. This is bad. Goodness gracious, that Chipotle burrito tore right through me. If this feller dudn’t hurry up, I’m done gonna soil my britches. Maybe if I stand in front of the stall like so, he’ll know someone’s waiting to use it. Please. Please please please, hurry up. I can feel that ol’ rattlesnake pushin’ his way out.

Wait a second. I know those boots. Are those rhinestone alligator skin boots?

(stall door flies open)


Wade: Aw, shiiit.

Jerry: Boy I tell ya, that there was the single finest dump I’ve taken in this facility. First class. Top o’ the line. Tell you what, Fatty Cha Cha, that’s the kinda bomb that kills Japanese schoolchildren! KABOOM!

Wade: Mr. Jones, you’re blocking the entrance…

Jerry: Yes sirree, absolutely pristine log I laid. It was two-beacher, with NO paperwork!

Wade: Mr. Jones, please.

My turd is big
As an oil rig
(clap clap clap)

Wade: Mr. Jones, if you don’t mind, I have to use that latrine myself.

Jerry: Oh, I don’t think so. That bank any takin’ any more deposits for the day, if you know what I mean.

Wade: Oh, Lord.

Jerry: Besides, that ain’t no handicapped stall. And I seriously doubt your fat ass can sit down without a whole lotta help from a railin’. Am I right?!

Wade: Well, if you’ll excuse me, then. I have to run.

Jerry: Shit on your own time, you big fat tube of Jimmy Dean. It’s time to talk about my boy ROMO! Did you see what he did out there?!

Wade: Well, yes, I was on the sidel…

Jerry: Tore that Bears defense a new asshole! I tell ya, my boy ROMO could be elected governor of Texas, he’s such a goddamn star! And this team is 3-0! THREE GODDAMN WINS AND NO GODDAMN LOSSES! Who’da thought we’d go 3 and goddamn 0 with your fat ass at in the driver’s seat? I’m amazed you even have room to work the steering wheel, King Hippo!

Wade: Sir, I really do have to…

Jerry: Listen, Tubby. I saw a power ranking that had us at Number 3 this week. Well, I want YOU to get my boy ROMO up at the top of that there list! NUMERO FUCKIN’ UNO! You hear me?

Wade: That’s fine sir, if I could just use the lavatory for moment…

Jerry: I don’t pay you to squeeze one out on the company's dime, Pumpkin. Besides, IT’S TIME TO SLAP YOUR TITTIES!!!

Wade: Sir, no…

Jerry: No arguin’! It’s titty slappin’ time, and I’m feeling frisky!

Wade: Sir, I beg of you…

Jerry: I need to slap me some tits! Who’s got slappy titties?! Who’s got slappy titties? Is it you?!

Wade: I do not have slappy titties.


Wade: Sir, if you don’t let me leave, I’m afraid I’m going to make a bit of a mess.

Jerry: Well all right. Get on in there and shit, boy.

(goes into stall, five minutes pass)

Jerry: You sure are takin’ your time in there, Titty Magee!

Wade: Sir, it’s hard to go with you standing there.

Jerry: Hard?! You tellin’ me you can’t handle the pressure, Mr. Kathy Bates?! Well then, consider this an important exercise! SHIT THAT LOG OUT!

Wade: Dear Lord, I'm never gonna be able to do this.



Wednesday, September 26, 2007

NFL PostSecret Week 3

As we've learned over the course of this short season, the NFL is filled with subterfuge and skullduggery, where nothing personal or professional can be revealed lest it be used for bulletin board material or in a scouting report. For those troubled souls in need of release, NFL PostSecret is here.

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Tuesday, September 25, 2007 10:03 AM
Subject: Lil' Help

So any chance Iran could help us shore up our defense?.

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 5:43 PM
Subject: Bench

You should go to the Redskins. They keep their good players on the sidelines.

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Monday, September 24, 2007 5:43 PM
Subject: Trade

Thanks for the two points this season, fucknuts.

