Friday, April 4, 2008

KSK Mock Draft: Pet Peeves


This week's draft is pet peeves we want ridden from the world.

Important note: PEOPLE CAN'T BE PET PEEVES. "Ugh, I hate it when people bite their nails." That's a pet peeve. "Ugh, I hate Jews." That would be racism.

With a nod to this McSweeney's piece, we went four rounds (and could have gone 70), so there's no additional commentary today.

ROUND 1

1. APE: Prefacing a demand or another question with a question

A favorite of women and relatives. "Can I ask you a question?" "Can you do me a favor?" I'm not signing onto something rhetorically without knowing what it is, so just fucking come out and say it. More bothersome is when someone asks you whether you plan on a certain course of action then demands you not do it. "Are you doing such and such today?" Yes. "Well, I really don't think you should."

2. MAJ: Answering the question "What do you want to do?" with "I don't know, what do you want to do?"

I asked you first, god damn it!

3. DREW: Chipped and/or ugly nail polish

I fucking hate dark nail polish on women. But worse than that, by far, is chipped nail polish. Fucking disgusting. I can't look at Britney Spears' fingers without wanting to throw up in a bucket. Buy some acetone, lady.

4. UFF: Multi-tasking while on your cell phone in public

There are so many things about cell phone use that bother the shit out of me that I had to make this intentionally vague. You're ordering something from Starbucks? Get off the fucking phone. Driving a car? Get off the fucking phone. Watching a movie at the theater? Why is your phone even on, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. You are NOT that important.

5. PUNTER: Groups of people that refuse to walk single file down the sidewalk when other people are coming.

You're not in a parade, and no one's filming you. MOVE!

6. FLUBBY: People who are waiting to turn left at an intersection controlled by a light, but refuse to scootch up into the intersection once the light turns green.

It prevents people who are behind them from turning right and increases the chance nobody will get through before the light changes. Even if you are a selfish prick like me who doesn't give a damn about anyone else, rolling forward into the intersection guarantees that you will make it through the light. Gaaah!! Just thinking about it makes me want to break stuff.


ROUND 2

7. FLUBBY: People who start a story or explanation with the word "basically."

Don't say it; it adds nothing to whatever you're saying and makes you sound like a damn fool. You might as well use a verbal pause like "duhhhhh" or "durrrrrr." If anything, when you hear the word "basically" you can be assured that the following story will not be just the basics, and will probably be some meadering bullshit you will tune out after about four seconds. Basically what I'm saying here is die is a fire, asshole.

8. PUNTER: People that dress slutty and then get pissed off when I start staring.

Somebody needs to explain this to me. If you don't want me looking at your tits, put them in an actual shirt, one that actually buttons up to at least your sternum. I'm gonna look. It's not a crime until I bend you over the sink in the ladies' room, and even then, you still have to say no.

9. UFF: People blocking others from walking up (or down) an escalator.

"Yay! These stairs move! Who cares that it's at one-fourth the pace of a physically fit human being? I'm tired." Then you best clear the fuck out of my way, fatty. I got places to be, specifically: Not-standing-still-on-an-escalator Town.

10. DREW: Not using your turn signal.

I DON'T FUCKING HAVE ESP. GIVE ME A GODDAMN HEADS UP.

11. MAJ: Arguing with children

Not only are children stupid, but they don't play by the established rules of arguing. Trying to reason with a child is like trying to masturbate when you're too drunk to stand up. Eventually you just realize that it isn't happening, so you might as well pass out.

12. APE: Homeless people who approach you with a spiel

"Oh, heyheyhey. You look like a good person. I'm in some trouble, can you help me out? I'm a veteran of six foreign wars trying to get on my feet. I just need money for the subway to get over to the Housing Department. If I don't get to the court by tomorrow, they're going to throw me in prison. Tell me, can you help me out?"


ROUND 3

13. APE: Greedy fucking homeless people

This happened in Georgetown a few months ago: I gave some dude busking on the street a dollar and he asked if I had a five or a ten. Like, really pressed me about it and almost got it my face. I was about to reel back and fucking hit him. Also annoying is when homeless people want specific change. "Hey thanks for the nickels and dimes, say, could I have a quarter instead?"

[NOTE: Technically, they're panhandlers. But the motherfuckers should still DIE.]

14. MAJ: Christmas

I'm not going to paste Maj's reasoning here, because that's an asshole pick. Hey, don't like Christmas? Move to Israel. See if you can get courtside tickets for the Wizards there.

15. DREW: Fucking up my takeout order

These days calling takeout means I have to sit on the phone with the person on the other end, who does not speak good English, and repeat my order at least two times, then asking them to repeat it back to me. And they STILL fuck it up, Panera being by far the worst perpetrator. DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE SHIT IN THEIR EARS? And they fucking put mayonnaise on my sandwich when I specifically said I didn't fucking want it. Is this England? Fuck you and fuck your fucking mayonnaise. Fuckhead.

16. UFF: Disturbing my peace on the subway

This includes teenagers attempting to blast tinny music from their Verizon phone, panhandlers, loud conversationalists, and people who wear headphones but listen to them so loudly that you can't help but hear their music. Just fucking sit there and zone out like the rest of us normal human beings.

17. PUNTER: People who don't RSVP

How are you so goddamn important that you can't give me some sort of notice? Yes, I'm coming. No, I'm not. Fuck your stupid poker night. It takes five fucking minutes.

18. FLUBBY: Good beer in frosted glasses

I'm hardly a beer snob; I drink too much overpriced Bud at sporting events to claim otherwise. But I absolutely hate it when I order a Sierra Nevada or whatnot at a bar and they serve it in a frosted glass. Look shithead, macro-brew American lager needs to be kept and consumed ice-cold otherwise it tastes like horse piss. Good beer does not. In fact, the cold glass takes away much of the taste. One time a bartender actually served me a Guinness in a frosted glass. I still hate that bastard.


