Monday, March 17, 2008

The KSK Real NFL Mascot Kill Kill Kill Invitational Tournament

It’s NCAA tournament time, which means that, in addition to filling out your actual bracket, you will now be deluged with hundreds upon hundreds of phony “mock” brackets designed specifically to waste your time: Hottest Chick Brackets, World’s Awesomest Drummer Brackets, Favorite Whole Grain Brackets, etc. The king of these phony brackets is, of course, the outstanding Name Of The Year. But there’s no reason we at KSK can’t get in on the gimmickry. We were BORN to do something this trivial and idiotic.

And so we have devised quite possibly the dumbest mock bracket of all: Yes, it's the The KSK Real NFL Mascot Kill Kill Kill Invitational Tournament!

That's right, you whores: it's a 32-entrant Battle Royale to determine which actualized individual NFL team mascot would emerge champion in a series of head-to-head matchups. Can a REAL Redskin beat a REAL Cowboy? I think history has already proven the answer to that question (WHITE PEOPLE RULE!). Ah, but what about a REAL Bear versus a REAL Viking, with a frothing mouth and two-sided battle axe? Aw, yeah. Now we’re fucking talking.

Click on the bracket to enlarge it, then print it out, and fill out your choices. I suggest you fill out this bracket only after smoking a very large bowl, for these sorts of arguments make far more sense when you're higher than fucking Redman. All week, we’ll be polling the first round matchups, all the way through to the championship three weeks from now. But first, an explanation of seeding from the Selection Committee. We had to think hard about this. And thinking hard is hard!

That's why we abandoned our deliberations early and arranged the bracket in a completely arbitrary fashion. Which is how the Giant ended up only a 2-seed and what not. But fuck it, that'll just make for more pointless arguin'. Seedings aside, here are my overall rankings of the field, in accordance with the real-life inspiration for each team’s nickname.

1. Titan
2. Jet
3. Giant

4. Bear
5. Lion
6. Bengal
7. Jaguar
8. Panther

9. Buccaneer
10. Raider (These would be armed pirates, like in the movies. Yes, they're bloodthirsty, ruthless bands of scallywaggers, but they're still kinda swishy)
11. Viking (NOTE: The Viking was made a 1-seed due to my disgusting and blatant homerism)

Flubby: How can the Raider be ranked behind the team that stole their gimmick (the Bucs)?

Ape: Only a true pirate can steal pirate gimmicks from another pirate.

It's also worth noting that the Buccaneer has TWO eyes, while Raider has only one.

12. Cowboy
13. Texan (Punter: “I'm thinking of Texan as an inhabitant of the Republic of Texas, which existed from 1836 to 1845.”)
14. Patriot (Let's assume it's revolutionary guy who looks like the dude on the Samuel Adams bottle. I can't remember what that dude's name is. I think it's Miles Standish.)

15. Chief
16. Redskin

Punter: Do Redskins and Chiefs both own casinos? They could finance some fine armaments if they did.

Me: No, they live in a teepee and have only blowguns and tomahawks to defend themselves. This draft will be done according to most basic stereotype.

17. Falcon
18. Eagle
19. Seahawk

20. 49er
21. Steeler
22. Bill (Buffalo Bill Cody, when he was alive)
23. Brown (Paul Brown, when he was alive)
24. Packer

Ape: At first I was upset that the prospector was above the steelworker, but then he does have that fucking pickax

25. Colt
26. Bronco
27. Charger (I did NOT know a Charger was a kind of horse before “researching” for this)

Things Fondled By Jack Hanna
28. Dolphin
29. Raven (Ape: “It has a terrifying literary tradition, sure, but any human could make short work of one.”)
30. Ram

Punter: A Dolphin could kick Paul Brown’s ass. Dolphins are vicious, Drew. Don't let their pretty bottle noses deceive you!

Me: You've watched Treehouse of Horror XI too many times. Dolphins are fucking homos.

Just As Weak And Helpless As The Team They Represent
31. Cardinal
32. Saint

These matchups will take place… IN AN OCTAGON!

Punter: How do you fit a fucking jet inside an Octagon?

Me: It’s a really big Octagon.

Also, our aquatic friend Flipper will be able to fight from inside a tank placed in the Octagon. And no vessels for the rapers and pillagers. They must get by on their own guile!

