Friday, March 21, 2008

This Week’s KSK Mock Draft: Movie Endings We’d Like To Change

I’ve seen me a lot of movies. Most are shit. Some are great. And some have the chance to be awesome, only to blindly fuck it up at the end. It’s a bigger letdown than that fucking Belmont game last night (Fucking Belmont. Have you no patience for a decent shot? Yes, I just analyzed a basketball game). Well, that shit needs to come correct. These are movie endings that need to be unfucked. We’re taking away final cut from Mssrs. Shayamalan and Lee and giving their shit movies a badass resolution.

The order:

The rules:
You pick the ending of one movie that you find flawed from a storytelling prospective. You must then say why it's flawed and give me your proper, better ending. Also, no hardcore pornographic endings (you could demand this for any movie), and no endings where everyone dies or something because you hated the whole movie.

Let’s pick. Beware spoilers, of course.

Round 1, Pick 1 – Punter – American Beauty

Punter: The ending of this movie is about what would happen if one of us had changed it. Yeah, being an adult is hard!

Kevin Spacey and F. Lee Ermey actually become a couple (because we all know that's what would happen in real life), then Annettee Benning and Mena Suvari turn to each other for comfort, and then there's a hardcore pornographic ending and everyone dies.

Ape: That's Chris Cooper, not R. Lee


Round 1, Pick 2 – Ape – Return Of The Jedi

Ape: Hey, we just wrapped up a compelling, entertaining trilogy, what not have a bunch of fucking Ewoks prancing around? All the better to sell lunch boxes, right?

How about just before the Emperor gets tossed down some deep pit and gets blowed up, he fires up the Death Star and gets rid of the forest moon of Endor. With him out of the way, the Republic returns to being mired in bureaucracy and the cycle begins anew.

Also, George Lucas gets impaled on a light saber.

Punter: George Lucas wasn't in the fucking movie, Poindexter.

Ape: Oh, I wasn't talking about in the movie.

Maj then asked what a light saber was. He can’t vacation in Colorado again fast enough.

Round 1, Pick 3 – Flubby – Million Dollar Baby

Flub: Hillary Swank gets up from the sucker punch and clocks Billie the Blue Bear with a steel chair. After a tense staredown, they resolve their differences with a dramatic handshake ala Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan when they formed the Mega Powers. After running roughshod over the women's boxing ranks for a few years, they retire to open a chicken and waffle restaurant. Hardcore porn scene, then they kill everyone.

Ape: Nice. I hated her redneck family at the end. Not as much the family themselves, but they transparent way that Eastwood indicates YOU MUST HATE THESE PEOPLE

Round 1, Pick 4 – Ufford – Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King

“After nine hours of a pretty awesome epic trilogy, Peter Jackson removes any and all drama of Sauron's death and the destruction of the ring by having 35 minutes of denouement, most of which is Frodo and Chris Farley Jr eye-fucking each other. Fuck him.

ALTERNATE ENDING: Aragorn fights Sauron naked in a Russian bath house then takes over the Middle Earth mafia.”

Round 1, Pick 5 – Drew – Heat

I wanted De Niro to kill Pacino so badly I almost bit through my own arm after the ending. At the very least, they should have killed each other.

My ending: De Niro blows Pacino away, then meets Amy Brennaman at the airport, bangs her in the shitter, then tears up her ticket as he gets on the plane by himself. No fucking attachments.

Round 1, Pick 6 – Maj – Bamboozled

“I really loved this movie for the first hundred minutes or so, then shit fell apart like a Volkswagen's interior.

Delacroix should have watched the fucking tape at which point he could have teamed up with Big Blak Afrika the Mau Maus to take over the network. Then Michael Rappaport's character could challenge One-Sixteenth Black to a freestyle rap battle for the right to continue living.”

Round 2, Pick 7 – Maj – Contact

“That piece of shit just didn't know when to quit. They had the perfect ending but they kept on pushing. Instead of carrying on with all of the nonsense of the last half hour they could have turned the whole ‘it recorded exactly 13 hours of static’ into a really solid ending. Of course then we'd have to put up with annoying fuckers who can't help but bitch about a movie that doesn't offer ‘closure.’”

Round 2, Pick 8 – Drew – Match Point

Should have ended with the ring bouncing on the railing. Ends there, and it's a fucking masterpiece.

Round 2, Pick 9 – Ufford – A Few Good Men

“Marines don't salute indoors. Period. Dawson can thank Lieutenant Caffey by shaking his damn Scientologist hand.”