FINAL ROUND

19. FLUBBY: The Miami Dolphins logo.

It's positively mystifying. Look at it, the dolphin is wearing a helmet with a big letter 'M' on it? Whose helmet is that? If it was a Miami Dolphins helmet, it would have another logo on the side, not a big orange 'M'. Just what exactly is this dolphin's problem? If that old bastards Shula and Buoniconti want to do something useful, they need to get off their asses and get to the bottom of this.

20. PUNTER: When I make a declarative statement about something, and then I'm IMMEDIATELY ASKED for my opinion about that something.

Her: Look at my new jacket.
Me: That looks great on you.
Her: Doesn't it look great on me?
Me: Yes, you deaf whore; I just said that.


21. UFF: "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon.

"I bet you think this song is about you, don't you? Don't you?" Of COURSE he thinks it's about him! How many of her boyfriends could possibly have horses winning at Saratoga? Oh, but HE'S vain because he's able to recognize personal details from his own life? What a fucking bitch.

22. DREW: The growing national pussification with regards to mildly inclement weather

It's particularly bad here in DC. I have a 40,000 word rant about this in my brain for later. All I'll say for now is that school was closed here in MD a month or two ago because it RAINED. That's it. People have been taught by local government and retard weathermen to freak out when they see a goddamn speck of sleet. It's fucking pathetic.

23. MAJ: Undecided voters

In our draft thread, Maj quoted four stanzas of Dante to let us know he doesn't like indecisive pussies.

24. APE: The phrase "Talk about..."

It's an aw-gosh broadcasting trope that makes zero sense and infuriates the bejesus out of me. "Talk about threading the needle!" That's not an exclamation. It's a request.

There are no fewer than 800,000 other things that also piss us off, but we'll stop the draft there so y'all can tell us about your gripes.

320 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

People that get on an elevator before people get out of the elevator.

seriously, wait your fucking turn and let me out before you get in.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I'd like to note my first pick also covers men who wear nail polish. Because nail polish on men is fucking nauseating.

Moof! said...

Anyone identifying themselves by their racial heritage. If you do this, you have absolutely nothing else to say. Fuck your jewish and irish heritage you scum.

naptown drew said...

When you use a public bathroom and the person walking out the door ahead of you doesn't wash their hands. I will actually come out behind these people and say in a loud voice "Hey, you nasty motherfucker...wash your fucking hands after you use the bathroom." Hopefully I am solving this problem one slob at a time.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

People who try to talk on their cell phones in a elevator.

I hate you, die.

Upstate Underdog said...

BDD, it is sad that you had to clarify that.

Unsilent Majority said...

It's called a canto, not a stanza, you philistine!

/pretentious

John John The Bastard said...

@ U.U. the same could be said for the subway or bus.

My pick, I choose slow walkers. Working in Harlem, I have to suffer through human traffic jams on an hourly basis. I go on lunch to avoid frustration not engage in more of it dammit. There should be a passing lane on the fucking sidewalks up here.

quiet strength said...

When you're walking through a door behind a woman and she just swings the door out. So I'm supposed to hold the door open for you, and you just let it swing shut in my face? Die.

I have a feeling this will be an angry thread.

Unsilent Majority said...

and to be clear, i don't hate the holiday of christmas, just the month that leads into it.

Irwin M. Fletcher said...

biggest pet peeve: the term pet peever

Big Daddy Drew said...

The Starbucks sizing system.

naptown drew said...

@maj

You mean, like, Hanukkah?

Irwin M. Fletcher said...

that's 'peeve'.

NeverNude said...

Driving behind some asshole going 10 MPH under the speed limit, then you hit a 2 lane section and they immediately speed up, making passing the impossible.

Choke on a cock

J said...

Biggest Pet Peeve, girls who complain when you leave the toilet seat up, but then complain when you get a little splatter on the seat. How much effort does it take for them to look down realize that the whole is bigger than their ass and then put the seat down.....

Living with my girlfriend has made me angry....

Pemulis said...

Office lingo. When someone mentions 'shooting an email up the foodchain' or saying that someone will 'download the information' to them. or says 'lets have a little pow wow' i want to murder them. I actually even saw an email where someone asked "what's your 20?" when asking for someones office location

Unsilent Majority said...

And I - my head oppressed by horror - said:
"Master [Virgil], what is it that I hear? Who are
those people so defeated by their pain?"

And he to me: "This miserable way
is taken by the sorry souls of those
who lived without disgrace and without praise.

They now commingle with the coward angels,
the company of those who were not rebels
nor faithful to their God, but stood apart.

The heavens, that their beauty not be lessened,
have cast them out, nor will deep Hell receive them -
even the wicked cannot glory in them."

twoeightnine said...

Cunts who get offended when I use the word cunt.

Unsilent Majority said...

I'm not a big fan of Hannukah either.

THE HOLIDAY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH GIFT GIVING!

naptown drew said...

@pemulis

The next time somebody tells you there's a "disconnect," tell them it will be their head from their body.

Smitty Lite said...

I fucking hate drivers who creep forward waiting for the light to turn green. Just have a little GD patience or stare at the opposite light like the rest of us...

Jay said...

The term "thinking outside the box". I'd like to put you IN the box, 45 feet below the surface of a body of water...

naptown drew said...

People who smoke next to building entrances. Unless it's weed.

NeverNude said...

Worse than someone who doesn't hold the door open... someone who holds it open for you when you're too far away and have to pick up the pace to a slow jog.

Listen fuck head. I spent time putting together a wardrobe that will hide my guts and tits. The jog throws it all out of whack. I was going to get laid if it wasn't for that jog, or... until the girl realized that "I am me"

MDZ said...

People who come to a complete stop at the end on an interstate on-ramp.

Nate said...

Philadephians. And no, it's not an -ism, because my feelings about Philadelphians closely mirror BDD's about nail polish on men. Nauseating.

John S. said...

Anytime someone references a "mid life crisis."