Yo Cabron, chinga tu madre!

To make further inroads into the burgeoning Spanish-language market (as well as to nominally celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month) you may have noticed that the NFL and NBC made a few minor tweaks to Sunday night's Bears-Cowboys ass-kicking.

The graphics would occasionally refer to the Cowboys as the "Vaqueros" and the Bears as the "Osos" and Terrell Owens as "pendejo." The halftime entertainment may or may not have featured 90's retread Gloria Estefan and AAA-radio (yaaaaawn) favorite Ozomatli. I wouldn't know because I was watching Family Guy's Star Wars tribute by that point. In any event, none of these changes seemed particularly troublesome or even noteworthy for that matter.

But then there's this guy...


I'm not sure who the "we" that T.J. Douchemanzadeh here is referring to-- but at the very least, "they" still own that redneck sleeveless t-shirt and no one will ever take that away.

Look, life can vexing at times. Your car breaks down at the most inopportune of times. Your boss is whipping your ass for no reason. Your favorite porn star suddenly OD's. But the key to living to see next Sunday's games is taking it all in stride. Hopefully this guy will realize that before he gives himself an apoplexy.

Actually, I do have one small complaint about NBC's coverage: the WWF long ago conditioned me to believe that once the Spanish-language broadcast team is acknowledged on-screen, someone will soon be thrown through their table, sending TV monitors flying while babbling announcers scramble for their lives. Think about it. Wouldn't the best way to finish off Rex Grossman's career as a starter have been to let Brian Urlacher snap and deliver the flying elbow while Raul Allegre screams "DIOS MIO!!! EL JEFE MUY LOCO! DONDE ESTA MI TEQUILA???"

The Death Of Rex Grossman

And... that'll be all for the Sex Cannon. It made sense to lionize our friend Rex Grossman back when he threw up the occasional 3 TD game. Unfortunately Sexy Rexy is, in reality, just another shit QB. So take care, Cumslinger. It was fun while it lasted. But I think we're all looking for something a bit more stable now.

But could there be another potential Sex Cannon on the Bears roster?

Well, I'll be damned.

Kevin Everett Memorial Honorary Meast of the Week: Week 3, in Which the Negro Uber Mensch Carries the Day

We've been so engaged in mock-sincere recriminations over who is most slighted, black quarterbacks, white receivers, Asian claims adjusters or half-German and half-Brazilian big tittied personal palm frond wavers that it seems that we've lost sight of what matters most. Sunday, it was reported that this year's Meast namesake Kevin Everett made still more remarkable progress when he was able to lift his right arm and give paralysis the finger.

It makes you think of all the parallels with Christopher Reeve, like how they both wore red and blue outfits, and sucked stem cells dry to reach an arduous recovery.

But the debate hung over everything this week, especially the selection of the Meast. You knew we had to honor someone from the Eagles for their -temporarily- season-saving, face-melting 56-point performance against Detroit Sunday. With McNabb and Curtis canceling each other out with outstanding but co-dependent performances, it was the open field running of Brian Westbrook that proved most deserving of our recognition this week. We don't care how many yards you had, Ronnie Brown. Fucking loser.

The Eagles' back gained more than 200 total yards and had three scores, in the process getting an abdominal strain from eating so many Lions' players souls.

And, hey, we didn't pick a Patriot this week! There's another "disrespect" card they'll shuffle into the deck.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

White Wide Receivers Have to Give a Little Extra




How you likin' me now, shitbags? Eleven catches, 221 yards, three touchdowns, and one giant leap for Whitey. That'll teach you cuntmuffins to sit me in your fantasy league.

But before the rest of you reach under center and blow dork sauce all over your Yahoo! matchup screen, let Kevin Curtis be heard. I wasn't playing for fantasy glory on Sunday. I wasn't playing to help my team win. I wasn't even try to improve my chances with that cheerleader Janette. Well, maybe a little. But mostly, I was out there playing for my people.

