Better Know A Draft Pick: Matt Ryan

Welcome back to another year of Better Know A Draft Pick. Leading up to the draft we'll profile all the top prospects that are worth knowing.


Name: Matt Ryan
Nickname: Matty Ice

Easy Reasons to Hate Him Sight Unseen: Did you see that fucking nickname? Then there's the issue of the two first names. I bet he enjoys a good balcony party.

Height: Plenty
Weight: Enough

Arm: Yes.
Speed: No.
Head: Wicked clevah!
Intangibles: Still unquantifiable.

Urine Sample: Golden.
Stool Sample: Smooth under extreme pressure.
Blood Sample: Blue.

Mainstream Comparison: Tom Brady
KSK Comparison: Joe from Team America

Best Known For: Overblown comebacks, beating crappy teams in bowl games, padding stats against really crappy teams, and leadership.

Who Wants Him: Kansas City loves his ability to win games for bad teams.

Who Will Take Him: Atlanta loves him because he's safer than your girlfriend's gay shopping buddy.

Hobbies: 94, 51, 56, and the one on the far right...

And 98 that one night he was really trashed.

Campus Hangout: Planned Parenthood

Favorite Food: Chowdah!

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He's from small-town Pennsylvania, he attended a prestigious Quaker high school, he attended a prestigious Catholic college, and he emits a distinct odor of apple pie.

Immediate Impact: Jersey sales amongst downtrodden fans.
Down the Road: Another generic disappointment.

The Lamest Conversation of All Time; Or, There Wasn't Time for a Game of Squash

Friday Evening...

Me: Hi, Eli. Matt. Nice to meet you. Can I get a picture?

Eli Manning: Sure.

Me: Thanks.

Eli: ...

Me: Wow. You're really tall. That doesn't come across on television.

Eli: Well, everyone else is tall, too.

Me: Ah. Well, good luck on Sunday... night, is it?

Eli: Yup. Thanks.

The GQ Quarterback Photos REEEEEEEEEEEE-MIX!

It was just last week that we were first able to gaze upon GQ's latest photo stylings of some of the NFL's hot young quarterbacks. This week, as is the natural progression of Internet Things, come the Photoshopped images (all courtesy of our good friend 289).

The Ironic Hall of Mirrors shattered when Ben hit a motorcycle-driving Steely McBeam.

Hey, someone's gotta fill the void left in the dogfighting world.

Ugh. I'd rather be Travis Henry.

"Where you been, Romo? The whole steel industry's gay."

Actually, this one isn't Photoshopped.

Your move, Dan V.

1-800-StayDownBitch

The Sports Network (which exists) is reporting that the NFL will open a "concussion hotline" for concerned players, doctors, coaches, and that guy that takes fantasy football a bit too seriously.

The NFL has taken a proactive stance on addressing concussions, a condition that has led to several players retiring or being sidelined for substantial amounts of time.

The league announced Tuesday that it would establish a concussion hotline. It's being formed to report information on a confidential basis about players being forced to practice or play against medical advice.

KSK has recently learned that players confidential informants have come forward on behalf of these woozy injury victims.

David Carr Marauds Through North Carolina Killing Children Oh God the Humanity

Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.

(Passersby were amazed by the thanks to reader B.J.)

Why Are All These Quarterbacks So Gay? A Definitive Guide

Man, why are all these quarterbacks so gay? I don't understand how football can pretend it's the manliest of sports with the most homophobic locker rooms when every team is led by a flaming homosexual.

Peyton Manning. Queer. Yeah, he's married, but how many kids does he have? Zero, because he only has sex with dudes. Check this out: he once appeared onstage to sing with Kenny Chesney. And we all know singing is gay.

Don't get me started on Jeff Garcia. This guy is so gay he had to get engaged to the 2004 Playmate of the Year, Carmella DeCesare. What a crock. Why would a coveted nude pinup deign to marry a wealthy professional athlete? It just doesn't make sense. Everyone knows that a good beard is proportional in fame and hotness to the gay man she moonlights for. It's why Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are such a joke, and why Tom Brady has most of America fooled.

Besides, Terrell Owens insinuated he was gay. If we can't trust T.O., who can we trust?

Speaking of Tom Brady...

Just look at him. Oh, sure, he's "dating" Gisele. Wink, wink. Are we really supposed to believe that he impregnated Bridget Moynahan? Get real. She's old and he's gay. How do I know? Well, for starters, he's good-looking and dresses well. That's fucking queer. Plus he was photographed holding a goat. And anyone photographed with a farm animal automatically likes bestiality, which is the same thing as being gay.

The evidence is just overwhelming. I can't believe more people don't realize it.

Donovan McNabb. Disliked by Rush Limbaugh; in commercials with his mother. Gay.

Chris Simms. Too easy. Next.

Tony Romo. Dimpled, attractive, youthful face = obviously gay. His public announcements of crushes on blonde pop starlets Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood were painfully contrived. Why? Because his favorite blond is Chris Simms. Did I just make that up? Probably.

Trent Green, Mark Brunell and Kurt Warner are all devoutly Christian, and we all know devoutly Christian = closet case. Well, except for Warner. There's nothing closeted about marrying a man.

Matt Leinart actually might not be gay, but now that he's slept with Paris Hilton, he's at least got the gay diseases.

People seem to think Rex Grossman has a way with the ladies, and they give him a lot of credit for being the Sex Cannon. More like the Butt Sex Cannon. Have you seen his eyebrows? That shit gets waxed twice a week, and tweezed daily. He's a three-dollar bill, my friends. A three-dollar bill.

Alex Smith. Women find him atractive. Thus, he is gay. (See also: David Carr, Philip Rivers)

My favorite gay quarterback is Matt Hasselbeck. He did a pretty good job of pretending he was straight for a long time, having a wife who gave birth a couple times to babies that he allegedly donated his sperm to. But then he took this picture:

And it is obvious, conclusive evidence that Matt Hasselbeck likes sex with men. It was probably his idea for him and Trent Dilfer (also gay) to take their shirts off. Also: black and white photography is gay.

J.P. Losman. Long hair. Loses a lot. Gay and gay.

Eli Manning was clearly sexually abused by his older brother. Hence his closeted self-loathing is taken out on the football field (where he is timid and cowardly) and in karaoke bars (where he is fabulous).

Michael Vick. NOT gay. Also: not really a quarterback. QED.

Joey Harrington plays the piano. See also: Elton John; Liberace.

Brett Favre has a long-running secret affair with columnist Peter King; Chad Pennington feathers his hair; Vince Young is a top; Brad Johnson is a bottom; Aaron Brooks is a queen; Ben Roethlisberger is a bear; Marc Bulger likes hard cock so much, he changed his last name to Bulger; Jay Cutler's mother cuts his hair [EDIT: see also Carson Palmer]; Byron Leftwich pretends to be injured just so his big, strong teammates will carry him downfield; Daunte Culpepper moved to Miami for the lifestyle opportunities in South Beach; Charlie Frye throws like a girl; Jake Delhomme is willing to try anything; Steve McNair actually uses Nair; and Drew Brees... hmm... I got nothin' on him. I guess he's the exception that proves the rule.

Gay, gay, gay, and gay. So there, John Amaechi. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. You know, figuratively.

*Not included: Jon Kitna. I think he's some kind of asexual alien.