Better Know a Draft Pick: Vernon Gholston

Name: Vernon Gholston
Nickname: Unknown (meaning I don't know).
Suggested Nickname: Unknown (at least until he says otherwise).

Height/Weight: Statuesque.
Body Type: After his pro day one NFL coach told KSK (on the condition of anonymity), "that kid's body makes me harder than an enema from my Puerto Rican nurse." And that coach was Monte Kiffin.

Early Aspirations: Before football Vernon was a pre-teen body builder. Meaning yes, even a pre-pubescent version of Vernon could kick the living shit out of your pathetic blog reading ass.

Speed: Big Ten-ish.
Muscles: Medium twitch.

Urine Sample: Intensity.
Stool Sample: Steamy.

Who Wants Him: Oakland. But to be fair, they also shown interest in a panda who is purported to have been trained to play right guard.

Stupid panda. You have to keep your paws inside the shoulders if you're going to contain the pass rush.
Who Will Take Him: St. Louis. Because fuck Chris Long, that's why.

Immediate Impact: Bone crushing.
Down the Road: A locker filled with enough steroids to stock a Mexican pharmacy.

Previously on Better Know a Draft Pick...
Matt Ryan
Glenn Dorsey
Darren McFadden

Better Know a Draft Pick: Darren McFadden

Name: Darren McFadden

Nickname: Run DMC. Sorry Darren, but I hear that name might have already been taken by one of those hippity hop trios out of New York City

Other Nicknames: D-Mac, D-Dawg, Eric Calvi, Butter Boy, and Humanity Advanced.

Rejected Nicknames: McBabyDaddy, Big Mac, Big D, McDeezy

Parents: His mother Mini Muhammad successfully kicked her crack habit, but his father Graylon McFadden left years ago to pursue his dream of opening a bar for insufferable douchebags attending George Washington University.

Siblings: At one point growing up he had one brother in the Crips and one in the Bloods. It was just like that episode of The Brady Bunch when Peter agrees to be Bobby's slave for life, only Bobby takes advantage of the situation and pisses off Peter to the point where the boys have to divide the bedroom into territories. Yep, just like that episode.

Urine Sample: Clean like a mountain stream.
Sperm Count: 50 million per milliliter, and they all swim like Michael Phelps with flippers.

Cause for Concern: Let's just say it doesn't take his kid blowing a mini-golf match to get him in a frilly dress.



And speaking of kids, he may or may not have a few of em.

Mainstream Comparison: Purple Jesus
KSK Comparison: Travis Henry

Who Wants Him: Jerry Jones, no matter what that crazy asshole might tell you.
Who Will Take Him: The Jets, followed by a chorus of white men booing.

Immediate Impact: He'll hit the ground running.
Down the Road: His body is going to fall apart like a piece of furniture assembled by a clumsy Jew.

Previously on BKADP...
Matt Ryan
Glenn Dorsey

LOLNFL: The Offseason Edition

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Original images by Getty via Yahoo(!) Sports

The Maj's One-Word Review of Nationals Park

(Click the picture for delicious detail)
Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!

And yes Drew, the next time I go off-topic I'll be sure to include a butt wiping anecdote.

Better Know a Draft Pick: Glenn Dorsey

Welcome back to another year of Better Know A Draft Pick. Leading up to the draft we'll profile all the top prospects that are worth knowing.



Name: Glenn Jamon Dorsey
Nickname: "Putt"
Origin: A young Glenn was so enraptured by Putt-Putt commercials as a young child he would stand up and walk to the television whenever they come on. He's also the anonymous author behind Putt's Law.

Hometown: The Jambalaya Capital of the World, Gonzales, Louisiana.

Height: Tall enough to ride the ride.
Weight: 297? Maybe on Uranus. (ed. note: Uranus!)
Strength: Belied by fat.

Urine Sample: Tangy.
Stool Sample: Still caked on the bathroom floor.
Blood Sample: Red.

