Tuesday, April 8, 2008

National Mascot Semifinal: Titan vs. Bear – QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?!

Who gets to face the Bengal in our Kill Kill Kill Championship? I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t rooting for the bear, because I bet a quick YouTube search could find me a bitchin’ Bear vs. Tiger fight. But first, the Bear must beat the tourney’s overall #1 seed, the dreaded Titan. Let’s rig it! We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it's posted.

TITAN


The Titan you’re voting on is Phoebe, Titan of the moon. Lame. According to myth, she gave birth to Leto. I’m assuming that means Jared Leto, who’s a total douche. Look at this fatty.


Way to gain 5,000 lbs. for a shitty Mark David Chapman biopic, asshead. I guess Leto is a Method Douche. He received classical training in douchebaggery from Lee Strasberg himself.

BEAR


The Bear you’re voting on is famed Marvel comic mutant Ursa Major. By day. Mikhail Ursus is your garden variety Soviet Super-Soldier. But by night, he’s a goddamn BEAR! With claws and fangs and all that shit! He grew up in the wild, so he knows the terrain! Also, according to Wikipedia:

In the space of a few seconds, Ursa Major can, at will, turn himself into a bear-like creature, larger and more anthropomorphic than an ordinary ursine. In this form he possesses super-strength and animal-like senses while retaining his human intelligence and speech, although his behavior and personality become more beast-like.

Take that, Ant Man! Fag!

Bizarre side note: I used to have all the Marvel Universe comics when I was a kid. Those were the comic books that listed all the Marvel characters in alphabetical order and detailed their history and all their abilities. I loved checking them out, but I hated ACTUAL comic books. I liked reading about all the awesome shit Marvel heroes could do, but I was bored out of my fucking mind seeing them in action. Go figure.

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

25 comments:

Eddie said...

They had cards like that too, weird large-postcard shapes ones.

I was too young to own any, but I've seen them before.

18-1 said...

I vote for Phoebe's tits (don't know why you mistakenly added that "an"). I would, of course, prefer Rachel's from the 90's, but I'll take Phoebe and her "little bit of crazy" if that's all that's available.

I'm certainly not voting for some gay commie.

J said...

holllly fuck that's jared leto?!?

he needs to recapture some of that requiem for a dream

/totally incapable of voting titan now

whowillsexmutombo? said...

The best part about Marvel Universe was learning how much weight they could all bench press.

"Thor can bench 80 tons? Sweet!"

//I had lots of friends when I was young.

Unblowupable said...

Wow, Jared Leto looks exactly like the kid who sold Jimmy steroids in South Park.

smurphette said...

The only Jared Leto I recognize is Jordan Catalano from My So-Called Life. Since I'm a heterosexual female who grew up in the 90's, that is a pretty strong case for the Titan. But I want to see that Tiger vs. Bear showdown, so no dice, Jordan. (Plus, I had a soft spot for Brian Krakow. I mean, Jordan couldn't even read!)

Zamboni said...

@ smurphette:

Yeah, but Brian Krakow raped the Pink Power Ranger on Felicity.

How can you support that?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

If I recall my mythology correctly, Phoebe's daughter Leto is the one who wouldn't let Zeus impregnate her until he disguised himself as a swan. What a kinky bitch.

Totally off-topic. I'm voting bear.

clmetsfan said...

I can't in good conscience deny the world a Kill Kill Kill of bear vs tiger.

rusrus said...

Phoebe would look at the bear sideways, say something silly, and stand there waiting...
The bear would rip-off her head and eat it - then foul the coffee shop.

Bear.

SlideShow Bob said...

Zangief is also a Russian bear, a diffrent kind though i think.

KC Cal said...

Totally agree with you about reading about their powers but not reading the actual comic book. I never had enough energy to turn every page only to read a few word bubbles. That shit gets tiring.

Upstate Underdog said...

At first I thought that picture was BDD at the gun range in Las Vegas he visited a few weeks back.

Otto Man said...

Chapman put on all that weight in an effort to impress Jodie Foster.

smurphette said...

@zamboni: Be serious. Are you really gonna drop Felicity in the same discussion as My So-Called Life? I don't think so.

Miyamoto's Chin said...

I'm very glad I never watched Friends.

/still voted Titan

Jared said...

I was the same way (with marvel encyclopedia).

They've reprinted all those for like $10 each, I really want them, but, well, you know.

ibleedgreen said...

they can smell menstruation

Mark P said...

On Friends, it was revealed once that Phoebe stabbed a cop. Holy shit. She wins either via stabbing or she smashes her guitar over the bear's head, Honky Tonk Man-style.

Becky said...

What time of year is the battle? If its during the winter Im gonna have to vote for the Titan because the bear will be hibernating peacefully, gorged full of berries, honey and the assorted picnic basket. While sleeping Phoebe the Titan could waltz in and demolish the bear...

BDD when does the battle take place?

Kyle321N said...

I like my Leto 30 second to Mars style and the Bear to win.

/wow he's a fat arse.

WV: ncccaa- the tournament that just finished yesterday?

Man Bear Pig said...

Nice work, Kyle. I was just about to post something similar.

30 Seconds to Mars for the win. I've voted bear all tourney, but here's where it must meet its end.

(or not, since Titan is going down in flames).

John said...

suck it drew

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_wfYAGosi4&eurl=http://www.barstoolsports.com/

Abraham said...

Fuck. The Bear Patrol's not working. We're boned.

Mike said...

Drew, your Marvel comics index-love, with hatred for the comics themselves makes total sense to me.

I fucking LOVED the Monster Manual, but damned if you'd catch me playing an idiotic Dungeons and Dragons game. No thanks, Dorkmaster, I can invent my own Elf vs. Dragon battles without your dice-rolling prowess.

Jackass DMs never had you meet a succubus or nymph anyhow.