Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Kurt n' Kitna: The Van

Brenda: Kurt? Are you coming to bed? It’s almost 8:30.

Kurt: Be right there. Aren’t you going to read your David Sedaris book for a while?

Brenda: I was about to, but get this. That book is about a gay man! A gay man! Can you believe it? I feel like I’ve been tricked.

Kurt: Well, that’s why I stick to biographies and self-help.

Brenda: So the Donaldsons want to know if we’re available for dinner tomorrow night.

Kurt: Yeah, well some of the guys and I had organized a late-night…uh…bowling thing for tomorrow.

Brenda: Kurt, we’ve been putting them off for weeks. They’re really making an effort to spend time with us.

Kurt: And I’m really trying to avoid them. Don’t you remember the last time we got together? We spent two hours on their couch while they made us watch that one show with Jim Belushi. I can’t think of the name of it….

[faint meow from outside]

Brenda: Kurt, Mindy’s been really having a rough time since her chemo treatments.

Kurt: …Fine, I suppose if it’s an early dinner...

Brenda: Thank you dear, will you turn out the light?

Kurt: Okay. [click]

[from outside] Meow.

Brenda: So, honey…how about a late night snack? Could I interest you in some blonde snapper?

[from outside] Meow.

Kurt: Hey…is that cat stuck in the tree outside? Oh, poor thing. I’d better get him some milk.

Brenda: Use water, Kurt. Milk could give him worms.

[Kurt goes downstairs, pours some water in a bowl, and walks out the front door out to the big tree]

Kurt: Here kitty. Come here, little guy. Hey, I don’t see a –

Kitna: BOO-YAH!

Kurt: OH SHIT!

Kitna: Oh, come on, dude, you totally knew that was me!

Kurt: Motherfucker! You almost made me shit myself. What are you doing here?

Kitna: Dude, check it out. I have whores.

Kurt: What?

Kitna: [points to white van in driveway] I picked up 4 girls from the Platinum Exchange and now we gotta find somewhere to go. Dude, come hang out with us!

Kurt: Are you insane?! They’re gonna know who we are!

Kitna: No, dude, check it out. None of them speak English! They’re all like Asian and Malaysian and shit. I waved around a $50 bill at the club and they just started following me. So guess what I nicknamed the van?

Kurt: I don’t know.

Kitna: Just guess.

Kurt: I don’t want to guess.

Kitna: Just guess, dude.

Kurt: Um, I don’t know…The Orient Express.

Kitna: [stunned] Whoa…that’s way better than my nickname.

[from behind] Pussy Patrol!

Kurt: Who the fuck?

Kitna: Oh, sorry Kurt. This is my protégé, Nicky Belvedere. He’s a Bears fan. Nicky, I told you to wait in the van with the engine running.

Kurt: You…you let him drive the van?!

Kitna: It’s the only thing that keeps him from talking dirty to the GPS. So c’mon, dude. Let’s go tear these girls up.

Kurt: I can’t go out in my pajamas, man.

Kitna: Dude, Nicky’s got us hooked up. He stole some rubbers from the BP while I was gassing up the van.

Nicky: and Fritos!

Kitna: Dude, I know a warehouse by the pier. It’ll be totally cool.

Kurt: [confused] What fucking pier?!

Brenda: What’s going on?

[They all turn to see Brenda standing at the front door]

Kurt: [to himself] Oh shit.

Kitna: [to himself] Oh shit.

Nicky: Jesus face!

Brenda: Hello, Jon.

Kitna: Hi, Brenda. I was…just bringing over a friend of mine…to get Kurt’s autograph.

Brenda: Really?

Kurt: Well, that’s what they said to me…before you came down.

Kitna: Well, yes…but…we…we realized that…we didn’t…have a pen…or…anything to sign.

Brenda: Is there someone in that van?

Kitna: [to himself] Oh fuck.

Kurt: [to himself] Oh fuck.

Nicky: Pussy Patrol!

Brenda: I'm gonna find out who's in that van.

Kitna: There's nobody in the van, Brenda.

Kurt: Brenda, stop!

Brenda: Don't "Brenda stop" me, Kurt. I know something's going on. I know Jon didn't just show up so you could autograph something for his little friend here. I want to see what's in that van and I'm going over there, so don't you try and stop--







[van explodes]

Kurt: Whoa…Holy…is everybody okay? Honey?