There’s also the issue of the jet. We argued about what kind of jet because there’s a difference between a French Concorde and a fucking fighter jet.

Ufford: Something to keep in mind about the Jets: a jet is simply an airplane with a turbine engine. You're not going to be getting an F/A-18 prepped for combat. But that engine is gone fuck any bird mascots. Could make for an interesting matchup.

Punter argued it should be a passenger jet on a kamikaze mission.

Ape: Wouldn't the Jet be disqualified after the first round, considering it has to destroy itself to beat an opponent?

This is why we came up with the rule that each mascot is fully healed by the next matchup.

Ape: What good is an unmanned jet? They aren't sentient beings, you know. Couldn't one of the human mascots crash it while parachuting out ahead of time?

Me: The Jet is manned! And it's a fucking Harrier Jet.

Ufford: (no doubt quoting from some military site he jerks off to) Harriers, AKA "Scariers" AKA "Widowmakers" have a notorious tendency to lose an engine during Vertical Takeoff/Landing (VTOL), resulting in the plane flipping upside down as it crashes into the ground/carrier deck. They also have short "time on station" due to limited fuel capacity and can only carry two 500-lb bomb -- half the payload of the average attack jet.

Me: Fucking Ufford with his military know-how. Paul Brown would kick your ass, sailor boy.

Let's just say the jet is a manned airplane with a turbine engine and no weaponry.

As you can see, laying the groundwork for seedings and rules proved an incredible challenge. No imaginary bracket for jackasses is perfect, but this is our best effort. And by best effort, I mean AN effort. Thankfully, the Maj was out of town, so he couldn’t find some retard way of shoehorning Ricardo Mayorga into this or something.

So get ready to vote. We’ll be posting individual matchups all month long, along with completely half-assed photoshops, detailed matchup analysis and tales of the tape, and video of each mascot in killing action when possible.

Let’s get killin’!


Mongo said...

Cardinal goes to Taco Bell before 1st round match. Resulting gastrointestinal distress makes for a completely obscured windshield on the jet which then crashes almost immediately after takeoff. (not that it matters, it's going to get eaten by something in the 2nd round and all the New York fans are still pretending they liked the Giants more all along)

SlideShow Bob said...

werent the Titans the forebearers to the G-ds? i think if u had like Kronos or any of those other giants all pwerful beings then things would be a lil diffrent

/beats off to Hercules and Xena.

John S. said...

Damn. I was hoping that you would have the Bear v. Saint match up so I could pull out Saint Corbinian.

Armchair Strong Safety said...

Buffalo Bill Cody was a marksman with a long rifle, shouldn't he be higher than Steely McBeam and some random dude with a pick who speaks in random frontier gibberish?

Eric said...

Saint Corbinian is a homo and his horse is dead. Which also means any bear V. horse contests should already be decided.

Roy said...

Seedings all fucked up---Saints, with the ability to perform miracles--and a fresh bill of health after each match obvious easy winner!

elbuzzard said...

Saints are all flaming swords and hand of god, melting off faces of Nazis.

Hell, Satan was a saint. St. Patrick and his beer was a saint.

I don't see how they can be stopped. Real saints, I mean. Off the football field.

Les Savy Ferd said...

this is going to be awesome.

Captain Caveman said...

The Bear is actually Nicolas Cage in a bear suit.

Otto Man said...

"And now, the pride of the United States Air Force -- the British made Harrier jump jet!"

JAMMQ said...

Speaking as a Bills fan, I think that Algonquin Round Table you've got going messed up(again).

Everyone knows the Bills mascot belongs in either the:

-"Hunted By The White Man To Extinction" bracket, the

-"They Made Good Coats" bracket, or my favorite,

-"Just As Weak And Helpless As The Team They Represent" bracket.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Titan go smash!

Justin said...

There isn't enough pot in the world for this...

Jen P said...

I think allowing the Dolphin to play all of its matches in the water will pretty much let it win its division. In the water, Dolphins can take out an fn shark.

oldefreddjung said...

So if the jet sucks a bird down its engine, and crashes, but turns the bird into dust in the process, who wins? t

Spud Randall said...

Saints = George Mason?

ReelBigDave said...

