Friday, April 11, 2008

KSK Mock Draft: F--king Terrible Songs


In this week's draft we're ridding the world of our most hated songs. The rules are simple: you pick a song, and it vanishes from your life. Once a song's "artist" is selected that entire "artist's" catalog comes off the board. Which Elton John song will it be?!

The draft order is as follows (minus Punter because he was busy olling up aces over kings and check-raising stupid tourists):

Maj
Flubby
Caveman
Drew
Ape



Round One


1. Maj: Hotel California by The Eagles




If you need any further explanation then you could also use brick to the head. This is a bigger sure thing than LeBron, Griffey, and Peyton combined.

2. Flubby: Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison.

If you hear this song at any public setting where alcohol is being served, you can be assured that in a matter of moments a gaggle of drunken women will soon be assembled to sing an off-key rendition of the chorus. SHALALALALALALALALADEEDA!!! Fuck you very much, Van Morrison. Ya drunkass mick.

3. Caveman: Benny and the Jets by Elton John

Trying to decide between this plodding monstrosity and the childish bullshit of "Crocodile Rock" is no easy task, but I think I hate "Benny" slightly more.

Ape: If for nothing else, the fact that Berman has referenced it.

4. Drew: Another Brick In The Wall by Pink Floyd

I fucking hate this song. I fucking... just... GAHHHHHHH I hate it so very much. Not only does it employ a children's choir, but that fucking choir sings in the most obnoxious English accent humanly possible. Hearing it in my head right now makes my teeth hurt.

Maj: I think they were the same kids from Satisfaction.

5. Ape: The Girl is Mine by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney

This is possibly the most cornball song ever wrought. From shimmery production to a chorus that goes:


The girl is mine
The doggone girl is mine
I know she's mine
Because the doggone girl is mine


You can forget Jackson bleaching his skin and raping kids and McCartney marrying a one-legged harridan who tried to take all his money. This tarnished their legacy far, far before that. And possibly worse.

Maj: Abso-fucking-lutely

CC: Great pick. I fucking hate that song.

Drew: Can I still take a song from Wings, or is all McCartney out the door now?

Maj: Sorry Drew, no Band on the Run for you.

6. Ape: Bitch by Meredith Brooks

In the Lillith Fair milieu of the girl songstress fad of the late '90s, this stood out as the most fake-controversial-yet-palatable-for-mass-audiences-bullshit around. The song's message: deal with my flightiness and refusal to adhere to rational thought! Because we're women! We're allowed to be vacuous contradictions! But not you stupid weak men! RAWR!

Also, for all the mainstream dipshit DJs who'd introduce the track with "Oh my God, a song on the radio with the word bitch as the title? Tres outre!"

7. Drew: Paradise By The Dashboard Light by Meat Loaf

I'm still traumatized by groups of drunken women in college re-enacting all eight and half minutes of this god-awful piece of shit. Especially the STOP RIGHT THERE! part. God, it's just so fucking terrible I can't even put it into words. And some asshole at the bar will ALWAYS put it on, without fail. The goddamn thing never ends. Fuck you, Meat Loaf Aday. And fuck you, Phil Rizzuto. Holy cow, this song blows.

8. Caveman: You're So Vain by Carly Simon

If it made my pet peeve list, it's making my most-hated song list. It's got all the same the faux-femme empowerment of "Bitch," charged with extra bitterness and irrational justifications for being a cunt.

9. Flubby: American Pie by Don McLean

So bye, bye Miss American Pie
When they play it, people say it, until I wanna die
Don McLean I hope those royalties can buy
A coffin if I meet you, guy

That one was on just about everybody's board. Great value pick.

10. Maj: Piano Man by Billy Joel

Fuck you, Billy Joel. You're the fucking devil.

11. Maj:Shiny Happy People by REM

What the fuck is that song all about? I'm convinced that they were just trying to annoy the shit out of me.

Drew: Ooooh, anything by REM is a solid choice

Maj: And they say I don't know anything about white people music...

Flubby: Losing My Religion was a late round pick on my board

Caveman: Wow, I totally forgot about REM. "Losing my Religion" was probably the first song that made me want to hurt people.

Drew: Yeah I fucking hate that song. Stand too. Guhhhhhhhh.

Caveman: God, we could do an entire draft of awful REM songs.

12. Flubby: Fergalicious by Fergie




Maj: That's an actual song? I thought it was a commercial for Vagisil or something.

13. Caveman: Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves

I hate this song. I hate every movie that this song gets used in. I hate scenes where people dance to this song. I hope Katrina and the Waves all die horrific, grisly deaths.

Maj: Like drowning in flood water?

