Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Better Know a Draft Pick: Darren McFadden


Name: Darren McFadden

Nickname: Run DMC. Sorry Darren, but I hear that name might have already been taken by one of those hippity hop trios out of New York City

Other Nicknames:
D-Mac, D-Dawg, Eric Calvi, Butter Boy, and Humanity Advanced.

Rejected Nicknames:
McBabyDaddy, Big Mac, Big D, McDeezy

Parents: His mother Mini Muhammad successfully kicked her crack habit, but his father Graylon McFadden left years ago to pursue his dream of opening a bar for insufferable douchebags attending George Washington University.

Siblings:
At one point growing up he had one brother in the Crips and one in the Bloods. It was just like that episode of The Brady Bunch when Peter agrees to be Bobby's slave for life, only Bobby takes advantage of the situation and pisses off Peter to the point where the boys have to divide the bedroom into territories. Yep, just like that episode.

Urine Sample: Clean like a mountain stream.
Sperm Count: 50 million per milliliter, and they all swim like Michael Phelps with flippers.

Cause for Concern: Let's just say it doesn't take his kid blowing a mini-golf match to get him in a frilly dress.



And speaking of kids, he may or may not have a few of em.

Mainstream Comparison: Purple Jesus
KSK Comparison: Travis Henry

Who Wants Him: Jerry Jones, no matter what that crazy asshole might tell you.
Who Will Take Him: The Jets, followed by a chorus of white men booing.

Immediate Impact: He'll hit the ground running.
Down the Road: His body is going to fall apart like a piece of furniture assembled by a clumsy Jew.

Previously on BKADP...
Matt Ryan
Glenn Dorsey

18 comments:

Ski said...

mcfadden's is easily the worst "good" bar in dc. people there are completely insufferable.

Dewey Hammond said...

Fans call him Run-DMC, but he considers his nickname to be D-Dawg. Here's a link to a video of Darren talking about his nickname and tattoos.

http://yardbarker.com/college_football/articles/Check_out_my_tattoos/231158

Drave said...

"a piece of furniture assembled by a clumsy Jew"
Poifect!

drozz said...

i thought his dad owned dan's cafe.

tony said...

Nice analysis, but I'd be VERY surprised if the Raiders didn't take DMac. Sure we already have four capable running backs signed, but Al LOVES superstar players who are flashy as fuck, and LOVES 40 times (that unofficial .27 time probably could serve as Viagra for him). Plus, while all of our backs are capable, Justin Fargas sure isn't a superstar running back. Sure, Ghost or either Long would fill a more legitimate need, but Al's boy McFadden's gonna be a goddamn STAR, in the words of Jerry Jones, as long as Jonesy dosen't trade up with Al to get him for the same reasons as Al, only with a legit need for RB as well.

Nash said...

Perhaps the KSK seal of disapproval will help me coax people to go to a bar that doesn't suck.

smurphette said...

McFadden's is indeed a swirling vortex of douche, but I heart Dan's Cafe.

5150 said...

The only thin Dominic Rhodes is capable of carrying is Joseph "Uwann" Addai's momentum.

mortality pie said...

@ski:

What precisely is it about McFadden's that makes it "good," even if it is the worst of its kind?

The one time I went there, I had to elbow my way through the dance floor to get to the exit as the cheesiest dj in the world played some of the most awful shit there is.

Seeing a bunch of drunk retarded GW students yelling "Pour Some Sugar on Me" at the top of their lungs almost made me throw up in my mouth.

James said...

actually, throwing up in your mouth a bit is one of the more popular activities to participate in at mcfadden's. it helps breed that healthy, musky basement smell that graylon was shooting for.

smurphette said...

@5150: WORD.

My Phenomenal Swag said...

As a (I like to think) somewhat sufferable douchebag, I can say definitively that the only thing worse than a GW student at McFadden's is a Georgetown student at McFadden's (or, alternatively, a Georgetown student at Five Guys)

Unsilent Majority said...

I love how a throw-away line about an awful dc bar sparks all of the comments.

Chip Fu said...

how about you semen-drenched gang of shiftless layabouts unearth yourselves from beneath your tire-fire of empty rum bottles and bong resin so you can post more funny nfl things more frequently. i've got candace parker and baseball taking up 59 minutes of sportscenter right now.

love what you do btw. : )

Evan said...

@ Mortality pie

ummm, you should probably just avoid the entire georgetown area too just to be safe.

@UM
Should've figured out by now, a throwaway line about something local is when commentators get to jump up and say "I'm local too!!! And I too have opinions about this topic!"

mortality pie said...

@evan:

you nailed me on both points. damn it.

Pat said...

Another popular activity at McFadden's is peeing against the bar while waiting to order.

Marshall said...

"Who Will Take Him: The Jets, followed by a chorus of white men booing."

Brilliant.

(See http://youtube.com/watch?v=rZxNeFLuY98)