You see, there's not that many European-American wide receivers, so we have to do a little bit extra. Because the percentage of us playing this position -- which people didn't want us to play -- is low, we're held to a different standard.

I catch a bunch of passes for 100 yards, our team wins by seven, it's just "Ah, he could've made this catch, they would have scored if he did this." Ya dig? That's why I went out for 200 yards and three touchdowns. Possession receiver? Kiss my proliferated cracker ass!

And no, James Brown, not ALL wide receivers face this kind of scrutiny. Terrell Owens? Randy Moss? Let me start by saying I love those guys. But they don't get criticized as much as we do. They don't. They can get by on talent alone and still make the team. But Uncle Waspy Vanillaface? Shit, my deceptive speed keeps deceiving my team from thinking I'm worth a damn. I'm busting the lighter-complected goodness off my hump every day, just to stay on the active roster.

Every year I'm part of some criticism. But if I learned anything growing up in the disadvantaged neighborhood of Murray, Utah, it's that every day we go through life, white people must learn to overcome adversity. We've been excluded from lining up on the numbers for so long, but now it's our time to shine.

I try to handle myself with class, with dignity. I get shit from the press all the time for not celebrating every first down catch I make, or by handing the ball back to the official if I score a touchdown. That's just who we are, baby. This is how we express ourselves. Do you really want my kind to try to dance out there?

It was even worse when I first came into the league. I scored a 48 on the Wonderlic, and it was all over the news. The younger white receivers, man, they don't know how good they have it. I think that if we keep progressing, one day, all the receivers in the league will be white. What a glorious day that will be.

A Few Good Football Players

Following DeAngelo Hall's 67-yard smorgasbord of penalties on a single game-losing drive, Falcons coach Bobby Petrino promised some "in-house" repercussions not only for Hall's misdeeds, but for his petulance on the sideline immediately afterward as well. Additionally, Pro Football Talk -- which we of course hold in very high regard -- reported this:

"There are rumors that Hall was beaten up by one or more teammates in the locker room after the game. One reader described the rumored incident as a "Code Red."


COACH PETRINO sits in his office with assistant coach JOE WHITT JR. They discuss Hall's series of costly mistakes.

WHITT: I think the best thing for us to do is trade him. Right away. He's still a shut-down cornerback, and we have glaring needs at, oh, every other position on the field.

PETRINO: Hmmmm... trade DeAngelo. Yes, I'm sure you're right. I'm sure that's the thing to do.

Wait a minute, I have a better idea. Let's trade the whole secondary to another team. Let's... On second thought, the defense! Let's trade the whole defense to some team for a quarterback who doesn't play piano. Joe, go on out there get those boys out of practice, they're packing their bags. Mary!

[A secretary enters]

MARY: Yes, sir!

PETRINO: Get me Las Vegas on the phone right away. We're surrendering our season to the Buccaneers! Because obviously the Saints suck too fucking hard to win a single game in this sorry division!

MARY: Yes, sir.

PETRINO: Wait a minute, Mary, don't get the Commissioner just yet. Maybe we should consider this a second. Dismissed, Mary.

Maybe, and I'm just spitballing here, maybe, we have a responsibility as coaches to train DeAngelo. Maybe we as coaches have a responsibility to this league to see to it that the men charged with stinking up the NFC South are trained professionals. Yes, I'm certain I remember reading that somewhere once. And now I'm thinking, Assistant Coach Whitt, that your suggestion of trading DeAngelo, while expeditious and certainly painless, might not be, in a matter of speaking, the American way. DeAngelo stays where he is. We're gonna train the lad!


A bright but young commissioner named ROGER GOODELL, accompanied by his wallflower friend GENE UPSHAW, goes to meet with the MEDIA.

GOODELL: Hi. I'm Roger Goodell. I was told to meet with... (checks notes) the media? About a briefing.

