Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Putting One Over On Jess

Int. Jessica Simpson's living room.

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Nick: Yo, Tony, it's Lachey!

Tony: Hey man, how've you been.

Nick: Same old shit. But hey, Mayer and I are in town and we had such a good time at the Cosmo awards we wanted to know if you could come out tonight?

Tony: Oh, I don't know. Jess and I have dinner reservations, and then I'm penciled in for a solid hour of cuddle time.

Nick: Fuck that man, let's go get some whores.

Tony: Damn, it has been awhile since I've had a good dirty fuck.

Nick: Jessica still thinks it's gross?

Tony: You know it.

[unintelligible murmuring]

John: Tony, it's Mayer.

Tony: Mayday!

John: Yeah, I have a way for you to get out of there. It worked for me once when I was supposed to go to one of Ashley's concerts.

Tony: Oh yeah? But won't Jess notice I'm gone.

John: Well that's just it, you need a stand-in.

Tony: But I don't have one.

John: Are you at Jessica's place?

Tony: Yeah.

John: Perfect. One time I took Jessica to Six Flags and I won her a big stuffed doll. Whenever I needed to get away I'd just put it on the couch and slip away very slowly.

Tony: Where is it?

John: Check the back of the hall closet, I'll hold on.

Tony: I don't know, it certainly isn't very lifelike.

John: Trust me, she'll never even notice. She just needs something cute on her arm at all times. If anything, she'll just think your cuddlier than usual.

Tony: OK, I'm doing it. I'll meet you at the end of the block in five minutes... this better work.

John: Don't worry about it.

Later that evening...

Image via WWTDD


naptown drew said...

Blonde: Check.
Big boobs: Check.
Vapid as fuck: Check.
Now she's into big blue furry puppets, too?!

Care to partake in a Colts game with me, Ms. Simpson?

Marmatard said...

If I had a nickel for every time I found a picture of Jessica Simpson looking like a retard I'd be living in Vegas playing $10/20 NL Hold 'Em and buying hookers every day.

dead account said...

I don't know, Maj. Making fun of Jessica Simpson's intelligence? Sounds like a job best left to Caliendo.

Kyle321N said...

Drew, she'd end up wearing a pink Peyton Manning Jersey and screaming like an idiot. Plus never take a woman to a Colts game or any other football game. It's terrible.

Wormfather said...

Nice work, why dont you pick on someone with you're own intellegence level...oh wait.

Wormfather said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dick_gozinia said...

Joe Simpson is currently masturbating to this photo.

Rocco said...

I'd still toss in it there.

smurphette said...

Plus never take a woman to a Colts game or any other football game. It's terrible.

You obviously haven't been taking the right women.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Like Tony Romo is smart enough to answer the phone.

Chris said...

You'd have to move Joe Simpson out of the way first.

I smell the beginning of a series, soon to rival Wade & Jerry and Warner and Kitna. Just think of all the material a blond airhead and the person who leads the league in smirres could provide.

Hey wait, a thought just occured. Couldn't Romo just have PK stand in for him. I mean, he's big, soft, and probably doesn't mind doing Tony's cuddling as long as he gets a face full from Romo later .

Anonymous said...

Tony: Damn, it has been awhile since I've had a good dirty fuck.
Indeed Tony, indeed.

Steve said...

Tony Romo looks sad in that picture. Sure he's smiling, but he's not really smiling. Sigh.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

WORD, Smurphette. Well said. I'm pretty sure there are a few ladies out there who appreciate a football game...

TurleyGirlie said...

Ditto, smurphette. I'm not sure he was even worth a response.

I'm a bigger Saints fan than any man I know.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Any ladies are welcome to come to the Titans game with me... if you don't mind sitting three rows from the top of the stadium.

Seats might not be great, but once a year you get to see some fat drunk ravens fan fall down the stairs.

Man Bear Pig said...

@ futuremrs, turley and smurphette:

Please understand that you three make up the limited minority ... an exception to the rule.

I've been to many a sporting event with the fairer sex, and my experience had been 99% of girls who claim to be "fans" of a certain team can't name three players on said team.

But those who do know a thing or two about sports (and yes, there are a few) are awesome.

Kyle321N said...

I agree with man bear pig. I went to the first game of the season with a girl I had been dating for 4 months who claimed to be a big time Colts fan. (It was the offseason so we didn't have the chance to watch any games together.) She laughed when I did the "Playoffs" rant with friends who were talking about Baseball playoffs coming up, so I thought it was a safe bet she was a real fan. We get to the game and the only player she knew was Peyton.

And she had a pink jersey...

/no she wasn't a blonde pop-singer

/apologizes to women who truly like football.

smurphette said...

Not sure if I can speak for futuremrs or turleygirlie, but I definitely recognize that going to a game with a girl usually does not enhance (and often ruins) the experience. Just know that we appreciate the qualification to the word "never," even if we only make up a tiny 1% :)

J said...

Is "You got Romo!" the [door flies open] for Tony Homo?

Anonymous said...

Like Tony Romo is smart enough to answer the phone.

Hey, give the man credit. He can answer a phone, it's just that when he usually gets an important call it slips out of his hand.

/will never let him live that down

Animal Mother said...

Tony: Damn, it has been awhile since I've had a good dirty fuck.

I beg to differ, Tony has fucked the Cowboy fans twice, vs. Seattle last year and vs. the Giants this year.

Good, dirty, hard and DRY fucks.

jackin'4beats said...

Don't worry haters. Romo will be back with more smirres and slangin' more TDs than everyone else in the league. Just think...he's the new gunslinger now that FAR-VE has gone out to pasture.

/fuck you Giants
/at least the Pats lost so it ain't half bad

ianalb said...

Tony Romo now leads the league in sly grins.

dead account said...

I'm not even cautiously optimistic about Romo anymore. So far I've seen that he can play well in September, October and November. Until he can perform late in the season and into the playoffs, I'll eagerly await the day the Cowboys get a new starting QB.

Jeff V said...

May Day!