Round 2, Pick 10 – Drew (pick vacated by Flubby) – The Color Of Money

I spent two goddamn hours waiting for Paul Newman and Tom Cruise’s big hair to finally square off against one another. So what happens? They get ready to finally play. Newman says, “I’m back,” breaks, and then the picture freezes. Fuck you, Scorsese. Fuck you blind.

My ending: Felson beats Vince, then sodomizes him with the pool cue and the thingamajig you use to rest your cue on when you need to shoot over another ball.

Also: anyone who wears their first name on a t-shirt deserves to be beaten to death with the 11-ball.

Round 2, Pick 11 – Ape – Y Tu Mama Tambien

“Oh, so the 30ish hot Spaniard woman had cancer the whole time thereby justifying her sluttiness? And Gabriel Garcia Bernal and his butt buddy masturbate together and even start kissing towards the end, but supposedly never see each other again after the trip? Bullshit.

My version: The woman sticks around the beach until the developers build the luxury resort, where she becomes a pricey hooker and later a madame. The two college boys get Mexican gay married (like American gay marriage but less fabulouth and, because it's Mexico - more illegal) and change their last name to Charolastra. They eventually cheat on each other with some Italian guys.

Like it wasn't enough that her husband cheated on her, they had to throw in near-death abandon too.

Fucking Catholics.”

I rented that movie at Blockbuster, unwittingly getting the cut down R-Rated version. No guys kissing in that one. But they still had the diving board tandem jerk. Odd.

But then how will I know which agents a potential draft pick might be considering?

Round 2, Pick 12 – Punter –Mr. Brooks

“The dream ending is actually the real ending. Way for them to puss out at the end and make that a dream sequence. Fucking douches.

The dream ending has to be the real ending. It just has to be.”

We’ve left out a few obvious ones here, so please give us some of yours in the comments. Try and pick just one film at a time, then wait 10 movies to pick another.

Fucking Pacino. You weren’t the good guy!


azruavatar said...

V for Vendetta

Natalie Portman gets on the explosives filled train with the dead V and doesn't give the bullshit speech at the end.

The fireworks were great but then everyone needs to put the Guy Fawkes masks back on and start rioting. When was the last time a peaceful protest of a mob numbering in the tens of thousands actually ended peacefully? Never, that's when. Riots are fun and people love to break shit that isn't theirs.

throwbot said...

Planet of the Apes (2001 remake)

Instead of ending up on a planet with an ape version of Washington DC and an ape Lincoln memorial, Marky Mark travels back in time and kills Tim Burton as he steps into his apartment (a la The Departed) right after he has completed Beetlejuice and Batman and before he desecrated one of the greatest sci-fi movies ever with the most retarded ending ever written.

smurphette said...

@Ape: And a happy Good Friday to you, too!

I pick Little Women. I realize that is a very girly pick, but this is personal. Fucking Louisa May Alcott's fucking terrible book destroyed my notions of true love when I was 11, so I'm getting that bitch back in the movie version. Jo doesn't marry the old dude, she marries Laurie, just like she should have. Fuck you, Alcott.

JAMMQ said...

I'm gonna say it, people are gonna get pissed when I say it, but it needs to be said . . . No Country For Old Men.

It's like the Coen brothers drugs ran out for the last 45 minutes of the movie and they were in withdrawal(same thing applies to the guy who wrote the book).

(No alternate ending offered in an attempt to avoid spoiling the movie for those who haven't seen it yet).

Christmas Ape said...


brick. said...


Fuckin badass movie right up until the end,

End the movie when Holliday dies, nobody gives a fuck about that annoying skank Josephine

Alternately, Holliday dies, and Wyatt turns to Kate for comfort, goes on a drinking, fucking, gambling, fucking, murdering and fucking binge

and credits.

JAMMQ said...

A Note On The Rules:

. . . no hardcore pornographic endings (you could demand this for any movie) . . .

Clearly intended for BDD and UM.

. . . no endings where everyone dies or something because you hated the whole movie.

Captain Caveman and MMP, followed by the entire KSK readership.

smurphette said...

@Ape: I get the day off from work just to go to mass and watch basketball all day. Plus, it means Easter is in two days and I get to eat pizza again.