God damn if I don't want to unload on just about anyone who utters that phrase when a guy in a nice sports car drives by.

You know what? If I could afford a Porche when I was 18, I would have had one. However, you can't afford these cars until you are older or born into a rich family.

Instead of some sort of psycho-babble explanation could it just be that the guy in question always wanted a top-notch performance car and has finally been able to afford it?

No.... that CAN'T be it.

naptown drew said...

When somebody makes more than one alteration to their fast-food sandwich order. Guess what, asshole...this isn't Ruth's Chris. There's 20 other sandwiches on the board. Find one that doesn't take you 30 seconds to order. Besides, they're going to fuck it up anyway.

John John The Bastard said...

For my next pick I choose people who Jay walk and then stare at you like your an asshole for driving your car down the street. Those motherfuckers alone are the reason I sold my car.

Rob said...

Machines that call you at night and don't start speaking for 30 seconds after you pick up. Whoever actually believes that this method is going to achieve some sort of sale should be hung by his toenails and blowtorched "Hostel-style."

Upstate Underdog said...

People that don't return their shopping carts and just leave them in the parking lot.

Again, walk a few fucking yards and return those motherfuckers where they belong.

Christmas Ape said...

Asian takeout receipts with a tip area.

Fuck no, I'm not tipping you for me picking up my food. But by not putting something in there, I have to fear you're gonna spit in my General Tso's. EXTORTION!

Romance Explosions said...

Any jingle or song as a cell phone ringer. If its in your pocket it should be on vibrate. If you have to have a ringer it should be just that - a fucking ringer. Not an Asian festival march, not the Knightrider theme and certainly not the newest Miley Cyrus song, I dont care how catchy it is.

and god help you if you have a ring back, it will be the last time I ever call you.

Smitty Lite said...

People who order shit like margaritas and martinis when the line at the bar is 5-deep.

I'll give you a rum and coke, that shit is on tap. Otherwise, order a fucking beer and get the hell out of the way...

Suss said...

Gang rape. I can't place why I don't like it, it just irritates me is all.

smurphette said...

People blocking others from walking up (or down) an escalator.

STAND ON THE RIGHT, ASSHOLE! Tourists and Asians are the fucking worst.

My pick: When someone is condescending and has no fucking right to be. Sorry that I'm younger than you and a girl, and better at my job, you gutless douchebag.

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

@nevernude: seconded

A close relative of this species (and my preferred peeve) is the one that sees you attempting to make an unprotected left turn on green from 500 yards away and FLOORS it to make sure you have to wait at least one more car.

Word Verification: magot...how appropriate.

Tracer Bullet said...

Soccer fans who won't let me be disinterested in soccer. No, I don't like your stupid sport, but I'm willing to ignore it. But you, you stupid gnob-gobbler, keep insisting that soccer is the greatest sport in the world and enjoyed by billions and blah, blah, blah. Soccer is directly tied to the pussification of this nationa and I, for one, will not fucking stand for it. Let Eurotrash and South American mud people keep that shit; Americans play football, damn you.

crazyjoedavola said...

People who take pictures of Ground Zero as if it some kind of goddamn tourist attraction. I think we should be allowed to snatch the camera and throw it the fuck in there.

dick_gozinia said...

Bluetooth or hands free cell phone users not in their car.

Listen asshole...those things were made so you could talk on the phone in your car, not so you could stand in a public place and look like a person talking to themselves and confusing/annoying everybody else within earshot. Also, just pick up the phone and put it to your ear, lazyass.

Tonzi said...

I gotta side with Uff about the escalator. My issue is with the people that bring their roller bag on the escalator and then the second they get to the top or bottom, they pull out the handle and slowly start moving forward without moving to the side.

YOUR BAG IS IN THE WAY, JACKASS! Where am I supposed to go? I trip over their bag, the person behind me steps on me, then it becomes a huge clusterfuck of falling people, while the asshole with the bag rolls away. I HATE YOU ROLLER BAG ON THE ESCALATOR GUY!

Josh said...

Incompetence. If you can't do something right, or try to claim you can and then follow up on that claim, save yourself 5 minutes and just don't do it. It makes you look fucking stupid and totally disrupts the flow of the human race.

swing4 said...

Mothers who bring gargantuan strollers into mall stores, clogging the aisles and making it impossible to run in quickly to grab a pair of stockings, etc.

They make portable "umbrella" strollers. You asked for every other goddamned thing on your baby registry, why not an item that would actually show some consideration for your fellow humans, as well?

naptown drew said...

In typical KSK fashion, this has turned from "Peeves" into "People" we want ridden from the world. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Smitty Lite said...

People who are driving 10mph under the speed limit in the left lane on the interstate. The left lane is the FAST lane asshole. Get over to the right where you belong...

John S. said...

tracerbuller - A well writeen and, dare I say, brilliant article on why one is to hate soccer.

http://therealshotter.blogspot.com/2006_06_01_archive.html

(scroll down one entry)

Upstate Underdog said...

Not resetting the microwave oven at work.

We have assholes where I work that always leave a few seconds on the microwave. Clear that fucker.

Basically I hate lazy people that make little or no effort to be courteous.

J said...

Closer Talkers.....man you are violating my personal space...back the fuck up....

swing4 said...

People who throw lit cigarette butts from car windows.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Three from FKS:

-Bikers riding in the dead center of the fucking road

-Tevas

-Vacationing stickers

dick_gozinia said...

@ smitty lite - fuck & yes.

One-sided myspace conversations. I hate when you look at somebody's myspace page and they had a conversation with somebody in their comments section. So, all you see is the other person's comments and would need to go to that person's page just to get the gist of the conversation. Fuck you. Don't hold conversations on your myspace comments page....that shit is more gay than having a myspace page in the first place.

Upstate Underdog said...

hairy vaginas. Let's keep it nice and neat down there.

naptown drew said...

