Week One Wone Waiver Wire Wishing Well

Because you fuckers know you need me...

I wish I was the quarterback for the New York Giants!

The countdown is on to the next monumental moment of the 2007 NFL season, the mad dash for the premier (less-abysmal) free agents in your fantasy football league. Today could mean the difference between abject failure and clingy mediocrity for the thousands of you who drafted so very poorly. You see I, on the other hand, have three undefeated teams because I am the smartest man alive a total asshole. For those of you in need (did you really draft Brandon Jacobs and Eli "Kill Shot" Manning?) I'm offering up a comprehensive report on some of the shiny new toys awaiting those of you with your adorable waiver wire priority.

Plugging a leak with a piece of gum...

Jared Lorenzen QB/Bill Murray foil- Vindication for Sarah, the only person in the entire blogosphere to hate Eli enough to draft that pillow stuffed motherfucker. Hey, Plexi and Shockey can catch the ball. Even Eli could manage to rack up points before his shoulder quit on him like his father did.

Derrick Ward RB- Brandon Jacobs hurt his knee and Ward looked so good the commentator almost called him Dave Meggett; however he did liken him to a little monkey. It was all pretty awkward. But who knows what Coughlin will do. Ward only got the backup job because he won an award for punctuality from Rushmore Academy. If Ruben Droughns beats him to a couple of this week's team meetings then all bets are off.


Gold covered lead...

Chris Brown RB- He sure looked great running for 175 yards on Sunday. But if you bought that little act then you've never been a Chris Brown owner. He runs upright, he's injury-prone, he's never been able to win the job, and he's got two younger and equally capable backs behind him.

Patrick Crayton WR- Terry Glenn is a hell of a warrior but her knee might have finally given out on her. How would animal rights activists react if Jerry Jones took him out back and shot him? Crayton is a crappy replacement from a fantasy perspective because TO and Mar-Bar-Tre' are such touchdown hogs and Tony Romo has a hardon for Jason Witten.


Flyers...

Daunte Culpepper QB- McCown has an ouchie on his finger. If he can't grip his dick for Wednesday's random drug screening then Daunte's going to be named the starter.

JaMarcus Russell QB- He signed, he finally signed! What, you don't play in a 32-team keeper league? Pussy.

Brady Quinn QB- If you plan on starting any Cleveland Brown who is not a "fucking warrior" then you might as well send your league commissioner a certified check.

And now for some players to avoid like the fungus growing on Leonard Davis...

David Boston WR- The reclamation project was put on hold when the former Ohio State employee injured his foot during warm-ups. See David, that's why you shouldn't inject your drugs between your toes.

Lawrence Tynes K- It's never good when your kicker gets the cramps in the middle of a game. Is it possible that Eli's PMS is contagious?