@brick: Word. End that shit after Doc Holliday dies. I usually don't like Val Kilmer that much, but he owns as Doc Holliday.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

La Bamba.
The plane doesn't go down, Richie Valens finishes his 15 minutes of fame, and is reduced to playing music on the street corner for change just to survive for 45 years until finally, starving, dirty, and clap-ridden, the mid-90s nostalgia craze makes him popular in an ironic way and he stars in a Tarantino movie before finally dying of cirrhosis.(This might involve a time machine and altering history, but I'm up for it.)

Pepster said...

My pick - The Abyss

Ending: Stupid little water creature that ruined what could have been a great movie.

Alternate Ending: Absolutely anything. I am not saying that some type of extraterrestrial creature or intelligence can't be used, but that stupid creature was just unnecessary and boring. Ruined the entire movie for me.

Illegal Immigrant said...


I don't give a flying shit if it was based on a real story, Henry Hill totally pussied out at the end and Jimmy Conway is a fucking fake-Irish sleaze bag.

My ending: Hill kills his wife (she was too much of a fucking pain anyway) kills Conway at the diner AND Pauly when he goes to him pathetic and crying. Then goes on a guido-killing spree, steals all their money and books it to Mexico. Fuck witness protection. You don't need protection from anyone if they're all dead.

Steve said...

No picks for me - only a big fucking thank you to Ufford for saving the Lord of the Rings series.

dick_gozinia said...


This is one of the best movies ever....until the fucking end that doesn't make sense....AND IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BOTHER OTHER PEOPLE EXCEPT FOR ME!!!!!!!

Count with me peoples....

Dies for "Envy" - Kevin Spacey...because he envied Brad Pitt's life.

Dies for "wrath" - >>crickets<< The only other person who dies at the end is Pitt's wife with unborn child, and she wasn't guilty of that sin.

So...WTF Seven?

The only way this movie works and knocks off the 7th sin as properly as the first 6 is as follows....

1. Pitt shoots Spacey, thus completing the "envy" death.

2. Pitt then (realizing there is nothing left to live for) shoots himself in the head, completing the "wrath" death.

3. The big reveal is that the head in the box was a fake and his wife is just tied up in their apartment.


\glad to have forum to vent as this has bothered me for years

Steve said...

...although just going with Tolkien's may have worked also...

Big Daddy Drew said...

illegal immigrant, you're gonna fuck with the ending of Goodfellas?

I'll take the original.

DougOLis said...

Lost in Translation

Bill Murray, you sir a fucking idiot. You get some nice young poon in Scarlett Johansson, whisper in here ear, and leave a kick-ass country. Moron. Go back and bang the shit out of her.

Anonymous said...

@BDD - Spot on with the Match Point ending. That movie would have been awesome if it ended right there

Big Daddy Drew said...

Mystic River

Tim Robbins DOES end up having killed the daughter. The stupid coincidence at the end was unnecessary. And none of this king of the neighborhood gangster sex at the end. That was retarded.

rusrus said...

Glengarry Glen Ross

...Alec Baldwin needed to come back in at the end and give another speech. Classic.

J. Ro said...

I choose the original ending to Clerks. Dante gets shot in a botched robbery that ironically wouldn't have claimed him because he wasn't supposed to be there that day. Granted that means no Clerks 2 but fuck it, that movie was only funny for like a grand total of 12 minutes anyways.

dick_gozinia said...

@bdd - good call on Mystic River. The end bugged the crap out of me too.

Adam said...

It's a Wonderful Life.

Jimmy Stewart realizes he's hallucinating, grows depressed, and jumps into the river. Then I don't have to avoid watching network television in December for the next hundred years for fear of watching this sappy crapfest.

JAMMQ said...


The whole movie is bullshit.

Alternate Ending: College football is integrated in the 1960's, and Rudy and the rest of the lilly-white Fighting Irish are completely housed by East Tennesee State or some other school.

The legend of Notre Dame dies five decades earlier, and I don't have to watch Brady Quinn in a Home Depot commercial.

Steve said...

I Am Legend

Just follow the fucking book! Is that so fucking hard? Will Smith? Fuck you!

2/3 of that movie is OK. Then some random chick and kid show up talking about God. GOD? FUCK.YOU.

Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ. This book has been produced three times into a movie and they fuck it up every time.

Alternate ending: he's drunk, crazy and double crossed by a woman, ends up dead. FIN!

the great bambi said...