If you are going to talk about politics, religion, or sports, for the love of God do not sound like a fifth-grader doing it. It's cool with me if you support Michael Vick or you're voting for McCain, but please don't tell me it's because you're "from Atlanta" or "McCain will keep us safe."

CubsDynasty said...

I hate the word surreal, whenever someone is interviewed on the news the situation was "surreal." I view it as a dumbass way to describe a situation without any details. The word is fucking everywhere now, its one of those shitty $2 words that people think its impressive to use. Its not, it shows you have no ability to describe a situation.

The Capgun Bandit said...

When someone rushes to pull out in front of you and you have to hit the brakes...when there is no one else behind me! Its one thing if there is a mile long line of cars behind me. By all means, sneak your ass in there, but there is 10 miles of empty road behind me if you just wait 7 seconds.

swing4 said...

And, since this is a football blog... two minutes of idiotic, speculative blather by the announcers during instant replays. We are all watching the same clip. I don't need you to tell me five hundred times that you think his knee was down. I heard you the first time. Oh, AND I SAW IT MYSELF!

Christmas Ape said...

Parking meters that only accept quarters.

John John The Bastard said...

Mispronounciation, again, working in Harlem this is something that I am consistantly plagued with. My supervisor can't even pronounce the word subordinate

MDT said...

Cover charges. Look, asshole, if I'm going to a BAR, I'm going to buy a DRINK, and you're going to charge me too much for it anyway. Why do I need to pay for that privilege?

twoeightnine said...

Women who are personally offended when someone calls some girl on the internet fat. You're basically admitting to being fat or ugly or fatugly. I don't surf the internet hoping to see girls that would actually sleep with me.

dick_gozinia said...

Any shithead that writes "FIRST!" in any web comments section. Hey, you were first...congratulations. Now go die in a fire.

JohnDewar said...

Tip jars in places like Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts.

If you need money to supplement your barista income, please consider growing up and getting a real job.

naptown drew said...

@uu

Yes. On the flipside, otherwise attractive females who tweeze too much of their eyebrows off. I could never be drunk enough to bring Powder home.

Captain Caveman said...

Oh my God. I can't believe I forgot to pick men with rolling luggage.

Ladies, that's cool that you're delicate and weak and need wheels to help move your bag of shoes and lipstick. But men who can't fucking carry their belongings aren't really men at all.

Sisto said...

Chicks with dicks.

Is it raelly that hard to pick a side?

Eroc and Rudakid said...

People who bitch about people smoking in front of entrances. Last time I checked this was dried tobacco burning in paper...not burning flesh or leaping parasites from hell that will infect your cranium.

For christ sake...buck up!

Ben said...

People who pass me on the right while I'm driving on an interstate.

Look, I'm already driving 10 mph over the limit in the left lane, are you that anxious to get ahead of me! If you really want to pass me, drive right behind me and I'll pull over and let you pass. Fucking Pennsylvania drivers suck.

John S. said...

cc: A-fucking-men on the rolling luggage.

A-fucking-men.

Tracer Bullet said...

Poor gym ettiqutte. Look, I hate the gym. I only go because it (slightly) decreases the odds my wife will eventually leave me for somebody who can see his feet. So you nasty motherfuckers who don't bring a towel or wipe off the equipment when you're done? You should die. Those who sit on the machines between sets or workout right in front of the fucking dumbell rack or generally waste my time? You should die in a fire.

Upstate Underdog said...

Men that wear sneakers to work that aren't gym teachers or basketball players.

twoeightnine said...

People who drive in the left hand lane on the interstate when no one is in the right hand land. There's a reason it's called the passing lane schmucks.

Upstate Underdog said...

Cars that take up 2 parking spots because some cocksucker doesn't know how to properly park a car.

Tracer Bullet said...

John S.

Bravo, sir. Bravo.

rbn622 said...

people who drive 65 in the fast lane. hey dickhead, if the people to your right are passing you, you are going too slow. change lanes or so help me, when i get in front of you i am turning on my windshield wipers.


...also, cops who act like they are on your level: "hey man, i was just like you once"...oh really? well i guess i dont mind you confiscating my "parephenalia" and giving me this ticket then. asshole.

MDT said...

Child locks on car doors (and by extension, those windows that don't roll all the way down). If your kid thinks it's a good idea to open the car door at 75 mph on I-95, you are a shitty parent.

Miyamoto's Chin said...

People who go to places where you can buy pre - made sandwiches that are already in a deli case and ask if they can get the sandwich "without the onions." There's a place for that, dipshit, it's called Subway. You are not at Subway, so order your sandwich and move on.

iamsofaking said...

"quite"
People write this to try and appear smarter and it does the exact opposite. As soon as I hear or see this I know that I am dealing with a tool and start to fade out.

John S. said...

tracerbullet - Thank you.

FreshlySqueezedLemon said...

Anyone who starts a conversation with "Honestly,..." or "To Tell you the Truth,..."

If you don't preface your sentence with that, should I assume you're a fuckin' lier?

ASmith said...

When people use the word "yummy" to describe anything at all.

As in "Your apartment smells yummy" or "That sunset looks yummy." What does that even mean?

FreshlySqueezedLemon said...

Also, when driving on an ordinary 2 lane road, I hate the fuckers that make left hand turns, and won't pull over into the on-coming lane (if vacant) 100 yards before the corner.

We call it a "Farmer's Turn". Do it people.

Tracer Bullet said...

"That being said." For some reason, this breathtakingly stupid expression is everywhere lately. The correct phrase is, "That said." Of course it's "being said," you stupid shit. YOU'RE FUCKING SAYING IT. It's redundantt and mindless and makes you sound like an uneducated asshole.

Man, I am just full of rage today. Goddamn, it feels good.

FreshlySqueezedLemon said...

s/b "liar"

The Lazer said...

Local News scare tactic stories.

Yes, I was aware that my furniture would set on fire... if I poured a gallon of lighter fluid on it as you have demonstrated.

eat a bowl of dick.