The inclusion of the Chargers in the category of gay horses is wrong... it's short for "superchargers". in which case, it would go head-2-head against the detroit pistons in the "random car engine parts matchup" but that's a discussion for another dime bag.

Tracer Bullet said...

Nuts. I wanted to see what a bolt of lightning would do to a buffalo.

Rant_Casey said...

Everybody out of the Pool! It's James, the nigga hatin' dolphin!

Spud Randall said...

I always thought of them as more like cell phone Chargers, but with LT.

Crosshare said...

I foresee some atrocious (and by atrocious I mean awesome of course) photoshopping of these results. *puts money on bear*

Steve said...

I think the Chargers would be more like a calvary. Barron Hilton says about when he named the team:

"I liked it because they were yelling 'charge' and sounding the bugle at Dodgers Stadium and at USC games."

/thinking way too hard

Wormfather said...

As a Jets fan, Ufford's explination of the Harrier is spot on with what our team is like.

The Jets' Jet is without a doubt have a problem with self destruction.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Shenanigans! If "Brokeback Mountain" taught me anything, it's that cowboys belong in the "Homosexual By Necessity" division. The necessity... of their passion... that no one could deny.

brad said...

I hate to sound serious, but why is the 1-8 winner playing the 2-7 winner? Shouldn't they play the 4-5 winner? Or are we re-seeding like they do after the wild card round?

brad said...

And jammq, we should be thankful they gave us Cody. NEVER bring a steel beam to a gunfight!

Big Daddy Drew said...

brad, Punter will fix the bracket momentarily. We are retarded.

PUNTE said...


Moof! said... was the best part of this post.

genius said...

the Cowboy has a six-shooter...

final four baby!!!

PUNTE said...

Fixed bracket is up.

John S. said...

Assuming that a charger is, in fact, an actual bolt of lightning, I can't see how anyone could bet on anything else.

Rocco said...

"Actualized individual NFL team mascot" - I thought the Bills' mascot was a Buffalo. Silly me. I'll take Buffalo Bill with a gun anyday. Bill shoots and kills all Yapcunt and Homerism foes, gets struck by lightning in final. What's gonna kill lightning?

Grimey said...

@rocco: Johnny Cage did kick Raiden's ass

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Pshh... the Patriots are armed with RIGHTEOUS ANGER. We will own the face off any other mascots while dumping their tea into our harbors in a symbolic gesture of resistance.

smurphette said...

The Buffalo Bills are obviously personified by the serial killer in Silence of the Lambs. The fact that you guys have him matched up against Steely McBeam clinches it.

Grimey said...

We will own the face off any other mascots while dumping their tea into our harbors

Wow... too bad there's not an NFL team with a "Chinamen" mascot

Chuck said...

This is awesome beyond measure, and the comments are hilarious too.

I vote for multiple scenarios for each match and then picking a winner based on which scenario is most entertaining.

Perhaps too we should get celebrity members of each race/class. Optimus Prime representing the jets, Flipper as a dolphin, Mr. Jolly Green as our resident giant, Patrick as the Saint, and Sammy the Seahawk from the PSAs in Washington State about cutting your six-pack rings back in the 90s.

lanceoceanside said...

once a Packer is unleashed into the octagon he gets moved from random occupations to rapers/homosexuals by necessity group. The Packers stand a better chance violently crushing ass than some guy who wraps a pound of ground sirloin in freezer paper.

CJ said...

Final Four:

Jet in a landslide (they get a bird in the first 2 rounds?)

Titan/Giant winner (unless the Saint has a badass miracle up it's sleeve)

Redskin (easily beats the pirates and the chief has gotten old. Big upset comes with a scalp of the Viking)

Bengal (because if Chris Henry has taught us anything, Bengals always carry guns)

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

$50 says the Vikings take the Construda Regional.


Otto Man said...

If we go with celebs, I want Apache Chief for my mascot.

Jeff K said...

Love this. Though, "KKKIT" sounds like a talking car that David Duke would drive.

El Duké said...

Wow, stealing features from Cold Pizza. Woody Paige is disappointed in you guys.