Saving Private Ryan

yeah war sucks and all and good people die, but why the fuck did tom hanks, tom sizemore, and the sniper Jackson have to die and that pussy stain Upham live? fuck that, hell half their squad dies because Upham can't get them ammo cuz he's cowering in corners and cuz he let the fuckin German POW go,

real ending:

they defend the town/bridge, fall back, P-51s blow up the tanks, jackson's blown up (still sucks) along with some of the guys from Ryan's squad, Sizemore's wounded, Upham gets shot by Tom Hanks as he tries to flee the battle, they save ryan, hanks goes to teach english and writes a book called "the biggest pussy i ever knew" which inspires every boy in america to never grow up to be a metrosexual douche

dick_gozinia said...

Saving Private Ryan -

Its a friggin brilliant picture except for Jeremy Davies character of the pansy interpreter.

This group of soldiers goes on an epic mission and eventually (inevitably?) the pussy has to dust off his rifle and shoot the most evil prick in the movie.

Two things to change here...

1. Davies guts the fuckbag German unmercifully and remembers that he actually owns a sack.

2. Barry Pepper's sniper character dodges the tank blast in the clock tower and lives, because he was the coolest character in that platoon.

Spielberg is next on my list, also.

dick_gozinia said...

@bambi - great minds.....

the great bambi said...

hahaha, amen

Anonymous said...

A.I. - The movie was about 3 hours too long to begin with but why Steven Spieldberg couldnt just end it with the boy in the ocean staring at the fairy is beyond me. He has to jump to the future where aliens resurrect his body and set up a perfect little world for him. BULL SHIT. Screw you Spieldberg

the great bambi said...

and since it's agreed that Jackson was awesome, he lives the final battle, is parachuted into Berlin a week later and is "anywhere up to and includin' one mile of Adolf Hitler with a clear line of sight, sir... pack your bags, fellas, war's over. Amen."

The End

Pragmatic Liberal said...

Godfather II

When Fredo gets it, there is a second gunshot, from a sniper in the woods. It's aimed at Michael in his study. Mary has just come in to find out why her brother wasn't allowed to fish. The bullet misses Michael, but pops little Mary right between the eyes. Saving us from Sophia Coppola. If you need a love interest for Vincent in III have Michael adopt some Irish girl.

smurphette said...

@jammq: Blasphemy! Sorry to burst your bubble, but Notre Dame football was integrated in the 1950's and all of our national championship teams since then have featured great players, black and white. That said, I realize that Rudy is hokey and absurd.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

"all of our national championship teams since then have featured great players, black and white."

The Fighting Irish hate Asian people. I KNEW it!

SlideShow Bob said...

Amen Undead Zombie, that book is the balls. Although i think that The Omega Man has its charms (Chuck Heston for g-ds sakes!)

Big Daddy Drew said...

Stranger Than Fiction

Crick dies.

smurphette said...

@wwsm: You got me there. Um, just kidding - I rove Hines Wald!

SlideShow Bob said...

Face Off

Get rid of that ridiculous Boat chase ending. And the fact that thats the craziest thing in a movie based on the premise that u can lop off guys faces and switch them, is incredible.

My ending Castor wins.

dick_gozinia said...

Munich (in honor of good friday)

Spielberg, you suck.

From everything I've ever read about the Jewish Assassin Squad (not their real names...but should be!) that went after the Black September terrorists, they were not "conflicted" about their roles in bringing sweet death to those pricks.

As a matter of fact, the whole existential conflict that the Eric Bana goes through, and the whole "violence begets violence" rhetoric that spots the end of the movie just needs to be removed.

Jews fuck up Black September conspirators, salute the Star of David and go home.

Roll credits.

Otto Man said...

Stranger Than Fiction

Crick dies.

Wait, are you really Emma Thompson?

JAMMQ said...

Sorry to burst your bubble, but Notre Dame football was integrated in the 1950's and all of our national championship teams have featured great players, black and white.

Notre Dame(and college football) in the 1950's was as integrated as an episode of The Smurfs.

Otto Man said...

The Spielberg remake of "War of the Worlds."

Look, it's bad enough that the Asshole Teenage Son who goes charging off into a major battle with tanks and spaceships somehow comes out of it unscathed and beats his father and sister back to the safety of the Boston brownstone (which is also miraculously untouched).

But then Spielberg has to get even extra implausible by showing us that Grandma and Grandpa -- who we haven't even fucking seen yet! -- are still alive and well too.

Spielberg, dude, you're allowed to kill characters in your movies. Capt. Quinn says do it for him.

In my ending, the son dies as expected and then Dakota Fanning is eaten by rabid wolves. And when the aliens start dying off, Tom Cruise gets into one of their ships and realizes that the alien overlord was none other than L. Ron Hubbard, leading a thetan army.