Big Daddy Drew said...

+1's to everyone

People that hold conversations in the gym locker room. It's already fucking crowded in there. Get your clothes on and get on with the rest of your fucking life like a normal person.

Jim said...

Complaints about improved living standards.

Oh noes! Modern life is so sterile! Yeah, well you know what? Modern life is also plague-free. You wanna reconnect with the earth? Do us a favor and get eaten by a bear, Treadwell.

Ben said...

Those flowy tank tops that women wear that extend at the bottom. They make even the skinniest women look pregnant. Massive turn-off.

naptown drew said...

When Supermike16Candles or whatever the fuck he calls himself now shows up on a Jamboroo or Balls Deep post just to clown the Gay Mafia. Do you really need attention this badly? Go jack off in a library.

Romance Explosions said...

People pretending to be an important person in an online chat

I can't believe Phil Hughes logged in to ask Eric Karabell if he's going to win 20 games this year?!?! Amazing!

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Child abuse in public places. Look, I'm not one to judge, and I'm generally a "live and let live" kind of guy. But if you're going to smack the shit out of your 3 year old for crying about being hungry, could you not do it in the middle of aisle 3 at Wal-Mart?

Also, if you look up, you'll find food on the shelves. Instead of hitting your son, try feeding him.

Slothrop said...

people who chew their food with their mouths open should have their teeth removed one by one by a drunken Hell's Angel with rusty pliers.

J said...

fans who wear dresses/ shirts and ties to football games

/Cupid has spoken

Punch Rockgroin said...

I'm sick and tired of girls walking around with their clothes on.

Animal Mother said...

Not keeping score at youth sports because the parents don't think it's healthy for the kids.

Are you fucking stupid? Every kid in that game knows what the score is, and the kids who "win" are happier than the kids who "lost" the no-score game. EVERY KID knows EXACTLY what the score is.

But the kids have to suffer because a group of parents who were to slow, or too uncoordinated, or too dumb, or too whatever to be good at a sport got together in one spot and want to have their children avoid the ugly embarrassment of losing a GAME.

Hey, that's life dickhead. Winners and losers. If you never learn from your losses, you'll always be a loser.

MDT said...

UGG boots. You know, those suede boots with all the fur? Perhaps on a tall Scandanavian girl they'd look good, but they're always on 5' 1" stubbies. Lady, you look like Gimli the dwarf. Either buy an axe or wear real shoes.

chiswede said...

People who don't pull all the way up to the car in front of them at stop lights, stop signs, or leave about 10 car lengths between them and the car in front of them while driving in the city. Fuck those people, fuck them right in the ear.

Scott said...

People who feel the need to sing or rap along, OUT FUCKING LOUD with the song on their ipod. You know all the lyrics to Big Pimpin? Good for you fuckface, now kill yourself

NeverNude said...

The Backwards "R" In Toys "R" Us. Let's start breeding ignorance from a younger age. That 16 year old single mom had the cards stacked in her favor from the get go.

swing4 said...

Punch Rockgroin, you made me laugh out loud.

Ben said...

mdt- it's usually the same girls who wear the pregnant shirts that are also wearing the Ugg boots.

I can't stand when people start a sentence with "I feel like...". I always want to say "I feel like you can shut the fuck up" everytime I hear that. God dammit, people, how hard is it to be assertive?

NeverNude said...

I may be alone here. But go to any Baseball game (and yes, I go to Fenway so the douchery is probably in higher concentrations) and there is the one guy that wants to start the wave to "support the team". He will spend the next 2+ innings turning back yelling at everyone to do what he does, while ignoring everything taking place on the field himself. And, if by some fucking chance, there are enough retards attending the game (see: Fenway) to humor him and stand up screaming "wwwweeeeeeee", and the wave comes all the way around, the amount of satisfaction on this cumsticks face makes me want to commit a hate crime.

the great bambi said...

everyone who says "anyways"

the word is anyway, there is no S on the end, fuck everyone who says it, you're wrong

John S. said...

Building on my first post...

People who have a psycho-babble explanation for everything.

You knew Spitzer would do something like that when he was outwardly so against it.

Yea? Maybe his wife was a frigid bitch who would not consider the working end of a blow job unless Catharine MacKinnon came over and co-wrote a doctoral thesis on how it empowers women.

Look at that car that guy is driving. He is obviously compensating for a small penis.

Yea? Maybe he just likes nice cars and can afford them. Perhaps you should pay less attention to him and more attention to the jobs you are not getting because you are "overqualified" and won't "sell out."

I could go on and on and on, but, you get my point.

Slothrop said...

people who deny evolution or who think autism is caused by vaccines. go get a new strain of TB and spend the rise of your life whining and coughing up your lungs.

Christmas Ape said...

People who mutter in the theatre about the number of trailers before a movie.

I happen to like trailers, but it's more annoying because it's a trite complaint. Might as well bitch about the quality of airline food.

Upstate Underdog said...

people at the craps table that think there is a proper technique to rolling dice. Just throw the fucking things.

James said...

great pick on the dolphin's logo flubby. the helmet covers its blowhole, how the fuck is it supposed to breath?

people who throw cigarette butts on the ground. rot in hell.

matt said...

When people honk at me for no reason. Like when I'm pulling out of my driveway and i'm clearly stopped to let your slow ass pass me. And you honk anyway!?!? I want to jump out of my car and stab you in the neck with your own windshield wiper!

Tracer Bullet said...

Littering. Even a bear knows better than to shit in its own cave, you fetal alcohol syndrom-havin' motherfucker.

quiet strength said...

@john john - Amen on the jaywalker. Jesus that pisses me off.

My next one may be out of place in such a topic of discussion: people who just bitch. Like that person at work who thinks they're sarcastic, but they're actually just a whiny pussy.

blackheartededitor said...

Oh thank god a forum for this.