14. Drew: Silver Bells> by Bing Crosby

My least favorite Christmas song. I don't care who sings it, I fucking hate it. One time, at the gym, they played an emo version of it. My least favorite holiday song sung in my least favorite genre besides country. My heart turned black.

Flubby: Ooh, I could do a whole draft on xmas songs. Starting with "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime" by Sir Paul.

Maj: I would have picked all Christmas songs, but Ufford wouldn't have any of that.

15. Ape: Kokomo by The Beach Boys

This song single-handedly kept me from getting into music until almost my teens. I can't even begin to enumerate the number of ways I hate it. But, I was just given one more not too long ago: it inspired possibly the worst parody song ever. And they play it all the time at the stupid divey karaoke bar I go to. This song was a No. 1 hit? Proof positive of America's cultural bankruptcy. Fuck you, Mike Love.

Holy shit, nobody drafted We Built This City!!!

Add your picks in the comments, but play by the fucking rules! That means waiting ten selections before picking another song. And no picking "anything by [blank]" because that's something Drew would do because he's a dick who has most certainly not listened to all 7,431 shitty Grateful Dead songs.

296 comments:

OD said...

Coldplay - Clocks(or anything)

It really doesn't need an explanation. If you've heard it, you know.

Ben said...

Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da by The Beatles.

I love the Fab Four, but this song is just fucking stupid.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Anything by the Dead.

HA!

futuremrsrickankiel said...

"Since U Been Gone," by Kelly Clarkson.

Maybe he wouldn't have left you if you weren't a doughy squash-faced midget in too-tight pants.

Also, learn how to sing in the bottom of your range so your songs don't a) break my eardrums and b) inspire the shrillest of shrill singalongs by drunk chicks at parties.

And the use of "U" over "You" in the song title? DO NOT FUCKING WANT.

God, just THINKING about this song makes me need a Tylenol.

Matt said...

That Titanic theme song by Celine Dion.

Jez said...

I was actually just thinking about the worst songs ever, and remember that "We Built This City" won the honors. No way is that song worse than "I Got My Mind Set On You" by George Harrison. That song is, by far, the blackest, stickiest, stinkiest piece of shit ever made. It's so bad, it destroys all the great work that Jeff Lynne (the producer of the song) did with ELO, including the greatness that is "Telephone Line."

QWIJIBO said...

I Feel Good- James Brown. For a long time, it preceded almost every comedy trailer (which may have been a good thing since it gives you a heads-up to avoid the piece o' shit.)

Travis Henry's Dusty Rubbers said...

Even Jesus hates "higher" by creed

(Five One Eight) said...

"Kryptonite" by 3 Doors Down. This song still gets played on the radio like it's in the pantheon of great rock songs of the new millenium. I want to rape this band.

Pemulis said...

hero - chad kroeger. FUCK YOU AND FUCK NICKELBACK

Captain Caveman said...

A city built on rock and roll would be structurally unsound.

JDA said...

"I Shot the Sheriff" by, well, anybody. Let's say Clapton.

Besides being a shitty song, it earns bonus points for tarnishing the careers of so many different musicians.

(Five One Eight) said...

@matt: there's a great spinal tap-ish band called Satanicide that does a hair-metal cover of the celene song. it almost makes the existence of that song worth it. almost.

Ben said...

"Nookie" by Limp Bizkit

Fuck you MTV for making these guys popular back in 1999/2000.

Chris said...

anything by sarah mclaughlin

Franklin said...

My fist would like to crash into Dave Matthews Band

whowillsexmutombo? said...

"I wanna be sedated", The Ramones.
You know what? Wearing a Ramones t-shirt doesn't make you a tough guy. It makes you a dip shit college sophmore who thinks he listens to tough guy music.

(I actually hate the people who wear the shirt more than I hate the music, but if the band goes away, so do the shirts.)

the great bambi said...

Every Generation by Journey


mainly so no one else can be a douche and say "Don't stop believing" which shall remain played throughout the land forever

D.E. said...

'Spoonman' by Soundgarden

The absolute worst song that was someone inexplicably popular in the 90's.

Somehow Sirius' 90's rock station poisons the air daily with it.

John S. said...

With the Dead off of the board, and millions of otherwise wasted lives now saved, I am following up with anything by Phish.

For God's sake, Miles Davis can jam for ten (10) minutes or so and pull it off. Phish does not have the collective talent of one Miles Davis. Accordingly, their attempts at "jamming" for over thirty (30) mintues are incresingly horrible on an expodential scale after the four minute mark.

Damn I hate that band. I mean, the Dead were bad enough, but, to be a knock-off of the Dead is a special type of bad.

MicroscopicElvis said...

Until it Sleeps - Metallica.

Never has the release of a single disappointed so many so quickly.

John S. said...