MEDIA: You're the commissioner that Tagliabue assigned?

GOODELL: I'm the HNIC. This is Gene Upshaw.

UPSHAW: I have no responsibilities here whatsoever.

MEDIA: Come in, please, have a seat... Commissioner, how long have you held your position?

GOODELL: About a year now.

MEDIA: And how long have you been dealing with troubled players?

GOODELL: A little less than that.

MEDIA: (pause) I see.

GOODELL: Have I done something wrong?

MEDIA: No. It's just that when I petitioned the NFL for a new commissioner, I was hoping I'd be taken seriously.


The MEDIA and Commissioner GOODELL travel to Atlanta to meet with Coach PETRINO and Assistant Coach Whitt. Pleasantries are exchanged before business.

MEDIA: Coach Petrino, are you still close with your old team?

[PETRINO smiles and nods.]

GOODELL: [making the connection] The Louisville Cardinals?

PETRINO: Yes sir.

GOODELL: Well, what do you know! [to WHITT] Son, this man once made a lot of enemies down in your neck of the woods. Made some trouble in the SEC. The folks down there said a Big East team couldn't compete for the national title, Bobby Petrino said we'll just see about that. [to PETRINO] How the hell is your old team?

PETRINO: They just suffered the biggest upset in the history of college football.

GOODELL: Well... don't I feel like the fuckin' asshole.

PETRINO: Not at all, commissioner.


A tense courtroom battle hinges on a gamble by the audacious GOODELL.



Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns, by which I mean large biceps. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Michael Vick?

I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for DeAngelo, and you curse the Falcons. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That DeAngelo's death, while tragic, probably saved yards. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves yards. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about in luxury boxes, you want me on that sideline. You need me on that sideline.

We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very entertainment that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a football, and throw a deep post pattern, because Harrington's no good at that. Either way, I don't give a DAMN what you think you are entitled to.

GOODELL: Did you order the code red?

PETRINO: I did the job you sent me to do.

GOODELL: Did you order the code red?


Monday, September 24, 2007

I’m Not Going Down Without A F--k!

Hold up. Wait a fucking second. What’s all this talk about Rex Grossman heading to the bench?! Do you see Rex Grossman walking to the bench? Do you see Lovie Smith calling for Brian Griese? Do you? DO YOU?!

Do you think I’m going to just sit idly by while some other jackass gets to throw my ball and take my audience? Do you really think Rex Fucking Grossman would just quietly accept his fate?! Do you think these eyes can’t tame a wild cougar?

Fuck that shit. I am not going down without a fuck.

You heard me. If you want to take my job, you’ll have to come and fuck the ever-loving shit out of me if you want to do it. Rex Grossman is no quitter. He will fuck and fuck and fuck until there’s no fuck left in him. That’s how he was born, that’s how he was raised, and that’s how he’ll die: fucking. If you think I’m going down without some serious hardcore, elbow-deep-in-your-butt gangbanging, you are sadly mistaken. I’m not backing down on this one. On the contrary. I am locked and loaded and ready to spray my salty jism all over this town if it means being able to do what I love most. I didn’t get this far not to fuck for what I believe in. I’m taking a stand. I’m holding my ground. And I’m fucking on it.

Think you can just waltz in here and tell the Sex Cannon what to do? Over my hard body. I fucked hard to get into this position. You're gonna have to come get it. Naked. With my penis inside you.

Want to put me down for good, Chicago? Just. Fucking. Bring. It. And don’t think I won’t get my shots in. I got a nut just waiting for your eye. This is gonna be tooth and nail. Ass and ball. Tit and clit. Cock and mouth. If I lose, so be it. But there’s still some sex left in this cannon. I’ll fuck to the end. This was sexy business. But now it’s sexy personal.

So prepare yourself. You’ve got one big fuck on your hands. I may be going down. On you. But I’m going down swinging. My dick.

1, 2, 3 FUCK!