The automated message the phone company leaves at the end of your cell phone voice mail.
It's 2008, we all understand the concept of leaving a message at the beep. I don't want to fucking page you, I don't fucking want to leave a callback number, and I'm not interested in your other options. Just beep and stop with your stupid scam to tack an extra minute of usage onto every call where I leave a message.

Fuck that.

matt said...

@ quiet strength- like all of us are doing right now?

iamsofaking said...

Gum. I'd rather walk over one hundred butts than one wad of discarded gum. Grow up and get a real vice, twats. I recommend heroine, I hear its slimming.

Claude Balls said...

Fat women/girls in bare midriff shirts and tight pants.

What the fuck is that about? Do you think that anyone wants to see your muffin top? Take my word for it; we do not.

I am sorry if society's insistence that only thin women can be sexy causes you self-esteem issues, but I don't see why you have to make the rest of us suffer with you.

Greatest draft ever.

N.J.G said...

1. people who talk about what people wrote on facebook to those people.

jon: yah and then youwrote that you thought it was stupid
mar: yah I did
kate wow

I hate you all get something to do in your life.

John John The Bastard said...

I am gonna pull out my inner feminist on this one and pick people who disparage fastpitch softball as a sport. Granted I am biased because one of my two jobs is coaching a fastpitch team, but jesus is that shit difficult. All these dudes I know talk shit until my 15 year old pitcher blows them away.
/emasculation

Big Daddy Drew said...

Jumps on blogs

/looking your way, Deadspin

Spatula said...

"You're not going to eat that, are you?!" No, I'm going to jam it down your pie hole and piss on your grave.

quiet strength said...

@matt - Not really, this is in response to the question "What is your pet peeve?" I'm talking about people who just do nothing but bitch all day, every day. And think that you care.

Animal Mother said...

I hate when I pull up to the corner and my bitches ain't got my money.

I'm in my nice warm truck and them bitches gonna make me get out in the cold and hit one with my shoe.

/pimpin' ain't easy

Ben said...

Earth Hour. I know MMP hilariously went over this on Monday, but really was it anything more than a smug act of self-satisfaction among liberal middle-class white people? Unlike driving a hybrid, which has become less of a smugness option because it actually save you lots of gas money, this was nothing but a way for people to feel good about themselves and seem like they were saving the Earth. And they have the nerve to hold it during March Madness!

futuremrsrickankiel said...

twoeightnine, you ganked that "women who get offended at a girl on the Internet being called fat" pick right out from under me. The reason girls act all indignant about men judging women on their bodies is they're secretly afraid they won't measure up. If objectification of women bothers you, DON'T FUCKING BUY INTO IT.

Since that's gone (I can't believe this is still left!), I'll take the use of U, R, 4, etc. as substitutes for actual words in text messages or IM. Type in the whole word, goddamn it. I have such a powerful visceral reaction every time I see it... that shit drives me nuts.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

not actually spelling words out in emails and texts. (OMG!, LOL, LMAO). Fuck. You.

also, using the caps lock for everything.

STOP YELLING AT ME VIA THE INTERNET!

the great bambi said...

wat r u complaining 4 ftrmrs??

John S. said...

futuremrs - I can not believe I did not type that. That is, truly, one thing that really gets to me.

Frank Reich said...

When people go up or down one floor on the elevator. It just took you more time to wait for the elevator than it would have taken to walk one flight of stairs you lazy fat fuck. whenever the elevator stops at 2 on the way down I just want to punch whoever is on the other side of the door in the face.

JDA said...

When Gregg Easterbrook refers to himself as "TMQ". No, dipshit, TMQ is the column you so smugly write. They're called pronouns. Use them.

Plus, his brother is an asshole.

Rant_Casey said...

When people send you an email and then immediately follow it up with a phone call or a visit.

I WILL ANSWER YOU WHEN I HAVE THE FUCKING TIME.

No Smirre, asswhore!

2008 Snap-On League said...

Team curses.

Guess what? The Red Sox didn't win the world series forever because they weren't good enough. They then BROKE THE CURSE!!!

The Cubs haven't won the world series because they suck. Or have sucked. Forever. Not because of a goat.

My Texas Rangers haven't won a PLAYOFF SERIES. You know what curse that is? Sucking.

Jack said...

i know this horse has already been beaten to death, but i really fucking hate people who act like dialogue from the first 20 minutes of "juno" is funny and/or quoteable.

for movie dialogue to be quoteable, it has to be at least partially relevant to the situation. for example: i am perfectly comfortable using out "don't tell me my business, devil woman!" from billy madison, because it easily applies to real-life situations (i.e. a woman tries to tell you what to do in a certain situation), and it's a funny line, so long as it doesn't become overused.

however, "i'm on the hamburger phone" does not and will not ever be applicable to any situation i or any other norman human being will encounter. on top of that, it is self-conciously cute and quirky. i fucking hate it.

betheballdanny said...

Just got back from Vegas, and my peeve is:
People that give gambling advice but don't bet it themselves, then they complain that they didn't or tell you afterward how you screwed up.

i.e. You should take the Giants... 6 hours later... I told you you should take the Giants. Then why didn't you fucking bet it!

i.e. Watch the 7 win this one... 2 minutes later... Look at that, 20 to 1. I always pick the winners when I don't bet. Then fucking bet the 7 next time! I'll give you the $2 if you never talk to me again!

i.e. I told you you shouldn't have hit that 16. I just knew he had a 5 under that Queen. Couldn't you look for a seat in the Keno room!

Ben said...

Crocs. They're uncomfortable, come in ugly-ass colors, and look good on no one. Fuck crocs.

/second stupidest type of shoe next to Uggs.

quiet strength said...

Elitists. The beer, music, movies, or books I like are too superficial? Fuck you.

SDW said...

One word: "Supposably."

FUCK. YOU.

GCFB said...

People who criticize your driving while you are driving them to wherever they need to be.

