Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Molested By Jack Hanna Regional Final: Lion vs. Bengal – QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?!

We’ve already had one upset here in the Regional Finals of the KSK Real Mascot Kill Kill Kill Invitational. Can the pesky Bengal tiger put the underdogs at 2-for-2? Or will the mighty lion assert his dominance? Judging by the above video, he’s a cutter and runner! We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it's posted. Voting is closed on this contest. The Bengal won with 63 percent of the vote.


-King of the jungle
-Just a gangsta stalkin’
-Living life like a firecracka, quick is his fuse
-Makes the woman lion do all the work. Good stuff
-Night vision

-Needs couwage. COUWAGE!
-No heart
-What’s with the mane, Simba? Are you such a pussy that a light breeze necessitates a permanent shrug made from your own hair?
-Wait! Waaaait! He never had a chance to love you!
-Always asleep behind a fucking bush during daylight hours at the zoo when I paid good money to watch him feast upon a fresh elephant carcass
-Guitarist Vito Bratta more interested in dazzling technique than good songcraft
-Gets all whiney when the children cry. One united world under God? What a douche.
-Nittany lion? Gay.
-When I was a kid, I used to go to a video store run by a creepy dude named Lion who had the WORST fucking recommendations for movies. He was always saying shit like, “Hey, have you seen ‘That Old Feeling,’ with Bette Midler and Dennis Farina? Hoo hoo. What a movie. I mean it. What. A. Movie.”

Entrance Music:
“Gold Lion,” Yeah Yeah Yeahs


-Makes totally awesome imaginary friend
-Staying in one of those hotel on stilts in Nepal where the tigers are roaming around underneath? Dude, they totally know you’re up there.
-Tiger! Tiger!
-Burning bright
-In the forests of the night
-What immortal hand or eye
-Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
-Excellent golfer despite bizarre Cablinasian ancestry
-Handles Siberian winter with good cheer
-Stripes make great camoflauge. Where’s the tiger? Where’s the tiger? CHOMP! You’re fucked

-Couldn’t finish Roy off
-Forgot to maim Siegfried
-Frosted Flakes get soggy in milk after 4 seconds
-Often confused with taiga, type of barren land dominated by conifers
-Orange color caused by hideous spray-on tan job from Charlize Theron’s stylist
-Ragged Tiger joined forces with Seven to help create subpar Druan Duran album
-Overexposed as college mascot
-That Tigger sure is one lazy tigger

Entrance Music:

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!


The Last Unitard said...

Tigah style.

No contest.

Captain Caveman said...

Tigers can hunt solo; lions need the whole pride.

Also, tigers look cooler.

Claude Balls said...

In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight

Well then, he's gonna get fucked up by the tiger.

Upstate Underdog said...

This match-up would be a lot different if it was a fuck lion.

naptown drew said...

There is only one song that is appropriate for a Bengal's entrance:
Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling
Do you feel my heart beating?
Do you understand?
Do you feel the same?
Am I only dreaming?
Is this burning an eternal flame?

/tries unsuccessfully to remove vagina

Pemulis said...

tiger uppercut!

Chris said...

Wait! Waaaait! He never had a chance to love you!

That made my day.

quiet strength said...

Bill Simmons says that Mike Vrabel would dominate against a lion or tiger in the Octagon. Actually, both. At the same time.

James said...

the purrfect matchup...


J said...

@captain caveman

and it's only the female lions who hunt, the males just sit back and wait for the food to be delivered to them so edge to the tiger

/watches too much Lion King

/wishes this were true for humans

El Duke said...

This would be ah diffrant story if it were Tigah vs Welkah! Fackin' darkie couldn't even beat up me and mah friends Sully, Jacko, Jack O'Sullivan, and Jack-O. Not tah mention mah pal House.

smurphette said...

Makes the woman lion do all the work

Fuck that noise. Tiger!

Animal Mother said...

You forgot one weakness for the Lion: Matt Millen, still in charge.

Bengal, because he's spent time in jail and can take care of himself.

make it snow said...

I'm not sure why the Bengal is the under... cat?

smurphette said...

@make it snow: laughed out loud, take your +1

Mamula Blues said...

you tiger now

Red Pepper said...

Well, the Wu-Tang Clan practice Tiger Style, and they're nothing to fuck wit(h). So I'm going with the mighty bengal. At least until it runs into killer bees.

Leaking Geek said...

Tiger, Tiger, burning bright...

In the orange light of his Flame Thrower, bitch!

Lion. Is. Toast.

Tracer Bullet said...

I was going with Tiger on the strength of Hobbes, but I fucking hate "Eye of the Tiger" and living in Philadelphia I hear that shit entirely too goddamn much.


JAMMQ said...

Everyone knows Bengals have more experience in fights, even without Chris Henry on the roster.

Kyle321N said...

Disneyh style fight here:

Shere Khan vs. Mufasa

We all know Khan would kick Mufasa's ass. Who gets trampled by something they kill anyway?

El Duke said...

If this ends up boiling down to Bear vs. Bengal does that count as a rematch of Shere Khan vs. Baloo from the Jungle Book?

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Such bullshit.

A lion gets to sit around with multiple females, fuck whom ever he wishes, not hunt, look good and protect the pride.

Do you know why? Because he can.

Buckets said...

I spent some time studying in Ghana. We went on a touristy safari, some things went bad. Point of the story is I saw a Lion murder 3 tigers. Then he started shitting on them. It was weird. But it happened.

Otto Man said...

I saw a Lion murder 3 tigers. Then he started shitting on them.

Wait -- Osi Umenyura was traded to Detroit?

Nathan said...

Don't take this from me KSK fans. This may be the only thing the Bengals have a chance at winning all year.

/damn it, time to cut Chris Henry