I Do Not Feel Comfortable In The Confines Of A Strip Club

Wade: Welp, I’d say this has been a solid offseason so far for us. We had that tough go of it against those pesky Giants, but dangit if they didn’t go hog wild and win that Lombardi Trophy! My my my! I think that’s a good sign for us as a team. We’re a bunch of young’uns, and now these boys know what it’s gonna take to get that ring.

Mostly, I’m glad Mr. Jones saw it in his heart to give me a second chance. This coachin’ life can git pretty darn lonely sometimes. Movjn’ around all over the country, you ain’t got no time to put roots down. Friends seem to come and go just like that. But we’re finally out of the crazy season, and maybe Darlene and I can finally go out on the town with a few of the neighbors, make some new friends, and have ourselves a spot of fun for once in a blue moon. Matter of fact, think I’ll arrange a dinner party at PF Chang’s this very same day. Hoowee, the Mrs. will be surprised at ol’ Wade takin’ a little bit of the initiative and makin’ plans!

(picks up phone)

I wonder if they still have those lettuce wraps. I sure do like the way they…


Jerry: YEEEEEEEEHAAWWWWWW!!!!!! Say, is it fat in here, or is it just YOU?! YOU FAT FUCKING GLOP OF SHIT!

Wade: Oh, no.

Jerry: On the phone with the delivery boy again, Fleshy Gordon? Don’t you know that if you keep makin’ that poor Chinaman pedal his bike over here, his little chopstick legs’ll fall off! MY GOD, YOU’RE FORCING HIM TO RIDE THE TOUR DE SHRIMP TOAST, YOU BIG FAT ASSHOLE! I see March Fatness arrived RIGHT ON TIME FOR YOU this year!

Wade: Sir, I’m making plans for the evening, if you don’t mind.

Jerry: Never mind that, Divine. I’ve got shit for you to do. Besides, I’m assuming the only plans you’re making for the evening involve a pint of Dulce De Leche and kneading your pork loin to a copy of Vanity Fair your old lady left lying around the house!

Wade: I was trying to schedule a dinner date actually.

Jerry: Son, you married dinner a long time ago. THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR YOUR FAT ASS TO BE MAKIN’ PLANS WITHOUT THE DOUBLE-J’S CONSENT, TUBBALICIOUS!

Wade: Sir, it was just one night.

Jerry: Well, table it, Rush-to-eat Limburger. WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF FREE AGENCY! And I want this team to make a splash! Why do you think I kept you around, Fatty? If I’m gonna make a splash, I may as well keep the man who can drain an ocean basin just by dipping his toe in it! Now, if I learned anything from this season, it’s that my boy ROMO is a goddamn STAR! But it’s not enough to have just one STAR! We need a whole shitload of stars here so that my boy ROMO doesn’t feel all that pressure. AND I DON’T SEE ANY STARS COMIN’ THROUGH THAT DOOR, BAREFOOT CONTESSA!

Wade: Well, we were able to bring in Zach Thomas…

Jerry: That’s wonderful, Tubby. I’m glad you and the grease stains on your Wranglers liked that signing. BUT ZACH THOMAS AIN’T NO STAR! I wanted Randy Moss walking through that door, and all I got was Jason Taylor’s retard brother-in-law! His decline is as inevitable as Barack Obama’s future assassination! I want NEWSMAKERS, you fat fucking crescent roll. I’m askin’ for delivery and you’re givin’ me DiGiornio. And DiGiornio AIN’T SHIT!

Wade: Well, what do you suggest?

(door flies open)



Pacman: Where them bitches at?

Wade: Oh, no. No way. That feller ain’t nothin’ but trouble.

Jerry: GODDAMN RIGHT HE IS! He‘s perfect! Just think, every time my boy ROMO takes Jessica Simpson down to the Caymans for a good Texas tenderizin’, my boy ADAM here’ll be raisin’ hell to keep those fat, disgusting reporters distracted. Ain’t that right, Adam?

Pacman: There’s too much light in this club. That bitch too fat with all this light. I NEED A COKE.

Jerry: Settle down, Adam. This is not actually the strip club. We had to stop here in Coach Quizno’s office here before we get to the club. Remember how I told you not to throw quarters at our receptionist?

Pacman: Man, fuck that bitch.

Wade: We can’t sign him! He’s not even reinstated!

Jerry: Listen, fatass. I am working diligently with the league office to get my boy ADAM here back on the field. Don’t you doubt the Double-J’s ability to make that happen. I got more pull in that office than you do at the Dunkin Donuts register! Adam is good young man. He’s just got a little sickness, you see. He has a very specific kind of agoraphobia that keeps him from feeling comfortable outside his safe place. It’s just that HIS safe place is the Gold Club.

Pacman: TURN THE FUCKING MUSIC UP! I CAN HEAR MYSELF THINK!

Wade: Well, what do I do about it?

Jerry: That’s just the thing. YOU will be chaperoning Adam from club to club through the duration of his stay in our fine, stripper-laden city. Way I figure it, with your fat ass there, there’ll ALWAYS be somethin’ in the way of Adam and any kind of trouble. He won’t be able to flick nary a clitoris without having to traverse your mammoth terrain first. It’d be like tryin’ to give Jupiter a reacharound.

Wade: Sir!

Jerry: Just you wait, Adam. You’re gonna feel REAL safe in this town. You’re gonna be tits deep in SMU commuter student pussy in no time!

Wade: This is incredibly inappropriate, Sir. I do not feel comfortable in the confines of a strip club.

Jerry: Oh, loosen up Turnblad, if it’s physically possible for you to loosen up your body more than you already have. I’m sending you to the titty bar FOR WORK! THIS IS HOW BUSINESS GETS DONE IN TEXAS, GUMGUZZLER!

Wade: We’ve got a lot of draft prep to do and more. Who’s gonna do all that if I have to stay with him 24/7?

(door flies open)


Garrett: Oh, dear. I was told to beware the peptides of March. Yet here they are in their most corpulent manifestation.

Wade: YOU! I thought you were dead!

Garrett: Hmm. Yes. Indeed. Ha ha. I’m afraid you fell for a bit of a ruse, my fudgy friend.

Wade: What?!

Jerry: Oh come on now, DJ Bisquick, you didn’t think I’d actually shoot my boy GARRETT, didja? HOW ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO GET THAT FAT COCKSUCKER PARCELLS OFF THE PHONE? I gave Princeton Boy here a new contract. $4 million a year ain’t too much for my boy wonder!

Wade: But that’s more than I make!

Jerry: Which is why you get to escort Adam here to the ol’ Poon Saloon! NOW GET YOUR ASS OUTTA HERE. I DON’T WANNA SEE YOU BACK HERE UNTIL ALL YOUR CASH IS GONE AND YOU SMELL LIKE SOMEONE DUMPED A GALLON OF JESSICA SIMPSON’S DESSERT PERFUME ON YOU!

Pacman: Hey Fatman, let’s go get pussymad.

Wade: This sucks.

Jerry: WAAAAAHOOOOOOO!!!!! GET CHANGE FOR A HUNDRED AND BURY THEM ELBOWS IN SOME TEXAS ‘TANG, YOU FUCKING FAT PIECE OF OSSO BUCO! NYEEEEEHAW I AM FUCKIN’ CRAZY!!!!