Nothing makes me want to drive them into on coming traffic then that.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Remixes. The original song was just fine. Write your own song to fuck up with a disco beat, DJ AM.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

saying that anyone is "preggers" should immediately result in your sterilization.

Upstate Underdog said...

The misuse of the the term literally.

Jordan Ginsberg said...

Worse than slow walkers are those who just stop walking in the middle of the sidewalk for any reason other than ... no, there is no good reason. I'm a pedestrian -- this is tantamount to stopping dead in the middle of the freeway to do some rush hour sight-seeing.

Also, as a man (in a manner of speaking, at least) who owns and uses rolling luggage, let me justify my existence on the grounds that (1) the luggage was free and (2) 99 per cent of the time, I'm using it after getting into the Port Authority at 6 a.m. after 10-12 hours on the Greyhound, crushed into a seat beside Aunt Jemimah's less attractive sister or a procession of other such mutants. I'm tired, I'm sore, and the fact that there is not a teleporter from the terminal to my destination is a burden on my soul. If I could hire a young Polynesian boy to carry my luggage, I would, but alas.

Greg said...

people who misuse the words "then" and "than."

i'm smarter then you

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE

Maureen said...

People who stop at every fucking stop sign in a parking lot. They post those fuckers every 20 feet, there's no reason to stop unless someone is actually crossing the road.

Toastie said...

bikers wearing all their tight ass bike outfit garb, I think drew wrote about that once.

And I absolutely hate when people try to jaywalk when there is a crosswalk no more than five feet away from them. Then they go ahead and give you looks when you don't wait for them to pass. I almost punched out some college aged douchbag who called me out for not stopping. Prior to that, I was thinking of punching him out for his popped collar. ooh...I hate popped collars on polo shirts, makes me SO ANGRY!

John John The Bastard said...

This should be a fairly unrelatable pet peeve but I am going to pick people who talk about the Cooperstown as the birthplace of baseball. Guess what asshat, it's Pittsfield, MA
/Blatant Homerism
//Not a Boston sports fan.

Don't You Judge Me said...

people who argue with me about the word 'irregardless'. it's not a fucking word, asshole.

Slothrop said...

Remakes. Originality is hard. boo hoo.

Marcus said...

I hate the way (99% of) people in Rhode Island drive. Seriously, fuckers, buck up and pay attention: (i) a two way street without cars coming in the other direction does NOT magically transform into a wide one-way street, (ii) I don't care if the guy on the other side of the highway could be your cousin, DO NOT RUBBERNECK or I will bash your skull in for the amusement of the gawkers behind us, (iii) if you are in the left lane and the right lane is passing you, get the fuck over, (iv) alternatively, do not use the right lane to pass if the left lane is open or moving fast - that is both dangerous and stupid, (v) get off the cellie, put down the make up, quit fiddling with your hair, look ahead, (vi) red lights = stop (this is not a joke, this is not optional), (vii) stop signs = stop, not slowly-roll-halfway-into-the-intersection -almost-killing-everyone-there (argh!!!!), (viii) if you hit my nice new car, scraping two feet of paint onto the bumper while it's parked in the parking lot (and you don't leave a note!) I hope you choke on a fist full of staples (both of you), (ix) it is never okay to turn left from the right lane (ever), (x) I reference all other driving-related pet peeves by incorporation. Don't believe RI drivers are the worst in the States? http://www.projo.com/news/content/projo_20050527_drive27.262ec6e.html

And they are freaking PROUD OF IT. My son is learning to drive in Connecticut.

the great bambi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
whowillsexmutombo? said...

"Your" vs. "You're" isn't that complicated. It just isn't.

Here's how it works:
I question your education.
You're not very well educated.

Wow was that tough.

Rant_Casey said...

Managers and supervisors who claim ownership of things they don't own, they merely operate.

"My branch" "My lab" "My stockroom" "my store"

How about my taint, you cunt.

Don't You Judge Me said...

assholes who come to a complete stop in the fast-pass/ez-lane. even my 9 yr old kids knows why they call it the "fast lane"

the great bambi said...

dammit greg i was about to say that


traffic cops, fuck you if i was going 10 or 15 over, the road was empty and no one was around and i've got 5 more hours to drive but it'll only be 4 if i get to go faster, fucker

and drivers in Ohio, guess what fuckers, the left lane is the fast lane, it's bad enough your state's speed limit is 55 90% of the time, but if you go 45 in the left fucking lane and don't move over when i flash my lights at you a hundred times, i will run your sorry ass of the road, BUCK YOU FUCKEYES

quiet strength said...

Rich people who bitch about affirmative action.

Rant_Casey said...

@ mutumbo

Your retarded

Upstate Underdog said...

right on Marcus, I went to college in RI and I can say they suck at driving out there.

Miyamoto's Chin said...

The use of the term "y'all". I don't think it's been taken. I don't care if it's a common term where you come from. Just speak english. It's such a stupid fucking term, I hate everyone who uses it.

Smello said...

People who take their infants/toddlers to the movies.

I understand that I have to deal with children in attendance if I go see an animated movie or a HP movie, but if I'm watching Bruce Willis blow shit up or Jason Statham kick ass, I DO NOT want to be distracted by your child's crying or talking. If you can't find a baby-sitter, then STAY HOME.

ASmith said...

College professors that think "dialogue" is the answer to all of life's problems.

Shut up and do something other than your research, prick.

2008 Snap-On League said...

Big Daddy Drew -

I was going to use this space to list sex in the city as a pet peeve. However, I think it could be in a class all by itself.

Knowing your affection for the show, where do you place it?

John John The Bastard said...

Technology Snobs - The reason I don't own an iPhone is because I can't afford one on my civil servants salary, not because I enjoy using inferior technology, dick.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

@Rant

Exactly! My retarded... cousin? Father? View on politics? Taste in porn? Love of muffins?

(And yes, I know you're on my side here)

Shenanigans said...

Joke answering machine messages.

