Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Ask Jay Cutler!


Jay Cutler, ever the font of priggish wisdom, has agreed to lend an ear to some readers' most pressing problems.

My mother died late last year. My father, who just retired 10 months ago, is now at loose ends. He was always really committed to work so he wasn't sure what to do with himself once he stopped with his job. My parents had a lot of travel plans set up together, but he's not going to follow through on those alone. And I don't think he's ready to start dating again. I really don't want to have him moping around the house, but it's hard for me to keep him company. My brother has a much closer bond with my dad but he moved across the country for work years ago. I'm close by but I still find it difficult to relate to him. I don't want him to be lonely but what can I do to help if we always feel like strangers to one another?

-Conflicted in Charlotte


I don't know.

I told my parents I'm inviting my new boyfriend over for Passover. They're very excited about meeting them, as we've been dating for some time, but they don't know he's not Jewish. They've always pressured me to marry someone who is Jewish and I feel like I'm making a mistake by making this revelation during such an important holiday. The thing is, we've already made plans to move in together. I know I should have said something earlier, but I've never agreed with their position and they've never given any indication that they are going to stray from it.

-So Hard to Jews

That sucks.

I've been happily married for eight years. My wife and I have sex once or twice a week. But I have a serious problem: I'm addicted to pornography.

I keep a stash of porn in a drawer at work. Three times a week, my lunch hour is spent jerking off in the handicapped stall of a public restroom. And that's only the beginning. I have a fetish for shit. An ideal experience for me is to save up my bowel movement until my lunch hour, go to my favorite restroom, and time it just right so that I empty my bowels right before the moment of ejaculation. An extra bonus is if someone arrives at one of the other stalls and takes a shit. The sound and smell of it excites me even more (I am definitely not gay). And once the person leaves, I finish with a head-shattering orgasm.

After a really good one, I sometimes smear my shit on the walls of the stall. I feel very disgusted afterward. I'm not hurting anyone, but this seems wrong. Should I talk to someone?

-Jackin' It in Jackson

Jesus. It's always something with you people.

Thanks Jay!

19 comments:

twoeightnine said...

You're not fooling anyone BDD. Jackin' It in Jackson?

clmetsfan said...

Osi thinks Jackin it in Jackson is a pussy.

Raskolnikov said...

Do we give it up?
Should we give it hell?
Are you makin' a fortune?
Or don't you wanna tell?

Otto Man said...

Jay should have drawn on the inspirational example of his own parents' marriage for the first response.

smurphette said...

The pride of Santa Claus, Indiana.

Pemulis said...

"(I am definitely not gay)."

I love how that's inserted like his fetish is not nearly as bad as say, being attracted to men.

The Last Unitard said...

As a devoted Dan Savage fan, I will pour some of my precious malt liquor on the ground to commemorate his mother's passing.

romolovescock said...

xmas ape, im not even sure why but that was the funniest post ive read in...days. thank you

Tymannosourus said...

Sage advice, Mr. Cutler. My legal writing professor always said, "less is more."

Seems he was right after all.

DC said...

love the elaborate questions. how I think he might have answered the first question: "Your mom's not my favorite person right now. I mean I know cancer isn't like AIDS, you don't get it from tying off while Saol shoots his load all over the boils on your back. But still, this stuff can't happen. I told her 'you keep doing things and you're gonna get cancer' but she wouldn't listen. Now I've got to find another aging bald woman to give me head so I can make it through those awful speeches I have to give for the charity foundation I named after myself. sigh."

James said...

an excerpt from Hints from Henry

Diapers will be soft if you soak them as soon as you remove them in a solution of borax and water according to the directions on the box (about a handful or so of borax to a diaper pail of cold water). Always rinse off feces in the toilet bowl before soaking.

5150 said...

I'd like to hear a reasonable response to Jackin',

SlideShow Bob said...

Thats gonna be one uncomftorble rendition of the Manish Taana

johnny said...

Solid post and condolences to Dan Savage.

Porky1 said...

Fucking great.

Ben said...

I hear he sucks now, but my dad says he might be good some day.

Man Bear Pig said...

I was trying so hard not to laugh while reading this in class today ... I sounded like I was like slowly letting the air out of a tire in short bursts. Psssss! Pssssssss! Psss! Psssss!

Otto Man said...

OT, but South Park just stuck it to Belicheat.

Jackin'4Beats said...

I'd like to hear a reasonable response to Jackin'

The only jackin' he should be doing is jackin'4beats.

That was way too easy. Thanks for the softball 5150.