Glad to see Metallica gone.

Fucking corporate whores.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Wow. I'm truly, truly amazed no one jumped on "For Boston" by the Dropkick Murphys in the first round. Are you guys forgiving Boston already? If so, hurrah.

I have literally hundreds of songs I could draft. I'll take "Hands Open" by Snow Patrol. Really, I could take any Snow Patrol song (particularly ones associated with Gray's Anatomy), but this song mentions hooking up to Sufjan Stevens in the lyrics, and I fucking hate him too. I can't imagine a worse fate than having to hook up while listening to Sufjan Stevens, unless it were having to hook up while listening to Snow Patrol sing about Sufjan Stevens.

Larry Bird Flu said...

How did no one take "Our Country?" by cocksucking JCMellencamp? That's mine. Enjoy it for the next 20 years, fuckers.

John John The Bastard said...

Don't Stop Believing by Journey. Heresy or not I fucking hate that song and everything it brings with it.

Jason said...

This Love - Maroon 5

Really you can take any song by this shitty ass "band" simply because their lead singer's voice makes me want to rip out my eardrums.

Skye said...

The Final Countdown by Europe. I want to shove ice picks into my eardrum simultaneously any time I hear that song.

Ben said...

"Satisfaction" by Britney Spears.

No explanation necessary.

My Insignificant Life said...

Mickey by Tony Basil drives me up a f'n wall to hear that chick screech

J said...

ummm hello sweet caroline - neil diamond....

Pemulis said...

i dont know what the song is called but its by Phish. The tires are the things on your car that make contact with the road... that songs ARGGGGHHHHHHH ihate you so much!!

Franklin said...

I say a little prayer - Burt Bacharach

Forever and ever this song will not be in my head no more

whowillsexmutombo? said...

"Hey Jealousy", The Gin Blossoms.
I actually use the Gin Blossoms as a standard of measurement. As in, "I hate_____ like it's the Gin Blossoms."

ben said...

Urgent, by Foreigner. urgent, urgent, urgent, emergency. see how urgent my love can be. i think this is about premature ejaculation, but i'm not sure.

tough call over hot blooded and cold as ice. open for debate...

/other ben

Larry Bird Flu said...

"Gold Digger" by Kanye. I love the guy, but that song has GOT TO GO (Chris Rock voice).

peb said...

Seriously, I'm surprised my pick is still here. I thought it would have been a top 10 pick.

Who Let The Dogs Out - Baha Men

Smello said...

More Than Words by Extreme.

Only song ever for which I'd HAVE actually change the station. And, I have terrible taste in music.

J.L. White said...

Ooh boy, this draft is right up my alley. In my senior year in high school I was one of the morning teenage DJs at the radio station at my school. Yeah, I got an A+ just for playing bad techno and disco music and awkwardly reading AP news stories over the air. It was fun, they never counted me tardy as long as I got the music playing on time, and I heard enough bad music to last a lifetime.

My first pick is "MMMBop" by Hanson. That's not just a song that gets stuck in your head; it haunts you. It is evil, and I would get physically ill whenever I saw it on my playlist. Like other boy bands, I hope they got molested by their producer.

shouldBworkin said...

@ Ape
'And they play it all the time at the stupid divey karaoke bar I go to.'

And we should give a small shit what you think about music?

Big Daddy Drew said...

I'll be taking Happy Birthday now.

James said...

Im Taking, "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" by Drowning Pool mainly cause I never want to see another trailer with that song in it again. My God, do they think thats the only song in the world!!

Big Daddy Drew said...

And I'll take "The Boys Of Summer", too. Especially the Ataris version, which makes me want to die.

Outnumbered said...

"Beautiful Day" - U2

Any positive qualities about this song were totally torched by Simmons and the Patriots.

Franklin said...

BDD - that is a damn steal of a pick. there was Birthday party at the office yesterday and that confirmed to me that people singing Happy Birthday is the most socially awkward moment in business.

Jason said...

Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus

The question is, if his daughter did a cover of this song would it be better or worse?

Guerrero Black said...

"Hey There Delilah" - Plain White T's

If I never hear this P.O.S. again it'll be too soon.

Mike said...

Breadline by Megadeth. It's one thing to pick a song from an artist whose songs all suck (Billy Joel), but there was a time when Megadeth rocked out. Breadline (or really anything off of Risk) was not that time.

This song sounds like it was written for Barbara Streisand

Suss said...

I know what mix tape I'll be sending KSK on their 2-year anniversary.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

"Breakfast at Tiffany's".
I assume further detail is redundant.

shouldBworkin said...

Lawyers in Love Jackson Browne
Mind-blowingly retarded.

Spud Randall said...

The I Wanna Be a Rockstar song. What a douche.

