Monday, April 7, 2008

The End Of Brett Favre. The Beginning Of Favraro


I’ve been meaning to cancel my subscription to Sports Illustrated. Do I really need to know what Kristis Yamaguchi’s favorite food to microwave is? No, I do not. (She said “leftovers,” which isn’t even a fucking specific food. What a whore.) But I need something to read while I’m burning 5 calories an hour on the elliptical at the gym. (It does all the working out for you!)

But it’s clear now that I should spend my gym time reading whatever copy of Redbook someone left lying around instead. Because this week’s issue of SI contained a handful of letters to the editor regarding Brett Favre’s retirement that made me want to swallow my own head. And since I had to read this incredible dogshit, you do too.

Watching his play and his life for 17 years, we didn’t just see Brett Favre in that Number 4 jersey. We saw our uncle, our brother-in-law, or our fishing buddy. No, Brett wasn’t the greatest quarterback ever to have played. He was just the greatest GUY to ever play quarterback. We’re going to miss you, Brett.

-Scott Powell, Rexford, NY


I… I can’t even… must fight… homicidal urges…

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME? YOU MUST BE SHITTING ME. YOU BE OPENING MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW AND SHITTING DIRECTLY INTO IT.

Here’s who Brett Favre was, Scotty. He was a very good, durable quarterback. Many times, you may have enjoyed watching him play the game with great skill and creativity. When he wasn’t throwing more interceptions than any player in league history. Other than that, you, Scotty Powell, KNOW FUCKING DICK ABOUT BRETT FAVRE. He’s a fucking stranger to you. For all you know, he boned your niece back at Southern Miss after hitting the ‘shine bong. YOU AREN’T FUCKING RELATED TO HIM. HE’S NOT YOUR GODDAMN POKER BUDDY. “Oooh, look at Brett! He likes to hunt! And he has stubble! He’s so much like me, it’s scary!” Jesus.

“Do you know Vince Vaughn? Have you ever met him? I feel like we’d really get along well. I just… he seems like a fun guy. I feel like we’d hang together well.”

There’s no tangible evidence that Brett Favre is a better person than Trent Dilfer, Jim Kelly, or hundreds of other people who have played the position. Maybe one day, I pray, we’ll be able to do a blood test for Kindness and Warmth. But, until that day, KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF.

But wait. There’s more.

People would laugh when I said “we” won or lost a game because “You’re not part of the team. You didn’t win or lose.” But I always felt like Brett Favre played for me, the fan, so, yes, we did, win and lose together. Every emotion I felt, I felt with him. Brett, enjoy your retirement. We love you, respect you, and, most of all, we will miss you.

-Anna Garcia, Arbuckle, CA


Actually, Anna, the people laughing at you were on to something. For you see, Brett Favre signed a contract with the Green Bay Packers that stipulated he play football in exchange for money and possible health benefits. It’s in writing. I SWEAR. I’m quite sure Favre was pleased to see fans happy with a Packer victory. Know who else felt the same way? EVERY OTHER PLAYER ON THE TEAM. “Omigod! He won that game just for me!” “Omigod! He felt sad after a loss! I felt the exact same way!” “Omigod! He’s jumping up and down after a touchdown! I DO THAT!”

Indeed. Amazing.

The NBA will never replace Michael Jordan, and the NFL will never replace Brett Favre.

-Craig Earl, North Logan, Utah


Actually, Craig. They replaced him well before he retired. Ever watch Tom Brady or Peyton Manning play quarterback? They’re just like Favre, only they don’t throw 500 ill-advised, back-breaking interceptions a year! Who knew you could have your cake and eat it too?

Do you know what’s happening here? Brett Favre has officially become just like fucking Barbaro. A bunch of retard fans, easily swayed by the “special” status bestowed upon Favre by the media, have begun making all sorts of baseless emotional connections with him. He was more than a quarterback! He was a family member! He attended my wedding in spirit! We have imaginary children together! Our lives are incredibly intertwined!

Enough already. You didn’t know Brett Favre, and he didn’t know you. He played for the team you liked and he was good at it. So much so that he became your favorite player. That's neat. But you wouldn't have known him any better if he had been a fucking horse. You admired him from afar. That’s it.

If that isn’t enough for your emotional needs, buy a fucking dog.

49 comments:

rukrusher said...