Oh, and the bear shouldn't get passed the first round, anything I can scare off with a beer can has no chance. Wait, is it an agitated bear? What about the jet, did someone piss it off by bringing a carry on that's clearly bigger than specified requirements? Or have all the mascots been smoking a bowl or 15 like all of us clearly have been?

Big Daddy Drew said...

Jesus, did Cold Pizza really fucking do this?!!!

/wants to die

Grimey said...

I kind of doubt they took into account each mascot's ability to murder the other

ASmith said...

The Cold Pizza take was probably Skip Bayless yelling about how classless the Viking is, followed by him saying how he covered the Cowboys Super Bowl teams.

Yeah, it was probably way different than this. This is actually good.

El Duké said...

Wait, that Cold Pizza thing might have been a golf thing. I remember something about Woody and Skip talking about a tiger taking on a bear when they were arguing about Jack Nickalus vs. Tiger Woods. I think you guys are safe. Plus Dana Jacobsen only implied we should be high whole debating this, you guys flat out told us.

The Capgun Bandit said...

The Chiefs/Redskins can obviously take out the Vikings. 500 years after the Vikings discovered America, the indians still had their land. If Britains later achievements are any indication, the Vikings must've been pussies.

feep said...

OK, the Lion has to win their regional, they're KING OF THE FN JUNGLE.

Final Four matchup with the Construda winner would be rough. Hopefully an upset will emerge from that group that doesn't use firearms.

ASmith said...

The Vikings were too busy raping/rampaging the British Isles and northwestern Europe to focus on North America.

Plus, they weren't yet equipped with the power of White Man diseases such as Small Pox and stuff.

The Titans were upset by the underdog Gods of Olympus, so I've got to think they'll fall out before the Final Four.

the beet said...

as a skins fan, I have already accepted the inevitable first-round defeat of our sad old indian mascot, and will begin the mourning process with a bout of alcoholism and perhaps a school shooting.

ugh, that was definitely more depressing than i intended.

Otto Man said...

James, have you ever considered writing children's stories?

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Strictly by modern reality standards (thus throwing out all dead historical, metaphorical, & spiritual mascots) all you have is a Drunk (Chiefs), a Filipino with an AK-47 and a raft (Raiders)*, and 2 blue collar Drunks (Steeler, Packers**). The Jet is just a jet, not the New York Jets & Trained Pilots, so they're out too.

Assuming all the drunks are protected U.S. citizens entitled to government protection against piracy and having to fight animals, I'd say you end up with fat ass steal worker wrestling a low class north dakota casino owner.

*Redskins and Buccaneers were phased out by political correctness and AIDS.

**Assuming people still pack meat? (see above).

SlideShow Bob said...

Isnt Mother Teresa a saint? a lion would totaly fuck her up. what did she way a buck ten? just remember for every saint George u got someone like her.

My vote still goes to the mythalogical Titans. They r better then the g-ds.

Armchair Strong Safety said...

Titans got owned by the gods, don't base your knowledge of mythology on one line from Denzel Washington.

Bills still should be under armed men.

dick_gozinia said...

@spud - Actually, the Saints will probably end up more like Coppin State.

@ wormfather - The Bear is a pansy Brown Bear so I don't want any of your Polar Bear shenanigans here.

I sadly think that this playoff will end like real life for my Seahawks...squeak in and get demolished early.

To eliminate confusion and probably even the playing field, I have a suggestion.

We make the NY Jets represented by the 80s pop band, The Jets. There were like 14 of them, so it might still deserve a 1 seed, and they may have been Puerto Rican, so they probably have switch blades.

SlideShow Bob said...

@Dicky G- why not just make em that sorry ass gang from Westside story.

Gern said...

Otto man, our Air Force doesn't fly the Harrier. The Marines, Navy and Army do though. I think.

Steve Downie Syndrome said...

49er beats lightning bolt for upset win in the final. Gay can in fact strike twice.

*Note comment followed an 8th of British Columbia's finest.

Armchair Strong Safety said...

@gern, only the Marines

J said...

How can anyone pick the steelers, you have to assume they look like Steely McBeam, in which case they start every match by bending over and demanding insertion...

/hates large headed gay mascots

Unknown said...

James don't worry. Do you really think that a Redskin couldn't beat this?

