Wednesday, September 5, 2007

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekkake: San Francisco 49ers

Five Fast Facts About the 49ers:

*Dashon Goldson playson special teams an' putson a turbon when egging the white people on.
*Bryant Young and Larry Allen would appreciate it if Wilford Brimley didn't keep pushing Liberty Mutual life insurance on them. Incidentally, they both think Norah Jones is the bee's knees.
*Ashley Lelie was too shitty a receiver even for the Falcons, so it stands to reason he should get a starting job elsewhere.
*Like Shawne Merriman, Vernon Davis slept with all the hot College Park bitches (read: the ones not from Jersey). With Davis, however, it was all consensual.
*During the Mike Vick fiasco, a select few people called for clemency. Nate Clements wasn't sure what he was supposed to look at.

Projected 2007 Record:
9-7, 2nd in NFC West

Actual 2007 Record:

The Niners are a trendy playoff pick this year. A team that, if all goes well, could be successful without being dominating. In a weak NFC, this bodes well for me.

As I've mentioned in the past, my father is a 49ers fan and my mother is a Redskins fan. How they produced a Steelers fan is really between my mom and the likely underemployed man she cheated on my dad with.

My dad's sports allegiance meant a fair portion of my youthly memories involving him yelling at Tom Rathman (still not sure why) and never allowing me to take Joe Montana's name in vain (it was always "The Magic Man" on second reference). He also ripped off one of my fingers to honor Ronnie Lott. It smtimes affx my tping.

Because dear dad is so insufferable when the Niners are winning, it's been a real treat this last decade to have him lose interest by week 2 and start begging for Eddie and the mob to return.

What sustains him is no less irritating. To whit: the unending gloating about the 49ers' flawless Super Bowl record. Even after the Steelers matched them with five rings two years ago, his first remarks were "Five and ohh versus five and one."

I remember late January 1996, right before Super Bowl XXX. The Steelers, though massive underdogs to Dallas, had a chance, however remote, to tie the Niners at 5-0 in the Bowl.

"They'll never win," my father told me matter-of-factly. "They've got 'Dumb Dumb' O'Donnell."

This enraged me, not only for being a vapid put-down but because it illustrated that he didn't know anything about the team. Neil had played well in the playoffs and he wasn't asked to do enough to lose the game for Pittsburgh.

Right after O'Donnell's second Larry Brown interception, my father came into the basement where I was watching the game, now him a sniveling heap on the floor. He shook his head, sighed and let loose one more "Dumb Dumb" and walked into his workshop to smoke.

So basically what I long for is the Niners to win the NFC and get annihilated by whichever AFC team rises from the scrum. That'll show that asshole.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.


Illegal Immigrant said...

You're lucky, my father cemented a beard on my face when I was 5 to honor Fidel Castro. Now he's constantly follwing me with a gun and a news ticker for when the Great Leader croaks

flubby said...

'Dumb Dumb' O'Donnell

Your dad steals jokes off the Great Gazoo.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Good to see some things never change, like 9er fans being pretentious assholes, and Jimmy Fallon fucking up an otherwise excellent sketch.

Unknown said...

The Magic Man?

I don't remember Montana ever slingshotting Ricky Bobby to victory.

El Duffo O Muerte said...

Steve Youngs name, when translated to Spanish, actually means "fighting chicken"

Captain Caveman said...

Frankly, Drew, I was surprised to see Fallon breaking character and looking away from the other actors in the middle of his lines. I thought that never happened.

85 said...

How they produced a Steelers fan is really between my mom and the likely underemployed man she cheated on my dad with.

The coat hanger didn't get the job done? That's how I assumed all Steelers fans are created.

Claude Balls said...

I can't wait for the Vikings to win the Super Bowl so that Viking fans can show 49er fans the proper way to act.

I mean that literally. The Vikings aren't winning the Super Bowl in my lifetime, and I cannot wait any longer than that.

Jay said...

Part of me feels for illegal immigrant, but the bigger part of me says he's probably a communist and must die. I'd buy a card saying "Sorry to hear about your impending ritual murder :(" to get that across.

gone said...

Never will I cheer for the 49ers to win a game. Never. Even if they are playing the Pats. Even if they played the Steelers, I'd have to lower myself to actually cheer for Steely. And even if the played the Ravens, I'd cheer a stabbing.

Yes, I hate the 49ers that much.

Josh Drimmer said...

as a pretentious asshole 49er fan myself, ape's dad sounds like a fine man. nothing like kicking your son while he's down to prove your superiority as a father.

everything has to go right for san francisco to do well this year, though, much as an extraordinary number of things went right just for them to get to 6-10. I predict your dad and I will be losing interest around week 10, at which time we'll start making lewd comments at yer mom again and making fun of butt brains ben. tee hee.