"In Rainbows"

From God's Loving Heart
Beautiful Visions
Beautiful Creations
Mystical
God's Wonders
His Artistry
So Very Beautiful Angels Here
Love That Keeps Us Warm
Angel Blossoms
Flowers Blooming So Beautifully
The Beach
The Horse In The Sea
The Sea Of Tranquility
Calming Waters
Divine Healing
The Signs Of Inspiration
In Spirit
Tuning In To God
God Brings Comfort
God Brings The Rainbows
It Is Brettbaro
His Halo Is Glowing
All The Beautiful Colors
His Wings Of Love
The Wing Is A Rainbow........

Believing Makes It So........
It Is Love........
Love Is A Rainbow........8........Halos........
All Spiritual........

Affirmed

whowillsexmutombo? said...

"A bunch of retard fans... have begun making all sorts of baseless emotional connections with him."

Isn't this the sort of connection that leads people to shoot the president in order to impress Jodie Foster?

Spud Randall said...

I once saw Mike McKenzie out gun shopping.

August West said...

"Do you know what’s happening here? Brett Favre has officially become just like fucking Barbaro"

Crystalized observation of the year.

Upstate Underdog said...

Fucking Scott from Rexford, enough with the man crush. And ending the letter with "we're going to miss you". Speak for yourself homo, I won't miss Favre

denvergodfather said...

Amen BDD. That being said all of this is true about John Elway.

I will leave now.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Actually it was Mark Shamura who boned Scott's niece at Southern Miss.

Chamomiles Davis said...

BDD,

Perhaps an open letter to these individuals would help them understand.

Eh, probably not. There's no way to undrink the Kool-Aid.

quiet strength said...

My cat would love Brett. He'd curl up in his lap and Brett would scratch him behind the ear...

Man Chowdah! said...

Brett Farve won a game for me once. The announcers kept saying some business about his dead father, but I know he was playing to make me happy.

Tymannosourus said...

You speak to the very heart of the Vikings fan, Drew. We've had to endure millions of announcer comments like "he just has so much fun out there, doesn't he?...", "that's just Brett Favre being Brett Favre...", and "I want to drink Brett Favre's pee, etc."

It drives us all absolutely crazy, and I fear that they won't stop even after this long awaited retirement. His immunity from criticism and his undue praise will not be missed on this side of the st. croix river.

QueeferSuthrland said...

I'm not your guy, friend!

Dr. Fünke’s 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution said...

Legend? Farverah went undrafted for 10 rounds in my fantasy league, and we had girls in our league. Girls!

Gtmatt22 said...

He is not your friend, guy!

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

All of this is true, EXCEPT when he was beating the Vikings, then I think he was truly doing it for all of humanity, truly and everyman, a warrior for the working-day, his gayness and his gilt all besmirched with rainy marching in the painful field.

ken shen said...

Hahaaaaaaaaaaaaa Vikings fans.

brick said...

I had much the same reaction when the day he announced his retirement I heard grown men calling into NFL radio and crying because Farve was done.

Are you kidding me, he was a QB, he didn't die, he retired, he isn't part of your family

for the most part I enjoyed watching Farve play (as long as I remembered to mute the TV), well except for the game after his dad died. Poor Philip Buchanon, you would have thought he killed Brett's dad the way Brett beat him.

Danny G said...

Throw Favre, Throw!!!

Sorry, I miss the Barbaro days at Deadspin.

LOV2H8 said...

@ Dr. Funke

You had girls in your fantasy football league? You should be deported.

Dr. Fünke’s 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution said...

lov2h8,

What can I say? Until they pass legislation banning women from the workplace, I'm screwed.

/crossing fingers

Team Captain said...

Steve Young > Brett Favre

There, I said it.

smurphette said...

I heard grown men calling into NFL radio and crying because Farve was done.

I have to admit, I cried when Joe Montana retired. But, in my defense, I was only 12 and I'm a girl.

E. Jason said...

And, smurphette, Montana never threw so many bad interceptions.

Skye said...

Having grown up in Wisconsin, I have always been a Green Bay fan, and I thought Brett Favre was a great player and most of the time fun to watch, though game-killing interceptions always were painful.

I really was not that disappointed that he retired, he had a great run and that is the way it goes. It was cool to see him set some records.

People should get over it, if not then they need to do the rest of us a favor and put a bullet in their brain.

This would be entirely different if they took my favorite team away.

Marcus said...

"But you wouldn't have known him any better if he had been fucking a horse."

FIXED.
{ k }

Awful Chief said...