Early Setback: Had to wear metal braces as a child to correct bowed legs.

Mainstream Comparison: Warren Sapp
KSK Comparison: Forrest Gump

Strengths: He has the feet of a ballerina. Literally, he ripped off her feet at the ankles in a disturbing display of strength.
Weaknesses: Chop blocks and crawdads.

Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics: Earlier in the month erroneous reports indicated that Dorsey had a secret knee surgery. Some believed this was the reason Dorsey accumulated a mere 27 tackles and 3 sacks last season, while people who are not total dumbfucks realize that he was triple-teamed more often than Kobe Tai.

The Truth: He doesn't actually have knees, they just stuffed a bunch of old socks in between his femur and tibia.

Best Known For: Winning the National Championship along with every collegiate award imaginable for a defensive player.

Who Wants Him: Cincinnati
Who Will Take Him:Oakland

Favorite Food: Buffet

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He dabbles as a motivational speaker, for kids! His inspirational overriding message, “dream big," comes from an influential dream he had about eating the world's most glazed ham.
















Immediate Impact: An explosive force.
Down the Road: A pronounced limp.

Previously on BKADP: Matt Ryan

Construda Regional 2nd Round: No. 6 Chief vs. No. 7 Redskin In a Matchup of Little Consequence!

For absolutely no reason at all, we present you with the battle for supremacy amongst Native American mascots. Will it be the wisdom of the aged Chief, or the guy with a reddish hue? Only you can decide.

Competitors

Chief------------------------------------------------------Redskin

Probable Tribe
Wyandott-------------------------------------------------Patawomeck

Reach
Extends throughout his tribe--------As far as you can throw a tomahawk

Represented by...
Robert Parish---------------------------------------------Japazeus

Strengths
Stoic leadership, rebounding--------------Duplicitousness, canoe building
Working with white man----------------------------Working with white man


Leads to...
Formation of the 500 Nations------------------------Fancy new toys
3 titles with the Celtics------------------------------Abduction of Pocahontas

Weakness
Working with white man-------------------------Working with white man

Leads to...
Set-up by the FedEx guy----------------Destruction of an indigenous people


The poll is up on the top right and it will be open through the rest of the day. This should be intense!

Putting One Over On Jess

Int. Jessica Simpson's living room.

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Nick: Yo, Tony, it's Lachey!

Tony: Hey man, how've you been.

Nick: Same old shit. But hey, Mayer and I are in town and we had such a good time at the Cosmo awards we wanted to know if you could come out tonight?

Tony: Oh, I don't know. Jess and I have dinner reservations, and then I'm penciled in for a solid hour of cuddle time.

Nick: Fuck that man, let's go get some whores.

Tony: Damn, it has been awhile since I've had a good dirty fuck.

Nick: Jessica still thinks it's gross?

Tony: You know it.

[unintelligible murmuring]

John: Tony, it's Mayer.

Tony: Mayday!

John: Yeah, I have a way for you to get out of there. It worked for me once when I was supposed to go to one of Ashley's concerts.

Tony: Oh yeah? But won't Jess notice I'm gone.

John: Well that's just it, you need a stand-in.

Tony: But I don't have one.

John: Are you at Jessica's place?

Tony: Yeah.

John: Perfect. One time I took Jessica to Six Flags and I won her a big stuffed doll. Whenever I needed to get away I'd just put it on the couch and slip away very slowly.

Tony: Where is it?

John: Check the back of the hall closet, I'll hold on.

Tony: I don't know, it certainly isn't very lifelike.

John: Trust me, she'll never even notice. She just needs something cute on her arm at all times. If anything, she'll just think your cuddlier than usual.

Tony: OK, I'm doing it. I'll meet you at the end of the block in five minutes... this better work.

John: Don't worry about it.

Later that evening...





Image via WWTDD

Better Know A Draft Pick: Matt Ryan

Welcome back to another year of Better Know A Draft Pick. Leading up to the draft we'll profile all the top prospects that are worth knowing.