Brenda: I’m…I think I’m alright.

Kitna: Aw, man. I left my iPod in there!

Kurt: Hey, Nicky, don’t run toward the fire! [tackles Nicky on the lawn]

Brenda: Oh wow. Looks like we're okay. Thank God there was nobody in that van.

Kurt: …Yeah

Kitna: …Yeah

Nicky: Pussy go boom!

Brenda: We should call the fire department. Why don’t you guys come inside while we wait? There’s some leftovers in the fridge.

Kitna: We’ll be right there. Go ahead and give Nicky some juice.

[Brenda takes Nicky inside]

Kurt: Dude, what the fuck are you gonna do? As soon as they find human bones and acrylic nails in that van, you’re fucked.

Kitna: Actually, there was nobody in the van. Nicky and I went to an animal shelter earlier and picked up some cats for him and his mother. There were cats in the van.

Kurt: Well that explains why Nicky was covered with cat hair.

Kitna: And the distinct smell of animal piss.

Kurt: Why go through all of that? Why didn’t you just call me?

Kitna: I don’t know, you just always seem to be too busy lately. I just wanted you to come and hang out for a while. I was just gonna throw you in the van when you got close enough and have Nicky peel out. It seems like we never hang out anymore. Remember when we used to just chill in the offseason and watch According To Jim?

Kurt:That’s what it was called?

Kitna: We need to hang out more, man, you know? Things’ll be different once we’re out of the league. We only have so much time before that happens, and we need to make the most of it. Before we get all fat.

Kurt: You’re right. I’ll make more of an effort.

Kitna: [looks at the wreckage, which is still ablaze] You think we should just let that burn?

Kurt: Yeah, it’s on cobblestone. It should be fine. Plus it’ll piss off the neighbors.

Kitna: Sweet. So you have anything good in the fridge?

Kurt: Might be some blonde snapper in there. You’re welcome to it.

Kitna: Some what?

Kurt: Eh, never mind.


Anonymous said...

These are instant classics. Good work

Unknown said...

This is what Kurt has in the fridge.


futuremrsrickankiel said...

Oh god. Can we find and kill the asshole who ruined perfectly good beer by adding Clamato to it?!

(nice link though)

PUNTE said...

Was it a "bearded Clamato?"

/no idea

flubby said...

Micheladas are dubious. Canned Micheladas even moreso.

naptown drew said...

Best. Punter. Post. Ever.

JH said...

I was hoping Marmalard would kick the door open

Steve said...

Yes, we must have more Philip Rivers.
Also, i miss ole' "I'M FUCKIN' CRAZY!!!!" Jerry Jones.

Spatula said...

Exploded pussies. Does PETA know about this?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

No, but I'm pretty sure your mom does...

(slow day at work)

Otto Man said...

There's no way that's the Warner bedroom.

A light blue carpet? Color is the devil's plaything.

The Last Unitard said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Last Unitard said...

I can't get the thought of Brenda's snapper out of my mind. I won't be able to get an erection for a week.

the great bambi said...

your face is a slow day at work

(sorry, the only response to a "your mom" is a "your face")

Grimey said...

Brenda's a blonde????

hi there mary said...

Kitna's iPod was probably full of gems. What a sad loss.

Comicbook Guy said...

I salute you!

gone said...

Are Kurt and Kitna similar to a superhero pair battling against their arch nemesis Marmalard?

I think so.

And I'm with unitard... damned blonde snapper.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Poor cats

whopayschildsupport said...

That picture could only be funnier if it was two separate twin beds.

Robocats said...

I was hoping from the title that this would be an excerpt from a buddy comedy featuring Kurt Kittner and Jon Kitna. I mean this is good, but where's Kurt Kittner? Oh, he was working at the pet store? Very good then.

Otto Man said...

I can't get the thought of Brenda's snapper out of my mind. I won't be able to get an erection for a week.

Just be sure you don't imagine that it looks just like her head -- shiny, spiky silver hair in an R. Lee Ermey flattop.

Whatever you do, don't think of that.

gone said...

otto, you dick.

SlickBomb said...

That was fucking amazing. +50.