Big Daddy Drew said...

"Time Of The Season" by The Zombies, and any other cliched Boomer rock dogshit from the fucking Forrest Gump soundtrack.

Travis Henry's Dusty Rubbers said...

R-E-S-P-E-C-T - Aretha Franklin

Ever feel your boner retreat into your colon when you see white women dance in a circle? Thank this song.

Ben said...

Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back." I hate that song and neither can I nor will I lie. You others cannot deny that you hate this song as well.

Outnumbered said...

"The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" - Gordon Lightfoot

Lots of ships have sunk, what makes this one so goddamn special? Some dude with a pornstache sank about it?

Slothrop said...

The fucking Masters theme. and I love the tournimint.

August West said...

Anything by STYX... especially 'come sail away'. i fucking hate late 70's to early 80's arena rock bands.

J.L. White said...

Nearly 70 selections gone by, and no one took a song sung by the lovely retarded women that grace the top of this post? Okay, here's another vapid yarn I was forced to thrust upon the cursed Seattle-ites:

"Wannabe" by the Spice Girls. Big boobs do not justify that nonsense.

Travis Henry's Dusty Rubbers said...

It should be noted that "respect" is 100% acceptible when sung by Otis Redding

Slothrop said...

Stairway to Heaven.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

How has Madonna not died from Hepatitis?

Oh, if I have to pick one, it's "Vogue". Or "Fever." But to be honest, my least favorite Madonna song is probably any sung Madonna ever sang.

shouldBworkin said...

Billy Joel has been mentioned but not picked?
Innocent Man - Billy Joel
Whiney bitch

@wwsm
Deep Blue Something?...Torpedoes away! Great Pick!

QWIJIBO said...

Electric Slide-by what's his face- best...steal...ever...
Do I really need an explanation for this one?

Kurt M. Weber said...

No "Radar Love"?

In the words of GOB, COME ON!

MicroscopicElvis said...

One Shining Moment by that douchebag that ruins the NCAA Tournament

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

Steady as She Goes by the Raconteurs. When that album came out I was psyched, and what did I get? Jack White singing a fucking Maroon 5 sounding song.

Slothrop said...

Dancing Queen by Abba. Children exposed to Abba get Downs Syndrome.

Biggus Rickus said...

"Barbie Girl" - Aqua

Toastie said...

"bleed it out" by fucking linkin park.

my ipod died this past fall and was forced to listen to DC101 on the way home from work everyday until I couldn't take it anymore and got a new one. do you have any damn idea how many times that song was played during the 5pm drive home? pissin' me off just thinking about it.

John John The Bastard said...

Baby Mama by Fantasia Barrino. It is an immense achievement for a girl who can't read to spell baby I guess.

Grimey said...

"Proud Mary." Can. NOT. Fucking Stand. (Especially when sung by "talented" 5 year olds on daytime talk shows.)

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Aww, come on, Ben. What are white girls at fratty bars supposed to get freaky too if they can't pretend they have big asses for 3 1/2 minutes?

Just kidding. I fucking hate that song too.

Damn, "Hey There Delilah" was a good pull. I'll take "Misery Business" by Paramore. Jesus, I hate that band. My roommate listens to that shit EVERY GODDAMN MORNING while she gets ready for work and it makes me want to chop off my nipples like John Kruk in that ATHF episode.

I'm in a Frat said...

Bugs by Pearl Jam.

Band is good. This song is the worst ever. I recommend you avoid it at all costs. The only redeeming quality is that it is so bad that it never got air play.

Word verification was "ick". That's uncanny.

Outnumbered said...

"Hang tough" - New Kids on the Block.

These fuckers ushered in more than a decade's worth of crap.

Big Daddy Drew said...

"Toxicity" by System of a Down.

Hate hate hate hate hate that band.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

"The Impression that I get", The Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

Hey, I liked them as much as the next guy in 1992. The plaid was a cute "hook".

That sound you heard at register #3 in 1997 was The Bosstones selling out, kids.

Travis Henry's Dusty Rubbers said...

"beautiful people" - marilyn manson

Forever responsible for turning fat awkward kids into fat awkward kids who wear make-up. The irony is stupifying.

naptown drew said...

Steve Miller Band- "The Joker"

The wah usage makes my liver bleed.

Biggus Rickus said...

"Bullet with Butterfly Wings" - Smashing Pumpkins

Pretentious title, annoyingly angry and repetitive chorus, terrible singer, what's not to hate?

Spud Randall said...

Toastie- you just yoinked me so hard. How gay a name is Chester Bennington?

Ill take Thnks fr th dkinmyass by Fall out Boy

naptown drew said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tim said...

Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley.