Name: Matt Ryan
Nickname: Matty Ice

Easy Reasons to Hate Him Sight Unseen: Did you see that fucking nickname? Then there's the issue of the two first names. I bet he enjoys a good balcony party.

Height: Plenty
Weight: Enough

Arm: Yes.
Speed: No.
Head: Wicked clevah!
Intangibles: Still unquantifiable.

Urine Sample: Golden.
Stool Sample: Smooth under extreme pressure.
Blood Sample: Blue.

Mainstream Comparison: Tom Brady
KSK Comparison: Joe from Team America

Best Known For: Overblown comebacks, beating crappy teams in bowl games, padding stats against really crappy teams, and leadership.

Who Wants Him: Kansas City loves his ability to win games for bad teams.

Who Will Take Him: Atlanta loves him because he's safer than your girlfriend's gay shopping buddy.

Hobbies: 94, 51, 56, and the one on the far right...

And 98 that one night he was really trashed.

Campus Hangout: Planned Parenthood

Favorite Food: Chowdah!

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He's from small-town Pennsylvania, he attended a prestigious Quaker high school, he attended a prestigious Catholic college, and he emits a distinct odor of apple pie.

Immediate Impact: Jersey sales amongst downtrodden fans.
Down the Road: Another generic disappointment.

Holy Crap, Whadid I Miss? Maj's Off-Topicakke

You don't have to be a douchebag to be a good skier, but it certainly helps.

Good fucking God. I go on vacation for one random week in March and I miss all sorts of crazy shit. Since I missed so much recently I decided to cover all of the fun off-topic goodness in one sprawling post. It's win-win for you, the reader, because it's stuff you never cared about to begin with and it's longer than Drew's old-man balls. Huzzah!

-Number One Threat to America: Bear Stearns

Yeah that's right, America's fucking broke. That's why I store all of my money inside of Nick Denton's large head-vault. Fortunately for the rest of you the government is sending out some stimulus checks. They really want you to boost the economy by spending the money as opposed to saving it, which is why they're making all of the banks collapse just in time. Personally, I plan on using my stimulus moneys to purchase illicit substances...from foreigners! Take that, Capitalism!

Speaking of nonsensical financial blather...

-TBL Came Out!

Some have said that this announcement came on the heels of FJM's revelation, but all of this started when I appeared on Blog Show. The important question remains, how can US Weekly possibly survive without JRM's editorial oversight?

-The Brothers Karamazov > The Brothers Marquez

That's right Drew, I'm talking about boxing and you can't do shit about it! A couple of weeks back Israel Vasquez barely beat Rafael Marquez and then on Saturday night Pac-Man barely beat Juan Manuel Marquez. Everybody got really bloody and had a good time. Seriously, you could see JMM's brain through the cut on his eye.

-Uranus Still Hates Atlantans

First these southerners bitch about a little drought and now they get some rain and they can't handle the wind that comes with it? No wonder they couldn't win a fucking civil war.

-Some Basketball Something Or Other

IT'S MARCH MOTHERFUCKING MADNESS!

Some of you might be aware that I'm rather fond of the sport of basketball (and the race of man that tends to excel at said sport) and I have a particular appreciation for the amateur variety. As the self-appointed basketball genius of the gay I'm taking it upon myself to give you our initial breakdown of all things bracket. What follows is a list of rules you have to abide by if you're going to participate in the springtime festivities.

Brackets > Hair

Do: Know everything about college basketball.

Sure, we're the guys who lost a bracket challenge to the Womyn Ladies. But remember, I won the individual title because I'm a testosterone-fueled genius who actually watches PAC 10 games.

Don't: Attempt to fill in your pathetically average knowledge with research.

If you can't pick the tournament blind then you're already fucked. Two kinds of people win these things, People who care way too much about basketball and people who pick Drake to make an Elite 8 run because they "love the Drake."

