Friday, April 11, 2008

Better Know a Draft Pick: Vernon Gholston


Name: Vernon Gholston
Nickname: Unknown (meaning I don't know).
Suggested Nickname: Unknown (at least until he says otherwise).

Height/Weight: Statuesque.
Body Type: After his pro day one NFL coach told KSK (on the condition of anonymity), "that kid's body makes me harder than an enema from my Puerto Rican nurse." And that coach was Monte Kiffin.

Early Aspirations: Before football Vernon was a pre-teen body builder. Meaning yes, even a pre-pubescent version of Vernon could kick the living shit out of your pathetic blog reading ass.

Speed: Big Ten-ish.
Muscles: Medium twitch.

Urine Sample: Intensity.
Stool Sample: Steamy.

Who Wants Him: Oakland. But to be fair, they also shown interest in a panda who is purported to have been trained to play right guard.

Stupid panda. You have to keep your paws inside the shoulders if you're going to contain the pass rush.

Who Will Take Him: St. Louis. Because fuck Chris Long, that's why.

Immediate Impact: Bone crushing.
Down the Road: A locker filled with enough steroids to stock a Mexican pharmacy.

Previously on Better Know a Draft Pick...
Matt Ryan
Glenn Dorsey
Darren McFadden

11 comments:

quiet strength said...

Hey, he doesn't do steroids! The bulging veins are the product of...well, ok, he does steroids...

TurleyGirlie said...

Is it just me or does that panda look like a drunken midget in a panda suit?

Look at his eyes!

Gourmet Spud said...

That panda is adorable. There, I said it.

the great bambi said...

but the panda is black AND white, that means he's a freakish athlete with a motor that never quits,

talk about a sure thing!

The Last Unitard said...

The panda seems to have a "Take my wallet, my car, and my girlfriend.. just please don't hurt me, Mr. Gholston," look to him.

Dave said...

The bulging veins are the product of...

masturbation?

just kidding... please don't kill me.

smurphette said...

Bob Sanders thinks those guns are pretty weak.

Truth About It said...

Man....I'm scared for white girls everywhere.

Animal Mother said...

Why do I get the feeling you spell Gholston, M-A-M-U-L-A?

hardawayhatesyou said...

He seems very Alonzo Spellman-ish to me.

naptown drew said...

@smurphette

When Bob Sanders does a push up he doesn't actually push himself up. He pushes the earth down.