You're welcome.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

I'll take "Happy to be stuck with You", Huey Lewis and The News, for the win.
(Although "his earlier work has been compared to Elvis Costello".)

J.L. White said...

"My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas.

Query: Since Flubby took Fergie (that sounds funny), does that eliminate not only herself, but the band she once belonged to? Really, this song is so awful that a special provision should be made. (If it is disallowed, then I choose "The Theme to Aladdin.")

Grimey said...

@futuremrsrickankiel: Pretend?

"Are You Gonna Go My Way" by Lenny Kravitz. Overplayed to hell.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Nothing makes me change the channel faster than the opening bars of a Pearl Jam song.

KSK, do you realize you've wiped out 80 percent of the playlists for every classic-rock station in the United States?

peb said...

I don't know if it's Whoomp There It Is or Whoop There It Is and I don't know who does it, but I'm taking it so I can eradicate it from the public record.

naptown drew said...

@franklin

Every first date I've had since they came out, I ask the girl if she likes Dave Matthews Band. If the answer is yes, I cut my losses right there.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I just called to say I love you.

Makes me think of death. dunno why.

Biggus Rickus said...

"Zombie" - The Cranberries

I don't hear it much anymore, but I'd rather not take the chance that some shit DJ will revive it.

Daydream Billiever said...

damn, as soon as i think of a song it's being taken. i'll have to go with Paralyzer - Finger Eleven. they used to rock in the late 90's and while Paralyzer was ok at first, the fact that it's played every half our on 5 damn stations makes me hate it ever so much. that and the video reminds me of the commercial for STDs where the people were spreading the virus' via interpretive dance.

naptown drew said...

"You're Beautiful"-James Blunt

How did this fall so far?

flubby said...

How the hell has Margaritaville stayed on the board so long?

Undead Zombie Horde said...

The Time of your Life: Green Day

I want to bloddy my knuckles to the bone every time I hear it.

Apocalipstick said...

Really. The Macarena. How did it last this long?

Slothrop said...

every rose has its thorns by poison.

Their tour bus can't flip over on them? Their helicopters can't crash into mountains? They can't all od?

Undead Zombie Horde said...

That should read:"I want to bloody my knuckles to the bone every time I hear it."

typo due to trembling with hatred.

the great bambi said...

hey john john you bastard follow the rules, you can't take any journey, i already removed them from the board so you couldn't take that song specifically, muahahahah

Outnumbered said...

"Close to You" - Karen Carpenter

I'm drafting on behalf of my brother-in-law who had this song chosen by my gay father-in-law during his photo montage at his wedding. Grounds for divorce if you ask me.

1972DavidBowieFromTheZiggyStardustTour said...

Colin Hay - "I Don't Need You Anymore"

There's a reason this song never became popular. It's not even funny bad. It's just fucking terrible.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Grimey, I'm saddened by your earlier pick... I hope it's not the Creedence version of Proud Mary you're eliminating from our collective musical canon.

"Sk8er Boi," by Avril Lavigne. I almost threw up on my keyboard just typing out the spelling of that. Moreover, I loathe the perpetuation of pathetic high school cliques via music. SHE WORE POLO SHIRTS. HE OCCASIONALLY WORE BAGGY PANTS. WHAT AN UPTIGHT BITCH SHE MUST BE FOR NOT DATING HIM.

Grimey said...

@flubby: Not Margaritaville... Pina Colada-burg! Son of a son of a bitch!

Down here in Spring Break country, we're all ready for "Low" by Flo Rida to die

Biggus Rickus said...

"Your Body is a Wonderland" - John Mayer

I'm amazed this or "Daughters" wasn't taken sooner. Mayer's kind of a paradox. He seems like a decent dude, but his songs are all douchefests.

Chamomiles Davis said...

"Party Hard" by Andrew W.K., or as I know it, "The Song That Compels Me To Hit The 'Start' Button On Madden 2003."

naptown drew said...

"I Will Always Love You"-Whitney Houston

This song is the equivalent of aural estrogen.

brad said...

"If I Had a Million Dollars" - Barenaked Ladies

Barenaked Ladies: great concept, shitty band.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones.

They suck.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

What's Up - 4 Non Blondes.

I used to date a girl in college who played that fuckin' abortion on a loop. Over and over and over and over, until finally, I yanked the tape out of the stereo and threw it against the wall. Needless to say, we didn't last much longer.

Grimey said...

@futuremrsrickankiel: Sorry, I have to get rid of them all. My hatred of that song knows no bounds. You don't hear me complaining about losing "Breakfast at Tiffany's."

J.L. White said...

Since we're somewhere around Round 12, this is a great value pick: "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice. He made MC Hammer look hardcore.

Toastie said...