The Sex Cannon is Dead; Long Live the Sex Cannon

Hello there. Those of you expecting an imagined monologue by Rex Grossman following last night's 15-33, 0 TD, 3 INT performance will be sorely disappointed. The Sex Cannon as envisioned by Big Daddy Drew is retired, killed off before the character became too rote and familiar (and thus unfunny).

But that doesn't mean that Grossman has stopped sucking spectacularly, which means that he still deserves our attention. So, in an ongoing effort to reward people who send us intelligent emails and NOT FUCKING BASEBALL BLOG POSTS WE DON'T DO LINK DUMPS YOU WHORES, we've decided to publish this fresh take on Rexy from John Krolik of Truth in a Bullet Fedora, who goes to USC but otherwise seems like an okay person. John writes:

I was originally going to humbly beseech all of you (as I'm sure many readers have), to start a campaign to save Rextacy, as his benching seems imminent at this point, and I don't know what I'd do without The Sex Cannon firing bolt after bolt of sexually-charged lightning every week.

But then I got to thinking: we should save Rex not just because we love his deviant ways and utter lack of caring for the shackles of quarterbacking or monogamy. We should save Rex because it's our duty as Americans. America is a country that runs on not giving a fuck, from the little things (oh, a kilometer is 1/10,000th of the distance from the equator to the North Pole? Fuck all of you, we're using miles because they kick ass.), to the more important things (You don't think it's a good idea for us to go to war? Try and stop us, faggots.) Rex plays quarterback like George Bush runs the country, and this is supposed to be America's game, isn't it? In fact, when you think about it, Rex's career path mirrors that of GWB's: Extreme initial skepticism and hatred from the intellectuals of the game/country, a brief period of redemption (post 9-11/the first half of last season), and then an utter blowup that made everyone say, "wow, we thought he sucked before, but now he REALLY sucks." (The Iraq War/The Super Bowl and this season.) We want our leaders to have balls; John Kerry and Peyton Manning can be as successful as they want through "doing things right," but at the end of the day we go "Yeah, but those guys are faggots."

Well, Rex is no faggot, and while I don't support George Bush, I think that Rex Grossman is America's quarterback. And I don't think he's going anywhere; people have been hating Bush since the beginning, but he's been running this motherfucker for 8 years when it's all said and done.

So, Gay Mafia, save Rex. It's your duty as Americans.

Pretty good, John. Thanks for your cogent argument and top-notch syntax. However, KSK's belief is that there is no need to save Rex. Even if he DOES get benched -- which Lovie Smith says ain't happenin' -- he will live on in our memories. NFL fans will always have a little bit of Rex in them.

By which I mean, we've all been inseminated.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

And Now For a Word From Our Sponsors

[Tilling dirt] Yield could be better. [Looks at camera] Hi, I'm a tobacco farmer living near Raleigh, North Carolina.[Talks into phone] Yeah honey, I'll take an omelette.

[scene shifts to waterfront with several yachts]

My son is a plebe at the Naval Academy in Annapolis. Keeping America free for you and me.

[scene shifts to field]

Sometimes, when I save up enough money, I go visit my brother, who is a wheat farmer in Wyoming. [Turns to brother] Does anyone else live here?

[scene twists to ESPN newsroom]

I love the Panthers, and I count on ESPN in Connecticut to ignore them completely. THROW IT TO SMITH!

[scene turns to small office]

The man at the farm bureau is from Mer Rouge, Louisiana and is a fan of the Saints. [Talks to man at desk] Way to start 0-2, buddy.

[scene shifts with Space Needle in the background]

My no-account son still listens to mopey music from some suicidal bums in Seattle.

[scene shifts to concert stage]

While I still prefer Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama." They still tour, but without Ronnie Van Zant, they're total shit.

[scene shifts back to Raleigh]

So I need a network that works where I live. A place called Raleigh Annyoming CoMerSeaAl.

AT&T. Airing 60 ads per half, until you want to dunk your phone into your beer.


