Tuesday, September 4, 2007

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekakke – New England Patriots

Five Fast Facts About The Patriots:

-Head coach Bill Belichick has earned two separate doctorates in MILF hunting.
-Rookie safety and expert marksman Brandon Meriweather sometimes goes by the name “The Hit Stick,” which is the exact same nickname I use for my own cock.
-Defensive Lineman Le Kevin Smith’s first name is French for, “The Kevin”, which is a nickname used by 75% of all New England males.
-Wideout Randy Moss once famously said, “I play when I want to play.” What few people know is that the quote is incomplete. The full text of Moss’ quote was, “I play when I want to play. And man, I fucking never want to play this stupid game again.”
-Wes Welker’s jersey will become a fan favorite and have the #2 selling Patriots jersey by year’s end. And you know why? Because Patriot fans are fucking racist.

Projected 2007 Record:
15-1, Super Bowl champions.

Actual 2007 Record:
13-3, Loss to Colts in AFC Title Game. Bill Simmons stomps around his playroom and yells, “Let us know when you get to three rings.” What a douche.

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Dan Koppen

Nothing I can do can really top 289’s Photoshop work above. Nonetheless, I’m wrapping up my portion of our 2007 NFL Preview by “chatting” with Patriots center, official ginger kid, and apparent douchemagnet Dan Koppen.

Big Daddy Drew: Dan, thanks for sitting down with us.
Dan Koppen: No problem.

Drew: As a center, you get to bend over in front of Tom Brady regularly. Does Peter King ever try and steal your practice jersey?
Koppen: No.

Drew: Does Brady ever bring Gisele Bundchen into the locker room? Because, if the film “Buttman Goes To Rio 12” is any indication, Brazilian girls are not averse to taking on 30, even 40 dicks at a time. It’s like a churrascaria of cock.
Koppen: He’s never brought her around.

Drew: Brady wore a Yankees cap in the offseason. Don’t you think he did that on purpose? If I had to play for a bunch of fuckface Boston fans, I’d wear a Yankee cap on the goddamn sideline.
Koppen: I think he wore it innocently.

Drew: Brady’s ex-girlfriend recently had a son. Brady was on hand for the birth. Do you ever catch him humming “Broken Box” by Queens of the Stone Age to himself?
Koppen: No.

Drew: Do Junior Seau and George Hamilton share the same bronzer?
Koppen: No.

Drew: The Patriots cut Reche Caldwell recently. Is it fair to say Caldwell saw it coming?
Koppen: Maybe.

Drew: Laurence Maroney has gone on record as saying he has never heard of construda. How much money could you win from Maroney playing poker? I bet you could clean his ass out.
Koppen: I don’t know.

Drew: For real, that guy is a fucking blatant liar. Does this photo look Photoshopped to you?
Koppen: Yes. A big Kool Aid guy was photoshopped in.

Drew: No, the necklace, motherfucker! I’m talking about the necklace!
Koppen: I have no clue.

Drew: Adalius Thomas was signed in the offseason from Baltimore. Thomas has been hailed as a highly versatile player. Do you think Bill Belichick plans on playing him at multiple positions, then cutting his salary every year as a sign of gratitude?
Koppen: I don’t think so.

Drew: Rodney Harrison was busted for using HGH recently. Shouldn’t you guys have noticed that? I heard Harrison’s chin strap was six feet long.
Koppen: I don’t know.

Drew: Do you think Bill Belichick is so secretive because he hopes no one will notice the seven-story HGH-processing plant next to Gillette Stadium?
Koppen: There is no seven-story HGH-processing plant next to Gillette Stadium.

Drew: I heard the reason Tedy Bruschi had his stroke is because he took enough HGH to be featured on frozen vegetable packets.
Koppen: That is NOT true.

Drew: Randall Gay’s last name is Gay. Isn’t that hysterical?
Koppen: No.

Drew: My buddy “The Kevin” up in Ipswich has gotten some serious mileage out of that name.
Koppen: Good for him.

Drew: Would you consider kissing me?
Koppen: Nope.

Drew: You’re from Iowa. How about giving me the ol’ “sweaty corncob”?
Koppen: Nope.

Drew: Dan, thanks for talking to us.
Koppen: You bet.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.


Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

I just gouged my own eyes out.

Jarrett said...

Not mentioned - Asante Samuel only cam back to return Rodney Harrison's Sly and The Family Stone Greatest Hits CD.

It has been left with a Patriots receptionist.

jackin'4beats said...

Slow day around here today? Between the kids going back to school and the rest of us getting slammed at work after the holidays, there aren't many comments...

...But churrascaria of cock has officially become a part of the J4B vernacular. Nice.

Smello said...

I think 289 uses these most excellent pictures to justify all the cruising of online gay porn.

PS - It was a fucking fumble.

Illegal Immigrant said...

I don't know if this will ome out right cause i had to wrtie it blind but, ese. I hat eyou guys so much. no amount of charity drives an sae you nows

Unknown said...

Pro-Bowl DE Seymour being placed on the PUP list is not a good sign.

Who else is going to account for his one sack per month average since he entered the league?

Douche needs some HGH or something.

twoeightnine said...

Why do I have to justify anything?

Pemulis said...

no one ever has to justify cruising online for gay porn. going to meatspin.com however...

(ummm... nsfw)

Lord Farceface said...

Fuck, I actually know a guy who calls himself "The Kev." He's from LA, but that equates almost 1:1 to Boston in terms of unrelenting douchbaggery.

jackin'4beats said...

So does Bill Simmons call himself The Bill or does Peter King call himself The Pete?

It's like those stupid "The Rick" commercials from the WWL back in the day.

twoeightnine said...

Besides, I didn't have to "cruise" for it. I get all my gay porn from http://www.bigdaddydrew.com

Pemulis said...

i was secretly hoping that site would redirect me to either tubgirl, meatspin, lemon party, or goatse.

Jay said...

Tubgirl isn't gay po-oh, I see what you did there.

P.S - I second smello, it was a fucking fumble

SarahS said...

did i somehow miss the bears preview?

el_hombre said...

Seymour is supposed to clog the gaps so that the linebackers can make plays. So he is valuable. But this site isn't about serious analysis, so, 289 likes exploring the internets for naked dudes.

The Big Picture said...

sweaty corncob?!?! you've outdone yourself, Drew! unbelievable!

swing4 said...

Hey! When did the "advertise with KSK" link show up?

It's a slippery slope....