Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Homerism Regional: No. 1 Jet vs. #8 Cardinal – QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

We’ve had nothing but chalk results so far in this tournament. Could this be the matchup that ends up shocking the world? Uh, no. In one corner stands a fully loaded Boeing 747 jet, complete with spiral staircase. In the other, uh, a very small red bird. We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it's posted. Voting is closed. The Jet won with 74 percent of the vote.


-Made of metal
-Typical cruising speed of 555mph
-6,190 cubic feet of cargo space (but for God’s sake, NO NAIL CLIPPERS!)
-195-ft wingspan. Described by many scouts as having great length
-Twin Cuisinart turbine engines come equipped with three speeds for preparing birds: Chop, Puree, And Liquefy
-Maximum range of 7,900 statute miles (yet they insist on flying long distances only in very large, impractical arches, instead of simply in a straight line. Flying over GREENLAND to reach London? That’s kooky.)
-Your choice of free beverage mid-flight
-Manned by hopefully sober pilot who gets 23 days off every month

-Still not really sure how something that heavy remains airborne for any prolonged length of time
-Never enough room in overhead bin
-Easily taken down and/or redirected by stoic Yemeni man armed only with basic packaging equipment
-Not in first class? You’re fucked.
-In-flight movie “Enchanted” whimsical, but not really substantive
-Ever take a really long flight at night and are unable to fall alseep? Christ, it’s depressing
-Gets its shit ruined by a little wind
-Made by Boeing, possibly missing vital valves and/or landing gear
-That fucking beverage cart
-Never enough room for comfortable knee spreading while on airplane can
-Seat ventilation system blasts single jet of frigid arctic oxygen at hair at 900 mph
-Inevitably 90 minutes late to matchup

Entrance Music:
“Aeroplane,” Red Hot Chili Peppers


-+1 Pecking ability
-Will be adored by Will Leitch no matter where it migrates
-Small enough to fit comfortably inside myriad engine flywheels
-Bold red color could possibly scare enemy away. Maybe not
-Rabid ornithological fan base ready to stop any activity at the drop of a hat when in its vicinity (My dad: “Andrew! Andrew! Drop that cocktail! There’s a cardinal out the window!!!!”)
-Has the brains to leave Northeast after October
-Adept at splitting open acorns and various tree nuts
-8-inch wingpsan makes it especially imposing to ants and dandelions
-Vicious tweet could potentially awaken enemy earlier than desired
-Tiny bones make him unattractive to predators who don’t like to work for a meal

-Seriously, this thing is dead fucking meat

Entrance Music:
“I’m Like A Bird,” Nelly Furtado

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!


LOLLY said...

There's nothing witty to say about this contest.

Small, gay, dead meat says it all.

TurleyGirlie said...

This one isn't even fair.

the great bambi said...

wait, if they're in an octagon what's the jet gonna do? it can't maneuver in there, it'd crash and sheer off a wing, all the cardinal has to do is stay out of the way and let the plane run out of gas and/or crash in the tiny confines of the octagon

Pemulis said...

I have nothing to add about this battle, so I'll say this, whenever I see "Let the battle begin" I think of the chairman on Iron Chef America, Mark Dacascos. And I never knew the extent of his badassedness until I stumbled across Double Dragon
on tv recently.

My Insignificant Life said...

Jet weakness: can be tough for getting Mile High Club membership, especially when not in first class.

Citizen 10Cane said...

Sort of ironic that the only opponent who could logically beat the Jet is the Dolphin, who is already eliminated. That plane would have had some real trouble with the underwater environment.

Steve said...

Jet weakness: inanimate

Grimey said...

Interesting fact: I have karaoke'd both those songs

Toastie said...

ah the mighty cardinal, look at 'em, little fella's got a big heart. if you're the basis of a commercial starring a riverboat gambler like jake the snake, I'll roll the dice every time.

Upstate Underdog said...

I'm voting for the Cardinals due to the fact that the Jets are named after one of the gangs in West Side Story.

J said...

I'll take the maneuverability of the cardinals.... ahh what the hell am i talking about the jet has got this one in the bag, which is easily stowed in the overhead bin

Big Daddy Drew said...

@uu, do you have a link to corroborate that? I have to make a correction for next round if that's true.

Upstate Underdog said...

