Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Surprise, Muthaphuckkas! I Ain’t Dead!


BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! APRIL FOOL’S, BITCHES!

Bet y’all shocked to see me, ain’t ya? Omigod, if y’all could see the looks on y’all’s faces right now! You can’t tell whether or not you’re glad to see me or ready to fucking cut me in half with a machete!

TEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!!!!

I’m tellin y’all, THIS will never be topped, muthaphuckka. Bet y’all really thought I was gone! With the bigass funeral! And the open casket! And my grandma fallin’ on the coffin! And coach Gibbs cryin’ and talking about, “He’s with Jesus now”! BAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, I wasn’t with Jesus! I was with my boy Fred, down in Aruba! Check this out!


Best five months in hiding I ever spent!

C’mon now, you really think a group of punkass kids are gonna shoot down Sean Taylor in his prime? FUCK THAT! That was jus’ my cousin Dave! The whole femoral artery thing was his idea! Said you'd fall for it like a little motherfucker. AND YOU DID! He’s always thinkin’ of crazy shit like this! One time, for April Fool’s Day, he keyed his landlord’s car! How fucking funny is that shit?!

And you really think the police would solve the murder of a famous black man that quickly? C’mon, now. That shit doesn’t happen in real life. Didn’t their incredible effort tip you off?

Besides, how else was I supposed to avoid practice?! We were in pads two days a week! That shit was murder!

Are you still mad? Oh, c’mon now! It’s me! Sean! Don’t be angry, bitch! You wouldn’t have made the playoffs without me dying! I watched that shit from the pool bar. It was great! And you got to talk about violence in the black community and shit. I’d say we all learned a valuable lesson, namely that Y’ALL SOME GULLIBLE-ASS RETARDS!

Still angry? Okay, man. Okay. I’m sorry. Here. Have a beer.


BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! YOU GOT SOAKED, ASSHOLE!

I feel so refreshed.

Next year, I’m getting disemboweled!

25 comments:

JAMMQ said...

Did he go into hiding to avoid the NFL's new haircut policy?

Grimey said...

He's getting better!

Grimey said...

Michael Wilbon is finally surprised

naptown drew said...

How come they never found Biggie and Tupac's murderers, but they could arrest Sean Taylor's the next week? Dan Snyder can't rap!

ben said...

Sean Taylor's ghost is going to find you and cut you for this. Cut you so bad, you wish he not cut you.

Claude Balls said...

I'm pretty sure Unsilent is going to do the cutting for him. Watch out for the challah knife.

devo said...

Uh, I may get killed for saying this, but it's not too soon for this?

DMtShooter said...

Sean Taylor's Ghost will try to cut BDD for this, but disappoint.

Golf clap, BDD. Golf clap.

The Last Unitard said...

If Drew wasn't already haunted by Korey Stringer's ghost, he will be now.

Slothrop said...

I knew this was coming--but when he beat the Big Show with the brass knuckles, I knew the Meast was takin' it to a whole nother level.

quiet strength said...

Dammit Unitard, you beat me to the Korey Stringer joke. Now I got nothing. You hear me? Nothing!!1!

1972DavidBowieFromTheZiggyStardustTour said...

Posts like this are exactly why I keep coming back.

fallex said...

The real joke was on anyone who bet on the Skins in the playoffs.

Oh, and good question, devo?

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Technically Drew will be haunted by the ghost of ksk's past(Falco), the ghost of ksk's present(Korey Stringer), and the ghost of KSK's future(Sean Taylor).

the great bambi said...

does that mean by the end he'll no longer make dick and fart jokes?

Winston B. Mcpotsworthy said...

BDD is going to piss of the dead until they rise from the ground and start an Arena League Team.

Pemulis said...

i still prefer buster poindexter to do my haunting

Christophe said...

Today is his Birthday. Happy B-Day Sean.

Animal Mother said...

David Overstreet, Mike Webster, Justin Strzelczyk, Marquise Hill, Pat Tillman, Joe Delaney and Andre Waters are all unimpressed.

Try doing it for more than a couple of months. Slacker!

qualude conduct said...

During his trip to Aruba, Natalee Holloway and Sean Taylor recorded an album together entitled "Resurrection".

Winston B. Mcpotsworthy said...

That umbrella in the top pic looks exactly like Stan's hat from South Park.

Colts and Hoosiers Fan said...

@Naptown Drew
I WANT JUSTICE!!!

El Duke said...

What, no Bison Dele jokes?

Jackin'4Beats said...

Man that's just mean...mean man, mean.

Kenneth Griggs said...

I wonder what Tillman would say?

"Because I played for the Cardinals, my fellow rangers decided to shoot me."

Over the top? Sure you guys can do better...