Fade out.

DMtShooter said...

Die Hard

Alan Richman offers to split the money with Bruce Willis, since he's taking care of all of his overhead. Willis looks out at the clueless FBI and cops, and realizes that he's set for life if he does the deal. They shake, then Bonnie Bedelia kills Willis, and asks Hans if he'd like some company. Being evil now means she can finally stop being frumpy and show some chest and leg. Hans goes for it, and they leave for a lifetime of dirty, dirty sex, with the possibility of betrayal always in the background.

Voila! All crappy sequels gone, the real hero of the movie wins, and we get a hot nasty babe out of it. Everybody wins.

Pepster said...

Last Temptation of Christ.

Forgot about the whole parading, crucifixion and burial on a Friday followed by a "resurrection" on a Sunday bit.

Alternate ending: The crowd chooses to save Jesus instead of Barrabas, and Jesus goes back to his followers for some beer.

/going to hell

/realizes I am going to hell.

Christmas Ape said...

The Wire series finale.

I don't care if it's not a movie! So many loose threads! Templeton winning a Pulitzer isn't plausible!

the great bambi said...

@ dmtshooter

but how do they get away? the C4 has been used, the hostages are still alive to testify the terrorists weren't on the roof and dead in the explosion, and the limo driver took out their means of escape in the ambulance

John S. said...

Pretty Woman - I had to sit throught this piece of crap THREE DIFRFERENT TIMES on THREE DIFFERENT DATES.

This is the ending I wanted to see each time:

Richard Gere does not come back to get Julia Roberts because she is a whore. Fin.

SlideShow Bob said...

yah, ill take the regular Die Hard ending. except maybe how did the German guy live?

Plus it coould hav used more FBI guys getting blown up.

DMtShooter said...

@ Bambi

Come on, Richman's a genius, Bedelia suddenly has Evil Hotness, and every cop that isn't Willis is as dumb as a post. Have a little faith.

Also, to be fair, the Willis-Bedelias shouldn't have had kids in this version. I'm not saying moms can't be evil. I'm just saying they can't be hot.

/ married with kids and ducking

Armchair Strong Safety said...

The Matrix

Neo doesn't make it out of the Matrix, they EMP-fry his head in order to save themselves from the squids. Not that I didn't like the Matrix, but killing Neo off means no sequels, which totally blew.

the great bambi said...

the german guy lived so carl winslow could shoot him

Otto Man said...

Templeton winning a Pulitzer isn't plausible!

Yes, a liar journalist would never ever be awarded or even considered for a Pulitzer Prize.

the great bambi said...

@ dmtshooter

stifler's mom disagrees

whowillsexmutombo? said...

@Christmas Ape -

Carcetti loses the statewide election, Rawls doesn't get the state police job, the Marlo case goes to trial since there's no reason to be afraid of bad PR at this point, McNulty and Freeman go to jail, Rhonda gets dis-barred, Marlo and crew all walk (except for Chris) because of "fruit of the tainted tree" (I said "taint!"), Marlo comes after the guys he sold the connection to, and we have another huge turf war that sets up a movie.

To Be Continued.

Steve said...

@pepster - Great choice. I haven't seen the movie, but read the book. Awesome.

Along those same lines, I choose the future ending of the Left Behind movie series. Carpathia wins.

Christmas Ape said...


It's not the fact that he makes shit up that's implausible, it's the fact that all the glaring warning signs (and there are many) are willfully ignored. I understand that's the point, but it done in a very ham-fisted way. Also, the homeless vet who disputed his whole account is still around. What's more: even laying aside the fabrications, what great reporting did Templeton turn out? Features about kids on opening day. A press conference where he doesn't get a quote from the mayor?

dick_gozinia said...

I'm going a little off the board here for my next pick.

Gus Van Sant's ELEPHANT

Overall, this is such a horrendously written and vacant look at high school shootings and Columbine, in particular. But the ending bothered me in ways I can't possibly describe in angry enough terms.

So two kids in black trench coats unceremoniously start plugging their entire school one day. But what could possibly have driven them to this?

Van Sant presupposes that they are warped because they played a shitload of violent first person shooter video games and...(big twist shocker ending) were secretly gay. That's why they fuck in the shower 10 minutes before they leave for high school target practice.

There's no cookie cutter explanation for school shootings, but Van Sant's overrated ass takes some of the dumbest stereotypes and makes them the face of all school shooters. Dickhead.