It's like being tied to a chair and forced to watch your girlfriend fuck Jimmy Fallon.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuckkity fuck.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Ape is Sticking Around This Frozen Banana Stand

I almost quit KSK this week.

I had drafted a resignation letter and everything. It was heartfelt and affecting, contrite yet cogent, and, if you can believe it, it even had a few Simpsons references.

You see, though I work for this paper, which on its face may seem like a cool job, my position occupies a deadening vortex of fluff piecery from which I cannot escape. See, carping about your job is much worse than bitching about your fantasy team. After getting turned down for another two positions elsewhere this week, I figured I needed to knuckle down and turn my full attention to furthering my career. That meant no more blogging about dick jokes and construda and how much I wish the Ravens to be wiped clean from the Earth.

Luckily, a sagacious voice called out from the darkness to remind me of that vital lesson that quitting is for losers and working harder at your job is for saps and the Chinese.

To use an NFL analog, KSK imbues my ugly, odious workdays the way the Ea-gals vastly improve the Hazmat quality 75th anniversary throwback uniforms Philly will be wearing this weekend. And I thought the Steelers' throwbacks were horrific. Then again, these are just ungodly enough to ward off Jon Kitna's miracle inducing powers, which he summons by having the hand of God rub his fuzzy head.

Thanks as always to the Professional Cheerleader Blog.

It takes BRASS BALLS to cover spreads

Welcome to the Week 3 edition of Always Be Covering. As you may be aware, the bulk of my gambling advice should not actually be taken. For the most part everything you read here will be in jest, but not anymore.

Last week I took my picks seriously, and despite some questionable decisions my wagers netted a positively mediocre $24 (life changing money!). It could have been a decent payday but the day was pretty much fucked the minute those Cincinnati cuntslutwhores were run out of the stadium. This week I'm going to be a bit more aggressive. Instead of relying on those retarded parlays, teasers, and props I'm betting half of the league straight up.

I've placed $25 dollars on each of the following eight games (risking 200 to win 180)... play along at home if you're so inclined, but it's not my fucking fault that you have a gambling problem and crack habit.

Kansas City -3 vs. Minnesota
When I started this feature one of the founding principles involved wagering against one Herman Edwards. It's served us pretty well to date, and now it's time to return the favor. I'm putting all of my support behind the awful and winless Chiefs because I don't think Herm will let them lose to an even crappier team. Is it me or does Brad Childress look like the kind of guy that beats up cheap hookers to blow off steam?

New England -17 vs. Buffalo
The line shot up 2.5 points almost as soon as the game opened. Buffalo's totally fucked and Belichick is just looking to bend teams over the coffee table and fuck 'em like a Jersey housewife.

Pittsburgh -9 vs. San Francisco
Steelers be good 'n shit.

Arizona +8 at Baltimore
Betting against the home favorite? Yep, I'm fuckin' nutty! Baltimore can eat latkes out of my ass. Ed. note to self: Atone

I sensed you were getting bored.

Jacksonville +3.5 at Denver
That hook could be worth all the money in the world. Remember these two things: Denver is two field goals away from 0-2, and Mike Shanahan is a tampon.

Seattle -3 vs. Cincinnati
Maybe I should have just but the money on Over 50 total points. When is Marvin Lewis going to get his next extension?

Oakland -3 vs. Cleveland
It's everybody's favorite day of the year, Fuck Ohio Day! After last week you pretty much have to bet against both of em.

Washington -4 vs. New York Giants
Four fucking points? Has Vegas been watching the Giants? The veterans might stage a walkout at the two minute warning. Rocky McIntosh is going to see to it that Eli Manning never procreates.

There you have it, my eight favorite games (it literally took me seconds to pick them out). Do with them what you will, just get in your action before sundown if you're a shape-shifting Jew.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Nobody Puts Leather Together Like Dingo!