Gwen Stefani song where she sings the shit is B.A.N.A.N.A.S. I want to meet the record execs who green lighted that project.

So Angry!!

Biggus Rickus said...

"Let Her Cry" - Hootie and the Blowfish

hercules rockefeller's story reminded me of a guy down the hall from me in Tech School who played this song on a loop. My ears bled.

Walklett said...

Beethoven's fifth was a piece of shit.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

As a rule of thumb, a good way to get me to leave your party is to put on "Jump Around" by House of Pain.

dick_gozinia said...

Soulja Boy by Soulja Boy.

This may be the 2nd worst song in history after American Pie.

Travis Henry's Dusty Rubbers said...

Post-Danzig Misfits:

Once a band loses it's founder/singer/songwriter/lyricist everything has a tendency to, you know, fall to shit.

naptown drew said...

"Life Is a Highway"-Rascal Flatts

Terrible song not even written by this terrible band who is way too popular right now. Now they are marrying Playmates and beauty queens while I am forced to listen to this shit because my son likes the Cars movie. Fuck them and their stupid fucking highway.

the chief said...

I would nominate the entire LFO catalogue, but "Summer Girls" deserves special recognition for its onerousness. This song is musical HIV - sure you can live with it, for years on end maybe. But some day you are gonna sing "Every Other Time" out loud and be instantly pummeled by the fists of angry, threatened rednecks.

Let's just sample from verse three, shall we:

Like the color purple,macaroni and cheese,
Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees
Call you up but whats the use
I like Kevin Bacon, but
DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

Chamomiles Davis said...

walklett,

Q: What's brown and sits on a piano?
A: Beethoven's First Movement.

John John The Bastard said...

Damn you Bambi. I didn't even see that in the rules. How about I replace that with Bed by J. Holiday.

Grimey said...

I'm going to have to go with "Honky Tonk Badonk-a-donk" by Gigantic Fucking Redneck

Hank Scorpio said...

Can we get agreement on all things Michael Bolton be taken off the board?

Surely this mephitic banshee has damaged our ears enough in this lifetime.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Soul Coughing. Pick a song.

naptown drew said...

@hank scorpio

As long as My Insignificant Life can keep his avatar, consider it done.

Brodie said...

That stupid Holler Back or whatever song it is where Gwen Stefani teaches idiots how to spell the word BANANNA.

brad said...

"Go for Soda" by Kim Mitchell.

If you've never heard this song, consider yourself blessed.

Hank Scorpio said...

@naptown.

Pictures good. Music bad.

JR said...

cyclone - baby bash. she may move her body like a cyclone, but this shit and his voice makes me think i'd rather poke my eyes out with dull spoons.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Love Shack: B-52's

you're welcome.

devang said...

Livin' on a Prayer - Bon Jovi. ugh

Biggus Rickus said...

"Milkshake" - Some Chick

I don't think I need to explain this one.

E. Jason said...

Loving You, by Minnie Ripperton.

dick_gozinia said...

I could pick any song by The Offspring, but "Pretty Fly for a Whit Guy" holds a special distinction for me.

MTV was interviewing the band about the song and asked why they picked Redman to guest on the track. They answered that they were big Wu Tang fans.

Apparently they weren't big enough fans to realize that he WASN'T IN THE FUCKING GROUP!!!!

The Offspring = Poser Douchbags

whowillsexmutombo? said...

"Since you're gone", Matchbox 20.

When you get right down to it, Rob Thomas is sort of a giant god damn homo. And it's contagious. Listen to any song he ever wrote. You'll be jerking off dudes in the men's room by end of day.

At least, that's what the dude who tried to jerk me off at the port authority said to get out of his desk appearance ticket.

Ginsu said...

"Goodbye Earl" by The Dixie Chicks.

Grimey said...

"Drops of Jupiter" by Train FTMFW

J.L. White said...

"West End Girls" by the Pet Shop Boys. I'm surprised there is still so much lousy music from the 80's on the board.

Pemulis said...

sugar ray - fly, four post bed, etc. theyre all awful. even worse than when they were just a shitty pseudo punk band with crappy songs like RPM

Chamomiles Davis said...

The "Grease" medley. You know the one. They play it every day on that station your parents listen to. When the DJ plays it at a wedding, it's my aural cue to go double up on the ol' drinky-drink.

naptown drew said...

"Country Grammar"-Nelly

I have a special brand of hatred for rappers who draw inspiration from childrens' songs Like "Down Down Baby" or Old McDonald.

smurphette said...

"You're Beautiful"-James Blunt
How did this fall so far?


I just got back from lunch, otherwise, it would have been long gone.

My pick: Anything by Josh Groban. Definitely play that if you don't ever want to get laid.