Real ending...nobody really knows why the fuck they did it and no gay sex in the shower. Stupid fucking movie...figured it won Best film at Cannes.

Ken Dynamo said...


1) Loudain Swain does not have to get buck naked to make weight. stripping to tighty whiteys is enough.

2) since only loudain's match against shute is over after he wins and not the whole team meet, they actually show the rest of the fucking competition, which goes down to the wire and forrest whitekar, the heavyweight, pins to win.

3) loudain has a 3some with carla AND the high school newspaper editor who has two scenes and then is forgotten about completely.

4) the combination of drastic weight cutting and the all night suck and fuckfest leaves loudain too dehydrated and he dies.

5) the crazy mohawk guy looks up into the sky while straddling his motorcycle and screams whyyyyyyyyy!?!?! Coach and the Chef look at each other, shrug and say "fuckin kids today." Gramps sits in his rocking chair in eastern washington, lights a spliff and then shoots the postman for being a federal oppressor trying to occupy his territory.

what a great movie. im going to go watch it again.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

True Romance, Tarantino's original ending was much better; or else you have Val Kilmer as Elvis show up and Tim Roth, Don Cheadle, Steve Buscemi and Jack White beat the ever living shit out of Kilmer's Elvis. Brad Pitt get's stoned thinks it's hilarious. END.

TH said...

Spider-man 3

Venom doesn't die, he escapes and kills Sandman on a powertrip. MJ still hates Peter, and Spidey 4 is spent on Peter trying to redeem himself.

John S. said...

Titanic - Thankfully, I only had to sit through this one once in the theater.

Bill Paxton sees that old biddy about to drop the jewel in the ocean and knocks her out with a haymaker. She goes over instead of the jewel and Bill Paxton makes that same little "ooo" sound she did.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

* Oh, and Roth, Cheadle, Buscemi, and White are made to look like the Beatles.

Otto Man said...

Ape, I'll agree that the whole Sun plotline was ham-handed, but it's not totally implausible.

Apparently people raised all sorts of objections with Kelley and it happened there too. As I understand it, you get Pulitzer nominations on a single story, and the larger body of work done by any one reporter isn't considered.

Actually, if I were going to change anything about the ending, it'd be the guy who wrote the story on Bubbles getting the Pulitzer for that, and McNulty killing Templeton and leaving his bitten naked body on Steindorf's front lawn with a red ribbon around his wrist.

Christmas Ape said...

That's true about the Pulitzer process. But it doesn't make sense why the top editors would side with Templeton against Gus Haynes. Templeton is roundly disliked around the newsroom and Haynes is a reputed editor with no cause for suspicion. It just doesn't add up.

Justin said...


I could be wrong about Seven but I think the wife dies as a result of envy (Kevin Spacey's sin) and then Kevin Spacey dies as a result of wrath (Brad Pitt's sin). I know that means that it's not the sinner dying for the individual sin but that's the only way it makes sense. If you remember, it's the hooker that dies as a result of lust and not the guy who lusts after her and hires her....

\needs to smoke another bowl

dick_gozinia said...

@ eddie griffin -

Then how do you explain the lawyer dying for greed or the fat bastard dying for gluttony? They committed those sins and then died for it. The logic of the killer (John Doe) is all fucked up.

Burt Destruction said...


Mel Gibson realizes that they are going to die anyways, so they might as well fight it out instead of sitting in the basement. He and his family rig the outside of the house swiss family robinson style, and load up on munitions. They kill all the aliens until Mel has to fight the biggest one on the front lawn in a knife fight while wearing a gas mask. The alien and Mel stab eachother in the gut at the same time. Family starts crying, Mel stops breathing, fade to black. Fin

J. Ro said...

He Got Game: The ending should be that Jake Shuttlesworth gets killed as soon as he steps out of bounds (litterally and figuratively). That would have solidified the point of that plot line. Plus that basketball ending pisses me off. Symbolism or not, nobody can throw a basketball from a prison rec yard in to a gym with now windows. That shit got under my skin when I first saw it and has been there ever since.

the great bambi said...

@ christmas ape

look at this, this is Chewbacca Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk but Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor, now think about it...that does not make sense! why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? that does not make sense! but more important, you have to ask yourself: what does this have to do with this case? Nothing.

the great bambi said...

@ dick

well he is insane so why should his logic make sense?

dick_gozinia said...


A horrendous pile of shit that beats you over the head with its "message" about how fucked the healthcare system is.