@BDD, I think I read it on Wikipedia or the Jets team name might have something to do with once playing in Shea Satdium close to LaGuardia airport

Steve said...

I just don't see how much damage a jet can do. It sits there looking menacing while the cardinal flutters around tweeting. Jet runs out of gas and is dead. The end.

dead account said...

I thought the jet was gonna be a Harrier jet. This is gonna completely fuck up my bracket.

Unknown said...

@ quiet strength- Even if all the jet does is turn it's engine on (and it was decided that the jet would have at least a pilot), that should be enough to suck the bird in and turn it into a bright red milkshake.

make it snow said...

A cardinal? No chance. A buzzsaw, on the other hand...

gone said...

The Cardinal was my upset pick in my bracket. Fuck.

Wormfather said...

@UU as a Jets fan god I hope that's not true. As a realist, on the possiblilty that it is, I voted for the cardnal.

Upstate Underdog said...

wormfather, it's not true. It was just my lame attempt at being funny.

Pemulis said...

I'll admit that as a jets fan i did indeed make my way to wikipedia with a like, 75% expecting it to be true. You win this round, UU.

Armchair Strong Safety said...

I vote cardinal, bird poop is very acidic and given time will totally wreck the 747's shit.

Otto Man said...

Interesting fact: I have karaoke'd both those songs

It's brave of you to come out on this blog.

I hope the gay mafia can protect you, my son.

Rocco said...

Did Kurt Warner give this Cardinal communion before the fight? I think the hand of God might be being overlooked in this one.

/doesn't like religious folk

Alex Caxide said...

Why is the Jet confined to a 747? The Jets logo depicts a somewhat more streamlined, perhaps warlike aircraft. Something along the lines of a MiG-23 which case the cardinal is royally fucked.

dick_gozinia said...

I have to vote Cardinal here, because this whole "jet" issue makes me uncomfortable. Its totally out of place in a mascot battle and is wrecking my enjoyment of this competition.

/not really

Business Horse said...

Yes, the bird should wait for the jet to run out of gas or something like that. But let's not forget, it's just a fucking retarded bird. It's going to fly directly into the motors or something.

brick. said...

This is a Boing right, chances are it would crash after sucking the cardinal into its air intake, thus killing both.

Leaving only 1 reasonable option, as the contestants are fully healed before each round, the two of them should be merged into 1 uber contestant, some sort of mutant cardinal with jet engines. Sort of like how if you combined both the cardinals and Jets you would get a real NFL team.

Seamus Furr said...

I don't get it. The jet is an inanimate object. It would just sit there. I don't see how it could *intend* to kill anything.

Cardinal by forfeit.

smurphette said...

My grama loves cardinals, but my dad was a pilot in Vietnam. Grama/Leitch vs. Dad . . . Dad wins.

Ethnic Mike said...

I think The Jets should be represented by employees of the TSA. The Cardinal would at least have a fighting chance.

shouldBworkin said...


Jet exhaust on dolphin tank = marine mammal soup.

If the jet wins here it's a free pass to the bear ... GO redbird!!

Les Savy Ferd said...

In a battle between a semi-high ranking papal official and gay-ass street punk with a too-tight leather jacket and wussy little knife I'm going establishment here, cardinal all the way, he'll ex-communicate that sumbitch despite the continued and very annoying finger snapping from the opposition.

Wormfather said...


Those engines can handle a 10 pound bird and keep going.

Steve said...

@smurphette - Does the fact that the Cardinal is the Hoosier state bird make any difference to you? No? Hmpt.

Animal Mother said...

The jet would crush the cardinal, if he didn't arrive 3 hours after the fight was over.

/hoping that isn't the case for his flight tomorrow

Trader Rick said...

That fat, round, thick ass vessel run up in the sky so deep, it be cryin'. Yeah, you thought it was rain!

smurphette said...

@quiet strength: Good point, but since it's the VA bird as well, I think it's a wash. My dad is a Hoosier like me, so I'll stick with the jet.

Man Bear Pig said...

Drewski, a little word of the wise...

Here's a great link for all 32 team name origins.

Also, I laughed my balls off at the "in-flight movie" con.

Weber said...

Isn't the Chili Peppers song a big fucking weakness?

GHABB,Y~! said...

Ask Rudy 9iu11iani how much damage a jet can do. And by damage, I mean serve as the only basis for a presidential campaign.