Hank Scorpio said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Biggus Rickus said...

"Don't Want to Miss a Thing" - Aerosmith

It was hard to choose just one, but that is the absolute worst. Even if it was used to good comedic effect in Blades of Glory.

devin hester's speech coach said...

I have two.

"Sugar, We're Going Down" - Fall Out Boy

I can't begin to explain how much I fucking hate Fall Out Boy. But this song is the worst of the worst. I fucking hate this band, and I really hate that lead singer's fucking tam hat.

"Screaming Infidelities" - Dashboard Confessional

Awful, awful song.

Aukse said...

Friday I'm In Love by the cure (or maybe it was just cure at the time)makes me throw up in my mouth a little. the scream/squeal thing towards the end also makes me want to rip my ears off and feed them to mike tyson for dinner.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

YMCA: The Village People. How this lasted this long, I dont know. Regardless its fucking gone.

dick_gozinia said...

The Time Warp - Rocky Horror Picture Show

I despise this movie and all songs and people associated with it.

/looking at you tim curry

Ginsu said...

"Umbrella" by Rihanna.

the chief said...

"Electric Avenue" by Eddie Grant. You're gonna rock down to electric avenue? Great. Please stay the fuck there along with your cable access music video. Your song makes me want to stab everyone you know.

E. Jason said...

Biggus Rickus may have just won.

Larry Bird Flu said...

"8675309 (Jenny)" That's too easy, but you know you all hate it too.

@Chamomiles: What's brown and sits on a haunted house? Scooby's Doo.

naptown drew said...

"Jock Jam Megamix"

With one fell swoop I've just eliminated some really pathetic artists and human beings, including convcited pedophile Gary Glitter and somehow Chris Berman.

Antonio said...

Sorry, gotta pick two newer ones:

"Sexyback" by Timberlake and that fucking horseshit "Don't You" by the Pussycat Dolls.

Spud Randall said...

What has seven arms and sucks?

Def Leppard.

Pour Some Sugar on Me.

TebuckyJonesLoveChild said...

Drops of Jupiter, Train

Yeah, the words are english and they do rhyme, but the lyrics just don't make any fucking sense. Yet no one calls them out. The lead singer is in my top 5 guys I want to punch in the face.

smurphette said...

Gone 'til November - Wyclef. God, I fucking hate that song.

John S. said...

Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want, So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha.

JAMMQ said...

(I've Had) The Time Of My Life from the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack.

fallex said...

Forever Young. Rod Stewart. Your Welcome.

and c'mon chief. Eddy Grant was the tits.

Oh, no!!!

Jordan Ginsberg said...

Eminem - My Name Is

Luckily, the universe has sorted itself out and he's now the 200-plus-pound pill fiend he was always destined to become.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Speaking of Aerosmith; does someone want to explain to me how the fuck they get an entire Guitar Hero game dedicated to them? What the fuck? For fucks sakes they weren't relevent 10 years ago let alone now. GGGRRAAAHH!

Biggus Rickus said...

"She Will be Loved" - Maroon 5

Nobody took them yet, right? I think rules should be bent and just throw out their whole catalogue anyway.

TebuckyJonesLoveChild said...

@ Grimey

Damn it, off the board. That being the case I'm going with "Music" by Madonna for the same reasons.

the chief said...

Rod Stewart's "Forever Young" is the NAMBLA recruiting director's pysche-up song you know.

Prolonged Rod Stewart exposure violates at least three articles of the Geneva convention.

naptown drew said...

"I Had a Bad Day"-Daniel Powter

Guess what? Your day is about to get much worse because I'm going to stab you to death with a bowling pin.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

OH. The Guitar Hero comment just gave me my last pick. "Carry On Wayward Son" by Kansas. I used to be in a cover band and I had to sing this shit for drunk retards at every goddamn show, and I HATE IT.

naptown drew said...

@john s.

What I really, really want is for the Spice Girls to be buried alive in a common grave.

the chief said...

OMC "How Bizzare". The only part anyone knew was "...buy the rights!"

Total. Assgarglers.

Jeff K said...

This draft is awesome.

"Athena" by The Who.

"Athena, my heart felt like a shattered glass in an acid bath
I felt like one of those flattened ants you find on a crazy path
I'd have stopped myself to give her time she didn't need to ask
Was I a suicidal psychopath?
She's just a girl
She's a bomb"

Now that's fucking retarded. They should have packed it in back in 1978 when Keith Moon died. Fuck Pete Townshend right in his deaf ear.

(One other thing: between "lyricsfreak", "lyricsmania", "lyricsdepot", can we have one fucking song lyrics website that doesn't have 10 popup ads and looks like it was coded in 1994?)

