Friday, April 4, 2008

Yapcunt Regional Final: Titan vs. Giant – QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?!

Our last regional final could easily have been the championship match had we not been so arbitrary in our seeding. Alas, these two behemoths square off right now. Who takes it? Whose cuisine reigns supreme? We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it's posted. Voting in this contest is closed. The Titan won with 66 percent of the vote.

TITAN


Strengths:
-Big
-One of Saturn’s most noticeable moons. It has lakes of methane! Just like my toilet after a bowl of lentil soup!
-Poop the size of a goddamn battleship
-Sometimes goes by cool nickname “Big T”
-Clears out a Pizza Hut lunch buffet like no one’s business
-Knows an excellent preparation for Blackened Child

Weaknesses:
-Greek. Filthy.
-Hogs all the fried calamari to himself
-Come on, man. You’re gonna vote for the odds-on favorite? BO-RING
-Cronus lookin’ a little long in the tooth there
-Eats the baby’s heart first when everyone knows the brain is the best part
-Needs entire Alaskan glacier to relieve hemorrhoid pain
-Judging by this painting, doesn't exactly look all that big. I expected a titan to be bigger than Bill fucking Walton. I think it's because Europeans is so goddamn tiny, especially Europeans back then. "OOOH! Look at that six foot tall man! He's a TITAN! Sacre bleu!"

Entrance Music:
“Big Poppa”

GIANT



Strengths:
-Big
-Strong
-Knows the distinct odor of an Englishman
-Makes a grand entrance at any gala event
-Wouldn’t you love to see a giant man fight a giant monkey, like King Kong vs. Paul Bunyan? God, I’d love that

Weaknesses:
-Slingshot
-Wiseacre rabbits

Entrance Music:
“Big Guns,” Skid Row (“She got the BIG GUNS! Pointin’ at my heart! BANG BANG SHOOTIN’ LIKE A FIRIN’ SQUAD!”)

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

13 comments:

William said...

The giant has to take it. It was the year of the underdog in the NFL this year, it should damn well be the same in this draft.

naptown drew said...

Titan- Can make it rain cash on strippers

Giant- Can make it rain feces on strippers

Yep. Giant, FTW.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

"Wouldn’t you love to see a giant man fight a giant monkey, like King Kong vs. Paul Bunyan?"

That WOULD be pretty sweet. You know what would be even sweeter? A giant shark against a giant sea serpent. Are sharks nimble enough to deal with a predator that has no spine? Hmmmm. Plus there could be an underwater cameraman in one of those pussy ass underwater cages that we all know will not hold up if the sharks start to regulate.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Oh, Titans by the way. Greek mythology is way cooler than fairy tales.

Dave said...

those pictures of titans eating children will haunt my dreams forever

smurphette said...

I don't really like either one, but since the Titan gets to enter The Octagon to the dulcet tones of Biggie Smalls, I voted for him.

Jim said...

Illusionators is a national treasure. Giant gets my vote.

quiet strength said...

I agree. It's like Kansas vs. UNC. Fuck em both. Hopefully whoever wins is thoroughly disemboweled by Adrian Belew.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

You guys are hurting my feelings.





Go Titans!

The Lazer said...

Giant loses on entry music alone. He might as well play "Why can't we be friends".

Shenanigans said...

Titans are giant vagina like creatures. In a bad way. they were big, stupid and inbred and the Gods bitched them out. As a result, the Giant is a far more imposing mascot.

Animal Mother said...

The Giants.

Because without them, you'd have to listen to all those insufferable pricks talking about 19-0 and how great they are because they jumped on the bandwagon in 2001, "just in time" of course.

Shane said...

you know, giants were created specifically in greek mythology as creatures that no god could defeat, only a human. Technically a titan could not defeat a giant. balls.