Don't: Read a stupid list of rules for filling out your bracket.

You're already failing at a second-grade level!

Do: Bitch about the diabolical snubbery of the selection committee.

"Waaaah! VCU, VT, and UVA* didn't get in, why does the NCAA hate the Commonwealth of Virginia?" Sound familiar? If so it's because you can't react to Selection Sunday without a bit of indignation.

Oh, and to answer your question, Virginia is the AIDS of states.

*Never actually had a chance

Yeah, I'm never leaving town again.

Cosmo Said It, So It Must Be True!

Sure this is old news and it's already been covered pretty extensively in the sports blogosphere and even by the occasional leather fetishists, but it's never too late to make fun of douchebags. Unless they got cancer, then the window would probably have closed. But I digress...

Tony Romo joined John Mayer and the Original Cocksucker of Comedy, Dane Cook, as this year's winner of Cosmo's coveted Fun, Fearless Male award. I have no idea why anyone would consider these douches to be at the apex of fun and fearlessness. Before the event I would have assumed things broke down thusly...


Of course that was before I was aware that Dane and John have both gone spelunking inside of Jessica Simpson's velvet cave. Not only that, but last year's winner was Simpson's ex-reality show co-star/latch-key husband Nick Lachey.

All of this can only mean one thing...

Jessica Simpson's fuckhole is filled with treacherous booby traps.

That's what I said, BOOTY TRAPS!

Of course I'm just mad because I was overlooked for yet another year. Apparently juggling newborn babies and AIDS infected needles isn't quite fun and fearless enough for those frilly magazine writing philistines.

Brett Is Striving For a Cushier Career

Yesterday ESPN's Chris Mortensen reported (via voicemail) that Brett Favre is retiring due to his increasing mental fatigue.

"I know I can still play, but it's like I told my wife, I'm just tired mentally. I'm just tired,"

What Mort didn't go on to report is the subsequent conversation that took place when Mort got off of the shitter and checked his voicemail...



Hey Brett! Sorry I missed your call, I was knuckle deep in some serious mud butt.




Don't you have journalists to do that for you?



Sadly, no. But hey, you mentioned something about retiring because you're tired. What's up with that?


You know, I'm just tired. I'm tired of reading the playbook, I'm tired of scouting opponents, and I'm tired of not getting to play with Moss.


I hear ya, Brett. Like I've always said, football is a thinking man's game like chess. The pawns are the linemen, the rooks are the wideouts, the bishops are the tight ends, and the knights are the running backs. But the quarterback is like the king and the queen in one! The queen is your athletic side while the king is your brainy side. It must really have taken a toll over all these years.



...




Brett?




What the fuck is chess?




It's like fancy checkers.



Chinese or domestic?



It doesn't matter, your brain has had enough strain.



Hey, that rhymes!



It certainly does, Brett. So what are you going to do now that you're retired?



I need a job that doesn't require so much thinking and preparation.




Heck, you could come work in Bristol any time!




Nah, Berman creeps me out.




He'll do that.




Hey, I know! Do you have Sean's phone number?




Nope, I deleted it a while back. There was some...unpleasantness.



Damn. I sure would like to hitch my wagon to that Salisbury Brand he's been talkin' about. It's like that guy gets paid to not think. What a great fuckin' country.




God bless it.




Hell yeah! And fuck the French!




Yeah, and the blacks too!




What?!



[click]

Florio Didn't Write It, So It Must Be True!

BREAKING JEWS NEWS!!!

Fox's Jay Glazer is reporting Brett Favre set to retire.

I'll believe it when the police find Peter King's bloated corpse hanging from the rafters.


UPDATE: Favre's bro tells Mississippi newspaper it's true.

Big Ben Drives Through To New Deal

"Yes, hello? I'd like 102 million chicken fa-jitas, please? And that's it."

Your total is 102 million dollars, please pull around.