It is???? Really??? I had no idea...thank God they made an ideological piece of shit movie to beat me over the head with.

Proper Ending:

Denzel's kid needs a heart so he sits on the operating table and shoots himself in the fucking head so his kid can have his. He then falls off the table and is impaled on a large conspicuously-placed spike....right through his heart. The irony!!!

The kid bites it immediately afterwards and everybody shrugs and leaves. Because fuck them....self important assholes. You think your kid is the only person on the transplant waiting list? Fuck you Denzel.

dick_gozinia said...

@ bambi

Because the movie rests on the killer's plot being so "clever" and "well thought out". And its all bullshit. Do you die because you commit the sin or does somebody else die because you commit the sin? That shit actually doesn't matter, because NOBODY DIES FROM WRATH! Spacey dies because he was guilty of envy. He even says, "My sin is envy" right before Mills airs him out.

Otto Man said...

Templeton is roundly disliked around the newsroom and Haynes is a reputed editor with no cause for suspicion. It just doesn't add up.

As Gus says in a speech, they're all looking to get the prize and get out. They don't care what anyone working there thinks of them.

Pragmatic Liberal said...

They should show Brad Pitt getting killed in a prison shower room rape/shanking scene.

Then he could die because of his wrath.

You know the cons would just loooooooove his pretty boy police ass in jail.

Otto Man said...


I thought it was pretty clear that Brad Pitt is the one who'll die from wrath. He executes a prisoner in his custody in full view of dozens of witnesses, so he's going to get the chair.

dick_gozinia said...

@otto man

Point taken, but then why does Gwennie die? And I don't think its a foregone conclusion that Mills will die in prison...he's got a hell of a temporary insanity defense.

John S. said...

Pitt and Gwennie (and the kid) symbolized hope.

Hope dies when Pitt executes Spacey.

Pepster said...

Any Mel Brooks movie, but for the draft's purposes, I'll take Blazing Saddles.

A hilarious, laugh out loud, low brow, scatalogical humor movie that is practically ruined by the stupid fight scene across all of the movie/television sets at the studio. Mel Brooks just doesn't know how to end his films.

Proposed alternate ending: The townsfolk win the fight over the town (hooray), Hadley Lamar and Governor Lepetomane are humiliated and thrown from office where an unknowing federal official names Bart Governor on the recommendation of Howard Johnson.

The End.

Ben N. said...

taking off of john s. a little bit...

If you are just looking at the colors in the film, the only two people that are constantly shown in bright lights or wearing light are Paltrow's character and Doe. Paltrow is what makes the world a good place, and Doe is why the fight is worth it. Paltrow is dead, hope is dead, the world is no longer a good place. But there will always be another Doe, so the fight will always be there - that's why Somerset doesn't resign.

@ Dick, yeah, there are some discrepancies at the end with the sins, but I think you have to accept Doe as the dead embodiment of envy and Mills as the dead embodiment of wrath. If anything, he's dead inside - a completely broken man. It's not hard to extrapolate that his own wrath overpowers him, or that he dies in prison, or society destroys him, or he gets the chair, etc.

If I were going to change this movie at all, it would be to give John C. McGinley a bigger role a la ending of Platoon. There, I said it.

dick_gozinia said...

My whole view of the film SEVEN is that it banks on an airtight master plan of the diabolical serial killer, John Doe. But it unravels when they don't tie up the plot that they're clearly pushing towards.

Anyway...onwards and upwards.


No remorse and soliloquy from Patrick Bateman at the end, just more ridiculous chainsaw and nailgun killings and threesomes with hookers. Its almost the perfect movie.

Bateman - "I'm in murders and executions mostly."

Dumb Girl - "Mergers and Acquisitions?"

Brave Sir Robin said...

The Departed

Everyone gets shot in the head? What the hell? How is that even remotely explained since there are four cops there and three of them get shot in the head from point blank range?

Better ending: Dicaprio doesn't run out of the police station. He waits until Damon confirms his legitimacy then turns Matt Damon in for being the mole.

Alternatively: After getting confirmed, DiCaprio beats Damon within an inch of his life in the station.

Unknown said...


add dog with shifty eyes.. move people in fast forward and cut off the president's head with the seal

(how has this not come up yet? or did i miss it?)

Unknown said...

The Program

Ending: ESU beats Georgia Tech (Wow! GTech!)to get into what is likely a very crappy bowl game considering they lost to Iowa AND Michigan.