Reader Slimmons (A Marine! Fuck yeah!) sends us these authentic OJ Simpson print ads from the 1970's. Just in time for OJ's latest Western adventure strongarming people in their hotel rooms. I have no idea why they art directed an extra right leg into each of these ads. I'm just assuming OJ likes having a spare limb handy. Some quick advice from the Juice in this ad:

Boots have to look great, but they also have to be made for whatever you're going to be doing in them.

Thanks, Juice! Too bad Bruno Magli shoes aren't made the same way.

And flubby dug up this comic book ad for OJ's Juicemobile multi-purpose shoes. Built for fleeing!

And, lastly, here's an old douche ad that has nothing to do with anything. But it's about douche, so who am I to resist?

Give Me A F--king Break

This merits a flag and a fine? Eat a dick, NFL. Maybe if you let us have some fun once in a while, we wouldn't be so rebellious. Maybe we wouldn't drink so much during the games, or leer creepily at the cheerleaders. Maybe we wouldn't sneak out to secret barn dances with Kevin Bacon. Maybe we would have embraced Mormonism instead of doubting Father Young’s teachings. Maybe we wouldn’t date musicians even though we know they’re bad for us. Maybe we wouldn’t have quit the ASU cheerleading squad for a career in hardcore bondage porn. Maybe we wouldn’t have this terrible meth addiction. Maybe we wouldn’t have run away with Francisco to Portugal. Maybe we wouldn’t have had to have so many abortions. Maybe we wouldn’t have joined the Coast Guard. Maybe we wouldn’t have gone on tour with Trixter.

Let us have some fucking fun, for God’s sake. Is that too much to ask?

All I Wanted To Do Was Enjoy My Sandwich

Wade: Good golly, is it 2PM already? Boy, I am famished! Haven’t had time to eat all day. But it seems pretty quiet around here now. Yup, I think I’ll just kick back with this delicious Black Angus sub from Quizno’s. Let me just tear open this small packet of pepper to give this baby a kick! Oh, man. This looks good. Finally, after a long, hard morning, Wade’s finally gonna get some much needed chow in his belly. Now just to open my mouth and direct the sandwich towards my oral cavity…

(Doors fly open)


Wade: Oh, dear God no.

Jones: Did you see what my boy ROMO did to those faggots down in South Beach? That’ll teach Jason Taylor to sell Nivea aftershave balm and fuck white women! My boy Romo is a goddamn star, you big titty monster!

Wade: Sir, if you don’t mind, I’d like to enjoy my lunch for a moment.

Jones: Lunch? You want LUNCH? Hoo boy, the last thing your fat ass needs is scheduled eating! I’m surprised you weren’t fucking that sandwich when I walked in here!

Wade: Sir, please…

Jones: Listen, Moby Dickless, we have work to do! Now, my boy Romo is taking off thanks to my Princeton boy! Get in here, Princeton boy! Look what Ricki Lake here is trying to do to this poor sandwich!

(Enter Jason Garrett)

Garrett: Oh dear. Seems someone matriculated at a school that did NOT teach proper nutrition. Are you in concurrence, Mr. Jones?

Jones: Shit yeah! I didn’t know Hamburger University had a football team!!!!

(Jones and Garrett laugh)

Garrett: My goodness, you are an obese man. Did your parents keep you in the house, or did they simply let you graze out in the pasture? Do you know what we did with the obese students back in Princeton, Mr. Jones?

Jones: Tell me! Tell me!

Garrett: Nothing! Because no one at Princeton is obese! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Jones: Oh, that is fucking great! You know, you’re not so bad, for a Northern queer! I can’t wait for you to take over Bessie The Cow’s job next year!

Wade: Can I just please enjoy my lunch?

Jones: You’ve enjoyed enough lunches for this lifetime and the next, Tubgirl. I’ve got a new assignment for you!

(Enter Tank Johnson)

Tank: I’m Tank. I like guns. And fucking.

