Monday, March 17, 2008

Holy Crap, Whadid I Miss?
Maj's Off-Topicakke

You don't have to be a douchebag to be a good skier, but it certainly helps.

Good fucking God. I go on vacation for one random week in March and I miss all sorts of crazy shit. Since I missed so much recently I decided to cover all of the fun off-topic goodness in one sprawling post. It's win-win for you, the reader, because it's stuff you never cared about to begin with and it's longer than Drew's old-man balls. Huzzah!

-Number One Threat to America: Bear Stearns

Yeah that's right, America's fucking broke. That's why I store all of my money inside of Nick Denton's large head-vault. Fortunately for the rest of you the government is sending out some stimulus checks. They really want you to boost the economy by spending the money as opposed to saving it, which is why they're making all of the banks collapse just in time. Personally, I plan on using my stimulus moneys to purchase illicit substances...from foreigners! Take that, Capitalism!

Speaking of nonsensical financial blather...

-TBL Came Out!

Some have said that this announcement came on the heels of FJM's revelation, but all of this started when I appeared on Blog Show. The important question remains, how can US Weekly possibly survive without JRM's editorial oversight?

-The Brothers Karamazov > The Brothers Marquez

That's right Drew, I'm talking about boxing and you can't do shit about it! A couple of weeks back Israel Vasquez barely beat Rafael Marquez and then on Saturday night Pac-Man barely beat Juan Manuel Marquez. Everybody got really bloody and had a good time. Seriously, you could see JMM's brain through the cut on his eye.

-Uranus Still Hates Atlantans

First these southerners bitch about a little drought and now they get some rain and they can't handle the wind that comes with it? No wonder they couldn't win a fucking civil war.

-Some Basketball Something Or Other


Some of you might be aware that I'm rather fond of the sport of basketball (and the race of man that tends to excel at said sport) and I have a particular appreciation for the amateur variety. As the self-appointed basketball genius of the gay I'm taking it upon myself to give you our initial breakdown of all things bracket. What follows is a list of rules you have to abide by if you're going to participate in the springtime festivities.

Brackets > Hair

Do: Know everything about college basketball.

Sure, we're the guys who lost a bracket challenge to the Womyn Ladies. But remember, I won the individual title because I'm a testosterone-fueled genius who actually watches PAC 10 games.

Don't: Attempt to fill in your pathetically average knowledge with research.

If you can't pick the tournament blind then you're already fucked. Two kinds of people win these things, People who care way too much about basketball and people who pick Drake to make an Elite 8 run because they "love the Drake."

Don't: Read a stupid list of rules for filling out your bracket.

You're already failing at a second-grade level!

Do: Bitch about the diabolical snubbery of the selection committee.

"Waaaah! VCU, VT, and UVA* didn't get in, why does the NCAA hate the Commonwealth of Virginia?" Sound familiar? If so it's because you can't react to Selection Sunday without a bit of indignation.

Oh, and to answer your question, Virginia is the AIDS of states.

*Never actually had a chance

Yeah, I'm never leaving town again.


Otto Man said...

Fortunately for the rest of you the government is sending out some stimulus checks.

Best of all, this week they're sending us all letters to let us know they'll very soon be sending us checks. Because without the foreplay of the letter, we'd never accept the check.

The cost of this massive The Check's In the Mail public relations campaign ? $42 million.

Man, remember when the Republican Party was "fiscally responsible"? Yeah, me neither.

MDT said...

Oh, and to answer your question, Virginia is the AIDS of states.

So if we dump money on it it'll go away?

85 said...

Maj, no mention of the highlight of the weekend? How bout them fuckin' Panthers?

Unknown said...

No, we pick Drake to go to the Final Four because we love us some Korver.

wv:ytiitwn. Well, why not?

J. Ro said...

@ Mannysheadstash: You gotta love families that go with alitteration naming schemes.

UM: Watching the Pac-10 does wonders for my brackets, even if does lead to the blatant homer pick that always loses in the first round. (Fuckin 'Cats)

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Do: hang your head in shame if your team winds up getting shunted off into the NIT. Whether you win or lose, you're still a loser. It's like the "alternative" alcohol-free after-prom parties all the nerds who didn't get to the cool kids' party wind up at. "Hey, we stayed up until like 3 in the morning and drank Pop Rocks and Coke AT THE SAME TIMES! We're so crazy!!"


futuremrsrickankiel said...

Fuck me there are like 8 typos in that.

Unsilent Majority said...

How bout them fuckin' Panthers?

trying not to be a homer.


qualude conduct said...

Virginia is for Racists. They treat every person of color with their own down home charming discrimination.

Unknown said...

George Mason is in VA. With the AIDS.

Gern said...

No shout out to Harken Banks??? WTF?

smurphette said...

Virginia is the AIDS of states

Yeah, it probably is, although growing up in Fairfax County has worked out pretty well for me so far.

The Dumpee said...

If Virginia is AIDS, Maryland is Super AIDS.

Chuck Sweet said...

i see we share one common desire here UM....

and that is, of course, to be a part of the well-oiled machine that is the greendale high ski team.

Unknown said...

And what state did this d-bag come from?

I moved out of Virginia recently to the Midwest, and it's a hell of a lot more racist here when you really get down to it.

You hold a door for a black person here and they give you a look like "no one's ever done that for me!"

fallex said...

You should raise you're hood when you do that. It's common courtesy.