I work part time in a call center (NOT as a telemarketer) and every time i call a phone that has some douche saying, "hey, What's up? What? i can't hear you! Hahah Got ya." I want to track them down and beat them mercilessly. Douchebags, you aren't that funny, and it is clearly not an original idea. Just say your name or something like a normal person. Fuck.

John S. said...

quietstrength - What about rich minorities who still claim entitlement to affirmative action?

the great bambi said...

along your line john john

Apple snobs, fuck your computer, phone, music player, everything, your condescension makes me want to throw that giant fucking hammer through steve jobs' fucking face

SteelClink Alcatraz said...

the slashy

/hates everyone who overuses what was once an interesting way to convey information/feeling, but now has become an easy way to identify bandwagon, circle jerk douche commenters.

Ben said...

Those huge square-framed glasses that some "hipsters" are now wearing (at least at my school). It's not ironic, it's just stupid... you shouldn't be wearing those if you're under 70.

Claude Balls said...

@mutombo:

You may as well add "there" vs. "their" vs. "they're" to your list.

I used to be offended when private school douchebags badmouthed public education. Then was born the internet.

the great bambi said...

anyone who hates the word y'all

fuck you myamoto's chin, i'd rather say y'all and you all, you guys, or youse guys, it is a beautiful word, like a snowflake on a kitten's nose

quiet strength said...

@john s - What about them?

Captain Caveman said...

The misuse of the the term literally.

That is an excellent pick, UU.

"Let me get orientated here." Not a word. Die.

Also, I've seen allegedly intelligent people confuse "faze" and "phase." Don't get me started, homegirl.

John S. said...

quiet strength - equally enraged with them?

futuremrsrickankiel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the great bambi said...

* "than you all, etc." not "and"

destroying argument...sniffle

Big Daddy Drew said...

Groups of drunken women in bars singing along to the jukebox in unison.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Ok, this might be inappropriate, but I fucking hate guys who throw used condoms on the floor. That's DISGUSTING. PUT IT IN THE TRASH CAN.

smurphette said...

When women refer to their spouse as their "hubby." I hope you are fucking sterile, you stupid cunt.

Don't You Judge Me said...

all reality television (with special hatred for "talent" shows)

If you watch American Idol, Dancing with has-beens and you are male - you must have your cock chopped off.

John S. said...

Same thing with the tampons.

Please do not throw them up on the ceiling whilst saying "Thwipp!"

quiet strength said...

Hell no. If it's there, then use it.

the great bambi said...

even worse futuremrs?

women who demand you wear a condom, what baby? i'll pull out

Upstate Underdog said...

When people call athletes warriors or throw the term hero around.

Last time I checked warriors were people that fought wars and heroes were people that did something truly heroic.

ASmith said...

Women with long ass finger nails that feel like it's okay to tap your fingers on the desk.

I'm looking at you, secretary lady at the front desk of the doctor's office.

Grimey said...

Toe socks.

Miyamoto's Chin said...

@bambi: Let me clarify, if you're in the states, feel free to use "y'all" in everyday conversation. It annoys me when I'm there, but I deal with it. Just don't come to my country and use it. And using it over the internet? You aren't in a fucking saloon, it's not hard to type "all of you" or something that doesn't sound retarded.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

"Please do not throw them up on the ceiling whilst saying "Thwipp!""

- @ John S -
Wherever it is that you go to meet women, may I please come with you the next time you go there? I loves me some whimsical hos.

Don't You Judge Me said...

fan-boys of any technology item (Apple vs. PC, Xbox vs. PS3 vs. Wii).

fuck all of you and your pseudo-religious wars.

John John The Bastard said...

Don't Stop Believing by Journey. That song sucks first off, and secondly its a favorite former fratboys, douchebags and their At the same time it is also a blessing because it imediately points out to me exactly who I don't want to talk to at the bar.
My friend Ali once described it as Catnip for preppies. Can't think of a better comparison

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Sufjan Stevens and anyone who listens to him. What an insufferable piece of shit.

NeverNude said...

Along the 'literally' line...

Ironic Vs. Coincidence. Every sportscaster should learn the difference.

John John The Bastard said...

Amen futuremrs. A-fuckin-men

John S. said...

whowillsex - Edna Mahan Correctional Facility for Women

Claude Balls said...

All the lesbians who wouldn't dance or go out with me in college.

Tony_the_Tiger said...

How about when you're driving and the car in front of you decides to make a right turn and procedes to slow down to .01 mph in the process of turning. Get. The fuck. OUT OF THE WAY.

Becky said...

Work people CC:'ing the whole world when they have a complaint - which is usually proven wrong or unjustified.

In which case, the apology or admission of error is sent ONLY to you, leaving you to explain to your bosses why the copying party is an uninformed douche in the e-mail sent previously.

smurphette said...

Groups of shrill girls who go to Adams Morgan (or any similar bars) for bachelorette parties, complete with crowns and matching shirts. Arriving at Angry Inch in a limo does not make you look less trashy, it makes you look like a stupid slut. I don't know which is worse, when the girls are like 22 or when they're 36, but both are fucking sad.

John S. said...

women who wear Yzerman jerseys who I don't know.

Grimey said...

The "Soulja Boy" dance.

Smello said...

Restaurants that hire models as waiters/waitresses, who then act like they're doing me a favor by taking my order. IT IS YOUR JOB. I don't care how pretty you are, I will feel free not to tip you. And, if you were really that hot, you wouldn't have to be waiting tables.

ASmith said...

Along the waiter/waitress line, the guy that leans down real close to take orders, like I'm confiding in him my deepest secrets.

You stand back there, I'll sit here, and there will be no trouble.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Cuddling. I hate cuddling. I hate it! If I cuddle, I can't fall asleep. It's cool that you're naked and junk, but it's 8:00 AM on a Saturday and I want to go back to sleep, and my face is in your armpit. Stay on your goddamn side of the bed!

I also hate holding hands. I think I might actually be a dude.