I’m Gonna Miss This Game, But I Think I’ll Miss Your Pathetic Asskissing Most Of All

You know I was on a plane comin’ up here today. And I was tryin’ to think of a way to let y’all here know that I was finished with football. And it was just so hard, because it brought back all these memories for me. There was the time we won the Super Bowl back in ’96. And all the great games we had this year on the way to the NFC title game. I thought about all that. And it’s just so hard to let that go. I’m gonna miss this game.

(chokes up)

But more than that, I’m gonna miss all the incredibly pathetic asskissing most of all.

I’m gonna miss the way all y’all used to hang on my nuts like they were a set of monkey bars. I’m gonna miss all the relentless verbal fellatio and paeans to my greatness that verged on being some kind of written rimjob. I loved that. THAT’S WHY I PLAYED FOOTBALL, MAN!

Hey, Peter! Man, you remember when I had that one autograph-seeking girl join us for dinner, and she was real excited? And then you almost came in your pants at my casual, aw-shucks way of including everyone?

(fights back tears)

I’m gonna miss that.

And Cris Collinsworth! Remember how you said just talking to me for a few minutes could help make anyone a better person? Jesus, am I gonna miss that kind of blind sycophancy! It was like you was flossin’ with my ass hair! I could practically taste your Aveda hair gel on the back of my teeth!

(grabs tissues)

I’m sorry. I just… I just didn’t realize it would be this hard. This is harder than Madden’s cock after watching me throw an interception 40 yards down the field.

I know I can still play this game. I really do. But I am just not prepared mentally to get back into the grind. Even though y’all would probably love that angle. FAVRE’S DEVIL-MAY-CARE APPROACH TO TAPE STUDY JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK! I could see Wright Thompson writing a headline like that. But, in the end, I just can’t risk you guys potentially wising up to me next year and actually daring to criticize me.

(starts openly crying)

I just can’t play football like that. I can’t.

As they say, all good things must come to an end. And this was definitely a good thing. I’m not sure anyone in this game has had the kind of good fortune that I’ve had, to have a press corps so clearly willing to get on their knees and do a little ball-bobbin’ on ol’ Number 4. I can’t tell you how much I appreciated all you did to hide my flaws and work my shaft as vigorously as possible.

(dabs tears)

I’m sorry. I said I wouldn’t get emotional. But it’s just so hard when I know how well Chris Berman has jostled my testicles in his big, meaty hands all these years.

I’ve watched hundreds of players retire over the years, and I’ve always wondered what it would be like. I thought maybe King would show up completely stripped down, slathered in baby oil and riding some kind of Sybian machine. And he is! I thought I was prepared for that, but it’s just gonna be so dang hard to give up!

(cries)

Is this the right level of grief? I really want to come off as emotional as possible here so y'all'll immortalize this moment like I'm Lou fucking Gehrig. This is my last good chance to soak in the moment and let y'all drink deep the sweat off my taint. I can't believe this is the last time!

(cries more)

But this is the right time to go. I said I wanted to go out on top. And I am. I am going out on top. Of Brian Baldinger. With my cock plunged pubes-deep into his meatpie.

(sobs heavily)

God, I will miss this!