Alternate ending: They have to forfeit their entire season because the NCAA's investigation finally reveals that ESU is just a made up university.
-Coach Winters (Jimmy Caan) gets the clap from a prototypically Italian looking chick on the 3rd floor of some New York brownstone while the ESU team stands guard at the door. He receives word that his daughter (Joey Lauren Adams aka Fingercuffs) was beat up by Lattimer after he relapses on roids.
-Winters beats Lattimer senseless with the top from a metal trashcan then collapses unconcscious into a street gutter.
-Alvin Mack (the dude that breaks his leg) gets a 9 year, $93 million contract from the Oakland Raiders.
-Joe Kane dies of cirrhosis of the liver at age 31. Camille Shafer (Kristy Swanson) can no longer make ends meet. She stars in a series of gonzo porn movies before founding the real Eastern State University which offers online degrees in Hospitality Management and certificates in Dental Assistant and Criminal Justice.

Matt Johnson said...

Gladiator -

Have Maximus actually storm Rome with his army. He takes Rome, then he takes Commodus' sister, whatever her name is, into the Coloseum and thunders her while thousands watch.

I heard once that my ending (without the sister thing) was actually the original plan.

Big Daddy Drew said...

No one took Cast Away?

JakesAlterEgo said...

Because it's beautiful and perfect!

/cried the first time he saw it.

Anonymous said...

Well Drew, the obviou8s finish to Cast Away would be for Tom Hanks to push Helen Hunt aside the moment they reunited, head over to a Target and buy some kind of Nerf ball. He would then paint it to look like a volleyball, carve out a dick-sized hole in the middle, and call it "Wilsonette."

The End

Man Bear Pig said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Man Bear Pig said...

@ J.L.

You scare me.

@ Dick

We must move forwards, not backwards. Upwards, not forwards, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

Anyway, the movie I choose is: Death of a Salesman.

Salesman has a twin brother who wants revenge.

Lisa: Revenge? But, doesn't he kill himself?
Joe: No, no, that's what you were led to believe. He was killed by the CIA for selling smack... to Nazis...

/vows never to use Hamster style again.

Gern said...

Good call on "No Country", lame ending. Horrible call on Vision Quest, great movie, great ending.

Ben said...

Pay It Forward

Instead of just Trevor dying at the end (what a random-ass ending by the way), a meteor hits the set of the film and kills everyone involved in making this piece of shit.

TJ said...

Unbreakable. It was actually a decent ending, only GET RID OF THE FUCKING SCROLL AT THE END. You've just spent an entire movie on a pretty good superhero/supervillian origin story, don't fuck it up with a "and the superhero eventually wins" comment at the end of the movie. God Dammit M. Night. Also, the kid needs to die.

Unknown said...

Snake Eyes. It begins and ends with Snake Eyes. The entire movie sets up Nick Cage as a dirty, corrupt, petty, thieving, cop. He is offered mad cash to go away and let the bad guys win.

So instead he instantly changes the very nature of his being and becomes a hero? No F'n Way.

Shoulda been ending - Cage walking down a hallway with a suitcase of money, muffled gunshots from behind a door and....credits.

ben said...

@undead zombie: Preach it, bro. My girlfriend and I saw it on IMAX, praying it would be loyal to the original (and the Vincent Price version), and went out swearing like animals. They took a perfectly good story and fucked it all to hell. The point is the EXACT OPPOSITE of the book. Damn them and damn Will Smith.

@troy: I always thought I was the only one who liked that movie except for that scroll. Glad I am not alone. Let's go prance on a beach somewhere.

Jeff K said...

"Children Of Men".

This movie pissed me off because it builds up all this tension, the protagonist somehow escapes with the baby from the apartment building from hell . . . and then it just ends with a "meh".

New ending: flash-forward and show the baby grown up with a family of her own. She runs a fertility clinic, and they reveal the father of her offspring to be: Clive Owen. Therefore, all kids that populate the planet from now on are descendants of Clive Owen.

(It's up for you to decide if that's a nightmare ending or not.)

J Money said...


Solid cast, cool/creepy story... people dying myseriously at a run-down motel during a nighttime rainstorm, crazy, what-the-fuck-is-happening-here element to it... and then it ends with us learning that each of the characters is one of the personalities of a crazy fucker. What a letdown.

Change it so that somehow, these people actually all exist and there's a better reason for them all dying... and not one that only a grad assistant in a fucking Abnormal Psych class could appreciate.

Also, add an Amanda Peet hardcore porn scene.