Drew, that post totally spoke to me. I mean, whoa. Seriously, did you write that just for me? You are so right about all those retard fans thinking they have some sort of special "connection" with Favre. When you wrote
“Oooh, look at Brett! He likes to hunt! And he has stubble! He’s so much like me, it’s scary!” Jesus.
I was like, EXACTLY. Holy shit, I can tell from your writing that if we knew each other we'd be such good friends.

Otto Man said...

These people are likely the same 'tards who voted for Bush because he was the candidate they'd most like to have a beer with.

Yeah, who cares about his positions on the issues that will actually affect your life? Maybe one day he'll come over and you two can braid each others' hair!

Citizen 10Cane said...

I just like when I can tell who's writing the post by the first two sentences.

You see, Big Daddy Drew is more than just a blogger to me. I feel like every blog he writes, he's choosing each curse word specifically FOR ME. When he goes into the mind of Jerry Jones, it's like we talked about that day before he even typed it. And when I talk to my friends about his blogs, I say things like "Man, Drew and I really wrote a hilarious blog today," and they know exactly what I mean because it's like we're the same person almost.

Citizen 10Cane said...

@awfulchief:
Dammit.

Man Chowdah! said...

Holy shit, I can tell from your writing that if we knew each other we'd be such good friends.

Given the post subject, ironic?

Awful Chief said...

Sorry to sort of steal your thunder there, c 10c.
Jeez, Drew still hasn't responded to my comment. I hope he's not mad at me...

Citizen 10Cane said...

Don't worry, I can totally tell what he's thinking. He's super stoked with both of us right now.

J.L. White said...

I think Drew fails to see the service that Brett Favre provided -- and continues to provide -- for millions upon millions of closeted gay men across this country (but mostly in Wisconsin). These flaming, cock-worshiping homosexuals have had to stuff their humongous gayness deep into their sub-conscious, out of shame and fear. But for a scant few moments, be it watching the game in a bar with some friends, calling a sports radio show, or even writing a letter to SI, these gay men can proudly exclaim their butt-pounding love for Favre without fear of reprisal. When a gay man says, "He was just the greatest GUY to ever play quarterback," he really is saying, "I want to fuck Brett Favre in the asshole." Everywhere else poor Scott must bottle up his man lust, so giving Favre verbal fellatio is as close as he'll ever get to being himself. Would you really take that away from them?

Big Daddy Drew said...

I wrote that just for you, awful chief!

Awful Chief said...

YAAAAY!

smurphette said...

Way to pick favorites, Drew. I hope citizen10cane isn't cutting himself right now.

Tim said...

Favre is Barbaro because he boned the Vikings with his horse cock for 16 years...

Animal Mother said...

I'm not afraid to admit I love Favre. I loved him when he threw that interception in overtime against the Giants. I just know he was reading my mind and right before he chucked it up, he thought, this one's for you Animal.

I'm sure we could be best pals if he would just read my letters, e-mails and notes tied to those adorable little bears I send him.

I bet we could hunt down Scott in Rexford and film him rimming Brett's asshole and post it on Faggots In Love with Favre or as we call them, FILF's.

Citizen 10Cane said...

@smurphette:
What I really meant was that I've always had a secret connection with Ape.
In fact, I coined the phrase Marmalard on one of our sleepovers.

J said...

Awful comparison,Drew.

Barbaro would totally make a better glue than Brett Favre. "Elmers Favre" would just be running all down the page trying to hug people....

Tymannosourus said...

@ tim:

Except in the playoffs... 4 int's. Greatest game evah.

But seriously, he destroyed us plenty of other times.

bfreakin3 said...

I hate that fucking horse, and I really hate that fucking brett favre.

thanks for this. bravo sir. bravo.

Dickens Cider said...

Hey Vikings fans...what is worse? Losing to the Giants by 3 in OT in the NFC Championship, or losing to them by 41 in the NFC Championship? Or blowing it against the Dirty Birds?? HAHAH

Tymannosourus said...

The answer is beating them at home in the playoffs and then having Randy give the greatest F-U TD celebration in football history.

I didn't want this to devolve into a Vikes-Pack rivalry conversation, but I must defend milady's honor.

FTA said...

Wow. I thought I was the only one who still had a subscription to SI. So there are two of us, plus my barber. That makes three. Good to know.

Dickens Cider said...

Haha Touche...Tymann...touche

Livingston said...

What? No one has the Vicodin addiction that me, Scotty, and Favre share together?

Comicbook Guy said...

Brett Farve ran over my dog one. In my fantasy Losers Bracket, he suked worse than ever. Bye.

Tony said...

hahaha. deliciously bitter. people are so gay and stupid.