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Anything by Ozzy that post-dates No More Tears...and that's pushing it!

Grimey said...

"Redneck Woman" by Gretchen Wilson.

Now no single mom under the age of 25 can have a good time out with her friends.

C.M. Strapz said...

Umm... amazing value pick here:

Escape (The Pina Colada Song)

I don't like the fucking rain... that's why I live in SoCal. It's cold and wet and very uncomfortable to be caught in the rain. FOAD.

the chief said...

There is nothing more annoying than that "Tainted Love" song. That song makes me want to murder housepets.

It's official: Soft Cell loves taint.

Jordan Ginsberg said...

Alanis Morrissette - Ironic

A-thank you.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

"Wild Wild West", Escape Club.
(Kool Moe D's version is ok though).

smurphette said...

Anything by Thievery Corporation. People actually go their fucking concerts? Listening to their music makes me feel like I imagine a lobotomy would feel. To repeat, if you don't want me/any halfway cool girl to take my/her clothes off, then by all means, play their music.

@naptown drew: I love all of your picks. You keep stealing mine!

naptown drew said...

@jeff k

www.metrolyrics.com

brad said...

@ whowillsexmutombo

Did you ever notice how every single song they came out with had the word "scared" in it? Fucking douchebags.

Unblowupable said...

Lady Marmalade

This song makes me want to fill my mouth with bee's and light myself on fire.

Big Daddy Drew said...

"Wonderful Tonight"

I waited tables at lots of weddings.

Biggus Rickus said...

"What If God Was One of Us" - I Forget

Not only does this song suck, but I suspect it inspired the shitheap that is "Joan of Arcadia." If you have proof that I'm wrong about that I don't care and will remain willfully ignorant.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

@ Smurphette -

I think I speak for everyone when I ask, if I want you to take your clothes off, what music should I play?

dick_gozinia said...

Whoever You Are - Geggy Tah

This was out right around the same time as that fucking "Breakfast At Tiffany's" song by Deep Blue Something and was even more annoying. This might be the worst band in history.

devin hester's speech coach said...

"Downtown" - Petula Clark

If you know this song, it needs no further explanation.

John John The Bastard said...

Bartender by T-Pain. The fact that I have to listen to Hot97 has ruined this crap for me.

the chief said...

Right Here, Right Now. Jesus Jones should have been crucified for his little bicycle hat alone.

Jen P said...

Donna Summer - McArthur Park

The whole "Cake in the Rain" lyric made my head explode. Plus it is a crappy ballad/disco number.

naptown drew said...

@wwsm

"I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls

/sorry, I couldn't help it

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Don't Blink by Kenny Chesney

This song is on every time I get in the wife's car. Fuck. Me.

no, no , no wait...DON'T Fuck me! Kenny Chesney...NOOOOOOOO!

johnny said...

Sweet Caroline is by far the steal of the draft. It is the worst song to hear in a bar full of drunken college age chicks who love to yell out the "Bam Bam Bam!" part at the top of their lungs.

E. Jason said...

Free Bird.

rusrus said...

"The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades," by Timbuk3. Every teen-aimed movie from the 80s and early 90s had this fucking song in it. Fuckyou and your cheery uplifting lyrics!

brad said...

"I Wanna Sex You Up" - Color Me Badd

I'm sorry. It just came to me. I beg your forgiveness.

patrick said...

Dancing on the ceiling by some 80's jackass

Look asshole you are NOT dancing on the ceiling but if you want to defy gravity Ill gladly launch your ass off the end of my foot

Brian said...

@ the chief - I'm glad someone killed LFO.

Hip Hop Marmalade spic And span,
Met you one summer and it all began
You're the best girl that I ever did see,
The great Larry Bird Jersey 33


/gouges eyeballs out with a pencil

futuremrsrickankiel said...

if I want you to take your clothes off, what music should I play?

Now THAT would make a good mock draft.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

I don't know if this was prevalent at other college bars, but everytime some band would cover Sweet Caroline in Penn State the drunken revelers would scream "SUCK MY DICK" after the singer would utter Sweet Caroline.

The Lazer said...

Damn, a bit slow on the draw... I was so going to take that Tell Me More song from Grease. Every wedding/Bar mitzva/anything I'm at where they play that makes me want to take on Glondoor in a stone circle death match while slaming my genetailia in a file cabinet drawer. So I'll go with something that gives me a less viceral reaction.

My Pony by Ginuwine. The constant burping in that song makes me nauseous.

naptown drew said...

"Time After Time"-Cyndi Lauper

Single-handedly made me happy my school dances didn't start until the 90's. Also eliminates "Girls Just Want to Have Fun."

brad said...

@ patrick

That was Lionel Richie. Damn, how did he last this long?