Construda Regional: No. 3 Raider vs. #6 Chief – QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

We can’t seem to get a real nail-biter in these matchups so far. Perhaps this contest, the first of two Pirate-Indian tangos in Round 1, will offer a bit of swashbuckling excitement. In one corner stands the always-dangerous Raider, who is unafraid of both confrontation and taking little Jimmy Hawkins under the poop deck for a hearty meat swabbin’. In the other, the proud Chief: expert in guerilla warfare and knowing the best time of night for stealing white women. We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it's posted. Voting is closed. The Chief won with 59 percent of the vote.

RAIDER


Strengths:
-Armed
-Eyepatch lets you know he’s tough!
-Spent years building up immunity to iocaine powder
-Skilled at barging into places, things, women
-Shiny jewelry has ability to reflect sun’s bright rays, distract opponent
-Does a fabulous rendition of “Pour O Pour the Pirate Sherry!”
-Detachable pegleg useful for plugging an opponent’s “bilge pump”, if you get my drift
-Can map out accurate punches strictly by observing the movement of Cassiopeia in the southern sky
-Will steal all your rum and not give a what!
-Bowlegged stance helps with leverage

Weaknesses:
-One eye
-ARRRRRRR! THESE JOKES BE GETTIN’ OLD, SAYS I!!!
-Parrot perched atop shoulder may inadvertently give away fight plan prior to matchup in a comical bit of unintended mimicry
-Extremely reliant on casting. Are we talking a Bill Nighy sort of Raider? Then he’d be pretty tough. But Orlando Bloom or Matthew Modine? Fuck that limp asshole.
-Skull and crossbones flag might be a bit more imposing if it weren’t named “Jolly Roger”, which sounds like a kind of hard candy
-Superiority versus ninja still undetermined
-Enjoys singing of sea shanties
-Wouldn't last three seconds in Oakland proper looking like that
-Not as badass when 50% of all kids dress like you for Halloween

Entrance Music:
“Rime Of The Ancient Mariner,” Iron Maiden

CHIEF


Strengths:
-Savage
-Bitter
-Ability to be confused with pretty much any other race
-Handy with a bow
-Handy with a blowgun
-Handy with a tomahawk
-Handy with a pillow for smothering
-Handy with throwing a water fountain through a window
-Handy with sorghum crops
-War paint > pirate eyeliner
-When the Grey Hair is dead, Magua will eat his heart. Before he dies, Magua will put his children under the knife, so the Grey Hair will know his seed is wiped out forever.
-Did you read that last quote? Jesus. This fucker means business.

Weaknesses:
-Booze
-Influenza
-Games of chance
-Heavily reliant on timely welfare check
-Never remembers to consult lawyer prior to signing large land deals
-Red skin makes him noticeably visible outside woodland environment
-Possibly high on stewed coyote poop
-All-pemmican diet prompts frequent mid-fight bathroom breaks

Entrance Music:
“YMCA,” Village People

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!