Jones: WAAAAAAHOOOOOO!!!!! Look that feller!!! Doesn’t he just look fucking MEAN?

Garrett: Indeed. He’s a terribly frightening Negro.

Jones: I mean, his name is Tank! How can you not like that?

Tank: I want a Slim Jim, motherfucker.

Wade: Well, when I’m finished here, I can help take Tank through the defensive playbook.

Jones: When you’re finished?! I think not, Wade Folds Five! I want this young man starting next week! And I want you to personally get him up to speed!

Wade: Isn't he suspended?

Jones: I'm workin' on that. Don't you worry your fat little blimphead about it.

Wade: I’m just not sure if we can get him ready…

Jones: That’s because you’re too fat and slow! You’re so fat, we had to lower you into the stadium through the hole in the goddamn roof!

Wade: That’s not true!

Jones: This young man is the key to our defensive success! And he’s perfect for our fanbase! He loves guns! Texans love guns! It’s a perfect match! YIPPPPPITY YIPPITY WAAAAAAA!!!!!!

(Fires guns in the air)

Tank: Those are nice guns. I want them.

Jones: Keep ‘em! I’ve got thousands of them!

Garrett: How grand!

Wade: God, I’m starving.

Jones: Tough shit, Flab Wagon! Git your sorry as back to work! WORK! WORK! WORK!

(Beats him with a riding crop)

Wade: I hate my life.


Kevin Everett Meast Of The Week -- Week 2

Having sufficiently honored our bestingraychested Memorial Meast Steve Irwin, we're re-naming KSK's most prestigious honor after Kevin Everett, who we think is a total fucking badass for shattering his neck vertebrae and then having the constitution to not be totally paralyzed. We'll be rooting for you all year, Kevin (plus well into the future after that).

Pick six.

Adalius Thomas did it, man. He lived the dream. He found a ball lodged in his grill and delivered it to the promised land before 10 am the next morning. He also had three tackles, and then after the game he ate five pizzas and took a shit the size of Muggsey Bogues. Simmons would probably suck him dry were it not for his deep-rooted fear of larger black gentlemen.

Yeah, we just picked a Patriot for the Meast for the second consecutive week. But before you polish up your pitchfork, consider that these Patriots have already slapped around two good teams. At least, they were good last year. Who knows, they might not be worth a shit in '07. Adalius is the black guy, by the way.

Actually, Adalius always wanted to play quarterback in the NFL, but a bunch of my white friends got together and stopped him. We didn't want him in that position.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Crotchety Old Coot vs. Snotty Little Shit. WHO YA GOT?

As I've detailed in the recent past, my father's 49ers fandom has been the cause of considerable turmoil in the House of Ape, particularly father dearest's insistence on belaboring the Niners spotless Super Bowl record. This week's contest of the week could fleetingly put the battle to rest, at least for the remainder of this year, as 2-0 San Francisco travels to 2-0 Pittsburgh. It's on like Donkey Kong, you old fuck.


A(pe)A(pe)RP________________________Christmas Ape




6' 2"___________________________6'1"


205 lbs________________________180 lbs.

Notable accomplishments

Vietnam War veteran, father of Christmas Ape ____ Pinewood Derby runner-up

Listens to

Rod Stewart, Nat King Cole ____________Mos Def, Charles Mingus, White Stripes

Favored insult

"commie pervert"_________________"pussy basket"

Significant factoid

Fucks Xmas Ape's mom _______________Pees in his dad's strained carrots

Finishing move

Going to bed before 8 p.m._________________Going to bed alone on a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.

NFL PostSeeeeecrets Week 2

As we've no doubt learned over the past week, the NFL is filled with subterfuge and skullduggery, where nothing personal or professional can be revealed lest it be used for bulletin board material or in a scouting report. For that reason, NFL PostSecret has become all the more vital tool for players, coaches, owners and Solomon Wilcots to air their most closely guarded secrets. Here are this week's submissions.