Friday, March 21, 2008

Better Know A Draft Pick: Matt Ryan

Welcome back to another year of Better Know A Draft Pick. Leading up to the draft we'll profile all the top prospects that are worth knowing.

Name: Matt Ryan
Nickname: Matty Ice

Easy Reasons to Hate Him Sight Unseen: Did you see that fucking nickname? Then there's the issue of the two first names. I bet he enjoys a good balcony party.

Height: Plenty
Weight: Enough

Arm: Yes.
Speed: No.
Head: Wicked clevah!
Intangibles: Still unquantifiable.

Urine Sample: Golden.
Stool Sample: Smooth under extreme pressure.
Blood Sample: Blue.

Mainstream Comparison: Tom Brady
KSK Comparison: Joe from Team America

Best Known For: Overblown comebacks, beating crappy teams in bowl games, padding stats against really crappy teams, and leadership.

Who Wants Him: Kansas City loves his ability to win games for bad teams.

Who Will Take Him: Atlanta loves him because he's safer than your girlfriend's gay shopping buddy.

Hobbies: 94, 51, 56, and the one on the far right...

And 98 that one night he was really trashed.

Campus Hangout: Planned Parenthood

Favorite Food: Chowdah!

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He's from small-town Pennsylvania, he attended a prestigious Quaker high school, he attended a prestigious Catholic college, and he emits a distinct odor of apple pie.

Immediate Impact: Jersey sales amongst downtrodden fans.
Down the Road: Another generic disappointment.


dead account said...

Wow, this got buried quick.

I hope the Dolphins take him. That way Pats fans can cheer for Adalius Thomas to sack a nice white boy from Boston College. And then, Foxboro stadium will implode.

jackin'4beats said...

I hear the skins are in need of a QB...what's that, they've already got Lionel Richie running the offense? My point exactly.

/piling on the Redskin hate

testing thing said...

"Safer than your girlfriend's gay shopping buddy."

Well done guys! That and as a BC fan the whole Matty Ice nickname always annoyed me. Why were we insultly our guy?

Les Savy Ferd said...

so what you're telling me is that repressed catholic blue chip quarterbacks are prone to promiscuous behavior with blond and/or slender young ladies in short-shorts? I'm sure the young ladies at BC are too clever to fall for that angle.

The Lazer said...

it would take a lot of his moniker's namesake for me to hit 56. She's not well in the face.

J Money said...

Lazer, you're a filthy liar.