Chuck Sweet said...

is paul brown armed with anything other than self-discipline, incredible leadership and a revolutionary playbook?

he should at least get a 2x4 or something.

or maybe a jar full of cuyahoga river water to splash on his enemies.

Barney said...

I was a bit depressed at the idea of a random meat packer having to go toe to toe with a berserker viking or a bear but then I remembered Wisconsin did give the world Ed Gein who had a certain flair for meat packing and was Bloch's inspiration for Norman Bates and Tobe Hooper's inspiration for Leatherface. So maybe "meat packer" isn't so bad, especially matched up against that classic Pats logo which is really just asking for it.

Only in a KSK matchup could I possibly feel this bad about my prospects against a Jet or Titan. Thanks for nothing.

- Barney

Barney said...

*** Chip *** Yup. First he pours it on them. Then he lights it and stands back. Way back.

- B

Otto Man said...

Otto man, our Air Force doesn't fly the Harrier. The Marines, Navy and Army do though. I think.

Feel free to direct your correction to whoever wrote that Simpsons episode then.

Kyle321N said...

Please forgive my ignorance, but what the FUCK is a Seahawk? I know what a hawk is. I know what the sea is. But are there Hawks by the sea?

/midwestern boy who's never left his state.

Tcrowaf said...

I think we should put the Titan, Charger, Ram, and Bronco in a new bracket: truck names that rednecks stroke themselves off to.

Mr. Held Over said...

The Saints have NOTHING BUT badass miracles up their sleeve, they just take the form of people like Brian Milne, Steve Gleason and Curtis DeLoatch.

swing4 said...

Ah yes, March, when absolutely everything and anything is pitted against each other: Ranch vs. Italian, nails on a chalkboard vs. Fran Drescher's laugh, etc.

This time of year, I'm always reminded of my school's humor newspaper, which once had our team's most promiscuous player and number 6 seed, Randy Duck, challenging number 18 seed, STD's, in an early bracket. Years later, I still remember the universal surprise when the tournament championship was won by come-from-behind underdog Darth Vader, in a shocking upset victory.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

In retrospect the "New York AIDS" would be a basass name for a football team in this bracket.

Garreth Gobbulcoque said...

I've spent far too many hours at work discussing these various scenarios with my coworkers. We came to many of the same conclusions that you guys did (although we opted for a Boeing 747 for the jet---because their 1963 logo looks like a passenger jet of some sort or at least a cargo plane).

Here are some insights from a veteran of fantasy football mascot battles:

1) Titans are the clear favorite. They are immortal and in effect elder gods. Their only natural enemy is imprisonment and chains. So, possible upsets are limited to humanoids of some sort.

The number one threat to would be Titans supremacy is the Cowboys. The cowboys elite lasso skills and their pair of revolvers are a true threat to the Titans, and indeed most of the human mascots.

The Steelers with their ability to smelt chains would seem like a good choice, but OSHA really hampers their effectiveness.

2) The Jets seem to have a pretty decent draw, but they are more vulnerable than they appear. Any of the Construda or Yapcunt regions could pose mortal danger. Surely, Mel Gibson aka The Patriot could infiltrate and disable a jet.

They are locks for the final four though.

3) At first glance the Saints may appear to be primed for spoiler status with the assortment of miracles in their pocket, but historically there aren't a whole lot of ass kicking miracles. Yeah, they could opt for the virgin birth and when morning sickness hits in a few weeks that'll be a real bitch to deal with. Realistically though, most mascots will have killed them by then although that divine seed could cause problems later in the bracket. Specifically should a Saint conjure up a virgin birth in the Belly of a Titan, at some point in the future a fully grown and armed Zeus is going to bust out of the belly of the Titan and unleash havoc.

The miraculous ability to turn water to wine might be a viable strategy against certain animals, but against most the occupational/historical people that more of a liability. I'm looking at you Paul Brown.

They could come back from the dead. But this particular miracle won't work more than once and it won't help them not die to whatever killed them the first time around.

Ironically, the Saints fair remarkably well against perennial apex predator: the Lions.

12thMANforever said...

A Seahawk is more commonly know as a Osprey. They kick ass! Hawks are going to win this match. Bring it on!

Unknown said...

Don't forget our Celebrity Death Tournament, currently underway but about to be streamlined and a quicker read (until we reach the Elite 8)