Monday, March 31, 2008

Better Know a Draft Pick: Glenn Dorsey

Welcome back to another year of Better Know A Draft Pick. Leading up to the draft we'll profile all the top prospects that are worth knowing.

Name: Glenn Jamon Dorsey
Nickname: "Putt"
Origin: A young Glenn was so enraptured by Putt-Putt commercials as a young child he would stand up and walk to the television whenever they come on. He's also the anonymous author behind Putt's Law.

Hometown: The Jambalaya Capital of the World, Gonzales, Louisiana.

Height: Tall enough to ride the ride.
Weight: 297? Maybe on Uranus. (ed. note: Uranus!)
Strength: Belied by fat.

Urine Sample: Tangy.
Stool Sample: Still caked on the bathroom floor.
Blood Sample: Red.

Early Setback: Had to wear metal braces as a child to correct bowed legs.

Mainstream Comparison: Warren Sapp
KSK Comparison: Forrest Gump

Strengths: He has the feet of a ballerina. Literally, he ripped off her feet at the ankles in a disturbing display of strength.
Weaknesses: Chop blocks and crawdads.

Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics: Earlier in the month erroneous reports indicated that Dorsey had a secret knee surgery. Some believed this was the reason Dorsey accumulated a mere 27 tackles and 3 sacks last season, while people who are not total dumbfucks realize that he was triple-teamed more often than Kobe Tai.

The Truth: He doesn't actually have knees, they just stuffed a bunch of old socks in between his femur and tibia.

Best Known For: Winning the National Championship along with every collegiate award imaginable for a defensive player.

Who Wants Him: Cincinnati
Who Will Take Him:Oakland

Favorite Food: Buffet

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He dabbles as a motivational speaker, for kids! His inspirational overriding message, “dream big," comes from an influential dream he had about eating the world's most glazed ham.

Immediate Impact:
An explosive force.
Down the Road: A pronounced limp.

Previously on BKADP: Matt Ryan


JAMMQ said...

No, you're schmoopy.

Steve said...

How will his duties with the Boston Celtics affect his draft stock?

MyBoysAreMyLife said...

Only UM can tie in Mark Twain and the queen of anal gangbangs in the same paragraph. Bravo, good sir.

Animal Mother said...

Smoke a little weed pre-draft like Sapp. You get a little less money, but you'll end up on a contender.

Just don't get busted for weed, or you'll definitely end up on the Bengals.

Getting constantly triple teamed.

Like Kobe Tai.

SlideShow Bob said...

yah i kinda wanderd off after the Kobe Tai refrence, but im sure the rest was top notch UM

jackin'4beats said...

Thanks for making me look up all the female porn stars in wikipedia's database at work UM. I'm sure there's no way the gestapo knew what I was doing this afternoon.